It only seemed like yesterday
when I was 6 years old
With my parents and my brother
living in a perfect world ~
The days when life was simple
with no responsibilities
When nothing changed, just stayed the same;
it'd been that way for me.

From primary into High School
was when I began to see
That I didn't like the idea of change,
and I didn't want to be 15!
I wanted to go back to simple
the way things had always been
But to be grown-up without getting "old"
and never having to be 15!

At 17 I began working
with Solicitors in the City
In the Attorney General's department,
this new life kept me busy ~
There I met a man
who offered promises of love
He made me feel I was special
and that he was all I had dreamed of.

But his motives became a shock to me
for I was naive and innocent
He "worked" on all the young girls
as I was soon to learn ~
As I was comforted in the arms
of my new boyfriend
Who stood by me as I saw to it
he would not do this again.

Then in September of 1990
my beloved grandmother passed away
And I hadn't gotten to see her
just the other day ~
I didn't get to tell her
how much she meant to me
And how I will always love her
for all eternity.

My grief took me drifting
into years of guilt
Trying to forget
all the pain and loss I felt ~
So I moved to another place
to begin life anew
Wishing I never felt the pain
that I was going through.

I met lots of new people
three who became close friends
Two who were the closest
while the other, my boyfriend ~
But in my quest for escape
I found something I didn't like
My sadistic, abusive boyfriend
whose words cut me like a knife!

After many months of abuse
opportunity knocked at my door
Giving me a path to escape
so he couldn't hurt me anymore ~
But another four months later
when he was still a friend
He came to visit me one night
and then he hurt me again.

Fragmented memories are a blur
but I remembered pain
After that ultimate betrayal
I knew I'd never be the same ~
I told my closest best friend
who felt an element of hate
Our friend who had betrayed us
how could he compensate?

Because of what had happened
I lost the first real love I had
He couldn't live with the change
that had made me depressed and sad ~
How my life took a different path
just 18 months after the day
For I was still grieving for
my gran who had passed away.

My life seemed to spiral downward
and after another year
I came back home to heal
and wash away my tears ~
Then straight into the arms
of a old teenage crush
And soon I was planning our wedding
as I continued to rush.

In January of 1995
I was a blushing bride
So happy to be married to
the man I love by my side ~
I had met him when I was 16
and thought it was love at first sight
But there were many different others
before we finally "got it right"!

But the honeymoon ended all too soon
and I was shocked to find
That the man I loved and married
had thoughts in his mind
That I was being unfaithful
luring men into our bed
So I needed to be punished
with kicks and punches in the head!

All I wanted was to be loved
and I thought that he loved me
That he'd honour and protect
and always cherish me ~
It took me five times leaving
and two psychiatric wards
Before I walked out of his life,
and left him for good.

He made various threats to my life
and said the mafia was onto me
And though I never showed him
he scared the hell out of me ~
Eight months after leaving him
I packed my bags again
And set off to another place
to start my life again.

My divorce was final in '97
and I had met another man
And in May of 1998
we joined our wedded hands ~
But there were still more obstacles
that we were yet to find
And when we tried to have children
we were told we still had time.

But it had always been my dream
to be married young
And have my children early
so I could enjoy them later on ~
But it seems it wasn't meant to be
as we tried and tried
Visits to hospitals and clinics
luck wasn't on our side.

Then in the midst of treatments
a new challenge lay ahead
My husband had received the news
that his former wife was dead ~
And so began the attempts
to his parental rights
To see the children he'd been denied
it's become an endless fight.

Then as the end of 2001
began to get very near
And knowing that my 30th
was at the end of the year ~
I began to look back over my life
to see what I had done
And saw nothing but a tangled mess
that should never have begun.

What have I really achieved
in my thirty years?
And what have I done that hasn't
brought a lot of grief and tears?
What have I done with my life
all that I had dreamed of?
What happened to all the girlish dreams
of marriage, kids and love?

So as my 30th approached
and I reflected over my life
I saw that all I had achieved
was I had been a battered wife ~
And that my life had seen a lot
of disappointment and pain
So I made a choice make changes
and start to heal again.

God brought me back to church again
when I had left those years ago
To help me find fulfilment
and that I'll come to know ~
To open up my heart again,
to seek and I will find
The love that I'd been searching for
His comfort, peace of mind.

As December 2001 began
I continued to reflect
I thought about the choices I'd made
and all of my regrets ~
If I could have done things differently
what would I have changed?
Would it have made a difference,
or would things have been the same?

My parents arrived for Christmas
and my 30th birthday
Laden with their gifts of love
to celebrate my special day ~
But shadowed by the bushfires
burning near their home
They still managed to give me the best
of the love they've always shown.

They went home early this morning
after bringing me birthday cheer
Knowing that they'll do it again
same time again next year ~
But this year it was special
for it was my 30th birthday
And nothing will ever be the same
as the love I got that day.

Looking back again once more
over 30 years of my life
I can now see that what I am
is a faithful loving wife ~
And as I reflect in happiness
of what I've grown to be
Yesterday I turned 30 ~
happy birthday to me!

©  Christina
1st January, 2002

"My birthday is on New Year's Eve.  Wait!  Before you say what a cool way to party and so forth....stop and think just what you'd miss out on if your birthday was New Year's Eve.   No birthday party ON your birthday because everyone is out celebrating New Year's Eve!   You miss out on decent birthday presents because everyone is all spent-out after Christmas, or you get one present for BOTH Christmas and your birthday.    You can never really celebrate your birthday  by going out for a quiet dinner because the restaurant is either closed on New Year's Eve or all booked out for parties that are having their own New Year's Eve celebrations.   You may think it is great, but try having your birthday then.   My birthday is NEVER my own ~ I share it with billions and billions of other people celebrating New Year's Eve!  And this year was a double whammy as I turned 30!    All the things I wanted to do by the time I was 30  I hadn't done, so it was a crisis time for me.   This poem is a reflection of my life as I turn 30....all my hopes and dreams and regrets.  Maybe now my life will begin."