| Memo: To: Citizens of the United States of America From: Great Britain In the light of your failure to elect a president of the United States of America and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all the states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for American without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum." Check the pronounciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven word interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communicatin. Look up "interspersed." 2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen," but only after fully carrying out task number 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing "American" football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to, as "Amercian" football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough, in time; will be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to "Amercian" football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing a full Kevlar body armor like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least one U.S. rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any [trouble]. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called, "Indecisive Day." 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed J.F.K. It has been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. Back to Main Page Disclaimer: I love my country. I just found found this funny and in no way do I mean to undermine theU.S government. |