I had a whole beautiful monologe all ready to type up... It was gonna be a good one too. Then I had a MASSSIVE brain fart and I lost it all.
I R sad Now :(
Dark Giant
This summer, I noticed something very odd. I went to Tulsa to work between semesters at college, and I do belive I have discovered something that I never knew before. Before I went to work, life was an emotional roller coaster. Highs and lows, depression and euphoria, all in a paradoxial maelstrom of emotion that defines who I am. But, when I went off to work, that came to an end. It wasn't that it died down, it was that it ceased. I was almost emotionless for two and a half months. All I did was get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repete ad infinitum, ad nauseum. I was a robot, without any creative spark at all. There was no fire burning within me, no passion for anything.
It scared the living hell out of me.
Is this what I am destined to become? A 9-5 wage slave, punching the clock day in and day out? I pray to whatever deities exist that such a thing is not to be. I'll suffer pain a hundred times worse that I ever have before if that's what it takes to keep from becoming like that again. I cared about nothing except pleasing my superiors. NOTHING! (don't get me wrong, I liked my boss, and still do) If that is being a resposible citizen and a productive member of society, then fuck society. I will not cooperate with a system that leeches the very core of my being out in an acidic bath of repitition and drugery. Find someone else to work on your sociological assembly lines. I'll not be a part of it.
The two guys back from basic are considered attractive by most females they meet. This becomes aparent as the night passes on. No biggie. I'm used to being the ugly duckling. MY other freind has naturally gray hair, but he's in his early 20's. This is apparently a point of fascination for some women. It was a weeknight, pretty slow at the place, and we knew a couple of the girls, so everyone was sitting around a table smoking and talking. In a table with 9 people at it,(4 guys, 5 girls) I am talking to no one. I break in on a few conversations, but I'm back out again just as fast. No prob. this doesn't cheer me up, but it's happened before.
Then the emotional slap in the face. Every one of the other guys has gotten a table dance by now, and they are urging me to get one. I decline, but they keep up. Doesn't sound like a problem? Well, you see, I'm a virgin. Actually, I'm worse than a virgin. I've never kissed a girl, let alone had sex. (yes, I am almost 21 years old) The thought of paying for a girl I barely know to rub her tits in my face depresses the hell out of me. I can't get any, so I have to pay for it. Yeah, real ego booster there, yup, yup, yup. This has been bothering me for a week now. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I too tall, too short, too fat, too smart, too stupid, too ugly, what?!!? Why must I hold back the tears every time I go into public and someone aviods talking to me because i'm ugly, or just looks at me and smirks? Why can't I believe it when people tell me I'm not ugly? Why must I think they are humoring me? Is there anything besides pain out there?
-- Dark Giant
Think about it.
--Dark Giant
(all of these points are generalizations that cover all women. If you are not one of these shallow, pop culture, "i wanna be like the crowd" females, I apologize and the following lines do not pertain to you, an would like to ask if you need a boyfriend. ;-P)
1. Women like stupid guys. Most "attractive" guys are usually of normal to low intelligence. when was the last time you heard a girl say that she wanted to go out with anything but a smart guy? How many women say " I like morons!" ??? Few to none. And how many nerds get dates (ever)? Once again, few to none.
2. Women like guys that treat them like shit. I don't have any clue why, and I don't understand it at all, but girls love guys that do something special once in a blue moon and treat them like crap the rest of the time. This is disturbing. I can't bring myself to act like that. My loss, I guess.
3. Looks sure as hell DO matter. I'm sorry, but most of the women I've met are the shallowest creatures alive. "looks don't matter if they are..." (insert bullshit of your choice here) Uhhhhhh... yeah right. You notice that all those idiots that get dates are also considered attractive? Hmmmmmmm.......what have we here, could they be basing their assesment of a person on the outward appearance instead of the inside which we all know is more important? Nooooooo....couldn't be!)
I stood up in my speech class a while ago and asked this question. "Ok, I've heard all of the girls in here say 'we like nice guys, yadda, yadda, yadda, but there's one thing I don't get..... *pause for dramatic effect* WHY DO YOU DATE ASSHOLES???" Of course everyone though that that was funnny, but no one could answer the question. I think I understand it now, though. What women really want are low-grade morons for mates. Damn the luck. Oh, well, maybe I'll be able to find a girl as out of the norm as I am and we'll pair off. Probably not, but a guy can dream, can't he?
Next topic: Preps! What the hell is up with the prep culture? What is so cool about being just like that guy next to you, wearing your abercrombie and your tommy clothes? "Lets all be the same and use the word 'like' in place of commas, pronouns and adverbs. We can also pretend to me morally upright and holy little people but then get so drunk that we can't walk straight and fuck like wild weasels on the weekends. And all the time condemning everyone else who does that as well." That's not the worst part. The worst is the music! My god, how can you listen to that pre-digested lip-synched bullshit? Most of those groups don't write their own music or lyrics, and don't give a shit about what they're singing. They are there for the fame and the money, that's it. (Not all pop bands are like this, but most are) I refuse to listen most mainstream music on principals alone. Music is something you pour you soul into, something that your hopes and fears, your happieness and anger, and every other thing about you is manifested in. It's NOT a tool to make money, although, sadly, it is being used as such increasingly these days. I can talk about this because I am a musican. (albiet amature) I know what it means to pour your soul into something. It's the closest thing to a spiritual experiance I've ever had.
Next: Love. Ahh, the eternal topic it is so hard to get men to open up about. What exactly is love? I truly don't think I know. I've been hurt so many times its not even funny, and once that I'll probably never recover from. When you tell someone you love them, and mean it, and they laugh in your face It tends to leave wounds that don't heal. I swore an oath to myself that day that I would never tell a person I loved them, and mean it, unless I was ready and willing to spend the rest of my life with them. I have not said "I love you" in 4 years. Love has been a battle for me. When I tell someone I like them, they are immediatly repulsed for some reason. Am I that ugly? What is it about me that is so repulsive? A mystery for which I can find no answer has been layed out before me. I frequently put it away, I hide it where it won't intrude on my fragile facade that I try to make myself belive. But it always comes back. It always smashes the veil that I draw over my eyes, ripping away the deception, laying bare the truth which is an agony to behold. Have you ever feld the pain that one feels when they think that they are unlovable? Have you ever heard the scream of a soul as it vents it rage and sorrow that love to it is denied? I live with these things. Every day, every hour, every minute has the potential to be a torment to my psyche. Every second can be a hell.
But life goes on around me. And no one else cares.
