Freakish Love Stories
(02/11/01)
Ah,
Valentine’s Day. It’s that time of the year
when those of us fortunate enough to have Significant Others wine and dine them
as though romance were outlawed at any other time, and the rest of us sit at
home telling ourselves we won’t be bitter (but let’s face it, failing most of
the time). But this year, allow me to
suggest an alternative to melancholy and the overconsumption of chocolate: Sit
down, maybe grab a friend or two, and watch one of the following lovely,
romantic films. These are not
the so-called “romantic comedies” (most of which are neither) that you, my
dateless and desperate readers, are probably pretending don’t exist right about
now. These are “freakish love stories,”
if you will: portraits of bizarre and dysfunctional screen couples that go easy
on the sappiness and are almost guaranteed to warm the cockles of your cold,
black, single heart. (What can I say,
I’m a sucker for this kind of thing...)
First,
I have a fairly recent one for you: “Return To Me.” The happily married owner of a construction
company (David Duchovny, in a performance that makes me suspect he might not be
an android after all) loses his wife in a tragic car accident. A year later, he meets Grace (Minnie
Driver), a waitress at her family’s Irish-Italian restaurant who is recovering
from a heart transplant. Of course, the
waitress and the grieving widower fall for each other right away. But what neither of them knows is that Grace
was the recipient of the dead wife’s heart.
I know, I know. On paper, this
sounds like a cheesy heap of crap you’d want to avoid like the plague—but
amazingly enough, it’s not.
Director
Bonnie Hunt has achieved the near-impossible by making this sappy idea into a
very beautiful, very human film. It’s
mostly due to Hunt’s own performance as Grace’s best friend (there’s a scene
with the two women in the kitchen with Hunt’s character’s shirtless husband
that is nothing short of hilarious) and the show-stopping (heck, show-stealing)
antics of Grace’s extended family, played to perfection by Carroll O’Connor and
a host of others. I dare you to watch
this movie and not be reminded of your own relatives. After awhile, the plot doesn’t even matter so much to you
anymore; you’re so wrapped up in watching the day-to-day lives of these people
that nothing else really matters. Yes,
the story is nothing short of fantastic, and there are a few saccharine moments
that I could have done without. It’s
also a touching, romantic, and funny tale that everyone from senior citizens to
kids can enjoy. Watch it with your
family. You won’t be disappointed. The Verdict: Honest and believable, it
was one of 2000’s biggest surprises.
Trust me on this one. 4 out of
5.
For
science fiction fans, literature buffs, time travel geeks like me, and anyone
who lived through the ‘70s, I recommend “Time After Time.” The premise here is a lot of fun. Writer/director Nicholas Meyer (who would
later go on to rip off his own film for the inferior “Star Trek IV;” don’t ask
me why) posits that H.G. Wells (Malcolm McDowell, surprisingly cute) really
built his famous time machine, which was then hijacked by Jack the Ripper
(David Warner), who it seems was one of his drinking buddies. (It all makes sense in the movie,
really. Sort of.) Wells pursues Jack to 1979, partially out of
responsibility and partially out of scientific curiosity; he was expecting to
find a socialist utopia and found, well, disco. Along the way, he enlists the help of an independent, feminist
bank clerk (Mary Steenburgen) who provides that love interest I promised you
earlier. It all plays out in a twisting
and turning, occasionally hilarious, surprisingly romantic mishmash that
stretches credibility far beyond the breaking point but still manages to be a
lot of fun.
This
movie has firmly inserted itself into my top 5, largely on the strength of the well-written
and obviously well-researched script (anyone who could bring all these elements
together and not only have it all make sense, but also manage to say something
intelligent in the whole mess, deserves applause) and McDowell’s performance as
H.G. Wells. For the entire movie he has
this sense of wonder in his eyes, coupled with more than a little fear and
confusion, that makes him utterly believable and also made me just want to hug
him. Then again, I’m crazy, so maybe
you shouldn’t listen to me. The
Verdict: A great geek film. Watch in
the company of “Back To The Future” or “12 Monkeys.” 4.5 out of 5.
If
you’re anything like me, and you want to watch this movie with friends, you
have a problem. Namely, most of your
friends are male and wouldn’t sit through anything they deemed a “chick flick”
if their lives depended on it. If this
is your life, fool the boys by going for a truly freakish love story, “The
Professional.” The protagonist is
Leon (Jean Reno), a surprisingly moral hit man with an addiction to milk and a
special relationship with his houseplant.
(No, that’s not the freakish love story bit.) Of course, because he’s an assassin, there are plenty of
action-packed sequences to go around and to keep your male friends happy. All of those scenes are quite excellent, may
I add. Things get weird when Leon
befriends Mathilda (Natalie Portman, in her first film role ever), who has just
seen her entire family slaughtered over a drug deal by a corrupt cop (Gary
Oldman, doing his usual look-at-me-I’m-insane schtick, and providing what is
the only weak link in this movie). Mathilda
wants Leon to teach her the trade so she can get revenge. She’s also in love with him. She’s also 12 years old.
If
this sounds disturbing, it is, and it’s meant to be. Director Luc Besson (“The Fifth Element,” “La Femme Nikita”) is
not exactly known for shying away from over-the-top depictions of
anything. But believe you me, this is
anything but a pedophile’s wet dream. The
relationship between Leon and Mathilda is handled subtly, believably, and even
(God forbid) sweetly. Both actors do a
fine job, the directing is good, and the action sequences are truly
mind-blowing. Once again, it may not be
totally believable, but it sure is a lot of fun. The Verdict: One of the weirdest screen couples ever, but also
one of the best. 4 out of 5.
And
finallly, I give you a movie that has become one of my favorites for Valentine’s
Day, “The Fisher King.” The
story starts out following Jack (Jeff Bridges), a Howard-Stern-like shock radio
DJ whose star is rising in New York City.
Everything changes, though, when a listener who Jack ridiculed on air
almost every day goes berserk and starts gunning down couples at an exclusive
nightclub before committing suicide.
Three years later, Jack is living with his girlfriend (Mercedes Ruehl,
who won a well-deserved Oscar for this) above her video store, drinking
heavily, crippled by guilt and depression.
Until he meets Parry (Robin Williams), an endearingly crazy homeless man
who is searching for the Holy Grail and is secretly in love with a painfully
shy woman named Lydia (Amanda Plummer).
Parry believes Jack is the one meant to help him on his quests for the
Grail and Lydia. Jack refuses—that is,
until he learns that Parry entered his fantasy world after his wife died in the
very same nightclub massacre that Jack believes he caused. The result is a wildly romantic, hilarious,
and profoundly touching tale of love and redemption.
Director
Terry Gilliam (“12
Monkeys,” “Time Bandits”) has taken what could have become a sappy, “Pay It
Forward”-ish story and made it into a beautiful film and a work of art. There are too many great and memorable moments
in this movie to list: The scene where Parry enlists his friend the drag queen
to serenade Lydia at work. The strange,
hallucinatory violence of Jack wandering the streets by night. And especially, the breathtaking sequence
where Grand Central Station becomes an enormous ballroom where Parry pursues
the oblivious Lydia through an ocean of happy, dancing couples. Richard LaGravenese’s script is beyond superb,
and the acting is amazing. Normally I
can’t stand Robin Williams, but even I have to admit that this is easily his
best performance. This is number 4 on
my all-time top 10. The Verdict: I
laughed, I cried, I love this movie.
See it now. 4.5 out of 5.
If you were thinking that this column was just an elaborate excuse to gush about a few of my favorite movies, you were right. But the fact of the matter stands that these are some wondeful love stories that deserve to be seen by just about everyone, at Valentine’s Day or at any other time of the year. With the possible exception of “The Professional,” there aren’t many tragedies here, folks. I can almost guarantee you that if you pick one of these films up, not only will walk away feeling pretty good, you’ll be enlightened by the intelligent things they have to say. Isn’t that a viable alternative to bitterness?
Copyright (c) 2001 by Beth Kinderman. This is my original work, so please respect it.