Summer
Movies 2000 (Part 4)
(07/13/00)
I could rightfully subtitle this column
"Movies I Used To Think I Wouldn't Touch With A Ten-Foot Pole But Somehow
Ended Up Seeing Anyway," but that's not very catchy, so I'll spare you the
verbosity and launch right into the reviews.
This past weekend I was one of those people
who helped "The Perfect Storm" nab the Fourth-of-July-weekend
box-office crown. Dozens of critics have raved about "The Perfect
Storm"'s astonishing special effects and in-depth character development,
and they're right. The giant waves are impressive (but not the best I've ever
seen), and it was great that the writers remembered that real people were
involved in the drama at sea and dealt with their feelings and their families
as well as their super-cool action sequences. But although it clocks in at only
two hours, it feels far too long. Don't get me wrong, the action on the fishing
vessel "Andrea Gail" moves right along, but director Wolfgang
Petersen throws in subplots on a tiny sailboat and a Coast Guard rescue
helicopter that seem to have nothing to do with the main story and, frankly,
are not that interesting. The dialogue is rife with clunky, painful lines, the
worst of which are delivered by a meteorologist: "It would be a
catastrophe of epic proportions. It would be...THE PERFECT STORM." (As my
friend Eric would say, dum-dum-dum...dramatic reverb.) And I think Hollywood
pretty boys George Clooney and Marky Mark (sorry, just can't think of him as
Mark Wahlberg!) were horribly miscast as these rugged working-class-hero-type
fishermen. That, and the end is depressing as heck, which is not something I
look for in a summer movie. (Maybe that's a good thing?)
So now I think basically the same thing about
"The Perfect Storm" that I did before I saw it, which is a resounding
"shrug." But if you see it, do so in the theatre; those waves will
lose something on the small screen, and I think they're the best reason to lay
your money down. The Verdict: You could do worse this summer. 3 out of 5.
I also broke down and saw that other big
action movie from Independence Day weekend, "Braveheart In Pants," I
mean "The Patriot." This one surprised even me since I've been
making fun of it since I saw the first previews. (And I still am. I mean, a
German directing a bunch of Australians in a movie about the American
revolution? Come on.)
Methinks the specter of
"Braveheart" does indeed hang a little too heavily over "The
Patriot;" although Mel's character is somewhat more developed this time
around, their plots are virtually the same (courageous hunk out for vengeance
singlehandedly wins a war against the English), and there are shots in the
final battle that seem to be lifted directly from its predecessor. It also
suffers from many of the same problems as "Braveheart," namely
extreme repetition and an excess of utterly gratuitous gore. But
"Braveheart" was saved by its realism and epic scale (and a little
male nudity to break up the brutality), and nothing can save "The
Patriot."
Perhaps a plot summary will demonstrate the
main problem with "The Patriot": Something awful happens to Mel
Gibson's family, and he says, "Wow, this sucks. I'll never fight again."
Then some Revolutionary War guy tells him he's being a coward and has to
protect his country to save his family. Then Mel says, "Wow, I've learned
the true meaning of patriotism. Let's go bust some heads." Then there's a
very gory battle. Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum. And man, does it get boring
after the second or third time. (Oh, and did the exciting conclusion remind
anyone else of the "Simpsons" episode where Mel Gibson and Homer turn
"Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" into a bloodbath? He uses an American
flag much the same way in both; when I realized this I spent the last 15
minutes of the movie giggling uncontrollably.)
Okay, there's a few good things about
"The Patriot." Mel Gibson, as always, turns in a fine performance as
Benjamin Martin (although I wish the writers had delved a little more into the
dark, violent side of Martin--oops, I forgot this is a summer blockbuster, God
forbid it should involve real people). A few of the early battles are truly
striking before they degenerate into gratuitous gore, and there's a terrific,
funny scene in which the rebels trick the British into releasing prisoners. But
for most of the interminable (2 hours, 45 minutes) running time of this movie,
I was looking at my watch and wishing I'd just gone to see
"Gladiator" for the fourth time instead. The Verdict: Take off
your pants, Mel! And quit repeating yourself. 2 out of 5.
Also, I finally made it to "Road
Trip," the movie that all the jocks and cheerleaders at my high school
were raving about around graduation. These are the same people that chortled at
"The Cable Guy" and yawned at "Airplane!", so I don't take
them too seriously. Still, it wasn't bad.
"Road Trip" is the tale of four
college guys on, well, a road trip to retrieve a sex tape accidentally mailed
to one's beloved girlfriend. (Don't ask. Just laugh.) Like most of its
gross-out-comedy brethren, it's very uneven. More often than not the humor
falls flat on its face, such as the boys stealing a bus from a school for the
blind and a waiter who does nasty things to French toast. But when it's funny,
it's hilarious. All the best bits belong to MTV personality Tom Green, who as a
perma-student steals every scene he's in. In particular, an extended gag
involving a snake without an appetite (I still can't believe he put a live
mouse in his mouth!) had me on the floor.
This movie is short, goofy, and a decent
enough diversion for a summer afternoon. Still, it's not the comic masterpiece
Joe Quarterback and his friends made it out to be. I always wonder, have these
people ever seen "Young Frankenstein?" And would they continue
worshipping Adam Sandler if they had? The Verdict: Worth a giggle or two if
you've got money to burn. 2.5 out of 5.
But if you really want to be grossed
out, by all means go to "Scary Movie." The Wayans brothers'
send-up of horror movies stretches the boundaries of its "R" rating
until they scream with a torrent of body fluids and genitalia galore. (Half an
hour into it, when we had already seen three of the male variety, my friend
Amanda whispered to me, "This should be rated X!")
It's also a laugh riot, if you don't get
offended easily. Horror flicks like the "Scream" series, "I Know
What You Did Last Summer," and "The Blair Witch Project" take a
beating, with great results. But sneaky parodies of flicks like "The
Matrix" and "The Usual Suspects" show up too, and those are even
funnier because you're not expecting them. And yes, the endless grossness gets
wearying after awhile, but "Scary Movie" is still more consistently
funny than, say "Me, Myself, & Irene" or the previously mentioned
"Road Trip." The only problem is that the first fifteen minutes do
such a great job of slaying every horror-movie cliché that the rest of the
movie seems almost redundant. You don't hear me complaining, though! The
Verdict: You'll be laughing when you're not saying "Eww!" 3 out of 5.
Copyright (c) 2000 by Beth Kinderman. This is
my original work, so please respect it.
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