tall

    People tend to want things that they can�t have. I�m so sick of short people always complaining about it. I mean, talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth.
    First off, I don�t think that I�m that tall. I�m a little over six foot but too lazy to measure myself. However, when I look at my shorter friends, I think that I�m the same size. My best friend Jay was a few inches taller than me for the first ten years we were friends. I had a growth spurt at some point and apparently I�m at least six inches taller than him. And I have been for years. But, I honestly don�t realize it. Sometimes, I�ll walk with him and he can go right under stuff that I end up cracking my skull on.
    This brings me to my second point: Short people generally don�t walk into things. When my mom washes the kitchen floor, she moves the table. I can always tell the floor is clean because when I walk downstairs in the morning and try to eat some cereal, the first thing I do is smash my head on the ceiling lamp that should be hanging down over the center of the table. That is because, like a blind person, I rely on things being in the same place and I don�t look for them hitting me in the face first thing in the morning. That is because, like a blind person, I am blind when I wake up.
    I think that my mom is bitter about being the shortest member of the family and is trying to get revenge. All of the cabinets in the kitchen are just a little above my head and when he doors are open, they are just out of my line of sight. I think my mom leaves them open so that I walk into them and get the corner right between my eyes. I think that as a short person, she doesn�t realize how much that hurts.
    Two summers ago I went to Storybookland with my mom, aunts, and four of my little cousins. I was walking alongside a building when suddenly I whacked a massive hanging flowerpot with my face. While I grabbed my head and yelled, the force of my collision had turned the basket into a twenty pound pendulum which swung back and nailed me in the face much to the delight of my mom, aunts, and four of my little cousins.
    Then, to add insult to injury, most of the stuff in Storybookland is kid sized. Now I�m sure in some kind of sick way that makes sense. But maybe they should have to makes things bigger, like how wheelchair ramps are required by law. Way to make being tall a handicap Storybookland.
    I tried to hide my tears by walking into the threefoot high doorway of Snow White�s house and falling down. I still have nightmares of those children laughing diabolically at my failed attempt to gain entry� unless of course they just thought it was funny �cause I fell� no� they�re evil.
    But think about it, if you are a short person, you can fit into a lot of places where I can�t. McDonald�s Playland, that sweet playground in Toms River near the police station, Storybookland; just to name a few. And by being able to fit in smaller places you�ll be that much better at manhunt or hide and seek. I�m so goony that I can�t find any good places to hide anymore. And I can just forget about trying to hide in a crowd from potential kidnappers, tall people don�t blend in easily.

The thing that really gets my goat about short people is Halloween. Think about it. If you are thirty, but are short, you can still dress up in a costume with a mask and get candy. I hate you short people. If I had that kind of valid lease on childhood I would love every second of it.
    Also, when you�re tall short people get in the way. By short people I mean little kids that I can�t see until I�m stepping over them at the last second. You�ve never really felt like an asshole until you�ve stepped on a little kid who darted at you in the middle of the mall.
    That is why I think that there should be a law that requires little kids under a certain height to be outfitted with a flag. If a kid gets lost the parents can look for their personalized flag and the kid won�t be lost anymore. Plus tall people won�t have to step on them.
    Finally, when you are short, people don�t expect you to be good at a sport. I don�t think I�ve ever heard sombody say, I want this kid on my team because short people are good at soccer. I have heard people pick tall people first for basketball though. If you are short and good at basketball then it�s a bonus. I am tall though. And I suck at basketball. And failing to meet high expectations is the pits.
    In reality, I was never Joe Motorskills, but I held my own. That is, until I hit puberty and anything I had went out the window. Maybe if I had stayed short I would have retained my ability to not be completely awkward and I could be a basketball superstar today. At the very least I wouldn�t have so many bumps on my head. Man� short people have all the luck.