Title: Weirdly ever after “Carter?” Jack had been sitting quietly, watching Sam futz with the communication device for as long as humanly possible. It had been at least three minutes.
E-mail: [email protected], C'mon . . . gimme some feedback! All the cool kids are doing it.
Author’s Notes: The disclaimer to end all disclaimers can be found in Chapter I, pt. i. Chapter IV commences with all our faithful players on their separate missions, except
Sam and Jack are on the same mission, 'cause Sam doesn't like to let that fine, fine ass too far out of her sight (who among us blames her?). In this installment, Jack finds out that the only thing worse than having "The Talk" with your parents is having "The Talk" with your 15-year-old self. Sam gets a taste of what it's like to have to wrangle two O'Neills. Lucky, lucky Sam.
Chapter IV: He said, She said, and It said
pt. i of iv (probably) in this chapter
“Yes, sir?” She replied, not looking up from her work.
“When did I get to be the bad guy?”
She exchanged one screwdriver for another, “I think around the time you started waxing your moustache and tying puppies to train tracks.”
“Moustache!” He ran a fingertip over his upper lip.
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
“No moustache,” She slid the panel covering the power supply back into place. Sitting back in her chair, she gave him her full attention, “Bad guy?”
“This whole plan hinges on everyone believing that you’re all glad to be rid of me . . . like I never let anyone have any fun!” He stared sulkily down at the resistor he was twisting between his fingers, “I’m a fun guy, Carter.”
“No one thinks you’re not fun sir. They just know you’re . . .” Sam caught her lip between her teeth, biting back the sentence.
“Oh, do tell, Lieutenant Colonel.”
“They know you’re a pain in the ass, sir.” Sam beamed. The novelty of her new rank had definitely not worn off yet.
“I’d have sworn I heard something about me being your CO for one more mission, and yet here you are abusing the guy who can bust you down to airman . . .” Jack pressed his fingertips to his lips as if he were scandalized.
“But you won’t,” Sam smiled wickedly, casually stretching her arms overhead and thrusting her chest out.
“Eeeevil . . .” Jack sing-songed under his breath.
“What?”
“Nothing,” He smiled sweetly at her.
“You know what I mean, sir. You’d never let anyone get near Teal’c. Or take a break from off-world missions so Daniel can putter around with his artifacts. Everyone knows that and we’re taking advantage of that perception. That’s all.”
“Fine,” Jack grumbled. “But I want it noted that I am a fun guy.”
“I’ll put it in your permanent record,” Sam agreed. “You took the inventory to Daniel, right? He’s all set for Groom Lake?”
“Yeah. He’s gonna bumble.”
“Bumble?” Sam snatched the resistor away from him just as he was fixing to snap off one of the wires.
“You know that thing he does, with the big eyes and going all clumsy and helpless. Keeps him out of trouble. And women love it.” Jack scanned the lab bench for another toy.
“Women love helpless?” Sam eyed him skeptically.
“Oh yeah!” He suddenly looked worried, “They do, don’t they?”
“Sometimes,” she admitted, holding up the smooth, oblong communicator. “So, how may I direct your call?”
“Klondike-Squiggle-upside-down-U, please.” Jack said taking the device from her and speaking into it, “Two to beam up, Scotty!”
Thor and Heimdahl were in the same places that Jack had left them hours earlier. And they appeared to be embroiled in the same argument.
“Greetings once again, O’Neill. Major Carter, it is good to see you as well,” Thor said pointedly, interrupting Heimdahl’s tirade.
“You kids still arguing?” O’Neill said sternly.
“I am trying to make it clear to Commander Thor . . .” Heimdahl resumed the argument with only the merest nod of greeting.
“Yeah, well, I’m sure Carter’s gonna wanna stick her oar in on that in a bit. Right now we need to talk to the squirt.” Jack turned in a circle. “You did beam him up, didn’t you?”
“Yes, O’Neill,” Thor said with a trace of bad temper, gesturing down the long corridor to the right of the bridge. “He was most displeased. He said that he wished to be alone.”
“He . . . went to his room?” Sam asked with a disbelieving grin.
“Oooh, and not a slammable door in sight. He’s gonna be pissed,” Jack added. “Ok. We’ll talk to him. You two . . . kiss and make up or something,” he shook a finger at Thor and Heimdahl. They started off down the corridor, leaving the two greys looking at one another quizzically.
Jack trudged slowly along, trying to forestall the confrontation just a while longer. No one should have to face his teenage self. Particularly when said self was a teenager in body only.
“You should try to go easy on him,” Sam broke the silence reluctantly.
“Why?” Jack asked sulkily.
“Because he hasn’t done anything. And we need to know what he knows as soon as possible. We don’t want him to dig his heels in.” Her level-headed tone was incredibly aggravating.
“So . . . what? I shouldn’t push my own buttons, Carter?” Jack snapped.
“I’d hoped that would be redundant at this point, sir,” she replied, eyes forward and face completely straight.
Jack did a double take. “Carter . . . did you just make a saucy joke?”
“Me, sir? Doesn’t seem likely.”
He edged over to her and slipped his arm through hers, hugging it briefly. “You are so dead,” he whispered, then released her.
“I’ve heard that somewhere before.”
“Oh, all right. I’ll be nice,” Jack conceded. “But you can’t like him better than me.”
“I’ll try to suppress that cradle-robbing instinct,” Sam said with mock seriousness.
“You scoff, but all Teal’c’s magazines have this stuff about sexual peaks!”
“Written by someone who’s never fumbled around with a 15-year-old boy.”
“Fifteen? Carter . . . were you a naughty girl?” Jack waggled his eyebrows.
“That’s need to know, sir.” Her cheeks flushed slightly.
“Remind me to get you drunk the minute this is over,” Jack said as they rounded a corner.
They both slowed, spying Jack’s clone seated on the floor in the distance. He was slumped back against the wall in a niche recessed between two light pillars, his impossibly long legs stretched in front of him, crossed at the ankle. The arc of the pillars’ light cut across him at the waist, leaving his face and upper body in shadow.
With a sigh of resignation, Jack resumed his previous pace, coming to a stop only when he reached his younger self’s feet and feeling keenly grateful for Carter’s reassuring presence just behind him.
“Hey kid,” Jack said when it was clear no one else was going to break the silence. His clone showed no sign of having heard him. “Need to talk to you about the friends you’ve been making.”
He made no response. “C’mon, kid. The sooner you tell us what we need to know the sooner this whole, awkward scene’ll be over.” His eerie stillness was beginning to freak Jack out.
“Hey!” Jack kicked the outstretched boot with his own, jostling the kid’s legs hard enough to uncross them.
“Sir,” Sam touched his elbow, her tone gentle but warning.
“You DID it!” MiniMe scrambled to his feet, his face thrusting forward into the light.
Jack stumbled back a step, pushing Sam behind him as he moved.
“I didn’t believe Thor!” He shoved his hand through his already unruly hair, pacing in and out of the sweep of the lights.
Jack looked desperately at Sam who motioned for him to say something. “Hey, you remember when we agreed not to keep in touch? Let’s not keep in touch about this, ok?”
“You!” He lunged forward, thrusting an accusing finger in Carter’s face, “I thought you at least had dodged that . . . bad taste thing all those alternate reality Carters had going on. This is unbelievable.”
“Yeah, well . . . ” Jack said, enjoying Carter’s clearly offended expression. “You and I are the only ones who seem to think so. What’d you take in the pool?”
“Tiimeframe: Sixth of never. Venue: Hell, frozen over. Extraordinary circumstances: Brain-sucked Carter.”
“It was the safe bet,” Jack nodded. “But then she propositioned me.”
“I did not proposition you!” Sam protested.
“Propositioned me,” Jack continued, ticking off points on his fingers, “took me out with a projectile weapon, and had her wicked way with me. So I hope you didn’t lose too much.”
“Nah, I was only eligible for the late-comer pool anyway,” Young Jack waved his hand.
“Good,” Jack leaned against the wall opposite his clone, sinking to a sitting position. Carter followed suit, maintaining a careful distance between them, as MiniMe dropped to the floor across from them.
“So . . . hanging with Loki’s old toys. Pretty dumb. And weird.” Jack said, deciding that tact would take too long. Sam shook her head with a sigh.
“Yeah. Dumb. Got ‘em . . .” his voice hitched. “Got ‘em killed.”
“Sir . . . Jack?” Sam began uncertainly.
“John,” The boy seemed to sense the look Jack shot him without turning his way, “The other name they made up was too stupid. And hard to remember.”
“I hate John,” O’Neill groused.
“Me too, but you took Jack.”
“John, then.” Sam cut in firmly, “How did you happen to make contact with the abductees. And why?”
“Yahoo group,” he mumbled sheepishly. Jack looked at Carter blankly.
“There’s an internet group for alien abductees?” She looked dubious.
“There are lots and lots of internet groups for alien abductees. There’s an internet group for everything.”
“And you know how to find internet groups?” Sam asked. Something wasn’t adding up.
“I know my way around a computer, Carter,” John rolled his eyes. “And I don’t exactly have to pretend like I don’t anymore as an excuse to see you.”
Sam turned to Jack, catching him in the act of gesturing frantically at his younger self to shut up. “Helpless, huh?” She smacked his arm with the back of her hand.
“So . . . the why part of this?” Jack asked, flinching away from Sam’s hand and not looking the least bit sorry.
“I was bored.” He said flatly.
“And lonely,” Sam sounded surprised at her realization.
“Oh, c’mon, Carter, we’re not exactly people people,” Jack began, but John nodded, his eyes on the floor between his knees. “Lonely?”
“Do you know what it’s like to know what we know and have done what we’ve done and sit through ‘Current Events’? Even if any of them had a clue what’s really going on, they’re teenagers. They don’t give a damn about anything beyond the next football game. They don’t even have a hockey team.”
“What?” Jack had been completely unmoved until this last point.
“So Loki’s abductees were someone you could talk to, at least a little bit,” Sam interrupted again, trying to drag the conversation back on topic.
“Yeah. And they were grateful to have someone who didn’t think they were completely nuts. People tend to back away slowly when you stick to your story about the flashing lights in and the little grey men for twenty years. So we played a little chess, told some ‘what if’ alien stories.” He lifted his chin defensively, “I didn’t give anything away. I’m not an idiot. Except apparently I am.” He eyed Jack with hostility.
“Yeah, well, while you were practicing your secret clone handshake, did you happen to pick up on the fact that you were being followed the whole time?” Jack demanded, ignoring Sam’s cross look.
“Glinda,” the boy slumped back against the wall, his face retreating into the shadows.
“The good witch?” Jack looked baffled.
“Not so good it turns out,” the bitterness in his voice made him sound strangely like his older counterpart. “Met her on the group, too. Her screen name was a planet designation, which kinda catches the eye. I thought she might be a security risk. We started IMing. Told her that her name was too boring. I’d call her Glinda.”
“I’m just going to assume that Carter knows what the hell screen names and IMs are and skip to the part where I rip you a new one for not sharing this information with the class,” Jack’s voice rose to a shout.
“Colonel!” Sam turned a pleading look on him and he quieted, gesturing for her to take over. “What planet designation was she using?”
“P3R-272,” he responded mechanically.
“The Ancients’ repository.” Sam said grimly.
“Damn. I thought it rang a bell,” he remarked, one hand sneaking out into the light to toy with his bootlace.
“So you come across some rampaging lab rat who’s practically wearing a ‘Wanna overthrow the Earth? Ask me how!’ button and you . . . strike up an online friendship with her? I’m gonna have to talk to Thor about his little gene-fix. He obviously forgot to stop your brain from turning to mush.”
“You’re the one who gave me the ‘don’t call us, we won’t call you’ speech. You have no idea what happened, because you just couldn’t get rid of me fast enough,” John shot to his feet, towering over Jack.
Sam rose quickly, stepping between the two of them. “It’s ok,” she said quietly taking the younger man’s arm and gently urging him to sit again. He resisted a moment, then sank back down. She settled herself in the middle of the hallway, their profiles facing her.
“Tell us,” she prompted. He crossed his arms and leaned back, obscuring his face once again. Jack scowled and looked away down the hall. Sam sighed and turned back to the younger version, “She wasn’t always like this, was she? She’s changed recently. And you had no way of knowing.”
“Oh for cryin’ out loud, you don’t just wake up one day and turn into a brain-eating zombie psycho!”
““Fuck you,” John turned to Carter, “Am I always this much of a prick?”
“Hey, language, kid!”
“Colonel!” Sam was completely exasperated. “We don’t have a lot of time here. Now we need to know what you . . . HE knows. So either sit and listen or go bug Thor!”
Both looked impressed and a little sheepish. The Colonel sniffed, “I’ll be good. Scout’s honor. Go ahead. Sorry.”
“We were friends,” John said, simply, resuming his abuse of his bootlace. “Good friends. She was my age---or close enough, which was a big plus. Not that speed chess and bocce ball aren’t a good time. And she was smart. Funny. Like she knew my jokes before I’d tell them . . .”
“Funny story. Turns out she would have,” Jack interjected, holding up a hand to stave off Sam’s complaint, “Can I ask why you weren’t completely freaked out by the fact that she looks like Carter’s dorky kid sister?”
“I didn’t know what she looked like. She wouldn’t meet me in person. Wouldn’t exchange pictures.”
“John,” Sam said before Jack could derail the conversation further. “Did she admit to knowing who you were? Did you talk about missions? The SGC?”
“Have I mentioned that I’m not an idiot?” John asked, his impatient gesture an exact copy of Jack’s. “No, we didn’t talk about . . . that life at all. We talked about . . . stuff. Astronomy. Motorcycles. The Simpsons. Aliens, yes . . . but just X-files, abductee stuff, nothing about what I really know. She never asked, and I obviously didn’t offer.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. If she was after the knowledge of the Ancients, why wouldn’t she be trying to find out what you know? Why would she waste time talking about cartoons?” Sam frowned, talking mostly to herself.
John gave a snort, yanking viciously on the knot he’d managed to make in his lace, “I guess her actually liking me’s out.”
“No, John, I’m . . . that’s not what I meant,” Sam cringed. “It’s just . . . we have to assume that whoever made her has something big in mind for her. How long were you two friends?”
“Eight months, maybe?”
“Eight months? We have got to get better intel.” Jack snapped. He picked up Carter’s glare and continued, trying to keep his voice neutral, “So . . .when did you realize she was following you.”
“I didn’t. Not until . . . that night.” John’s eyes darted toward Jack. “Don’t start. She kept her distance. I thought it was Carter.”
“And you didn’t approach?” Sam was puzzled. O’Neill, clone or not, was not one to play coy.
“I didn’t wanna scare you off,” John admitted quietly. “I missed you, Carter. Thought maybe if I left well enough alone you’d come to me. Crazy.”
Jack stamped down a pang of sympathy. Him without Carter. It wasn’t something he wanted to think about. Clearing his throat, he asked, “So what then? How’d you know it was Glinda at crime scene?”
“I hadn’t talked to her in a few weeks. She said . . . she said her father had died,” Sam and Jack exchanged a look as John fumbled for words, “Then things . . . got strange. She started calling me at all hours, crying and kind of . . . crazy. I wanted her to let me come see her, but she kept screaming that it wasn’t time yet and her father was going to be so angry.”
“Her father,” Sam tried to keep the excitement out of her voice in respect for John’s feelings. “Can you tell me what she told you about him? I’m sorry, John, I know this is hard. You lost a friend. But her father may be whoever created her. He could be very important.”
“Maybe. But I think you’re too late. I think she killed him.” John laughed hollowly, “She’d stopped calling me. Dropped off the face of the Earth. I was worried, and then Frank and Tien started getting these crazy calls. I don’t know why I even made the connection, but I just knew it was her. She was threatening them.
“Threatening them? Why?” Jack asked.
“She kept saying that they couldn’t have me. They just laughed it off as weird people you meet over the internet.”
“And she killed them,” Sam said gently. “John, I know this is hard, but can you tell us about that night?”
“Frank had the flu. I was bringing him take out. The door was open. I guess I knew there was something wrong then. Dropped the take out on the stoop---perfectly good mu-shu pork, too. There was . . . a lot of blood and not a lot of brain. His head . . .” He paused, his hand stilling with the lace wrapped tightly around one fingertip. “It just . . . flopped around. It was so light.”
Sam shuddered, sliding over to sit next to him. She reached down and gently unwound the lace from his fingertip, which was turning blue. “I’m sorry, John. I’m so sorry.” She took his hand.
“She was there, then?” Jack asked quietly, feeling strangely like an intruder.
John nodded, holding Sam’s hand tightly.“I didn’t know right away. And I wouldn’t have. She was on her way out the door and ‘poof!’ She was there, but all wavy. Like Nirrti. She started screaming at me about how they’d never have me. She had me now. And I was safe from her daddy. That was what made it click. I just . . . knew it was her. I tried to bring her down but she had a hand device. Jack, meet wall and I was down for the count. When I woke up, she was gone. I just got out the bathroom window before the cops closed in. By the time I made it to Tien’s, it was already a crime scene. I was just gonna lie low for a while, make my way back to the SGC when Thor beamed me up. Thank you so much for that.”
“Excuse me for being worried about your brain!” Jack retorted.
“I’m sorry, John. The Asgard can’t beam . . . Glinda . . . up for some reason. And we wanted you safe.”
“You mean you wanted what I know safe. This isn’t about me.”
“Oh for cryin’ out loud. I made Thor fix you, didn’t I?” Jack barked, hauling himself up. “Yes, we don’t want any unsavory characters getting a hold of all the stuff you know, but we don’t want anything to happen to you either, ok? Can we all hug now so Carter and I can get back and start figuring this out?”
“You and Carter? Oh, no! You’re not leaving me up here! I’m going home!” John wrenched his hand away from Carter and started to his feet.
“Jacks!” Carter shouted jumping to her feet and holding each of them at arm’s length. “At the moment, I’d say I’m the only one qualified to judge who should go where and with whom. Got it? Now, I’m gonna get some information from Thor and Heimdahl and then I’m going to make some decisions. And the two of you are going to be quiet. Understood?”
Jack stared dumbly at her palm planted against his chest. He peeled away her fingers one by one and stepped aside with an injured air. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re bossy, Carter?”
John snickered, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re whipped, Jack?”
“I’m telling you both that you’re a pain in the ass. Now move,” Carter stalked back up the corridor, not bothering to see if they were following.
They followed.
Back to Polly's Fic Page. Part ii of Chapter IV coming soon, I promise!