awakingalone

It was another night
Like so many others
It seemed like thousands
Could it really have been
That long since I've
Awoken with Another

Aloneness was the
Order of the day
Except it was night
I lay without a friend
Once more�
Willful� proud
Undaunted
Un-touched
Un-compromised
Un-connected

There was an intriguing
Question pondered
Occasionally in the
Twilight of my
Consciousness

Why must I wait for the
Spirit of Outside Spirits
Locked like genies within
Bottles to give me
Permission
To seek affection�
To give me reassurance
Of my desirability�
To give me gentle
Oblivion...

So I can then reach out
And touch another�
Their mind� spirit�
Their body� maybe
Even their soul

Outside Spirits graciously
Remove my freedom of
Choice� with Outside
Spirits I can then be just
A quiet wave in a sea of
Sensations� pleasantly
Lost in my mind� then

Later horrified - mortified
In the messy aftermath

Such Un-control is not
Right ! � is improper !

Someone told me that once�
I just can't remember Who

My strength is
   Righteousness
   Self-control
   Fear of closeness
   Of melding with Others
   I will not succumb to
   Manipulation by
   Another

I just deem not to
Notice or comprehend
When the Outside
Spirits are within me

I was in control�
No Others

There are no Others
Anymore� I have
Vanquished them all
Friends and lovers
And togetherness
And affection
Perhaps even concern

It was another night
Like so many others...

Filled with relief
Filled with proudness
Filled with silence
Filled with aloneness
Filled with longings
Filled with despair

Filled with a haunting
Question�

Why am I like this?

Did someone make me
... Or am I my own
Creator?

Does the answer really
Matter in the nights�

        POSTSCRIPT

There will be another
Night today� perhaps
My genies can join me
So Another can join me

I wonder who it might be

Does the answer really
Matter in the nights�

In oblivion�
For tomorrow