aloneness

It was a joy to be Alone�
Without a Significant Other
Silence and calm reigned
Except for my self imposition
There were no pressures

There were no performances
Scheduled for today
I had no Togetherness roles
To play� that was Yesterday

Today� I am joyful
I am my own Individual
I am again Independent
I am free
I am separate� detached

I am lonely

The memories of my previous
Lives are mixed�
Some glow with euphoria
And excitement
The chases� sensations
The captures
But the sharpness of the
Remembrances dim with time
Other memories drip with
Sadness� or shame
The hurts� recriminations
The retaliations� the pains
These dim even faster

But even in the joy and
Power of my Aloneness
Pangs of absent sensuality
Haunt my nerves and organs
Some days my body aches

Or is it really my mind missing
The Connections with another

I had loved the touches� the
Insertions� the sensations
The almost weightless afterglow
The simple acts of 'Aliveness'

But bonded to the sensuality
Came the environments and
Trappings� the responsibilities
Of Non-Aloneness

In one Form of togetherness
It was promises for tomorrow�
In another� it was no promises
For tomorrow� both Forms
Were exciting for a while� both
Were depressing after a while

Each Form produced a Morning�
In the one - the Body-parts changed
Frequently in my bed� but the souls
And spirits never remained

In the other - the Body-parts Always
Remained the same� but the two
Souls and spirits slowly eroded

Neither Form of Togetherness
Seemed to produce enduring
Satisfaction� fulfillment�
Happiness for me� or for
The Others as well� I frequently
Wonder if it's just me�
Perhaps I've been too self-
Centered� too thoughtless
Too proud� but I know I'm
Not like that� and what of
The others that had the same
Feelings and thoughts�
Can so many of us be so
Wrong

But it doesn't matter any more
The �prize� of Togetherness
And sensuality was not worth
The �game�� the risks were
Just too high� the rewards
Too unstable

I no longer choose to
Participate

I have alternatives� I have
Fantasies and tears� toys
And fingers� I can make do
With other substitutes�
Career� child raising
Hobbies� my time can be
Filled� and fulfilled� this
Hermitage Form is preferable
To the potential anguish and
Turmoil of the other two Forms
Of togetherness I know

During the pursuit, I will again
Learn to tolerate Promiscuity
As I did earlier�
I know the differences� but
Sometimes the sensations
And feelings were better than
The toys� or the Aloneness

But I love my Independence�
I will sorrow for its departure
I yearn for Connecting with
Another� but in good faith
How does one choose to
Risk their soul

Today� I am joyful
I am my own Individual
I am again Independent
I am free
I am separate� detached

I am lonely

Why are there no other
Choices�