| hey hey... what's up? yeah, same here, but don't worry it'll all get better soon. Okay, here's some stuff... some of it funny I hope. I haven't been updating in a while because even though I started to a little bit after summer was over I was stricken with a horrible case of crippling laziness plus a slight case of the blues. It's funny because lack of sleep plus depression which causes more (and coincidentally more painful) insomnia was not a winning formula this time. Here's why this is funny; sometimes when you hate your life, you try to change it for the better. And sometimes, you just make a silly website about how ridiculous your life and all the people in it are. But as you may have noticed, this time i don't really feel like working out my demons by making a few people laugh. Because the weird thing about the website is that although i know at one point it was somewhat popular and people would read it all the time and tell me that they read it, and i'd see the stats that proved that people enjoyed viewing my work, or at least viewed it anyway, although i know all of that, i don't get to hear the laughter if there is any. And that's not necessarily a huge problem, i'd be really weirded out if people start coming up to me now and quote my stupidity at me and laugh. But, also, sometimes, i don't feel like just being a "humor" writer. I wrote a serious story for my writing class and i was somewhat proud of it, but the teacher didn't like it mostly because she didn't have anything to really laugh about except one joke i threw in there because i can't make a piece be completely serious even if it is about a suicide attempt. Sometimes, i want to write serious stuff, but that's all so personal that i don't share it with people, even the people it's written for or to. So the only crap i can write now seems to be one of my (not famous at all) 15-20 page marathon letters. And i don't even want to think about it, let alone begin to write. It's one of those undertakings that i can tell will begin and never end, and i won't even feel that much better afterwards. Because i have to bury it all down so deep inside that i don't remember anymore why i feel the way i do. And Travis is gonna read that now and think that i need to talk about something because Travis is like me, he worries about his friends, and i'm not saying that other people don't worry about people... But it's cool anyone who feels like they need to reach out to me and find out why i'm so depressed is going to come up empty handed because maybe i like to talk sometimes when stuff is pissing me off but i'm so ridiculously frustrated that i can't even wrap my head around it all. i had to write an essay once on why i write... this is pretty much an essay about why i don't want to write so far. Does anyone know if an ulcer can make you throw up blood? I hope so, because what's the point otherwise? And man, i hope that when my entire body becomes a giant ulcer and i start to puke blood, i hope that people are around to see it because that would scare the shit out of anyone. So i lost my sunglasses... yup... and you wanna know why that sucks? It sucks because my not sleeping is catching up with me and when i go out in the morning, the bags under my eyes prevent me from opening my eyes all the way. How ridiculous is that? Also, my eyes are bloodshot and they burn... my eyes BURN! And because i can't open of close my eyes right, or get any sleep i get these massive headaches. And i'll tell you, there's nothing worse than stepping out of your house to 70 degree weather, weather that makes you wanna stroll on some meadow somewhere and kiss bunny rabbits... there's nothing worse than seeing that weather and thinking to yourself "it's going to be a long day." Because i've been starting every day feeling like i'm hung-over, and it's like i'm being gyped, because i'm not going to a cool party the night before that should leave me feeling like that. But i ask you, what's the point of losing your mind from lack of sleep and depression, and getting sweet sweet bloodshot eyes, if no one can see them? What's the point of them being bloodshot? Of course, then you come to the problem of being crazy vs. looking crazy. And believe you me, there's plenty of times when you don't want to tip people off. Of course, I think that any way I act, people are going to be suspicious of me. They already think/know that i'm unhinged and if i suddenly act "normal" that would also send up flags. So you tell me, how am i supposed to become a serial killer? But about the eyes, I'm being semi-serious here. The bags under my eyes are getting worse and worse and day by day they're a little more closed. And i think that I'm going to hit a point in about a week where i'm not going to be able to see anything anymore because I'm going to be unable to open my eyes. And hopefully, i won't look like PJ when he got his gonnorea of the eye (poison oak) and they were swollen shut, it'll be a little more subtle. I'll look like a puppy that's just been born and can't open it's eyes yet. And girls will tell me that I'm so cute, i remind them of a puppy and they can't believe how cute i am, and how sweet i am and how lucky they are to have found a guy like me to be friends with. And, I've been an insomniac for about as long as I remember, but it usually doesn't get this bad. But i've never had to deal with bloodshot eyes. My eye lids are starting to twitch all the time now, and while that is kinda cool and very creepy if it's as noticible to other people as i hope it is. But they actually hurt and i can't open them... i can't... open... them.... Sure I'll be able to scare people when i go blind... you know, walk in front of cars and fall down screaming and stuff like that. But i don't want to scare people like that. That way, they're more afraid of themselves and their ability to harm or inability to help a blind man(child). People can't look at you and know that you're blind. They can assume of course, mainly because no one would be depraved enough to buy a fake "blind person cane" but there also isn't anything inherently frightening about blind people. Face it, if i scare someone, they just have to quietly walk away from me (which is often the case now), I'm not going to be able to chase them. Unless of course, they smell really bad, in which case, my super sensitive blind person nose won't be able to handle it anyway. Wild bloodshot eyes is definitly the way to go here. |
| Going Blind april 11, 2002 |