monkey

     Due to my continuing distrust and dislike of humans, I have decided upon my future station in life. I have officially decided to become a monkey. In two years I will have an associates degree from Occ and I will be able to become a professional monkey.
      Instead of spending my time wallowing in front of the idiot box all day, I'm going to relearn how to climb trees and improve my throwing skills. My hand eye coodination was never anything to brag about. But, I figure that by the time the year is up, I'll be able to bust coconuts on the heads of passers-by with the best of them.
      In addition to throwing coconuts at passers-by, there are other important aspects to the job. Aspects such as "Throwing poop at passers-by" and "Peeing on passers-by." I'll have to start eating more consistently. And I am going to make sure to drink more than the recommended daily amount of water. If I am going to go pro, not only do I have to be in shape for climbing and throwing, I have to make sure that the ammunition that I am throwing is top of the line.
      And I have to get my mind in shape too. I am enrolling in a Primatology course where, presumably, they will teach me how to speak like a monkey. I'm sure I could bullshit my way through with handsignals and what-not. But if I want to get to where the real money is, I'm going to have to be ready to compete. And, to be ready to compete, I have to be ready to communicate.
      I already know how to juggle and I am working on playing the
mini-accordian. So, I'll have an edge when it comes to entertaining. However, in order to really set myself apart from the crowd, I am going to become a Zen Buddist. I figure I'll have the market pretty much cornered there. How many professional monkeys do you know who are also Zen Buddists? Not too many, I'd wager.
      Now when people ask me what I want to do with my life I can finally give them a straight answer. No more "Ninja sciences major" or "Worm Farmer." Of course, I will be minoring in ninja science because you never know when you'll need somthing to fall back on. (Plus there are even fewer Zen Buddist Ninja Monkeys -professional or amature.)
      But, the sweetest part of it all -even sweeter than all that money and glory- is that I don't have to try to understand people anymore. All I have to do is pee or poop or drop coconuts on them and giggle my little monkey giggle.