Summer Mage Quotes

"You can get enough acne on your own. You don't need to buy it."

"Read my rotes, Rachel. I am a cursed item."

"Who punches cripples?"
"People from the Order of Hermes."

"Okay...now, I'm going to..."
"Curse him!"
"No, that comes in a bit."

"I'm not having a good day."
"I know what you mean. And then, I'm going to tell the story of how I became a paraplegic."

"We might need an ambulance for the South Vista Walking Pedestrian Mall."
"Hello, Department of Redundancy Department..."

"No! I'm nice! I just look down on most of the population."

"Gee, it sure is good to work for the Technocracy. Pass me some more of that Enlightened Science."

"So how do people find out about ninjas if no one knows about them?"
"Oral history."

"Santa's elves tote guns and run in shadows."

"Great wants you to wake up."
"I want Greta to want to not wake me up."

[After a few minutes of trying to get Oni's attention.]
"What do you want, anyway?"
"Um...I forgot."

"So you're flaming, and you're headed toward the fountain."
"Good thing my brakes don't work."

"Little do you know, but Speedy is the most flammable substance on Earth."

"Being maimed is so not Goth!"

"This flaming wheelchair was brought to you by Hot Topic."

"If you like that T-shirt, I have more with white lettering on it. Um...that wasn't much of a sentence."

"I'm developing a fear of paraplegics."

"What's your sign, little turtle?"

"Oh! An electric wheelchair. That would make things so much better."

"I'm going to take my cat around the mall and let people pet it."
"So he won't notice when you dip his tail in bleach?"

"I want to make it into a people pussy."

"I think you should name the cat Sphincter-Crusher."
"Hey, I like that. I'll call him Sphinx for short."

"I wonder what puking into a Node would do to it?"

"Hey, Johnny. What's with the mask?"
"You remember the accident. No one can ever know."

"Do you want to pet my python?"

"We are our own opposition."

"It's like a minefield with a Dairy Queen on it. You want it, but it's just not worth it."

"It's an invisible fence, only in reverse."
"So it's a visible fence?"

"He's a dire alligator. We grew up together. I ride him."

"If we had played last week, I'd have cancer by now."

"Yes, the mall is having a sidewalk sale this weekend."
"I buy a sidewalk!"
"It is now a toll sidewalk."

"I quick try to put my blood back in."

"Bite into a slim turd!"
"Oh Jesus."

"Hide me."
"Why? What have you done?"
"Nothing. Hide me."
"No, why?"
"Umm...woman."

"I look up."
"You don't see anything."
"Oh my God, somebody stole the sky! That bastard!"

"That's a great idea. I should start making porn videos. Would you mind being a star?"

"He's hiding something. He's really naked on top of his clothes."

"Yeah, I definitely wouldn't want to go in a software store. The fact that my legs don't work means that I don't know how to use a computer...you fucker."

"I didn't lie to you. I just concealed a certain truth."

"So you're grabbing his crotch?"
"Well...yes. From the back."

"We're wondering who here has the biggest sack..."

"So you're telling me that my bad luck is just my magic blinking?"
"Heh. All that Expression and nowhere to go."

"So everyone is in on the secret except for you. Not to make you paranoid or anything."

"I think the most vulgar thing you can possibly do is touching little kids' butts, Neil."

"Ooh! Another girl for me to stalk!"

"I realize that my contribution to this group has not been excessive as of yet..."

"What's your Life focus? Being annoying?"

"It glows! It glows like Node!"

"I think that this guy might be a team-killing fucktard."

"If you aren't wearing pants, you get lots of service."
"We're the pantsless cabal!"
"Best cabal ever!"

"Sometimes I wish you could give out Dark Side Points in every game."
"What's stopping you?"

"Water is in everything. Except for rocks and stuff."

"[Using a spray bottle of water as a focus] is a good way to train cats. Or mental patients."

[Jollee tries to do a Life scan, backlashes, and ends up seeing all the most disgusting things about everyone she looks at.]
"I look at Jasper."
"Noel, what's the most disgusting thing about Jasper?"
[immediately, with no pause for thought] "He has an anal rash."

"He blew me up numerous times, sent me away from his store, and then he groped me."
"He groped you?"
"He grabbed my butt."
"I see. And how did that make you feel?"

"Don't get too close to Neil." "He'll only break your heart."

"Neil is a one-person crowd."

"Eat this flower."
"But I don't have any saliva!"

"If you eat the rat that is your karmic twin, is that cannibalism or is that just gross?"

"I bet the Lovers card would show you just how Jasper got his anal rash."

"There is now a big, giant Neil ass in your face."
"It's a full moon tonight!"

"I refuse to go commando underneath my cloak."

"Dude, you guys would be attractive to rat pedophiles. All pink and hairless..."

"Okay. Before we leave, you should probably know that there is a distinct possibility that giant rats will attack while we're gone."

"Great. Our torchbearer is afraid of the dark."

"After a number of more feet of walking..."

"No living vicariously through rats, Noel."

"I look at the alien and say, 'Brow week win wam winny wamp.'"
"Try writing that one down."

"He left a little trail of rodent droppings all the way to the front door."

"Tonight, I learned that magic is a suck. I also know why old people are so cranky."

"So, Griselda, are your parents muggles or wizards?"
"Oh God..."

"Speedy, you have stomach cancer. My awesomeness can tell."

"I'm standing in a puddle of my own pee in front of Hot Topic."

(in reference to a heat-seeking missle chasing down a broom) "It's an American Quaffle!"

"I'm a very nice person. I'm not a pedophile. Please come with me now."

"These kids today. You can't stick anything to their asses without them noticing it."

"I'm running back to Hot Topic, thanking God for the aliens."

"My question is, if you mark him with the pornographic Tarot cards, will the card involve you, the alien, and Penelope doing some obscene act?"
"That's what I was thinking."
"Ooh...anal probes. I'm glad I'm not Jasper."

"He's not an enemy. He's like the Oracle."
"The Oracle was a program too."

"Excuse me, do you have any reality?"

"So circular reasoning is like eating your own poo? Thank you, Noel."

"Hunters are a human manifestation of Paradox."

"A naked burning man was killed in a fountain today..."

"Oni, what did that 'whoa' mean?"
"Biggest damn dinosaur foot I ever saw!"

"So what seems to be the problem?"
"I think I have stomach cancer."
"What kinds of symptoms do you have?"
"Stomach cancer."

"Being asleep really puts you out of the loop."

"Once you go ape, you never go back!"

(to the tune of Monkey vs. Robot) "Lightsaber versus stomach acid!"

Characters:

Comte, a clinically insane Orphan who survives by projecting his derangements onto others. Played by Iain.
Greta, a Euthanatos who manages the local Hot Topic. Played by Rachel.
Johnny, a horrifically maimed and inept Orphan who just wants to be a hero. Dead. Played by Paul.
Jollee Mae, an Everglades hick Verbena who sells flowers from a cart in the mall. Played by Nikki.
Jasper McQuarrie, an Orphan tarot card reader with an...interesting backstory. Played by Noel.
Neil, an Order of Hermes nerd who manages the local science shop. Played by Eric.
Oni, a Cultist of Ecstasy who believes that humanity has been trapped by the Matrix. Played by Marco.
Speedy, a wheelchair-bound Orphan who draws his power from his amazingly bad luck. Played by Jake.
ST: Beth.

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