Zombination
zombies!!!
woooo!!
i love zombies. the thing i love about them most is how they are all messed
up and stuff. i have never even once seen a zombie that didn't have his
faced all caved in with all pus everywhere. Next time i see one im just
gonna get all physical on his ass and punch him right in his cakehole. that
will teach him for being undead.
did you read the above paragraph?
i did.
see how i would deal with a zombie? yes i know. im cool. well it takes
alot to become a proper zombie hunter like i have decided i am. i watched
a few zombie films once at my house. well i watched the credits at the end
of the third one because i was too busy being cool and retuning my guitar
or something.
i noticed that in these films the zombies are fucking slow. you get this
bitch all scared and shit coz some local bum got himself all smashed up
by a brick and somehow came back to life and turned into a zombie. then
she runs at full pace through some convenient fairground with the zombie
on her tail. but the thing is the zombie is all fucked up. its legs are rotting,
but because she is retarded it catches her up when she falls asleep or something
against the bumper cars.
its that kinda thing that makes me angry. that's why I zombie hunt. I zombie
hunt to protect people like this girl I heard about from Manchester who
woke up one day with a zombie fucking about in her bedroom. he ripped her
arms off and she is still traumatized by it today. I saw this story on a
bench somewhere in case you are interested.
don't get me wrong. I do love zombies, but I love killing them even more.
makes me feel like a natural woman.
One time me and Britney were in some Graveyard somewhere skinning up when
we heard this moaning. no it wasn't Mark moaning about Britney's persistent
virginity vow, it was a fucking zombie. He came right up out of the ground
and grabbed Britney. I instantly took out a Red Hot Chili Peppers cd and
rotted away the zombie's head with their uber-funky vibes. He dropped Britney
straight away and fell to the ground in pain. We took one of Britney's stilettos
each and began pounding the heel into the zombies head and eyes until it
spontaneously combusted and left the smell of Lynx Apollo in the air. Britney
argued it was Lynx Aztec, but if it was anything besides Lynx Apollo it would
have been Lynx Gravity or perhaps Lynx Africa.
So if ever you have any zombie trouble you give old Haz here a call. I
would leave my number but I'm really cool and you would probably abuse the
privilege. so send me an email or something at [email protected]
The Chev
Chevy chase
where would the world be without chevy chase?
It would be all fucked up thats where it would be. all fucked up.
imagine if patrick swayze played the third amigo in 'The Three Amigos'
would it be as good? possibly yes, but it would still leave a hole in my
heart enough to drive a small child's toy bus through.
imagine if The guy who played Bungle in Rainbow was the lead protagonist
in the 'Fletch' films. I dont think it would work half as well. Zippy would
turn in his grave. only Chevy chase has the range enough to play that guy.
never one to be typecast, chevy played the lovable loser in the three amigos,
the lovable loser in 'memoirs of the invisible man' (so ive heard) and the
lovable loser in 'national lampoons european vacation'. how he didn't win
the oscar for that performance is both a mystery and an abomination to human
intellect.
how does chevy chase influence me you ask? how on earth can such a man
as chevy chase affect a cool guy like Hasbo? Well the people who say that
don't really know me.
Each day when i wake up i try to live like Chevy does. Happy-go-lucky type
of person, never really bothering about the silly things in life,, i try
as much as I can to be like him. So at school I try to play the lovable loser.
when things go wrong its always me to blame. If someone trips up or if Alex
goes mental again and starts raping a tree... im to blame whether I like
it or not. This makes me loved by my friends and fan girls alike. To know
that someone as perfect as me has flaws is comfort for everyone. Perfection
is a scary thing and people can not understand it, so i play the fool sometimes
to let people know i'm just one of the guys... little do they know that
I would not piss on them if they were on fire unless i had petrol piss...
alot of people ask me (or at least i wish they did), "Harry, if you and
chevy chase were stuck on a desert island, what would you bring?"
I always reply to them, "Nothing, as chevy is my mind, body and soul"
this usually results in dissalusionment as they thought i would bring condoms
and the person mouthing the words 'genius'. its either that or 'Kryptonite',
and I cant see where Kryptonite would come into play when talking about
me and chevy Chase on a desert island. unless superman turned bad and tried
to hunt us down in our desert paradise. then i would have no trouble in getting
kryptonite and ramming it up his arse.
I often wonder what would happen if I met chevy chase in real life. I dont
think i'd go all crazy like my fan girls. I would play it cool and wait
at least 4 and a half minutes before propositioning him for a quickie behind
a rusty tricycle. He'd be crap and i would be brilliant.
as I dont believe in protection, our forthcoming child would be named Justin.
Justin, after Justin Timberlake from N'Sync as he helped me get over Kojak.
[email protected]
Chuffing Cool
"HOW TO BE COOL" by Harry MacPherson.
everybody knows how cool i am.
so I thought I would teach you how to be like me, because I love me and
i love being cool.
things you need to be cool:
1: Black Clothes.
Black Clothes are an essential item for coolness. Black connotes darkness
and mystery. People are intrigued by mystery and dark things are always
cooler than light things. An example is Star Wars. Darth Vader, as black
as soot is far cooler than Mighty white skywalker. Even though Vader is
meant to be the villain his dark clothes make him an instant cool gay icon.
I wear black clothes all the time. Even when it looks like I'm wearing red
or blue or something, I've probably painted my body black underneath. Yeah
I may sweat like rik waller on a treadmill but i sweat coolly.
I remember one time when me and Aguillera were at Art Garfunkle's house
and Shakira came in wearing an all in one white Catsuit. Man! did she get
ribbed that night!!! we wouldnt let her on stage until she had couloured each
and every inch of that catsuit with black Crayon. They were non-toxic Crayola
Crayons, but I still managed to make her violently sick as she came off stage.
She died a few days later. with the help of Dr. Fox we revived her and she
told us of her trip down a tunnel of light and at the end of it was the cast
and crew of BlackAdder.
2: Attitude.
You need attitude to get anywhere in life. Emulate my attitude as it is
the right path to take on the road to coolness. Like this time once, when
this so-called fan girl came up and asked for my autograph! The cheek! She
was probably no more than 13 and I could see the razor blade marks all over
her arms. I asked her "How did you get those cuts?" she told me that she had
a narrow escape when her nasty brother put a 'Muse' tape in the case for
her secret recordings of me snoring she got all prepared to listen to my
class hawking, when all of a sudden a shrieking banshee wail came out of
it. At first she thought it was her tape of me exploding but it turned out
to be 'Origin of Symmetry'. She felt compelled to cut herself again and again.
when her parents found her she had lost 26 pints of blood and could barely
lift the razor blade you got free with the blank tape. I told this girl "you
are no fan girl of mine, get the fuck out of my perfect face"! she had abused
her body and that's not the attitude to take. I had the right attitude, learn
from me.
When in McDonalds, do not settle for what they give you. Demand more. I
always demand a knife and fork when eating at McDonalds as it is lovely and
stops the mayonnaise from damaging my jodpers. Me and Sophie-Ellis-Bextor
always go to McDonalds together.We hide in the toilets stuffing BBQ and tomato
sauce down our pants. we are not stupid. a Life like mine can lead to many
opportunities of being sauceless. but due to my quick thinking and Sophie's
quick fingers we will never go sweet and sour-less again.
3. Guitars:
I only learnt to play the guitar when I had an affair with Northumberland
st's famous armless busker. He would make me stand behind him and play while
he pretended to play an argos guitar with his stumps and his shoulder bone.
People took pity on him and his maggot infested limbs and were surprised
to hear him play so well. It was me all along. I played so well because if
i didnt, when we got home he would chain me to his life size replica windmill
and splash me with 7-up each time i went around.
4. Drugs
some drugs are cool some drugs are not cool. anything that injects is bad,
anything you can sprinkle on toast is good.
Remember:
inject = bad
toast = good
this time when i was playing 'connect four' with Jessica Simpson, i was
convinced that I had done a four in a row, but Jessica being the cunt that
she is said "look Harry, you have done two in a row, and that hardly merits
a game winning performance". but i had taken a ton of my special drug that
morning and was still buzzing so i was seeing double. "No Jessica Fat Simpson,"
I said "I have a connect four therefore i win, now go fuck off and read the
bible" She did just that. she started preaching the bible to me, but I had
previously used her bible to snort little bits of refreshers (my special drug),
so it was covered in a thin residue of the pink stuff. It got right up Jessica's
nose... literally..and she too started hallucinating. We both ended up doing
cameos in 'Dude where's my car? 2' and getting tattoos of various members
of A-Ha on our elbows.
so if you follow these rules, you too will be a wicked-cool guy!
[email protected]
That Bastard What Lives In My House
Bobby MacPherson
this guy is one of my main influences besides Chevy.
no one has been able to touch his brilliance to date. except for his ex
wife who looks like an alien. she is meant to be a model. a model of an alien
maybe... you see what I did there? I used the word 'brilliance' as a substitute
for the word 'cock'. that's a metaphor or something. or maybe its an anagram.
My friend Edward doesnt find bobby sexually appealing at all. He says
he'd have to be quite drunk to want to rape him again. I'm not saying he
wouldn't... I mean after a few tequilas Ed's anyone's, but in a natural
sober state He would probably pass up his offer of a freaky threesome with
him and Jodie Foster any day. my brother probably has blue sperm anyway,
that glows in the dark. I dont like to think about it. I like to think he
has no penis.
when I do stuff I try to think to myself, "what would bobby do here?' so
I end up doing something really strange like grope a boiling kettle and
that does me just fine. when I was a little boy i used to think i was bobby
reincarnated. I know he wasn't dead or anything but me and Bob Dylan had
this plan where we were gonna kill bobby, then kill me, then Bob Dylan would
burn the bodies in a pit and somehow that would make me reborn as bobby.
we never really worked out the technical parts but that was one damn cool
Sunday afternoon.
its no coincidence the word 'bobby' is like the word 'sproggy'.
I love Bobby. if anyone is in touch with my wavelength it is him. we can
sometimes go 24 hours without sleep and just chill with some toilet duck
in a park somewhere.
there was this one time when Tom Jones tried to step up to me and try force
himself onto me. i was all up for it, but Bobby whispered in my ear 'he
is minging' and those words i hold dear to this day. in the morning when
i rolled out from Tom Jones's embrace i did notice that in the translucent
light of day, Tom Jones was indeed minging. he smelled of lynx mirage.
[email protected]
Spaztastic
Spiders.... damn them....
Buggers of the underground
I hate spiders. I fucking hate them. They scare the shit out of me and
theyre fucking everywhere. This one time I was just lunchin on a tasty boosh
outside the spinny with Enrique and I saw something move. At first I thought
it was Alfie on one of his tree climbing expeditions caused by severe schizophrenia
and Davesyndrome but when I looked closer it was a fucking spider. I immediately
pulled out the ray gun from my moustache but it was too late. the spider
had used its abnormally large genitals to propel itself from the wankel engine
of the Mazda and pinned Enrique to the floor. Being the fruit he is he did
nothing to defend his self and it was up to old muggins to save his bollocks/bollock.
I shot the hairy bastard in the face and Enrique was left with no injuries
apart from the loss of a mole.
Ever since this incident I have been very weary of those 8-legged freakstm.
I now cover myself with deep-heat at night to prevent them from sticking
their dagger-like pincers into my firm, fantastic, perfect, extremely talented
and good-looking flesh. It works. Other methods of keeping spiders away can
be found somewhere (possibly up a tree or at tom jones' house).
The one thing I hate more than spiders are people who aren’t afraid of
spiders and Joey Phatone from N-Sync. Joey because he tried to cop a feel
when we were watching “The Bill” and people who aren’t afraid of spiders
because they’re scum. If you see a spider they go and pick it up to get rid
of it but then they suddenly realise that the power in you and their relationship
has somewhat shifted. every time this happens they will go like this, “do
you want a look?” and they will put the spider if front of your face even
though they know that it makes you poo yourself. As you all know by now I
am not the kind of person who stands for this. I usually jab a pen in their
eye but there are many methods you can use.
If you ever encounter a spider try to catch it. you can do all sorts
of experiments on them and nice ones will let you watch them excrete. It
is a fascinating procedure involving prosthetic limbs and a lot of feces
to shovel. dont lick it.
Some bastards call my fear of spiders irrational. i say to these bastards
"an elephant has many legs, but a duck has only one." this gets the cunts
thinking which gives me time to kick them as hard as i can and as many times
as i can in the scrote. I dont think its irrational. the spider which attacked
my from the car did some serious damage to Enrique. The mole was the only
reason he was famous. Imagine if a spider ate my hair. where would i be?
my hair is the source of all my powers. Obviously i would still be cooler
than anyone in the world (apart from chevy) but it could seriosly effect
the rest of my life.
i kicked joey Phatone really hard in the clems.
[email protected]