Dawn (a.k.a. Yankeegirl)

 

The days seem endless
I count the hours into mere seconds
Life as I once knew it, is beyond
my reach. Though, I continue to
dream.

The smile that once greeted me
in the morning hours, has formed
a constant frown. We were as one,
now just two lost souls drifting.

The love you freely gave,
I wonder now if it was ever
truly real. Hopes I once shared
are no longer joined with yours.

The time went ever so quickly,
I wanted to capture every
second. Yet, they vanished
and in the dust..
mere particles are seen
with nowhere to form
again.

The heart that beat so
rapidly, like an excited
child..
now beats slower, saddened
by such loss that was cruely
taken away.

 

While you sleep

I watch you as you sleep,
so restlessly, tossing and turning
The memories you must feel deep within
hold you so tightly in their vise.
I try to soothe away your pain,
so I hold you close, tracing your
tight body with my fingers and lips.
Desparately, hoping to awaken you
slowly and have you feel my warmth
envelope you, taking your soul to
wonderous heights. I want to take away
the demons that keep you bawled up so tightly
like a child. Wanting only to bring you shelter
within my arms, your safe place you can run to
and hold onto, in moments of fear and darkness.
As the morning comes slowly towards us,
you reach over to stroke my hair, I feel your
need in that one lite touch, I sense your
desire through your hands. As you pull me
closer, I know the demons are hidden for now,
and you are able to let me in. You are safe, my love,
let me be your shelter.

 

Would you know if I was gone,
the dishes in the sink would
still be there. My scent would
no longer linger in the air.
Would you wish my presence
was still felt so closely,
or would it be just another
day to you.
Would you think back to
all the bad things you had
said, realizing you helped
to destroy what once was.
Would you look at your life
in a different light,
feeling the deep anger
within your soul rage.
Would you hurt or ache,
knowing I wouldn’t be
around to look at or touch.
Maybe the solitude would
give you the peace you
need to move on.

 

You look at me in earnest devotion
wanting only to please my every
desire.
You know nothing of the pain
within my soul, for I won’t let
you close enough to feel it.
You’re trying so hard, to
be close to me one day,
to have me look upon you
with affection and happiness.
I cannot give you this,
for the pain is so fresh and raw,
it still cuts me like a knife
each morning when I wake.
I may push you further away
than you care to admit, feeling
the pain that harbors my soul
attach your presence.
You understand all too well,
what my soul keeps well hidden,
the chains that bound me grip
tightly their firm hold.
You are innocent in all of this,
I’m afraid and will be for a
lifetime. To give my heart
and have my soul pierced
once again, is a gift I
won’t bestow to you
or anyone before me.

 

I look to you for warmth, a burning desire
to hold you. Just to feel that smoldering
heat once again.
I hold deep within words that are buried
Deeply, covered under shame and anger
I want to break loose the chains that bound.
I hope one day to look at another
Forgetting the memories that haunt
so vividly they hold me prisoner.
I won’t stay nor will I look back
No smiles will bring me close again
I’ve been gone for a long time
Just existing in pretense, waiting
For the right moment to flee.
I will be wrong in your eyes,
I know, no words will heal
the pain and hurt that manifest
my soul.

 

There is no way I would’ve known,
given another try, whether blind
or freshly awaken. No signs
were given to alert my soul
to stop and hide far away.
All the passion, the chemistry,
the flowers and the heart endearing
words spoken swept me far, far
away to a place I’d never been.
My hear wasn’t ready to be tested
and twisted once again, my soul
that had remained aloof and
hidden wasn’t prepared for the
earth-shattering awakening you
brought to me.
There are no words to speak,
no kisses to exchange, no
hugs to warm the soul
which now is battered
and broken.
Time will heal they say,
yet no warmth can reach
deeply enough to my soul
that lies shattered, unwilling
to give another chance for
to encounter a soulmate.

 

Your touch holds power within
Your love brings the best out
I’m alive with you in every sense.

Your voice sends chills
Your hands make me quiver
I’m alive with you at my side.

Your eyes see deep within
Your body brings ecstasy
I’m alive in everyway.

Your mouth brings me fire
Your life is a shadow of mine
I’m alive more than I ever have been.

 

Can you remember the last time I walked away
and you told me I looked beautiful today,
that I would light up any room I walked in.
Can you recall the moment when you first
laid eyes on me, feeling the emotions
deep within as you had never felt them before.
Can you take away what was already given
so freely, each passionate kiss, each loving
touch, each tender word of endearment.
Could you just once take me for who I
really am and treat me as such that you
know I deserve to be treated.
Would you take this chance, this last
attempt at saving your soul on a cold,
winter day and walk beside me in
the freezing rain as our tears lay
frozen upon our skin.

 

When we looked into each other’s eyes, the whole world around us ceased to exit..only you and I mattered, our thoughts, our souls, our hearts all blended so well, fitting together so easily. It was beautiful once, wasn’t it?
Our laughter would ring out through the rooms, as we had playful pillow fights, picnics on the floor, and playful teasing. Your touch ignited a fire within my soul, knowing your body would meet and touch mine intimately very soon. It was something beautiful once, don’t you agree?
Remembering peaceful mornings, as I would awaken slowly to find you gazing so intently and full of love at me, trying to memorize each feature in your memory. I enjoyed laying there closely snuggled next to you, as your hands would litely trace parts of my body only you were able to touch. Do you remember how beautiful it once was?
souls meeting instantly as if they’d only been lost for a short time and had been searching for it’s partner endlessly. You are my soul’s twin, you mirror my love, my respect and my happiness. Our souls’ matched beautifully once, didn’t they?
You gave me a reason to smile again, to hold my head up and walk again with the grace of a woman desired and cherished. You asked for my hopes and dreams and of childhood memories, wondering truly, where had I been, where had I come from. These are always something beautiful to remember, not just once..but always, my love.

 

The days were dark and dreary, whether the sun was shining or not
I never really paid attention to the weather as the it was always raining
and dark in my home. I would hide in closets or pull the covers up above
my head, just to hide from the angry words, the smell and the everyday
awareness of knowing my life wasn’t normal as a child.
The dark bottles you so often drank heavily each day would pour into your
body as the tears would pour from my soul. How I wanted to know you,
how I wanted to feel you hug me just one time with true warmth. The days
seemed to go by so slowly yet in reality time had slipped away ever so quickly.
The years had flown by, I never realized what I had missed as a child.
I had missed knowing what it was like to have a father there each day
to talk with, to hug, to love in the fullest sense. The disease had taken its’
toll on your body along with our lives.
The sun shined brightly through the windows of your room as the many years of drinking had ripped your soul of its’ warm memories. You spoke of
regret, pain and trouble that you had caused. You remembered, yet all through the years you never spoke a word of it.
I sat and watched you wither away in front of my eyes, feeling numb. The tears began to flow again, this time in a different sense. I was bestowed a treasure too large to wrap or put a price to. Given back to me for a few mere
moments, the man beneath the drinking, the warmth of a real father, the love that I had always dreamed of sharing. You gave closure with those memories
that I will treasure eternally. The bottle had taken your body, yet the man beneath the disease had surfaced to show his mercy and grace. My smile was bittersweet as I was surrounded by your arms, your warmth and your undying  love. I was given some of what had been taken from me for so many dark years. I was to know my beloved father, the dear and gentle man beneath the surface.

 

She looks in the mirror wondering where the time had went
remembering days gone by, younger years that she had smiled
She realized as she looked deeper still,how very much the years had meant
reminiscing through many heart-felt memories, she again was a child.

She brushed her hair over and over again,
wishing the younger years had left her without the age
She had been loved fully,she knew when
agonizing many through many years,now gone was the rage.

She took a deep breath, realizing there wouldn’t be many more
hoping she could hold on for awhile
What she had given for so long, the emotions reached deep within her core
though it would take longer,she would walk the mile.

She remembered the children, the marriages and the love
remembering the intensity of it all
Calling her soon, was the man from above
he would hold her hand and take her over the wall.

She imagined the regret and the sadness that would be felt
taking her face in her hands, she smiled she had lived long
The deep love she had felt in her life would always make her melt
the ups and downs had been there, it wasn’t all wrong.

 

Mom

She walked through my life with a smile,
A smile broader than any ocean was wide. We walked
Side by side through ages of triumphs and disappointments.
Through it all, her smile never wavered, never disapproved.
I could see it within the dark, scary nights as I can still see it
Within the clouds that follow me wherever I go.
She walked through my life with pride, showing it’s gleam even
Through the darkest moments of sadness and fear. She walked with me,
Teaching me to hold my head up no matter whom tried to push it towards
The ground in defeat and sorrow.
She walked through my life with unconditional love, always making
sure I felt the brightness of it shine within, no matter what the outside
world threw along my path. She took my hand and held it tightly, while I grew and made decisions that would change my days to come.
She walked through my life ever so quickly, all the while I was
Thinking she would be there at my side forever. We walked in silence
upon the soiled ground, our last walk together in the rain, as she
wiped the raindrops from my face.
She walked through my life as an angel, giving all and taking
nothing in return. We still walk together; her power is still as
bright, while her soul is resting in another place. She still takes my
hand lightly, as I walk holding my head up, while the rain runs down
my face.
by Dawn aka Yankeegirl
Dedicated to my Mother, my best friend..who passed away 12/95.

 

You helped to bring me into this world, giving me a name
and a home that brought me stability. I grew without
knowing who you really were. Biologically you were
my father, yet in the real sense of the word the closeness
of that relationship was foreign to me. I tried to please you,
getting good grades in school. Praise and love was what I
needed to hear from you.
You lead a life away from the family, always sheltered
under the neon lights. Your body consumed so much
alcohol, creating even more distance between us. I
wanted just to smell fresh cologne as opposed to the
stench of beer or whiskey upon your breath.
You gave with money, that was your way to show love.
It was the only way you knew, as your past hadn’t given
you much to grow on. I wish I could’ve helped you in
someway
You merely touched my arm, yet your eyes with tears flowing
so freely touched deep within my soul. The words that were
spoken will be ones I treasure eternally. If I had only known
the amount of love that you held locked up inside a battered
soul.
by Dawn aka Yankeegirl
Dedicated to my father,may he rest in peace..3/95.

 

Mom,
Can I still call you that now that you are no longer here with me on
this earth? Have you changed since you went to another level, another
state of being? Do you still wake up in the mornings, waiting for my
call to come? Do you remember the warmth of our hugs, as we had so
freely given each other through out the many years?
I want to shout the name "Mom" so loud at the top of any mountain
so the whole universe can hear it. I want to be able to hug you again
and feel that unconditional warmth that was always there. I want to see
you as you are now, able to breathe so freely without any restraint.
I want to pick up the phone and call you each morning as I always did
for so many years, chatting away the hours about nothing, about everything.
Can you feel me at all even though I’m so far away from you? Do you miss me as I miss you each and everyday? Would you treat me with the joy
and the warmth, showering me with the unconditional love that I had grown
so accustomed to? Did I only come to take for granted all the love you had
to give? Did I show you how very much I loved you, heart and soul?
I wish you could answer me and I could truly hear your loving voice
once again. I want to hear you tell me you love me just one more time.
I want to share so much more with you each day that I can’t and it
doesn’t feel the same. The void is large mom, I can’t fill it with anything
or anyone else. Will you wait for me one day, so that we can talk again,
hug again and feel the closeness we had through the years? I am
waiting for the day mom, I hope you know. Your love is forever within
my soul, I carry it around with me wherever I go. Your spirit follows me
and helps to give me strength in the darkened moments when I am afraid
and unsure of myself. Mom, how I wish you were here. Mom, is it still
alright to call you that? 

 

I have felt your presence
around me when others
never know of the existence.
I know you are with me
when the deep fears arise.
I wish I could touch you,
feel the warmth of your hand
just once to reassure me.
I wonder if you have
finally found the peace
you needed to go on.
I will see you again someday,
what a reunion that will be.
I miss your hugs and your
presence in my life everyday.
I love you my best friend,
my dear mother forever.