About
The Team
Past Issues
Competition
Contact Us
Submissions
Celebrity Connections
Ned
Sitting through a movie for two or three hours only to find that it was crap is something we�ve all had to endure. Some movies are great, but too long. So here at Poison Vanilla we�ve got an alternative to watching films. My attitude in life is to know just enough about lots of things so people think you�re clever. Just read below to save yourself wasting 2-3 hours of your life and still be able to talk about the film, especially ridiculously annoying ones like Titanic!
Titanic:
Kate Winslet is rich. Leonardo Di Caprio is poor. They fall in love.
Kate: Oh no, an iceberg!
(The ship sinks, people die)
Leo: Here u lay on this bit of wood while I die in the water.
(He dies, she gets old and pointlessly throws a big old diamond into the sea, nutty cow.)
Moulin Rouge
(Two people from the wrong sides of life fall in love despite the girl being promised to someone else, aka The Plot of Romeo and Juliet)
Lots of shiny lights and bright colours.
Ewan McGregor: I�m jealous
Nicole Kidman: I�m dying.
(Nicole dies. Ewan cries. Sad songs.)
The Craft
New girl: You girls are witches?
Bunch of freaks: Yup and we steal! Ooooh, we�re such rebels.
New girl: I don�t know about this�
Bunch of freaks try to kill new girl.
New girl turns out to be a better witch than them.
Chocolat:
Juilet Binoche: Me and my daughter are going to open a chocolate shop during Lent whatever these stuck up emotionally frigid biblebashing villagers say!
(Johnny Depp arrives)
Juliet Binoche: I�m gonna date this gypsy guy whatever those villagers say!
Judi Dench, that woman from The Matrix and other villagers: We accept you.
They are all happy.
The Virgin Suicides:
Boys: We fancy those girls.
(Girls kill themselves for no reason)
Boys: Why did they do it?
Almost Famous:
A rock band let a teenager come along with them. Kate Hudson is the rock star�s girlfriend. He dumps her.
Kate: I know I shouldn�t be upset but I am.
Teenager: Poor Kate. I love her.
Kate almost dies but Teenager saves her. The rock band and teenager almost die in a plane crash. The rock band say Teenager�s article is lies. Kate moves to morocco. Rock Star admits it was true.
Audience: Isn�t anyone going to get together?
Happy Ending (despite this)
The Craft Review
Virgin Suicides Review
Film Reviews