Title: Weirdly ever after

E-mail: [email protected], I can eat your feedback, I can eat your brains. Your choice, really.

Author’s Notes: I deny everything in Chapter I, pt. i. In this part, I lay out the framework of a plot that seems to grow more complicated with every second. Special thanks to the fantastic tech database at allstargate, and to all who have sent feedback on the previous parts.



After a few brushes with bodily harm, first from Sam and later from Teal'c, Daniel seemed to get the message that his team members' new relationship was off limits as a topic of discussion. He'd retreated to the other side of the table where he was idly shifting around the piles of money.

Janet smiled in triumph at his banishment as she pulled her chair up alongside Sam at the computer.

"So . . . what've we got here?" she'd said in tones loud enough for the others to hear, adding in a low voice, "Tell me everything."

"Lots of Asgard information that I need to have organized before we can start this briefing," Sam replied without looking Janet's way. She added, loudly enough for the two men to hear, "And no girl talk. You're cut off, Judas."

Fraiser's mouth dropped open in surprise. Daniel snickered. Janet glared at him and scooted back to the pile of file folders on the briefing room table with an injured sniff.

Sam had started with the technological specs the Asgard had given her on the chimera. The scans showed a confusing jumble of sophisticated information that she could only partially grasp and mistakes so basic that they were obvious even to her---and she was no biologist.

It's like a mothership held together with chewing gum, she thought. She instinctively turned to get Janet's take on the scans, then abruptly turned back. This would have to wait until things were settled with the General, one way or the other. Besides, she was still pissed.

Closing out the scans, Sam focused on getting the MiniMe surveillance recordings to play back. Clicking on a file at random to make sure things were in working order, she was blindsided by her own face filling the frame.

"Whoa!" She exclaimed involuntarily, her hand groping for the mouse to stop the playback. The image paused just as the chimera was slipping her sunglasses off. The others turned toward the computer.

Daniel slid from behind the table squinting at the monitor as he approached. "The Asgard are surveilling you, Sam? Why?"

Janet joined them, frowning as she studied the image, "That's . . . not Sam."

Teal'c towered over her shoulder, "Indeed it is not. It would appear to be the child of O'Neill and Major Carter."

Daniel began to choke on the mouthful of coffee he'd just swigged. "Their WHAT?" he wheezed the moment he had his breath back.


Everyone seemed to wait for Sam to speak, but she was silent, her eyes fixed on the monitor. She thought she'd been prepared but her mind was reeling.

"Sam . . ." Daniel began slowly between bouts of coughing, "I'm assuming that you and Jack weren't having a fling when you were in High School . . . although that would change everything in the timeframe pool . . ." Janet elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

"Sam . . . is Teal'c right?" She laid a hand gently on her friend's shoulder. "I mean, it would obviously be an alien construct of some kind . . . a rapidly aged embryo, maybe?"

"Why would anyone want to make a child from Sam and Jack?" Daniel wondered incredulously

"Maybe they're trying to fix the kiddie pool," Everyone's heads swiveled toward the sound of O'Neill's voice.

Daniel's eyes widened and he turned to Janet who smiled. They raced to their seats at the briefing table and began to write furiously. Teal'c followed at a more dignified pace.

Jack eyes met Sam's. He gave her a slight nod and the smallest of smiles, "Everything coming together, Carter?"

Sam let out a breath and nodded, "Yes, sir. There's a lot here---most of it confusing---but we'll work it out."

His smile widened a fraction, "Yeah. General'll be along in a minute." He sauntered over to the table and stopped behind Teal'c. "Six! You trying to kill an old man, Teal'c?"

"Not at all, O'Neill. It is merely my wish that you and MajorCarter experience the joys of many children," Teal'c replied. "They will be great warriors."

"Uh . . . thanks, T." He glanced toward Sam, who, to his relief, seemed to be hiding a smile, as she turned back to the monitor. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

The briefing room door opened again, admitting the General. Setting down a pile of folders and a small, flat box, he took his seat, "All right, people, we've got---as usual---a situation on our hands here. Before we get started with this briefing, there are a few things that need to be addressed." He looked pointedly toward Sam who swallowed hard as she took her seat.

Hammond pushed the box across the table to her. "Major, your father asked me to pass this on to you and now seems to be the right time."

"My father?" Sam looked alarmed, "Is he . . ."

"He's just fine, Sam," the General cut in, a smile finally breaking through his stern façade, "In fact, he'll be damned proud when he gets the news. Why don't you go on and open that?"

Puzzled, Sam lifted the hinged lid to reveal a pair of silver oak leaf clusters. They had a rich luster that bespoke their age and the care lavished on them. "General?"

"They're your father's. Of course, you'll be issued a pair of your own, but given that, once again, you're being done out of an official ceremony, I thought you might like to have them now." Hammond took in the confused faces of the rest of the team. "It should be a surprise to no one that effective immediately, Major Carter is being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel."

"Thank you, sir!" Sam breathed fingering the insignia. Her face fell a moment later as she pondered the implications. She glanced at Jack and set her jaw. "Sir, I . . ."

"Colonel Carter," the General held up a hand. "This promotion is long overdue. Make no mistake that it is given entirely in recognition of your service to this country. And there'll be hell to pay for anyone who suggests differently."

Sam cheeks flushed slightly with pleasure, "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

The others smiled and murmured their congratulations, beaming at one another. Jack silently regarded her with pride and affection.

"It should also be no surprise that Lieutenant Colonel Carter is slated to be placed in command of SG-1." He glanced toward Sam who looked as if she might burst out in song. "Unfortunately, the current situation demands that that be delayed until after this mission is complete. Colonel O'Neill has been recalled to active duty . . . again," the General acknowledged Jack's pained sigh with a roll of his eyes, "and will reassume command of the team for the time being."

Daniel's eyebrows shot up as he looked toward Janet. The doctor shrugged and shook her head, indicating that she was as much at a loss as he to explain the extraordinary announcement that Sam and Jack would be allowed to serve on the same team, even temporarily.

The exchange was not lost on Hammond. "We're adults here, people. Regulations forbid fraternization between officers and their subordinates. Regulations also know exactly diddly about what the men and women of the SGC face on a daily basis. There are no rulebooks for most of what we do here. Fortunately, in this case, that gives me some latitude in how I interpret the rules that do exist. Now if any of you thinks that Colonels Carter and O'Neill serving together on this mission represents a problem, feel free to speak up now."

Jack spoke up as more smiles and looks of satisfaction were traded around the table. "Not a problem, sir, but a technical question . . . diddly? Is that metric?"

Hammond frowned deeply, a sure sign he was trying not to laugh, "Don't push it Jack." He turned to Sam, "Lieutenant Colonel, what have you been able to learn so far."

"Not a lot, sir," Sam paused a moment to relish the sound of her new rank, then reached for the remote and clicked on the LCD projector. "While keeping Colonel O'Neill's clone under surveillance, the Asgard discovered this . . . woman," she clicked over to the unnerving close-up, "seemed to be following him. The resemblance is obvious."

". . . and creepy," Jack added.

"Definitely creepy," Sam gave a small, nervous smile. "The Asgard's scans cover only a brief period of observation, but they seem to confirm that this woman bears a combination of my DNA and the Colonel's. Now, the strange thing . . ."

"Just one?" Daniel asked.

"One of the stranger things is the way in which the DNA was combined." Unable to hide her relief, Sam clicked from the surveillance video to one of the brain scans, "Each of the cells has either my DNA or the Colonel's. They're distinct, but both are fully integrated into the brain tissue."

"And they're labeled!" Janet exclaimed. "A full-blown human chimera! That's unbelievable!"

"Doctor?" The General looked toward her expectantly.

"It's a genetic construct. Say, for example, you knew a child would have some kind of congenital liver defect. We can take healthy, stem cells, graft them into the embryo, and influence the development of a healthy liver from different DNA." Janet explained.

"And the glowing?" Jack asked.

"It's a tag, sir. A way of making sure that the cells from both individuals have developed in the maturing organism. The green cells have your DNA."

"Cool! But most of the green stuff is in the brain. That . . ." Jack squinted, "really doesn't make any sense. If you're putting together a Colonel Potatohead, wouldn't you want Carter's brain and my . . . " he groped for some positive attribute of his own, ". . . miraculous abs?"

"We're looking at the hippocampus, sir," Janet approached the screen and gestured to the concentration of glowing cells, "This is larger than the normal human hippocampus by about 50%. Half of it's made up of brain cells and half is Sam's."

"What's the significance of that, doctor?" Hammond wondered.

"The Hippocampus is where learning and memory happen, sir." Janet frowned, "I don't pretend to know how this has played out in this woman, but whoever made this construct wanted her to have the memories of both Sam and Colonel O'Neill as well as their . . . unique . . . . ways of learning."

"Thor and Heimdahl both thought that whoever did this was after the knowledge of the ancients." Jack interjected. "Could that be what they're after with my . . . hungry hungry hippo thing?"

"But the Asgard removed that from your mind, did they not, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked as Jack shrugged.

"Maybe they think they can recover it . . . like from a wiped hard drive." Sam turned to Janet, "Is that possible?"

"I really can't say," Janet threw up her hands, "I can't even predict how this woman's brain would work---if it works at all. Memory isn't just encapsulated in cells that you can just drop in. It's a complicated network that human scientists only understand a very small part of . . ."

"Ooh!" Jack snapped his fingers, "Temple hickey!"

Sam's hand flew to her own temple, "What?"

Jack swallowed a laugh at her discomfiture, "The . . . Not You . . . go to where she takes off her glasses . . ." Sam reached for the remote and switched back to the surveillance. "There!" He pointed triumphantly to a circular mark just visible on her temple. "Temple hickey. Like we've all had . . . oh I've lost count of how many times. Why are people always trying to suck our brains?"

"It would appear that an attempt to retrieve the knowledge of the ancients from this chimera has already been made," Teal'c observed.

"Guess that makes MiniMe plan B," Jack put in.

"He's the next logical target, yes," Sam agreed.

"Shouldn't we have him picked up, then?" Daniel asked.

"Sicced him on the Asgard," Jack replied, adding in response to Daniel's disapproving look, "What? They couldn't beam Not-Carter up, so it seemed like the next best thing!"

Sam added something to the list she'd been making on her pad and spoke. "He's certainly at risk, given that she's already killed two people. But in terms of getting the knowledge of the Ancients? I'm not sure that she's capable of retrieving the information, even if it's possible."

"What makes you say that, Colonel?" Hammond asked.

"The technology that this woman has access to is unbelievable, General. In the short time that the Asgard have been observing her, she's used Goa'uld tablets and page turners," she flicked to a new image, "Invisibility devices, probably both Asgard and Goa'uld phase shifters, obviously Tok'ra memory devices. We can't even begin to guess what she's got in the way of weapons and shield technology, but based on what we do know, it's safe to assume that if any SG team has seen it, she could have it."

"This sounds . . . um . . . really bad?" Daniel was unnerved by Sam's matter-of-fact tone as she rattled off the list of dangerous technologies.

"Well, it would be, except she doesn't seem to really know how to use most of them. She keeps messing up. The Asgard suspect that she was trying to follow MiniMe invisibly, but she kept popping into view. And she blew up some device that Thor thought might be a Tollan long-range communication device," Sam stared down at the table, battling a smile,

"Those'll be my genes, obviously." Jack said, catching her eye. "So her VCR's flashing 12:00. What do we make of this?"

"Well, it's as if whoever made her stumbled across some huge cache of alien technology and just started . . . pushing buttons," Sam was clearly at a loss. "The chimera herself is full of mistakes; there's no rhyme or reason to most of the technology she's using. It's like a Neanderthal in a computer store."

"Ooh, good metaphor!" Jack smiled appreciatively as Sam's expression turned sheepish.

"It is a simile, O'Neill," Teal'c corrected, "And it, indeed, seems most apt." Jack stuck out his tongue.

"Regardless of whether or not she can use it, what I want to know is where this technology came from." Hammond's mouth was set in a grim line.

"Sounds like she's been on a shopping trip to Nulles, doesn't it General." Jack's previously playful expression vanished.

"Not necessarily, sir," Sam shook her head, "A lot of this technology was returned to its owners by the Asgard when Colonel O'Neill infiltrated Maybourne's operations."

"It's coming from somewhere, Sam, and the biological evidence points to some alien techniques stuck on to a construct that's pretty standard human genetics," Janet gestured toward the screen.

"So this chimera . . . it's a human technology?" Daniel asked, aghast, "We do this?"

"Not exactly," Sam said, "Most chimeric research is done with model organisms---fish, bacteria, mice . . ."

"And this is how we wind up with Pinky and the Brain. When will we learn?" Jack threw down his pen.

Sam continued " . . . because of the difficulty of the process and the obvious ethical issues."

"Most," Janet said glancing toward General Hammond who gave her a slight nod. "Interest in genetic constructs in Washington kicked into high gear around the time of the second Abydos mission."

"When we gave Teal'c asylum . . ." Daniel said.

"And we lost Kawalsky," Jack added quietly, "and the parade of aliens started through here."

Janet nodded, "When General Hammond selected me to replace Dr. Warner, the briefing from Washington was . . . enlightening. They had very definite ideas about what my role at the SGC should be. And it wasn't about patching up wounds and saving lives."

"And you're telling us now that . . . what . . . you've been providing people like . . . like Kinsey . . . and Samuels access to the DNA of every . . . every . . . every," Daniel stammered.

"Dr. Jackson!" Hammond barked, "You're out of line!"

"It's fine, sir. What I'm saying, Daniel, is that General Hammond chose me for this post for a reason. Things happen fast around here, and thanks mostly to SG-1, I've got three crises an hour to handle." She smiled wryly, "That doesn't leave a lot of opportunities for extracurricular research. And I've got the clumsiest staff in the world. You wouldn't believe the number of tissue samples we've folded, spindled, and mutilated over the years."

"You sly dog, Fraiser! We must look like F-troop from Washington," Jack chuckled.

"Now I've tried to play both sides of the fence as best I can. Interested parties in Washington may have gotten the idea that I'm frustrated by what I suspect is sabotage and a certain lack of cooperation from the SGC," Janet met General Hammond's eye, "I think it might be time to make that move, sir."

Hammond tapped his pen on the table thoughtfully, "You may be right, doctor. What do you propose?"

"A trip to the Pentagon with Teal'c, sir," She an apologetic glance, toward the two men on the other side of the table. "My 'friends' in Washington might believe that certain research avenues might have opened up since Colonel O'Neill's retirement. A genuine Jaffa in their facility could put them in a sharing mood."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" O'Neill slapped the table, "We're gonna start lettin' the bad guys poke around at Teal'c now?"

"If I take Teal'c on a trip on my own authority and the General orders us back just before they can do anything interesting, the risk should be minimal," Janet looked across to Teal'c, "Obviously it's up to you, Teal'c. We can find another bone to throw them . . ."

"I will accompany you, Dr. Fraiser. I have no symbiote now, and I believe that the information that can be obtained from me will be limited," Teal'c offered without hesitation.

"Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond looked at Jack expectantly.

He sighed, "You sure about this?" Teal'c bowed his head. "All right then. But don't make it easy for them. Dig those heels in and try to keep 'em from . . . sucking anything."

"Can you start this afternoon, doctor?" Hammond asked, "We've got to time this so that it looks as if you took the first opportunity after the Colonel's retirement to move."

"Yes, sir. I'll just need a while to go through the Asgard scans so I know what to look for. We should probably travel on a commercial flight so it looks like I'm trying to go under the radar."

"I'll see that the arrangements are made," Hammond made scrawled down a note.

"Oh, doctor, can you take Major Davis his winnings?" Daniel pushed a smile pile of cash across the table. Sam and Jack both glared at him. "Just . . . the extraordinary circumstances pool," he explained with a frown and a small cough.

"General Hammond," Teal'c began, pointedly turning his back on Daniel, "Although it is imperative that we find out who is behind this chimera, should we not be attempting to stop her from causing further harm as well?"

"Obviously that is a priority, Teal'c. Any suggestions, Colonel Carter?"

"We know that the Asgard can't get a lock on her to transport her. Could be the result of some kind of shielding or cloaking technology. The bottom line, sir, is that we know far too little about her to make a safe approach."

"Then we anticipate her next move." Jack said. "Head her off at the pass."

"If her goal is to recover the knowledge of the ancients, would your brain not be her next target, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"As unlikely as anyone wanting my brain seems, I'd say yes, that's a possibility."

"Wait, wait . . ."Daniel held up a hand, "She's killed two people. How? And who were they?"

"Messily, that's how," Jack shuddered at the memory. "One was some old guy MiniMe met for speed chess a few times. Haven't seen the other one."

"Why them? And why would she kill them if what she wants is information?"

"There's surveillance footage from the crime scene," O'Neill said slowly. It's pretty . . . graphic."

"Noted, Colonel. Let's see it," Hammond turned to the screen as Sam began clicking through files, trying to find the right date.

"My god," Janet breathed as Sam froze the image on a close-up of young O'Neill kneeling by the mutilated body of an older man.

"Teal'c," Daniel said, sounding a bit green, "Is that . . ."

"It is indeed, DanielJackson." Teal'c turned to General Hammond, "This man was once abducted by the Asgard Loki."

"What the heck is MiniMe up to hanging out with him?" Jack snapped.

"I have no idea . . . and I've got even less of a clue about . . ." Daniel broke off. He slipped his glasses off and approached the screen, "She took his brain! Sam, are there images of the other victim?"

"No, there don't seem to be. General, have you got the files Kovacek wrestled from Detective Barnes?" Sam asked.

"Right here," he slid half his stack of folders toward her.

Sam flipped through, her expression grim. "Here," she handed Daniel an 8x10 from the autopsy of the first victim, a middle-aged woman.

Daniel held it up to Teal'c, who nodded. "Another abductee."

"And another missing brain," Daniel added, tapping the photo.

"A . . . zombie . . . glowing . . . MiniWe?" Jack threw down his pen, "That's it. I wanna talk to whomever's scripting this load of clichéd horror crap!"

"Zombie?" Daniel asked distractedly.

"Never mind," Sam said shooting Jack a long-suffering look, "Is it possible that she thinks these abductees have some information she can harvest?"

"No temple hickeys," Jack noted, pointing to the pictures. "Those brains were lunch."

Daniel blinked as he slid his glasses back on, "No . . . I think it's some kind of ritual for her. Removal of the brain through the nose is part of the ancient Egyptian embalming method. They felt the brain was unimportant. They'd carefully preserve other organs and throw it away."

"So . . . where does that leave us?" Jack asked.

"I don't know . . ." Daniel glanced at O'Neill. "Any idea why your younger self would have sought out these people?"

"The kid's playing speed chess. No telling what he'll do." Jack said in a sulky tone.

"I think it's time the two of you had a chat then, Colonel," Hammond ordered. "Colonel Carter, can we contact the Asgard and let them know we need to interview Colonel O'Neill's clone as soon as possible?"

"I . . . I guess if Thor's ship is in orbit, we can use the communication device. If we can find it in the storeroom." Sam said, mentally trying to recall when she'd last seen the stone.

"I can lay hands on it," Daniel ducked his head. "I've been using it as a paper weight."

O'Neill rolled his eyes, "Sir, since I've drawn the short straw and will be spending some quality time with MiniMe, I'd like to take Carter along. She might be able to pick Thor and Heimdahl's . . . brains . . . sorry. Bad metaphor."

"Good idea, Colonel." Hammond nodded ignoring the quip. After a moment, he added, "Let's recall we're working under the gun here. We need to neutralize this . . . chimera . . . as soon as possible."

"Oh, don't worry, sir. Thor's already nixed nooners." Jack said with a sour look. Sam blushed furiously and glared at Jack. Janet sputtered as she inhaled a mouthful of coffee.

"I think I'd better look into the technology angle, General." Daniel remarked, oblivious to the incident. "Since we're going all covert, it might be time for Dr. Jackson to do some bumbling around the artifact storage facility at Area 51."

"You'll need to make an inventory of all the technology the Asgard have documented so far," Sam said tearing the top sheet off her notepad, "I've only just started, but the information is available on the base computer."

"Right," Daniel frowned. "I still should be able to get out of here tonight. If I arrive late enough, maybe I can take advantage of the B-team being on duty . . ."

"You have your assignments then, people. Dismissed." Hammond began gathering his things.

"Let's go call us some little grey men, shall we, kids?" Jack stood and headed for the door, "Carter, remind me to get my phone back from them, will ya?"