Firefly Quotes

Season 1: Jaya

"She's fairly tall."
"She's 11 feet tall."

"What do you do?"
[the tax collector says] "Um, resource reallocation."

"Elder Smith of the Space Mormon Church?"
"And who's she - Elder Anderson?"

"Captain. The Cat's got a tick."

"I'm going to be as difficult to hold as possible."
"I secrete oil from all over my body."

"Do we have some device that converts any organic material into edible food?"
"Yeah. It's called a stove."

"He's still holding Siqin over his shoulder and is kind of trying to use you as cover."
"He's using religion as a shield."

"You're the doctor, you know what's goin' on."
"I take off my pants."

"Look what the cat dragged in."
"Oh my god...I go find my cat!"

"Between the two of us, we have a full set of clothes."

"I'm a fair hand with a gun."
"My window says otherwise."

"These mercs said that these space Mormons - I mean these Mormons. I'm not going to call them Space Mormons in character. That'd just be ridiculous."

"I can see you with the guns and them with the rolling on the floor tied up, the captain might be seeing their side of things."

(singing) "Take one down. Pass it around. 249 bottles of wine on the wall."

"He's a gynecologist undertaker. He puts vaginas in the ground."

"And if you ain't lookin' to go no place in particular we can go there too."

"Group shower. Woo!"
"With your brother."

"How do men with no arms pee?"

"Who would want to know a detail like that?"
"Someone who was writing about Iraq vets?"
"Or someone who was writing softcore porn."
"That would be some pretty messed up softcore porn. And Nick is giving me a look like 'I never saw anything like that in *my* softcore porn.'"
"Considering I used to work at a video store that had a back room, that's actually closer to the truth than you may think. Some of the covers are pretty bad, so after a while, your eyes sort of glaze."
"You can see their glaze on the covers?"

"And a continental breakfast."
"Filled with roofies. Continental breakfast provided by Press Gangs, Inc."

"Anything happen?"
"No."
"I held some dicks."

"He's from the Carringbush, which is the younger sibling of the Giving Tree."

"We could see fish girl."
"I guess the titties are okay...but nothing to part, if you understand my meaning."

"It don't make sense for fish to be laying eggs."
"It don't make sense for a doctor to be drinkin' at 8 a.m."

"Can I spend Plot Points on my penis roll?"

"If I concentrate, I can make men feel secure in their masculinity."

"There are paramedics in the Core who can't do when I'm drunk what I can do when they're sober!"

"He's made a bunch of shows for teaching Christian values."
"Protein Tales."

"So is there anything else you do to prepare?"
"I stick a pistol down my pants."
"So that you look like a man?"

"I'm such a bad missionary, out of character."
"I start scourging myself in the street."

"Siqin just falls over onto the floor, gasping for air."
"Praise the Lord!"

"She gasps out 'Peanuts!'"
"She's allergic to peanuts."
"'She's asking for peanuts. Get her some!' 'No. Please. Ugh!'"
"'I think your wife's asking for penis.'"

"Emergency Bible sale. 'We know you're on death's door. Would you like to buy a Bible?"

"I just wanted to get out of your hair."
"Well, you're back *in* my hair."

"It's the McDonalds of S&M."

"I want to know what your real names are. I can't be calling you Jay."
"Now they're Jay and Silent Bob."

"I'll go if you need someone to watch your back."
"Wash your back? Oh."

"If anyone's selling women, I want them to sell them to me."

"I bind my chest, but honestly there isn't much to bind."
"Some people are blessed."
"You ever dressed like a woman, Captain?"

"You know what the name of the song that is playing is, right? 'Fuck Me Like a Reaver'."
"No. No it definitely is not."
"It's 'I Touch Myself.'"

"They call it 'Frontier style.' Ride 'em, cowboy!"
"A whole new meaning to 'Rim Job.'"

"Anyone who hasn't seen 'How to Make a Monster' should. You will thank me later."
"Just leave your eyes out of the room."

"I'm looking for that haggard look of the career prostitute."

"Damn. I've just been turned down by a whore. Time to drink!"

"Yeah, when they close the door, they clock in."
"Would that make him a cock on the clock?"

"Have you been to a place like this before?"
"Plenty of times..."
"Are you a virgin?"

[while in an S&M brothel]
"Your sister looks like she is having a good time."
"Yeah, she blends in."

"I thought you said 'cock on the cob.'"

"Screw you guys."
"For a thousand credits apiece..."

"Sex is expensive in these parts."

"If you're lookin' to have sex, you just say so."
"I'm only interested in havin' sex when the ship is in motion, because it turns me on."

"The rules are as important as the engine and the pilot."
"What if having sex would keep the engine from blowing?"
"You're the doctor. Is that medically possible?"

"Seeking different slots. That's a great name for a casino-brothel."
"What, Loose Slots?"

"She's top shelf liquor."
"Sounds like she's the one who'd be doing all the licking."

"Vampires. They're like Reavers but nicer."

"We could pay the 500 credits and let her work it off as crew."
"What skills does she have? Her obvious skill don't help us much with the captain's rules."

"Sounds like you're awful judgemental for an anthropomologist."
"First off, you're putting too many syllables in that."

"How did you get two women to follow you around and play with your balls?"
"Allure."

"Alcohol sterilizes things, including me."

"The bumper cars are hover cars, because this is the future."
"Sounds like a whole new level of lawsuits."

"Rules...two girls at the same time. Rules...two girls at the same time. Major Credo...best thing ever."
"That's why it's a flaw."

"Some of your height went into your penis."
"If you could actually do that, all the men in the world would be like 4'9"."

"Luke is also looking pretty elegant."
"In a dress."
"'Want to join us, Captain?'"

"I'll order something for her, because I know what's good here."
"She'll have the roofie soup."
"You're the one who needs roofies. That's why you're the doctor."
"I will prescribe you 10 doses of roofies."

"What was her area of study before?"
"I don't know. A bunch of long words I don't remember."
"Post-Colonial 'Verse."

"Are you going to make a habit of playing with dicks on your watches?"

"It's like cat dick. You add 8."

"Carringbush: We've got wood for sheep."

[Explaining the injured girl to Alliance search party]
"We had some trouble with..."
"Pirates."
"Not pirates. Bounty hunters."

"Can we get a free refill on cats?"

"Tools for Tots."
"For all that child slave labor they have."

"As long as there's an open bar at the 7-year-old's birthday party."
"Get out of my way, little girl, or I'll make you work in my salt mine."

"Your high-level wizard has senile dementia."

"Starring Keith Richards as the Bard."

"Archer and Daisy come back."
"Covered in hickies."
"Even for Kentucky, that's creepy."

"Double first cousins. Double the fun."

"Doing your double first cousin is totally incest."

"Coffer credits. Remember to itemize it."
"Just wait until we get audited."
"Audited by the GM."

"Bush's war on terror is still going on. Osama bin Laden is still alive and at large. They keep on cloning him. That's how the Unification War got started. George Bush is still alive from pure patriotism."

"The number of things that Eric talks about that anyone else can even understand is getting smaller and smaller."

"My dad's not exactly the straightest arrow..."
"That's why I'm so deadset against wearing dresses."

[Oh, the irony of early seasons:]
"My name's not exactly the best one to have."
"Are you planning to propose to her or something?"

[singing] "I put on Shepherd's clothing and hang around in bars!"

[Birgitta's player rolls really well]
"Hot hands."
"Cold heart."
"Cold feet."
"Cold fish."

"Why are we following this guy?"
"He took something from me."
"My virginity."

"That's what we need - binoculars."
"And a harpoon gun."
"A harpoon gun? Might as well get a wooden leg, too. That way we can stalk our prey through the city streets."

"On the Rim, you can slut it up with whomever you want."

"You two can't have incestuous sex because you don't have a good last name to end with -cest."
"Quinncest!"
"Okay. You can now have coitus."

"First you've got to get a badger. And then you train the badger to follow his scent."

"I stirred it with my dick."

"Archer, Daisy, Nicolas and Quinn."
"I'm spacing whatever offspring results from that union."

"His name is, um, George Bush."
"No. I'm not letting you name him George Bush."
"Too bad. You said I could name whatever I want."
"He's still alive by pure patriotism."
"George Bush of Carring Bush."
"They named it after him. He can't pronounce "caring," either. Sort of like nucyular. 'We are a carring people. Them terrorists aren't carring people. But we're good because we car.'"

"That can be her act - angry, deaf Browncoat in an invisible box."

"The tongs are in the salad."

"It looks like the local Tong has taken an interest in our business with tools."

"Rough ride?"
"Yeah."
"Maybe we can pick you up a pillow. Or a nice bodice."

"You cut on someone or you shoot someone, you're gonna stay around just long enough to do the doctorin', and then you're off."

"We car about the environment."
"Yes, we do. Preferably in a Hummer."

"We came from a heavily Italian area, which is why we know Italian."
"I know Italian, too...after a fashion..."
"You know Italian like you know a good woman."
"He knows what it tastes like."

[thick Italian accent] "It's-a me - Nicolas!"

"What did you say your names were?"
"I'm Jay."
"And I'm, um, Bob."
"Bob and Silent Jay?"

"Shepherd bin Laden and Shepherd Bush are making out on the altar."

"There's bin Laden and Bush slash."
"Written by the Army."

"Did you say it's a nude day?"
"No. It's a new day."
"Nude day. Woo!"

"After you meet people who are obsessed with giant spiders and other equally ridiculous things, you're kind of glad to get back to your home abbey."
"Yeah. Meeting whackjobs like that makes believing in God seem easy."

"It's been a long time since I've been with a group of people this long."
"Usually she's feeding on their entrails, by now."

"Can I get a discount there because my ship oppressed women there?"

"You took a shit in a shop vac and then put it on reverse?"

"I went into the room, and there was literally shit where the sewage pipes have burst."
"Did you suck it up with an R2-D2 shop vac? Bee boo bee! Budda budda budda budda."
"Pee Poo Pee!"

"It's just one of those nights when you know you're going to have to change the sheets in the morning. And flip over the matress."

"Let's see. She's screaming, and I have a hangover. I'm anesthesizing her to make it quiet, setting her nose, and going back to bed."

"Nobody's going to get hurt, so don't worry about that."
"Unless Birgitta comes along."

"The Dress of Coma +1."

[Nicolas makes an announcement over the intercom.]
"The captain is in a hangover in a dress."

"I wash her dress."
"It shrinks in the wash."
"It was hand wash only! Don't you read the care instructions?"

"I like big bustles, and I cannot lie."

"Who are you punching in the head today?"
"Siqin just got healthy. It's time to punch her."

"You're never sure if her helping you is a prelude to further punching."

"It's hard to drill when you've got a boner."

"There are more prostitutes per square mile in this game than in any game I've ever run."

"Daisy takes her stuff and goes upstairs to get away from the orgy."
"She's drinking bleach."

"Hello, Captain. It's me again."
"Are things getting out of hand? Did someone lock a door?"

"Anyone with the training of an Alliance pilot is capable of shooting someone in the head."
"Exactly! Wait, what?"

"You're doing the food?"
"Yeah, me with the carrot in the kitchen."

[sings] "Boring porn."
"I'm glad we have a jingle for that."

"We need to find the guilty person or some viable facsimile thereof."

"Sometimes when two people really like each other, they give each other diseases."

"Somehow, you find a hand cart in Luke's shuttle."
"That was a wild night."

"Is there a skill you're willing to contribute to the ship?"
"Whoring."

"Why does it go backwards? Oh, I see. Because it goes forwards."

"The Beatles used to be really rebellious. Now they're quaint folk music."

"Hey, Captain, when's payday? Do we have a 401(k) plan? Do you make matching contributions? How's our health plan?"
"Dude, you are our health insurance."
"Yeah, our medical and dental suck."

"We're going to the ass end of nowhere."
"Hey, that's where I do all of my business."

"Kids ride free! We won't tell you where we drop them off, though. Just another service of Press Gangs, Inc."

"Hannah and Royce are installed in your passenger dorms."
"With a screwdriver."

"I smelted this orthodontia from my bullets."
"You've got a mouth full of murder."

"My credit card could eat him whole."

"Where are your degrees?"
"Oh, they're in my trunk but that would take too much effort."
"I'd have to move all the bodies."

"My degrees are in my trunk. I'll go get them. Just hold that ether to your face until I get back."

"A painting of a representation of a solar flare? You're getting a bit away from your source material, don't you think?"
"A painting of an interpretive dance to music inspired about a poem inspired by a solar flare."

"If you're born with no superpowers, you become a mime."

"What are you doing during the trip?"
"Licking the entire cargo floor clean."

"I think if you piss in a still, you don't get alcohol."
"What if you piss alcohol?"

"Pissing Cheez Whiz."
"How about Silly String?"

"It would be cool if you could grow arms but you have to have them surgically removed."
"He had like thirty goddamn dicks."

"They probably call it 'survival gear.' I call it 'vacation gear.'"

"Hi. My name is Catholic McCatholicson."

"If there are any girls there, I want to frat-er-nize with them."

"There's that skanky monkerary."

"I'm doing a painting of an interpretive dance about feeling the captain's penis in my back."

"What are some examples of what Birgitta can teach to someone?"
"Breaking someone's nose."

"If you're going to be buggered, you might as well be Zen about it."
"That's quotable."

"Can I ask you a question?"
"Is your husband a woman?"
"Actually, that is what she was about to ask, in fact."

"I'm not going to blow your cover unless you want your cover blown."
"She totally just offered to blow you."

"Hey Noel. My gaydar was right."
"You have gaydar for roleplaying characters, now?"

"Poor girl. Her dad's a drunk."
"That's why I don't acknowledge any of my children. I'd only hurt them."

"Your basketball team gets the dad. We get the dykes."

"Is your thing steeped in heterosexual tradition?"

"We've gone 10 days without any homosexual experiences."

"Daisy's like the Crocodile Hunter of the anthropology world."
"Crikey! It's a mob. If I stay here, I could be killed! In this particular planet's religion, it makes them really mad when you do this. Let's watch and see how they react!"

"Crikey! Look at all these fundies!"

"These aren't the dykes you're looking for."

"When I get a safe distance away from the mob..."
"I call in an airstrike."

"If there are people with pitches and torchforks..."

"I wink at his posse."
"They cover their assholes."

"Jaya is off empowering women and we're degrading them. I think we're doing more harm than she's doing good."

"That's too bad. I like unicorns."
"If she offers to take us to Rock Candy Mountain, I'm leaving."

"Too late, she's already between you and him."
"Well shit. Maybe if I shoot out the back of her kneecap with one gun, she'll fall forward and give me a clear shot with the other gun."
"That's what two guns are for: friend and foe."

"Your mom was the bearded lady!"
"They can smell it in your genes."

"Food for babies - a service from Press Gangs Inc."

"Do we have enough passenger dorms for all these women?"
"They can share my room. I have a double bed."

"I'll volunteer to sleep with whatever lady will have me."

"Tents? Oh. Fuck tents."

"I underestimated the wackiness of these hill folk."
"So did I."

"Three of our passengers were condemned to death."
"Why? What did they do?"
"Apparently, they were having a good time."

"Allure on Allure. It's the most beautiful sex."

"And on the handle of the gun, what do you think it says? Press Gangs, Inc."

"Where sex of grain, er, sacks of grain."

"It's new-tech armor. It's washer-board friendly."

"I think F is like Noel's letter orange."

[Birgitta referencing her slow movement due to sneaking] "I'm not going to get there in time."
"Now we see why the Browncoats lost."

"I have a plan in case things get worse."
"I hope it involves a grenade."

"I think both sides would get hurt."
Eric Z, OOC, petulant: "We did more damage."
"Put the gamer away, take out Osiris."

"I'm going to perform some crude...er, rudimentary surgery."

"If you put the gun in my hand, I could probably pull the trigger."

"Maybe one of the witches can drive."

"Why were you dressed like a man before?"
"It's my job."
"You people from the Core have some mighty strange jobs."

"If you put your finger in my dyke, I'm going to be really mad."

"May-June will tank for us."

"Pigs are climbers. They live in the trees."

"I just want to help you out in the long run."
"Then get a shovel."

"I'm heckling the captain."
"Shut up, Luke!"
"I can see up your skirt."

"I feel like I'm missing something."
"What you're missing is that he's Captain Emo."

"I don't know about you, but when I lie in bed at night, I pretend I'm inside a torpedo tube."

"I have standards, dammit."
"Since when?"
"Shut up."

"He was Doc-gasming."

"You could invite people off the street."
"Classy hoes welcome."

[about Jaya's feminine attire failing to be convincing] "You forgot to wash off the Old Spice."

"A woman named Shu has a job for you carrying quasi-legal cargo."
"They're Nike knockoffs."

"I've found us a job."
"It's in the spice mines of Kessel."

"That's our new motto - Bilk 'em and space 'em."

"You're afraid I'm gonna slit your throat in your sleep! Well, I don't do that stuff no more."

"He was one of those Browncoats who didn't distinguish much between soldiers and civilians. It's not like he killed women and children, but he sometimes killed others."
"Like shopkeepers."
"He was an adventurer. He killed shopkeepers, city guards, and sometimes, when he got lucky, innkeepers."

"Well, part of the reason the pig only made it this far up my arm..."

"Instant gratification booze!"

"There's a lot of warmth in the people there..."
"If you cut into them."

"Yes, because it's my lifelong dream to die in a fire I created."

"I'm going to casually mention to you..."
"That your room smells like ass."

"Where's the cat?"
"We eat well tonight!"

"At least my stash of dead bodies is out in the open."

"Things are better, but it's still pretty dire."
"And fuzzy."

"I find the captain and..."
"Seduce him."
"That's not exactly what I had in mind."
"You'll find the captain..."
"Easy."
"Stop that!"

"You can un-weld the door. I'm just saying."

"I put the head back in the box, tie it up with string, and write "Do Not Open. No, seriously. -The Captain."

[making puppet motions with human head]"Hello Osiris, I feel really disrespected today."

"When I signed on I didn't expect to run into bandits and Reavers. At least not in the second month."

"I kind of take offense to people trying to kill people in my room."

"These are the easily-erectable gas chambers."

"I brought a laundry list of..."
"I'm not doing your laundry."

"I'm takin' it it wasn't the guy you were to be married to?"
"No, that was the problem."
"I understand."
"Please don't understand."

"She asks you if you want to play basketball, and then she punches you in face."

"The book says mechanics charge 640 credits per hour, plus parts. A night with a high-ranking Companion only costs 1,000 credits. Fucking game."

"They rub their Companions on their friends' faces?"

"He offers to buy you a cup of wine."
"Or just to buy you."

"If you live in Indiana, are your parents like your grandparents?"

"He was creepy like Mormons."

"We don't have to make a profit. We're mechanics."

[upon seeing graffiti on the side of Black Cat] "Looks like they've got some good schoolin' out here. People sure know how to read and write."

"You know a good way to get warm..."
"You're not there."
"Yes. That's because I'm busy getting warm."

[despondent, end-of-his-rope tone of voice] "Gorram smelly fish!"

[sarcastic response after Birgitta asks whether the ship has "its own inferno" - meaning incinerator, we think]
"And on this deck, we have our inferno. And next to that is our shrine to Zeus and our licking wall."

"Wait, somebody stuffed Gull with smelly fish?"
"There's a certain irony to that."

"Well, nobody likes an anthropologist."
Luke: "Yeah. I get a warmer reception."

"Old Fish - the new fragrance from Calvin Klein."

"She printed some horrible lies about my home."
"Everyone on St. Albans sucks cock."
"What's the break DC on a planet?"

"Crikey! Look at all these tiny dicks!"

"There's no we could have broken any local customs. We're really sensitive toward these things."
"Crikey!"

"I can adapt to change. I can use scoopable cat litter and a debit card."

"It's kind of like the emperor's new clothes. They only cut you if you deserve it."

"We'll just say that we got it from a junkyard."
"A gay junkyard."
"What the hell is a gay junkyard?"
"A junkyard that specializes in back doors."

"I'm checking the jail for any evidence of health risks to the prisoners. If there are any unsantitary conditions..."
"I want to do them."

"I could be a character witness and tell them that Daisy isn't the type to steal and vandalize."
"Captain, if somebody looked up your name in the database, what would they find?"
"Umm...better not pick me."

"On the bright side, it would give you 10 years to study the prison culture of St. Albans."

"The people I hired to look for your Mr. Bush...have gone about as far as they can go..."

"If I hear one 'Crikey' out of you..."

"Why do you need to learn how to use a pistol?"
"I have a pistol, and I might one day have to kill someone with it."
"Seems like as good a reason as any."

"If I play basketball without a shirt, can I use Allure?"

"You find an entrance that is less hot."
"That entrance is totally hot. This one is a bit homely but welcoming."
"Would that be a pity entrance?"

"You can't play your character without knowing how big your penis is."

"Student Housing: Care of Press Gangs, Inc."

"Oh shit. You gave birth to the Messiah and left, didn't you?"

"Holy Spirit Spirits - from Press Gangs, Inc."

"You get four wives. One of them's Luke."

"I'm not sure I want to be married to Osiris - no offense, Doc."
[Luke, who is wearing a burqa, says] "Hey, he's my man."

"Birgitta's drunk in the burqa."

"Unless someone is doing random burqa compliance tests, ain't no one gonna recognize you under all that."

"This city is devoutly Muslim. Let's commit adultery and see what happens."
"Let's streak the marketplace and see what happens. Crikey!"

"Talk to the and. The face isn't listening."

"Doc, you hear some mighty strange stories."
"That's what happens when you look at the world through the bottom of a whisky decanter."

"Gorram it! Stand down!"
"In the name of our Lord, I will die a martyr."
"Fundies say the darndest things. Blam!"

"Aren't you glad that all your crew is crazy?"
"I'm firing all the PCs except my sister."

"I say we space the whole planet."

"Want a tooth, doc?"
"I tend them. I don't collect them."
"You tend them? Does that mean you herd them?"
"Tooth herder. Maybe that's an old school term for an orthodontist."

"Maybe it's a fetish thing: Hammerhead boobs."
"It is an available domain name."
"Get it!"

"It might be good with what happened last night that we didn't tell you about."

"Hindis say the darndest things."

"If we went into Brigitta's quarters, would we find babies stapled to the walls?"

"Orc nipples - more hair than flesh."

"It's black. It goes with anything."
"Except for dress whites."

"He's too drunk to command Jack or shit, but he can command Jack Daniels just fine."

"I'm too operate to drunk."

(sings) "I'm burning on a jet plane..."

"Is it can it be flashbacks time now please?"

"Have you seen Omar?"
"No."
(sings) "'Cause he's burning on a jet plane..."

"I have a portable vibrator."
"Aren't they all portable?"
"Give me a vibrator big enough, and I will move the world."
"It's the only way the Earth's gonna move tonight."

"Why would New Istanbul want to bomb our house?"

"Where's the doc?"
"He's comin', Daisy."
"Not that that's a good thing."

"I can't hear anything you're saying."
"That's 'cause you're deaf."
"YOU'RE deaf!"

(sings) "Airplanes keep falling on my head..."

"I like daisies, but they don't grow here anymore. Too many people pushing them up."

"They're not Christian Soldiers."
"Actually, they told you they were Christian Soldiers."
"Okay. Fine. I'm going to chalk that one up to being deaf."

"We're not trained killers."
[both Erics raise their hands] "I am."

"We're in a unique postion..."
(Osiris) "I take a drink."
"To stop a war..."
(Osiris) "I take another drink."

"It's the hallucination chamber. It's where you go when you're too low tech for a holodeck."

"What does water kill?"
"Mud."

"There's a bit of caterwauling."
"Literally. As the cats get spattered on the wall."

"Maybe with your new Experience Points, you can buy a new leg."

"Just so you know, whenever I say 'beep,' I'm hitting the morphine pump button."

"What happened to you?"
"Lions."
"You got attacked by lions?"
"Yes" beep

[to the tune of "From a Distance"] "Birgitta is punching us. Birgitta is punching us. Birgitta is punching us...from a distance."

"The assassinations will continue until morale improves."

"The woman who is the father of the actual child..."

"So you're putting on a nice dress, and then you're putting on a plate vest over it?"

"I can help... Fireworks!"

"I'm actually an alien, and I have another one growing in my chest."

"It's April 28th."
"Almost payday."
"Awesome! I love payday."
[Beep]

"I wouldn't call my life difficult except for the part where people keep trying to kill me."

"I give Luke last rites."
"I'm not dead."
"I give him last rites anyway."

"So the question is where are we going?"
"Second star to the right and we'll see if we get renewed next season."

"It's the first of May. Outdoor fucking starts today. I expect to see some of that this session."

[really drunkenly slurred voice] "I'll go inventory the medical bay."
"One medical bay - check."

"It's plant sex, captain."
"Stop it. You're turning him on."

"If one of us dies, we should both die so we can come back as Press Gangs, Inc. people."

"I've got some rather complicated news, captain. The professor we're looking for has disappeared, and someone has already searched her office."
"Also, half the philosophy majors on campus are Neo-Nietzcheans."
"Is that some sort of food?"
"Sort of."

"We're in trouble, guys. Bob and Jim have arrived."

"They're supposed to be Italian but they didn't know one end of a meatball from the other."

"All our licenses are-"
"Illegal."

[Birgitta peeks out and sees two military men]
"We hear an evil cackle and that was the end of the military men..."

"We can't knock off any of the settlers?"
"No, they're settled."

"See if you can work that angle."
"If not, theft works."

"The dress is sneaking up on you, captain."
"That dress had like 30 goddamn dicks."

[movie announcer voice] "One man's quest for the right to pull teeth."

"Are you wearing clothes, now?"
[No answer.]
"I think this is an important question."

"There is one thing I haven't tasted..."
"Reaver!"

"I'm not a vegetarian. I love the meat."
"This captain loves the meat."

"We don't allow any intercourse to happen on this ship."
"No discussions?"
"No sex."

"We don't have that kind of relationship. It would be like doin' my own daddy."
"On some of the planets we've been on, that wouldn't be a problem."

"Okay. Looks like the basketball game is over. I'm gonna go get a mop."

"You saw the captain's morphine suit, didn't you?"

"I go change."
"I hope you change a lot."

"There's still a space here in this here captain...I mean cabin."

"Quinn, have you heard about this here crazy plan?"
"Because it kinda involves you. A lot."

"If you cook it right, any fish part is good for eatin.'"
"Can we please not test that?"

"You ain't thought this through, woman!"
"To make it worse, this was her idea."

"Sweepin' up scissorfish ain't hard. Not sweepin' up scissorfish is hard."

"Some legends turn out to be true. Some legends turn out to be false. Some legends turn out to be something completely different."
"What matters is whether this legend is edible."

"There's nothing I can feed him that he ain't already ate."
"He ain't never ate a scissorfish."
"You can only be poisoned by your chef once."

"Would you do this to Big Tom?"
"Yeah. I'd do this to Big Tom."
"Especially for 350 credits."

"Abbot and Costello are chewing on my brain like a rainbow."

"We're like a sadistic honor guard."

"You comin', Doc?"
"I'm crew, Captain. The ship floats, I float."
"If the ship sinks, I get off."

"It would be hilarious if we had a TPK tonight."

"I'm going to check out our host to see if he has any idiosyncracies."
"He once checked out Saw for four months running."
"He still hasn't returned it. Netflix has a 10,000 credit bounty on his head."

"I haven't given the captain any grief."
"No, you've just given him a boner."

"Something about Daisy just doesn't scream threesome."
"Come on, Daisy, just think of it as a social experiment."

"We work for all sorts of mysterious folk, and it usually turns out just fine."

"Where'd you learn to fly like that, little girl?"
"Satan."

"Birgitta and Jaya should become lovers."
"That would be hot. Actually, that would be half hot."

"I'm shaking my chainèd sack."

"He's agreeing with me! There must be something wrong with my argument..."

"Captain needs your help."
"What happened?"
"He's fallen, and he can't get up."

"And by 'you might be more use' you mean 'you don't want to do it.'"

"Where does the hole lead?"
"The ovaries."

"Remember, Quinn, if you see anyone in there, get out."
"And if you see an ovum, fertilize it."

"What about the moral implications of letting that poison gas out into the 'Verse?"
"I'm thinking about the moral implications of that huge cannon mounted on the side of the space station. That, to me, is right up there with Descartes and Aquinas and shit as far as morality is concerned."
"I think you're confusing moral with mortal, here."

"Next time I go drinking with Frosthammer, I need to lace their food with some of your medical units."
"And offer to let Birgitta spar with them."

"The name of the book is Up to the Elbow."

"She don't seem to know right from...beating people up."

"Doc don't take pleasure from hurtin'."
"But he's a dentist!"

"Do we want Inheritance to get Lucky?"

"We were the Wizard of Oz adventuring party because everyone was missing something."
"Mostly a penis."

"You have different standards for strange than I do."
"Says the anthropologist."

"It's a trilogy about math and pirates."

[handjob motions] "Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!"

"Didn't find what you were looking for?"
"Bunch of crap."
"Got an abortion, though."

"Birgitta is making a booty call after running a marathon?"

"Back to Planned Parenthood we go."
"Did you remember to get a punch card, this time?"
"Is that like a Sub Club card - the eighth abortion's free?"
"But only if you buy a soft drink."

"Daisy's puking in the camp fire."
"When the vomit burns, you've had too much to drink."

"Roll me your Agility + Piloting/Oh my God, we're all gonna die!"

"It was obviously done by someone with a seriously deranged personality."
[to Osiris] "Good thing you have an alibi."
"I was boning a hooker. Check my bank account."

[about the dead Dr. Pale] "We know the doc didn't do it, else she'd be buried."

"I don't want to seduce anyone. They'd probably just grope me like the captain."
"Oh Mormon dress, nobody understands me like you do."
"You're so restrictive."

"Black Cat - mobile brewery and funeral home. We go where the death is. And where there isn't death, we make it."

"Do they have any holy places for us to defile?"

"Birgitta comes down in a froofy dress."
"So, Captain, you clean up good."

"What exactly would a Newtech vagina be?"

"The more you cheer, the bigger your boner gets. The bigger your boner gets, the more they cheer."

"'Cause it's a cool idea to have a flying microbrewery in space. I'm sorry you're an alcoholic."

"I should buy explosives."
"Why?"
"Stealth missions."

"Greg came up with a name for the pairing of Osiris and Daisy. It's Osaisy."
"I still think Doris is better."
"Doris sounds like a grandma, though."
"Well, it kinda is a grandma."

"Mormon dress, you understand me, but I can't get out of you fast enough!"

"Bullshit you're a researcher! You've got blood all over your arm!"

"That's it. I'll bring shiftier and shiftier escorts who leave people more and more dead."

"What happened?"
"Unexpected complications."
"Who was bleeding?"
"The unexpected complications."

"Black suit is for the mean tax man. I could wear a purple suit and show the fun side of the tax man."
"No such thing exists. Do you even own a purple suit?"
"No."

"Your slash name is Quoc - Quinn and Doc."
"Yeah. Because if Nicholas ever caught the two of us together, all that would be left of Osiris is Quocamole."

[Luke gets a plot point]
"Cool. Now I can buy another tax audit."

"You're one of those people who would've voted for the Cannibals, Wizards, and Vampires Party, aren't you?"
"Well, they've got some good things on their platform."

"I've got some bureaucratic tricks I can try."
"Your taxes are untied!"

"It's my job to tell when someone's lying, and not to sound prejudiced, but you Browncoats are terrible at it."

"This is Reavers, and this is their mating habits. Look at all the YouTube videos."

"When opportunity knocks, Osiris meets it at the door with his pants down."

[after hearing Quinn having sex with Osiris, throwing up all over himself, and being put in the shower]
"I'll never be clean again!"

"Do you have a mother I can do?"

"What kind of singing voice does Osiris have?"
"Tormented."

"The inferno formerly known as the hydroponic garden."

"We believe there was a tax error that, while not immediately obvious, could become quite a headache, if compounded. We're hoping to nip it in the bud before it becomes literally life-threatening."
"If that's the case, I'm firing my accountant."

"We've looked over your tax records. It appears the error was on our part, which we always hope it is."

"Everyone on the ship is vomiting. I'm going to take up bulimia just to fit in."

"I need to be here in case something goes wrong."
"You mean in case you join in?"

Jaya: "I think we should pose as two missionary couples. [points at Nicolas quickly] I get you."
Osiris, leering at Siqin: "Anyone got a breath mint?"

"Anyone with ears heard you. The only person you didn't wake up is the deaf woman."
"Well, your sister's a talker."

"I like you. That's why I kept you on my boat, despite your problem...your problems."
"Good thing there's nothing after plurals."

"If you were me you wouldn't be on this ship."
"That confuses me."

"Even if we get out, there's the whole problem..."
"...of the tracking device in my ass."

"Hold on. I need to think about Luke's alignment to see if I can carry out the plan that just leaped into my mind..."

"Dammit! We've got to stop turning in our drug dealers!"

Osiris: "I need to switch identities with someone."
Luke: "One-two-three, not it!"

"I wish someone would steal my identity."

"I thought I was doing well."
"Well, I've never been hit in a monastery."

"I guess when we were talking earlier I didn't specifically say that we shouldn't piss off anyone and get them to hit us. That was my bad."

"Wait, I just spent my birthday at an abbey? And I spent it sober?"

"Don't you want your government to be proactive?"
"Not if it comes up behind me."

"We have a violent woman and a limp dick. Which would you like?"

"What's socialization?"
"Uh, bad word choice."

"Some people try to change things from the inside."
"He changed me from the inside..."

"If I'm in there he can't get in."

"Problem number 2..."
"Birgitta, for an engineer, you really suck at counting."

"You have to get a hold of this psycho..."
"Frak-me-in-the-ass-imine."

"Who's going to parties?"
"I can go!"
"You sit down, murderer."

"What is the situation?"
"We've got a secret we can't keep."

"Don't be a wimp. Remember, at this point the doc has gotten further with your girl than you have."

[Luke, to the captain] "Goodnight, patriarchal oppressor."

"What do you call a drunk with no booze?"
"So-siris."

"We have a drunk on our ship for the tax breaks."

"There are certain interfaces that he will cock-block."
"That he will what?"
Chorus: "Cock-block."

"Anything else?"
"No, the rest you should stay out of 'cause it's my own personal business."

"New rule. There will be no Lovebots on the ship that look like my sister."

"When you say it's okay to telecommute some days, you meant from jail is fine, right?"

"My guy friend and I need a ride back to the ship. The ladies are staying here."

"This is the Core. Last call is at like 10."
"It's like Cincinnati."

"You've got the strangest masturbation technique I've ever seen."

"I'm getting a NewTech vagina. It's like a cross between a Tamagotchi and a sex doll."

"My vagina requires chocolate."

"I won't always be there to watch your back."
"Especially when you're making the beast with two backs."
"The beast with two backs and a shovel."

"If I saw you tryin' to date someone like me, I'd hit him, too."

"So, keep him from bein' crazy. Just don't...have relations with him."

"I don't want him to get too close to you."
"He lives in the same damned ship as me."
"And we don't lock doors."

"Your vagina wants money to go shopping for shoes."

"I should give her birthday punches."

"Magic gay beer."

"I'm not going make a big show of it, but I'm going to go over there..."
"...And stick my tongue up his ass."

"I can't help but notice you keep looking at my beer keg."
"Well, you make some pretty good beer."
"And I'd like to tap it."

"Ultimate showdown - tongue versus cock."

"Something is crawling around in the walls."
"How many glasses have you had, Captain?"

"Guard the hole with your life! Here's some beer."

"She was going to say something, but it was her own private business."

"Would you please get something heavy - like a wrench - and follow me."

"I want you to knock Dustin out."
"Why?"
"Because he's the only one not acting weird."

"Quinn, have you heard of Readers?"
"Aren't they people what can read?"

"Jaya! Jaya! I've already had one crewmember take my pants off today!"

"So, Osiris goes around and gives out the Firefly equivalent of dramamine. It helps with the seasickness."
"And fights cavities! After all, this is the future."

"I trust your sister, but it's the rest of the folks on the watch that worry me."
"Osiris takes a drink."
"Birgitta cracks a knuckle."

"You're reincarnated as a scissorfish."

"I have an alibi! I'm deaf. I can't sneak."

"I need a large sausage..."
"Yeah, you do."

"No one on that ship stood trial. Nobody. And now Gore is working for the Alliance...as head of security...on Shadow. Do you see what I'm getting at, Captain?"

"Before we jump to conclusions - no matter how short that jump is..."

"Do I get a bonus because I think she may be a serial killer?"

"Fighting pirates, I'm not so good at. Fooling around with my employees, I understand."

"I needed to tell Luke about Birgitta."
"Why?"
(singsong) "Because I'm a pussy."
"It's my own personal business, and you have no need to know about it."

"You don't want jizz chocolate. It wants jizz chocolate."

"Only the three of us know, right?"
"Actually, Luke knows, too."
"So, four of us."
"I should tell Archer, too."

"I'm bored."
"What kind of a come-on is that?"
"It's not a come-on."
"Yet."

"It will be 2,000 credits for the ship upgrades. I don't know whether that's coming out of ship's coffers or Nicolas's pocket."
"It's coming out of Birgitta's pay."

"How come you get to have all the fun times and I get attacked by dogs?"

"She looks like she's been shot multiple times, buried alive, and left for dead."
"Looks like the doctor's work."

"Now you're lost and butt naked."

"I did not have sex with that woman."
"We're not asking you that, Doc. Did you shoot her and bury her in the street?"

Doc looks at his stitches: "Well, I guess they're okay."
"Good, now we can fire the doc."

"Why would anyone want to kill Daisy?"
"See also St. Albans."

"Why can't we keep her? You've got a doctor who kills people whenever he sees blood. You've got a religious icon who nearly wiped two cities off a planet."

"I know it's not much to her defense, but she ain't killed some people when she coulda."

"We can get one off of one of the bodies."
"Spoken like a true Alliance representative."

"If Gore truly thought you were a threat, he would've had me kill you, because I'm close to you."

"What are we doing when we land?"
"Not practicing medicine. I might anger the satellite."

"It's like War Games with a small Indian woman."

"If I can get up to that battle cruiser, I can commandeer it, and then we can space any planet we want."

"He just flashed a nipple and ended the communication."

"If I don't get more booze, I could die."
"Drama queen."

"We ran away so fast we totally owned them."

"Red reaver, red reaver, send Osiris on over."
"I hate that game."

"Kittens with huge cocks!"

"Speaking of former Alliance members..."
"Yeah. Some of us were a lot cooler than you."

"What are we doing about the assassins that are coming after us?"
"Running and ignoring."

"His file is blank except for his name and a warning that he's not allowed to practice the culinary arts anywhere in the 'Verse."

"You could pat me on the back before, but now you can pat me on the butt but not really."

"Who the hell is Osiris?"
"The god of...my lost pen?"

"I'm going to go put my hip back in place on the linoleum."
"You can do that?"
"At least she's doing it on the linoleum and not on the carpet. It's a lot less trouble to clean up afterward. All you need is a mop."

"I love how we're more afraid of fish than lions, now."
"Hey, we killed the lions."

"What is that thing the doc has?"
"Maybe it's some kind of whiskey conveyance device. It was dripping liquid when I picked him up from jail."

"Hack the planet!"
"Deleting atmosphere."

"Living autopsy makes it sounds more fun."

"Your naivete is your power."

"Nicolas can tell that Gore could drink him under the table."
"Yeah, but so could most 12-year-old girls."
"So could my dog."

"So, you want to confuse us even more by adding random hallucinations to what he tells us?"

"Mixing drugs with alcohol is a little dangerous..."
"But always a good time."

"..the hallucinogenic beer misadventure..."

"Luke has a little cross-stitched sign in his shuttle that says 'Everything is appropriate here.'"

"Get him a sandbox big enough to bury the trunk."

"He doesn't have to have a tongue to make the thing vibrate."

"He gives you a book they use in officer's school about how to train people by..."
"Screaming. Screaming obscenities. Screaming insults. Just screaming."
"Screaming compliments."
[screaming] "That dress looks very pretty on you captain!"

"I'm sorry. The turbulence rocked my tongue into your ear."

"They strap a feed bag to your faces."
"They're filled with krill."

"Why is there a wet spot on my blotter?"

"The cable that connects the two stations is really thick. I doubt if anything could cut through it shy of explosives."
"Kaboom!"

[Quinn runs to Osiris for comfort]
Osiris: "Can I dodge?"
"That would be Agility + Lack-of-Empathy."

"What does the doc look like right now?"
GM: "What does the doc look like now?"
"The doc looks like he needs some whiskey."

"I want you to roll your Alertness + Perception/Hearing or Touch-"
"Whichever is more enjoyable."

"You should put less energy into shooting NPCs and more into taking quotes."
"I didn't know he wasn't wearing a bullet-proof vest."

"What's her problem?"
"I caused the death of a planet!"

"Look. There was another guy from Shadow down there."
"Yes, but not someone we saw Frenching Gore."

"I throw the rope to...no. Who's here that's better at this than I am?"
"Well, you've got an unconscious old lady, her bitchy daughter, and Daisy."

Season 3: Quinn

"Yeah. We had to run a blockade to get all our poisoned asses off the planet."

"Where did I find you?"
"Probably."

"We need a well-trained, deaf helper."
"Stop looking at me!"

"We're like the one-stop shop for getting rid of your mother."

"So, the fungus turns people into planet-killing biological weapons without any symptoms? We need to kill the Alliance."

"I'm not a parasite!"
"He said, as he poured more beer into his bloated tick body."

"Is this the effect of the fungus?"
"No, this is the effect of bunking with the beer keg."

"Can't we just call it a NewTech all-purpose hole?"

"I wonder if you could turn undead for NewTech skeletons."

"Maybe we could hook Dustin up with Linda."
"Do you think she needs drugs, too? Wouldn't surprise me after dealing with her mother."

"It's like George R.R. Martin. Once you feed them, you can't kill them unless you..."
"...get their permission?"

"The NewTech vagina not doing it for you?"
"It's clogged."

[about a large saltwater crocodile being transported aboard the ship]
"It's going to be fun being deaf."
"Well, I understand you can't hear it coming anyway."

"She's got those beady little eyes, and she doesn't blink."
"Kind of like Birgitta."

"Careful there, Captain. If she takes too much of a liking to me, I might need to keep her a little longer."

"Sleep well there, Luke?"
"Better than I would've thought."

"What's the matter, girl? Did Timmy crawl up on the the top bunk where you can't reach him?"

"One of the documents mentions something about dog fighting."
"It's Michael Vick!"

"If you can get Daisy out of here without anyone getting bitten, that would be great."

"'I've been on watch all day,' I say, holding up your cat."

"This zit looks like a smiley face because is has a tumor inside."

"Half of this game is bookkeeping, the other half is shirking work."

"A Speedo butt cape. Ruffles on the front, cape on the back."

"Can you take your emergency out in the hall?"

"You earned your pay, this month."
"I saved multiple planets from destruction, this month. For 200 credits. Which is less than a mechanic makes in an hour."
"Less than one makes in 20 minutes."
"Shut up. I hate my job."

"While the captain is getting us into a really bad situation, I'm going to go get coffee."

"You find Birgitta in the cargo hold."
"Roll initiative."

"Dustin get off okay?"
"Not as good as the doc."

"Where do you want (a 20,000 cu. ft. crate of porn)? In the back? Okay."

"What's the penalty for harboring a fugitive?"
Drunkenly slurred: "It's a minimum of 6 years on a mining colony."

"And then after having sex, she steps on your cat, and you wake up in a dress."

"Monkey plus nun equals PORN!"

"Ah, beer - the universal solvent."

"I finally said something funny. Now stop ruining it!"
"Nikki said it, so we don't have to explain it to her."

"I didn't do anything illegal."
"Except for exist."
"That was under Alliance orders."

"Osiris was saying we can take some DNA samples and try to match 'em up with missing person reports. Your average slaver will just dump 'em and get the next batch."
"Sounds like a good idea."
"Which one?"

"We can claim they're all the captain's. He's got one in every port, and sometimes there's a lawsuit waiting for him that Luke can't get him out of."

"They accidentally terraformed a planet with my sperm."

"We're gonna play doctor."
"But not the kind that will get me arrested."
"Pfft. This is the Rim."

"Who do you think has enough makeup to entertain five kids?"
Luke raises his hand.

"See, Joey, the big germs are called Browncoats, and that's why the Rim is bad."

"I don't know. I just don't feel like we're teaching them any valuable lessons about how life is hard."

"It makes your biological clock tickle."

"Luke just doesn't seem like the reproducing type."

"His sperm is all like, but I am le tired."
"Oh. Zen have a nap... And zen fertilize ze freakin' ovum!"

"Maybe if you're a male companion, a man will pay you to just go out and do guy stuff. Go out to a bar together, have some brewskies, and watch a game. Maybe he'll pay you 1,200 credits to lose to him in a pick-up football game."

"How did they all fall down the stairs, Jaya?"
"I tied them together."
"That's why we left her kid back on the planet of suicide bombers - because he's safer there."

"Jaya's just undressing the kids."
"Don't even go there."
"They're the closest thing to your age on this ship."

[Luke and Nicolas question the children.]
"This is going a lot better than most of our interrogations do."
"That's because we haven't had to get the car battery out yet."

[bemused, curious tone] "Who shot me?"

"I know it's a swanky thing, so I'm wearing my least stained clothes."

"The only way you can fit a shotgun is if you have 4 extra feet of space in your rectum."
"Or a dog sled."

"Osiris charges into the banquet room in his boxers with both pistols drawn."

"Your soul is damned. Go kill the man."

"You see Luke get shot and fall off a motorcycle, and now he's lying in the street bleeding. What do you do?"
"Keep walking."

"There's more that I owe than what I think I owe."

"Look at me. I'm 10,000 burned fleshy pieces that need to be dragged out of the combat zone."

"Captain's having some alone time on top of the ship."
"That must've been awkward."

"I say we unlock the top hatch and fire up the engines. The captain will have to come inside to get a firework."

"I guess our cargo is the captain's angst. It's the first time the cargo hold has ever been full."

"The captain comes back from arranging to haul cargo."
"Well, it's more like baggage than cargo, but..."

"Stuff on my captain dot com."

"Action one, split the tongue. Action two, tie my shoe. Action three, bye bye me. Action four, Birgitta no more. Action five, kid not alive."

"I ain't the brightest bush."

"My mommy and daddy don't like each other very much, but I want them to. Can you make them do that?"
"Quest log added."

"Nothing sells beer like a drunk."

"So about the kids, with some of the spare parts we have could Birgitta--"
"--wire them together?"

"What are you up to post kid bedtime?"
"Locking doors and having sex."

[Luke walks into the room with a crocodile.]
"Captain, I found a solution to our kid problem."

"Crocoreaver."

"Why is it that our ship has become a menagerie of lost things?"
"Well, there's that compartment of socks."

"We should call up Nicolas's dad and tell him we have a job."
"An easy job, in fact. Of course, we'll feed the crocodile laxatives."
"Yeah. And we also have one more bottle of that hallucinogenic beer."
"The trippin', shittin' crocodile."

"Whatever these bad people want, it's in Osiris's room."

"1 or 2?"
"I'm gonna go shower."

[about Beatrice the crocodile eating two people] "She'll be shitting shoes all week."

"I'm sending Quinn to the beach with the kids."
"But she can't swim."
"I know. That'll teach Nikki not to show up late."

"I'll trade my herpes for your gonorrhea."
"It's venereal disease Go Fish. Do you have any chlamydia?"
"Go fish."

[while teaching Quinn how to act like she comes from the Core]
"We spend some time on how to conjugate 'to be'."

"She's outsourcing her babysitting to an 8-year-old street child."

"You better go talk to Siqin and the Doc."
"Why?"
"Because that's how I find things."

"I understand Siqin has some business to take care of."
"Yeah, at a hotel that rents rooms by the hour."
"In your sordid dreams, you nasty little man."

"I'm going to bump up behind you, captain, and I'm gonna stick a little..."

"This time, I'm gonna use lasagna to get into your pants."

GM: "Archer had Daisy when she was 19.'
Jaya: "Bad idea."
Luke: "Says you."

"Me love you long time?"
"Just long enough."

"You break her heart, I'll break your arm."
"At least she's only going to break your left arm. She knows you'll need your right arm afterward."

"You have a gun that you can shoot at the ground and make a volcano?"

"Five of them are pointing guns at you, and one of them has a katana."
"Someone pick out the Marco character."
"Um, the one with the katana?"

"TongFacebook.com."
"Where you can put what mafia family you belong to."
"It's complicated."

"What did he do?"
"Nothing I didn't do..."

"Siqin is a smug, pissed off old Chinese lady."

"What's got you upset?"
"My sister had sex with your fiancé?"

"You might not want to go alone, Captain."
"You might turn out to be married to someone."

"We'll have the Doc give himself a sobriety test. If he's too drunk to administer a sobriety test on himself, he's too drunk to go on a security detail."

"I'm usually honest. Except when I'm lying."

"Mothers trade their kids like baseball cards on the Rim."

Quinn: "We moved because I slept with Siqin's fiancé."
Luke: "'You dirty slut,' I say in a joking way."
Quinn: "I'm punching Luke."
Birgitta: "Luke. What you said? Don't ever say that to a woman."

GM note to self: "I want to drink my beer not my plot points."

"Well, he's my brother, but if he ain't my brother, I need to know why."

"You know, the Society for Creative Gingerology."

"We're going to hang the official 'we're not slavers' certificate on the wall."

"The Lone Reaver."

"Why is the captain taking all the doctor's pay and spending it all on hookers and blow?"
"That's what the Doc would've wanted."

"Crock pot, save us!"

"Athens is like the Russia of the 'Verse - nothing but vodka and suffering."
"On Athens, Reavers attack you."

"What are we calling this new beer?"
"Good Deeds Wheat."
"It tastes awful, doesn't it?"
"Yeah."

"How did you grow up, Luke?"
"With a silver spoon in my ass."

"Do we have to take her back?"
"Well, yeah. This is no place for a kid."
"And we don't want to lose our certificate. We'll lose our 'not a slaver' license."

"You should have gotten Lonely Planet Lilac."

"Bring out the conspiracy-sniffing dogs."

"What part of 'monster' don't you understand?"
"We should go check it out. It sounds like someone needs help."
"Minus 1 Cowardice. Plus 1 Misfortune."

"I'm feeling a little peaked."
"I think you got a little peaked in your pants."

"A Reaver runs through it."

"The Doc was lying."
"Shut up. You're going to rue the day when I come back sane and sober."
"You said I could date your sister when I'm sober and not crazy. And my hand doesn't shake when I hold a gun, anymore."

"This somebody you know Quinn?"
"It's my baby daddy."

"Look at these people. They've got guns."

"I'm just playing 'Secret Agent Man.'"
"More like Hilliary Duff."

"He gets to claim all those kids as dependents."
"We don't so much call it a 'slave ring' as an 'orphanage.'"
"We definitely do not call it 'tax fraud.'"

"Is this some kind of official investigation? Because if it is, I want to see the papers for it."
"I pull the papers out of my ass."

"You want to go get in that mule? We'll take you home."
"We've got candy."

"You know what I love about GCRS?"
"I don't really care."
"There aren't any procedures for what to do with forceps."
[fade to black]

"If we turn in these guys, we're even more less slavers."

"You have Angelo Bernotte's number, now?"
"On speed dial."

"We're kinda married."
"Did you love him?"
"Like a brother."

"As long as you're on Lilac when I get back, I won't get all sad and lonesome...and kill your families."
"We don't want the Doc to be all sad and lonesome."

"What about pigs and explosives? That was the Doc's and my other idea."
"You and the Doc have got to stop having ideas."

"I mean, he ain't never said, 'I'm your sister's daddy - you bein' twins and all.'"

"I'm sure you're a nice girl and all, but this is the first time I've seen you. Do you think I want to marry you?"
"Yeah, you're an old woman. You're all pruney."

"It's a secret. You have to tell it to everyone within 20 minutes."

"It might be nice to go on a date, you know, before you get married."

"Birgitta comes back dressed in a fur suit."
"This is how Gore dressed when we were alone."

"This is worse than someone having traumatic flashbacks."
"This is what induces traumatic flashbacks."

"You're drawn out of your Cortex-induced reverie by a knock on your door."
"Actually, I'm not researching on the Cortex."
"What are you doing, then?"
"Masturbating."
"That's what the Cortex is for - porn."
"That is Cortex-induced revelry."

"Step one, find a cute little box. Step two, put his junk in the box. Step three, furtively open the box. That's called hero worship!"

"So, what's your tax bracket?"

"It's the veteran-bothering show."

"Anything else happen tonight?"
"Other than licking 80-year-old men?"

"I'm glad they didn't walk in and arrest everyone in the Syndicate."
"Why would they?"

"Even Gore was afraid of Sekhmet. You look like you're about to pee your pants, a bit."
"Well, she is my boss."

"Maybe she was your lover."
"Your Reaver lover."

"24 hour recess for laundry."
"An entire Syndicate just shat themselves."
"Those launderers are going to be sooo overworked, tonight. All those brown stains..."

"I'm not insulting anyone. When have I ever insulted anyone?"
"I seem to remember an incident in an abbey."

"Next time, let's be a little bit more candid before we phone in one of our passengers, okay?"

"Anyway, I gotta go see a man about a hat."

"You killed him with your incest."

"Because if you kill all your brothers, you can't ever accidentally have incest again."

"That's 'cus you're his sister's real brother and you got her pregnant."

"Who?"
"You know, that deaf lady with the romance novels."

"Siqin, your fiancé wants you to play basketball."

"It's actually Sìqi-n."
"Your name seriously sounds like someone sheathing and unsheathing a sword?"

"Jaya, I want you to become a wood expert."

"That's the Good Intentions beer - it sends you straight to hell."

"I don't think you're understanding me. If you weren't so grabby we wouldn't be in this position."

"What's ectoplasmic...yadda yadda?"
"It's goop."

"What does it mean when someone says you don't know them, but they know you and they seem to 'know you' know you?"

"Did he hug you like, 'Hey, you're my sister,' or like 'Hey! You're my sister'?"

"Nicholo? Angelas? Are you taking a pope in the woods?"

"It burns when I pope?"

"If you want to keep getting me hair I can keep on checking them against you."

"Brother, I didn't do my brother."

"Don't accept the quest. It'll start the timer."

"Remember. Anything with a tinfoil hat is friendly."

"What was that?"
"That was the sound of him being killed in his sleep."

"The Good Deeds Wheat tastes worse every time we make it."
"Maybe we should rename it Straight to Hell."

"I'll go to the inferno room and use the copy machine in there."

"When he said that Angelo got in trouble for doing what Bernottes do, what he really meant is 'I want to do my daughter.'"

"Are you going to burn that big house down?"
"No. We're going to go in there and talk to them like civilized folk."
"And then, once negotiations break down, we're going to shoot everyone and then burn it down."

"Slaving got us into this. Slaving will get us out of it."

"The only thing she wants is a favor with no strings attached."
"Well, as much as I'm afraid of what she has in mind..."
Old Lady Voice: "Take me now, Angelo!"

"Hentai ranch dressing."

"The Hentai ranch has a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls running around in corrals."
"We breed them for the short skirts and the exposed panties."

"Pistol, check. Shotgun, check. Lo mein, check."

"Wow, being not crazy makes you mean."

"It seems a waste to put the gloves on and not need them."

"This is how it works - I ask you questions, and then I put stuff in your mouth while you're trying to answer."

"Men can wear thongs."

"You're my third brother-lover."

"You could ask if Siqin has a twin."
"Two wrinkly, old ladies at the same time?"
"Two wrinkly, old ladies, one set of dentures."

"What about him sized up poop-poop?"

"If it weren't for things going wrong, we'd have a Mary Lou."
"Not a Mary Sue. Important distinction..."

"It was like significant other swapping."
"Except without the significant other."
"And with a lot more swapping."
"So, it was try before you buy?"

"If ever you're worried about what's coming out of your butt, just say to yourself, 'At least I don't have a drug-resistant staph infection.'"

"Super glue falls apart at 120 degrees? I'm glad to hear that, because I got a whole lot of super glue on my roommate's measuring cups."
"Why were you measuring super glue?"
"Add 3/4 cups super glue..."
"Wow, that cake really would be a lie."

"You're like the Margaret Weis of your own game."

"No one is shooting at the real villain."
"You mean Osiris?"

"So the cancer patient goes before Jaya."

"I don't like these guys without tongues. I can't ego signature them."
"They're immune to the Cat."

"You're paralyzed. Shut your morals up."

"Things have gone completely pear-shaped for Quinn."
"It's always been pear-shaped. I've just been ignoring the pear."

"If the marriage wasn't consumated, it doesn't count."
"This must be awkward for Nicolas."
"Actually, this is a relief. It's one less person my sister hasn't had sex with."

"It's proper to offer your guests drinks."
"Are they guests or prisoners?"

"Yo momma's so crazy, she don't even have a character sheet."

"I ran slaves to protect you and Quinn."
"You hear that, Nicolas? You better not have any kids."

"Birds of a feather puke together."

"I hug everybody that I hate."

Season 4: Nicolas

[sings] "Twelve point versus fourteen point!"

"My fake, my not...your birthday is coming up really soon."

"We need to go to Lilac."
"Why do you want to go to that trashy place?"
"Certainly not for the women."
"I hear they're pretty loose there."

"You guys, we could have chosen 'good-tipper' but instead we chose 'manic-depressive'."
"What's this 'we' nonsense, dude?"

"So what are people doing when you land on Boros?"
Osiris: "The clown."

"Wearing nothing but a whoopie cushion and a hobby horse."

"We know what she likes."
"The sex."

"Women sometimes like things that are practical but that meet a need she hasn't expressed."
"A dildo. Gives new meaning to the word woodpecker."
[sound effects]

"This is where you got the bottom half of your body burnt off."

"Put the tattoo on your penis pit."
"Is that the same as your cockpit?"
"Yes."

"The girl in tap shoes does a little dance as she sings a song about how it's your birthday, and the gorilla gives you a bunch of balloons."
"And when they're done, they both commit suicide for your viewing pleasure."
"That's how we do things here in the Core."

"Was it a real gorilla?"
"I think it was just a guy in a gorilla suit."
"It's really expensive if you want a real gorilla to commit suicide."

"I'd hate to be the guy who has to train the gorillas to commit suicide."

"Sitting in my dorm room and fingering my...Mormon dresses."

Luke: "Anything I won't touch with a pole, Osiris gets."

"Your actress has a name, right?"
"She has a name, yes."
"This is your actress in Canada, right?"

"Are you looking for a whore? You know the Companion Guild is on Sihnon, right?"
"I'm not the type of guy Companions want."
"Maybe they'll give you to a trainee."
"Yeah. It'd be like going to a beauty college. It takes seven times as long, and every five minutes, the instructor comes over to offer advice."
"I haven't seen anyone suck cock that bad since Luke Kano."
"Cock-sucking was not my best subject in Companion school."

"Who trains you in pillow fights?"
"I haven't seen anyone fight with pillows this bad since Luke Kano."

"Hey Birgitta, knock on her door. If she opens it, pop her."

"Sperm roach motel."

"You encounter a super peanut. They have to put you in cryostasis until they find a cure."
"That sounds expensive. You should just die."

"Luke did much better in business school."
"That was ass-kisssing, not cock sucking. 180 degree difference."

"I wonder if they have a security job for us."
"Our only business reference is in a coma, right now. But if he were conscious..."
"He'd tell you, 'Don't hire these clowns.'"

"Quinn?"
"Yes?"
"You wanna come to the courthouse with me?"

"That's a new look for you, Quinn."
"I'm a para-illegal."

"I don't know which is worse - doing a clown fast or doing a clown slow."

"Previous employers?"
"Yeah. I should probably leave out a few of those."
"Education?"
"I really don't want to talk about that one."
"Military service?"
"That either."
"Certifications?"
"Um, not a slaver."

"Hey Iain, there's a better than even chance that I'm going to shoot you some time in the next few sessions."
"Um, why?"
"Because if I shoot Quinn, I'll probably get kicked off the ship."
"You got an F in Logic, didn't you?"

"You might want to think of a new way of ensuring good luck."

"The last thing I remember is the Doc juggling three guns and me sneaking up on him."

"And if I ever have to juggle a gun in combat..."

"Okay, I'll wait until she's off the ship to start juggling my guns again."
"Do I need to make a new rule?"

"There are a lot of things that alcohol dissolves."
"Including the sins of my past."

[to Osiris] "I'd like to keep you around 'cause I know what you're made of."
"Booze and crazy."

"And we all know that when the doctor has a hangover, and he always has a hangover, he doesn't like having loud noises around."

"We could burn my Book of Mormon."

"I give them to Doris."
"Her name's Dora, actually. Doris is even more of a granny name than Siqin."

"The person who was busy telling everyone to make peace with their personal Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only one to have a rock fall on him."
"Yeah. I probably deserved that."

"Strength + Strength to push the rock off the doc."

"She graduated from Companion school Magnum Cum Laude."

"We're not flirting, we're just drinking a passenger comfortable."

"Can you fluff?"
"That's the one thing Luke is actually really good at."

"You know, I know a couple guys who work at the Sihnon Maximum Security Prison. They could put you in solitary confinement. That would be safe from the Syndicate."

"Cradle me in your wrinkles."

"Maybe you cooked too long in your mom's oven."

"It's dangerous stuff, flair bartending and all."

"Are you trying to enroll in Companion school? Because I think it'll be really hard for me to fudge your information to accomplish that."
"I think she just succeeded in enrolling."

"And then it's pillow fights and cocksucking for the rest of your life."

"They're electing a new Companion high priestess."
"The pillow fight Pope."

"I haven't seen calligraphy this bad since Luke Kano."

"What kind of party is it?"
"A seppuku gorilla party."

"They're not having orgies in the hall. They're teaching each other about, like, dancing and calligraphy."
"And handjob techniques."

"Wow, Quinn, you just ruin one organization after another. First the Syndicate and now the Companions' Guild."
"Well, I ruined a planet."
"Yeah, but yours is easy to clean up. You just nuke the planet and be done with it."

"I'll explain to her the whole life-ruining thing."

Osiris, weeping as Luke leaves with the Alliance: "Everybody leaves me! Everybody leaves me!"
Nicolas: "Can you take him?"

"In case you haven't noticed from your past history, you turn retarded when it comes to family stuff."

"I have a real ID, don't I?"
"Yes."
"I'm gonna go get a library card!"

"You have a subscription to Platypus Penis Monthly?"
"Weekly."

"Mr. Platypus Dick does."

"I hate to break it to you, Captain, but you've got a booze hound on your ship."
"Quiiiinn!"

"I go to the kitchen and start loudly talking about how the cow whiskey is filled with growth hormones that sterilize them and shortens their life expectancy."
"This is for cattle, right?"
"Oh yeah. I wouldn't want to know what would happen if a human drank some. It would, like, sizzle their balls off."

"You should make a beer called Ball Sizzler."

"MMOAA - Massively Multiplayer Online Alcoholics Anonymous."

"No. The graffiti doesn't say 'Gamorr Sucks'."

"Diapercorn Ranch."

"How do you get good at shootin' things? By shootin' things. How do you get good at diggin' holes? By diggin' holes. How do you get good at brewin' beer? By drinkin' beer."

"Protein paste is part of my life."
"One boring, soggy spoonful at a time."

"I knew a guy in college who thought that bug was really beautiful!"

"Doc, ya's ugly!"
"Well, I know that Quinn!"

"Anytime you wanna talk about something, you know I'm here."
"Here to change the subject."

"I remember you. You're the one that was looking for the Newhall Leviathan."
"The one that got away..."

"What would I need to roll to vomit on command?"
"Vitality + Willpower, difficulty 11. It would be difficulty 15, but you DID just drink Good Deeds Wheat."

"I can't think of anything less arousing than vomiting."
"Good Deeds Wheat."

"I'm sorry, but in the name of good beer, those two have to be stopped."

"It's like bein' buggered by the pistol that shot your baby in the face."
"You've got a helluva way with words, Doc."

"What's in that crap?"
"Expired wheat-flavored protein paste."

"Lick the alley? Is this like dancing up the rope?"

"There's a fire hydrant."
"That'll dull the katana."
"Nuh uh. It's made out of recycled lightsabers."

"Team Makes the Captain Cry."

"We don't take kindly to burger folk."

"Pierogis. Why did it have to be pierogis?"

"I have 6 wound-y and 5 other."

"And the fanboys scream, 'Tom shot first!'"

"I've got room in my heart for two ladies."
"That's dirty!"
"Daisy and the ship."

"Unfortunately, our war hero is off having a serious discussion, so she can't be here to tell us stories about murdering babies."

"You know, Captain, if you do it right, the lady enjoys it, too."

"You know what's worse than doing a clown fast or doing a clown slow? Doing a clown twice."

"How many plot points have been spent on getting laid, so far tonight?"
"Um, four."

"I always thought that the first time this happened, you would remember it."

"You didn't get lucky last night, but you're about to get unlucky today."

"There's always a booty call waiting for you on Paquin - a manic-depressive, musical booty call with big shoes."

"Turn off the circus music. It's turning me on."

"She pulls out a gold bar with an embossed seal, 'Do all of you know what this is?'"
"A Wonka bar."

"It's the Star Wars Christmas Special in which all the Ewoks die horribly."

"Luke! Thank God. Are you alright?"
"I seduced the Reavers."

"I push the button that calls Birgitta to the bridge."
"Birgitta comes to the bridge."
"I love how that happens."
"Push a button, get a Birgitta."
"Is it a clitoris button?"
"Maybe if she was riding a horse."

"Here's the thing. The pod is halfway in the goddamned Reaver ship...and it's on fire."

"The two best shooters on our ship are also the doctors."
"I'm the best-looking shooter."
"But not the straightest shooter."
"Thuper!"

"You wake up, and Nicolas is sleeping fitfully near the hospital bed."
"There's also get well flowers. The gorilla has already committed seppuku."
"Impatient seppuku gorilla."

"Luke was telling the truth. If you do it right she does enjoy it!"
"Everything Nicolas learned about sex he learned from harlequin romance novels."
"Does it have to throb? I don't think it's ever throbbed in my life. I need to take a penis gymnastics course or something."

"They ask you about his history of alcoholism."
"It's a long and colorful relationship. They just broke up, and he's taking it pretty bad."

"Your doc is missing, and we have two dead nurses. They appear to have shovel wounds."

"That'll teach me to talk to the doc when he thinks there are Reavers around."
"That'll teach you not to wear body armor."

"Your NewTech vagina is sitting on a shelf in your room, also smelling a bit like bleach."

"There's more chance that rules will get broken if there are sheep on the ship."

"I don't rightly know why the doc is on the ship except that I was on drugs when I was asked whether we should leave him."

"I think the doc's afraid of hospitals."

"Are you flirting with Birgitta?"
"I don't know."

"You're making Dora uncomfortable."
[sings] "Sexual harassment - oh no."

"What are you getting Quinn?"
"Get her body armor that doubles as a chastity belt, and give Nicholas the only key."

"We're saving the world one chastity belt at a time."

"You're buying leftovers? You're such a loser."

"It's a Wonderful Life - Browncoat Edition."

[sings] "Step one - put a hole in the doc. Step two - put the doc in the box. Step three - put the box in the ground. That's Doc's Christmas present."

"What are you doing here?"
"Protesting."
"What, did someone give you body armor for Christmas?"
"Yes, but that's not what I'm protesting."

"Captain, you smell like me."

"I got you Grey's Anatomy."
"You know, Doc, if you do it right..."

"It's a smelly, dirty sock filled with coal with a note on it that says, 'You've been a naughty doctor.'"
"'Come to my room.'"

"Alright Nikki. Roll up a new character who'll do it."

"Sometimes he's really sweet, and sometimes he's really clueless."
"Sounds like a typical guy from Lilac."

"Are you buying sex?"
"No. I'm buying drugs, this time."

"One credit, 75. Very nice."
"Kill him."

"Go to the transit station. Find the guy with the blanket. Take the guy next to him and throw him under the train. 'Where did you get this?!?'"
"'But I didn't even know that guy!'"

"The job of the NPCs is *not* to dissuade you from stupid things."

"How many licks does it take to get to the antidote?"

"You should make out."
"Ew. You just had sex with her daughter."
"That's what you call the family plan."

"You're in sweatshop conditions. I'll come back to you once I find out how the rest of the crew is spending the morning."
"Lounging in the pool."

"They have two layers of deception. That's pretty impressive."
"Yeah. The layer where they're deceiving you and the layer where you're deceiving yourself."

"Treat your woman like you treat your vagina and you'll be okay."

"I have a plan."
"Does it involve fireworks? Because the doc kind of promised me it would."

"A victim at the curb is worth two in the burning building."

"We could talk about how the Chargers won the Cup. I don't really follow...whatever sport that is."

"I'm staying away from the children."
"Are they turning you on?"

"NewTech lunar new year?"

"You guys need to do something to entertain us. Either have sex or knock over a liquor store."

"When we saw our ma, when we saw our pa, when we saw our...sex brother."

"Maybe Nicolas and Angelo used to experiment out in the vineyard."
"Squeeze my grapes, buddy."
"That's better than 'stomp my grapes,' I guess."

"It's all fine until you start calling her 'my little swallow.'"
"I'm just never gonna tell him that used to be my nickname."

"I haven't seen anyone dress that unsexy since Luke Kano."

"His wang is named 'Hard Vacuum?"

"Chloroform tree."

"Oh they're so precious... Load 'em up."

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting kidneys. Ahahahaha."

"We can't tie her up for a week."
"We done it before."

"Well ma'am, I got roots. They just fly around some."

"It's kinda weird that everyone she ever liked had something bad happen to them."
"Maybe she's just a bad person."

"I call up Angelo and ask him if he still has the dialysis machine from Giuseppe."

"I don't even work in that department."
"Neither do I. I work in the shipping department, and I'm here to ship you to Greenleaf."

"She has to live in Blue Sun apartments for another 15 years? Quinn has a d4 Intelligence, and even she wouldn't be stupid enough to sign that contract."
"That's because she wouldn't be able to read it."

"Hard vacuum is not a flavor."

"Thank you for flying Batshit Crazy."

"The little bouncer doesn't actually do any work on Saturday nights".
"He's just there to collect a paycheck".

"There is no time when the stars are right for farting."

"They blew up a ninja right next to your ear?"

"Your sister seems to think there's things you can do that don't break the law."
"Well, my sister's wrong."

"It's the ship's birthday. The rules is reversed."
"Doc pulls out the gun and shoots the cat."

"It's fuckin' insane. It's like a Sardis Christmas."
"No, she hasn't fucked insane, yet."

"Birgitta should flirt with Luke."
"They were flirting."
"Yeah. Remember? I kicked dust in her face and she threatened my life."

"I contact Siqin."
"1-900-OLD-LADY."
"1-900-WRINKLY."

"Anyone doing anything before it's time to sign contracts?"
"I practice signing my name."

"When I was at Companion school, they took the stick out of my ass."

"You know what a queef is, don't you?"
"Yeah, it means to drink quickly."

"Is this Red Box?"
"Actually, it looks like it's smaller than a bread box."

"Osiris and Quinn do puzzles. It's what they do instead of dating, because they've been forbidden."
"It involves slots and tabs, and that's all that matters."
"And strange positions, since we're doing 3-D puzzles, now."
"One part puzzle, one part Twister."

"People find out stuff from stuff."

"I haven't seen anyone lube anyone up that bad since Luke Kano."

"I'll have to think about it, Captain."
"Maybe this will pay us off for your poisoned cooter."

"Well, what words would you use?"
"We're visiting Blue Sun R&D and taking home the following souvenirs...".

"I don't like them things what go on the water."
"She's reincarnated from the Cabal of Destruction."

"In case she decides to start a lucrative career in stripping."
"What kind of client wants to see sucking chest wounds?"

"It would be funny if we found out that Osiris was Quinn's dad."
"My season's over. Stop ruining my life."
"And then we'd find out that Siqin was her father."

"Wait. This wasn't the doc's plan, was it?"

"Are you going to put me in a box of spum and feed me to the leviathan?"
"You mean chum."

"That sounds like fishin' twice."

"Get a blog, you fishermen!"

"I need you to get this to work."
"You remember how well our equipment worked in the water the last time, right?"
"Yeah. I know. Just fix it. That's your new job."
"So much for my day at the beach."

"The only thing more ridiculous than water engineering is fish engineering."

"24 dolphin hours worth of sedatives."

"The last time I got up at 4 a.m., I almost got burned alive in a building."

"We have to get back to the ship! I made valentines."
"For all 8 of your daddies?"

"Your brother has been talking to you about all of the things he has been doing, including, but not limited to, your girlfriend."

"What are you doing?"
"Waiting for you to get back."
"What am I doing?"

"I'm gonna unwrap my package."

"They got things in here that don't die when you shoot them in the head!"
"What?"
"If you see anyone with a little glass rod, you run, Nicolas. You run, and you don't look back."

"You get two pairs of handcuffs; one for business, one for pleasure."
"Are the ones for pleasure covered in pink fluffiness?"
"No, but the business ones are."

Season 5: Siqin

"I can whiten your teeth for you. Just swish this bleach."

"When all of you are satiated on sugar and wine and coffee, Tom comes out and says..."
"You have 48 hours to live."

"Siqin's secret is she menstruates every 30 years. This is only her third time."

"Hook your boombox up to your vibrator, and you're good to go."

"There is no circumstance under which sticking a bobblehead vibrator in yourself is not creepy."

"This bar appears to have a rather Irish character."
"Yar!"
"Not pirate. Irish."

"It looks like she got involved with some kind of crime thing. But I've dealt with all kinds of family things, so I'm not afraid of them."

"It's a little different when you're dealing with cultured folk, but when you're dealing with the Irish..."

"I'm an associate of Ivy's. I used to meet her here sometimes, and sometimes I'd meet at her place. I'd arranged to meet her here a couple of years ago."
"That's some serious family planning."

"Did your cybernetic cock just threaten me?"

"No! I am not shooting anybody."
"We'll remind you of that in about 10 minutes."

"At the end of your season, are we going to find out what skill #1 and skill #2 are?"
"Sure."
"Skill #1 should be obvious by now."
"Knitting."

"That's what happens when you break the rules."
"What happened - head of the Syndicate get put in a dress?"
"Something like that."

"What are you guys talking about in here?"
"Things you don't want to eat if your intestines are rerouted into your penis."
"So far, the list includes corn and watermelon seeds."

"What's the urethra for? Does that actually have a use?"

"We're all having a big helping of Nikki's cock."

"We're going to airlift a burning barn and drop it on Quinn."

"You should play basketball. You could use the exercise."
"I get plenty of exercise."
"Scowling."

"The Clams of Hoth."

"I don't complain. I just suffer quietly."
"Except for the occasional outburst of tendon chopping."
"Hey, that's quiet."

"Why would you bring a cowboy hat on a thing like this?"
"It's a wagon train!"
"Looking at it makes my loins happy."

"It's completely made out of stillborn Reavers."
"You take a -2 step penalty to all attempts to command fetuses."

"Let's not discuss Tyson's mummified member."

"The moon of Hudson. A good place for scientific innovation."
"Don't start, Oswald."

"I'm going to blow up his truck."
"He took my stapler. I'm going to blow up a truck."

"You found a naughty schoolteacher and you didn't tell us about her?"
"There's no naughty schoolteacher in this caravan!"

"The kid is missing."
"Shoulda bought the Yeti repellent."

"We need to get the kid warm."
"Nicolas takes off his pants."

"Someone just admitted Siqin isn't old. We should write this date down somewhere."

"Taking a medicore pope in the woads. Like a dog."

"Instead of calling these trucks mules, we should call them tauntauns."

"You can see the wagon way back behind the caravan. It looks like it's been tipped over."
"You really shoulda bought the Yeti repellent. The Yeti are gettin' bolder."

"Once the other wagon is nearly parallel with ours, I grab my doctor's bag and put a hand on Lawson's shoulder. 'Could you watch the wounded folks in the back here for a bit? I have to go make a quick house call.'"

"You're going to climb from wagon 1 to wagon 29?"
"Anything else would have been suspicious."

"I would suggest that your crew lend their images to a promotional campaign."

"Make an Alertness + Perception check."
"8?"
"Say it."
"You're on fire!"

"Nicolas falls into a freezing lake full of drowning, flailing, pissed-off Reavers."
"The only blessing of all this is his crotch is no longer on fire."

"It's gettin' really awkward because we ain't breakin' no rules."
"But we want to."

"I just wanted to know what it felt like to have the doc inside me."

"...And go spelunking in your planet-killing cooter."

"Some day, Tom's going to realize 'Wait! These guys aren't botanists. They're spacers. Boy, is my face red!'"

"I'm investing in red ink. It's the only safe investment, right now."

"You should be rearin' to play doctor with her."
"I don't have permission to play doctor with her, Captain!"

"I don't get sick that much, Doc."
"That's a good quality in a pilot, Quinn."
"That's a good genetic quality to pass to our...I mean."

"I'm eventually going to ask someone about the Syndicate tattoo, but it won't be Quinn. She didn't even realize she was in the Syndicate."

"Putting Osiris in the valley was like putting a firecracker in an ant hill."
"And hoping that glowing flowers come out."

"I haven't seen anyone look that hot while puking since Luke Kano."

"The core vacuum is so much better than the rim vacuum."

"Osiris tells me about his personal life, sometimes. We're friends."
"You know, that thing you don't have."

"Is this the new Team Makes the Captain Cry?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Makes the Captain Cry."

"Nicolas is going to twitch so hard I'm twitching now in advance."
"In the pants?"

"I have horrible ideas. Like getting married to Osiris."

"Tie your asses in knots."

"You'll understand one day, when you're older...and pregnant."

"I'm going to be famous."
"I'm going to be killed."

"I'm going to brew experimental beer."
"What are you naming this beer?""
"Captain's Log."

"They gave me that Core medicine. I got one of those thermometer things."
"They know how to prod."

"Anyone have any questions before we continue?"
"Tank."
"That's not a question."

"Siqin, roll me Alertness + Technical Expertise."
"Our firewall's on fire."

"I'm the mighty survivalist! Don't go outside."

"I'm sure your time vomiting blood made an impact on how serious this is."

"If you don't forward this email to 5 Alliance officials..."

"Math porn."
"What is math porn?"
"Dividing by zero."

"I've been out of the loop for a lot longer than a little while."
"Not a doctor."
"Bingo."
"Not a doctor. Not a slaver. Not a dental hygienist."
"But I am an undertaker. You don't need a license to bury shit."
"Yes, you do. Maybe not in the 'Verse, but..."
"It's good to know a cat doesn't need a license to bury its shit."
"I have a license to bury cats."
"A license to bear cats?"
"You have a license to marry cats?"
"Do you need a license to marry cats?"
"Is it a shotgun wedding?"
"Is there any other kind?"
"The Doc is involved, so no."

"I'm going to keep track of their names so I can get them presents at Christmas-time."
"I thought you were going to say you were going to get them pregnant."
"Yeah, because you're going to make the rounds at the office Christmas party, try to get to them all pregnant. Then I will replace them all with my own people when they go on maternity leave so I can take control of the Alliance."

"When the Syndicate senses weakness in a group, they are like sharks who smell blood in the water."
"We know. We've had lots of dealings with the Syndicate."
"And with sharks."

"I could do something to help you, but it's not the sort of thing that would come without a string attached."
"Is it a red string?"
"What? Are you talking about a tampon?"
"No, the red string of fate."

"It's not incest anymore, but it still is."
"Your kids would still come out retarded."

"It's our Every Wednesday Two Helicopter Attack Squad Club."

"It's time for everyone to roll initiative."
"I wish the Doc was here. This is what he's good at. That and making babies."

"I mean love bots, sure..."
"This is a hate bot!"

"The plantation just got hit by black helicopters, and it looks like everyone is dying."

"So, you make him scrub out his barrel of indiscretion."

"The clitoris button gives you bacon?"

"Captain, I had a bad dream."
"Does Birgitta wanna sleep in the Captain's bed?"

"I hate you all - speaking of which, while you are all out finding ways to get yourself tetanus..."

"Birgitta feels like the unwanted kid."
"That's 'cause she is."

"Would you give up a sister to not share a bed with the Doc?"

"I'm here to save your asses."
"That's why you're going to be a shuttle-flight away."

"What's safer to mutate: you, or the virus killing you?"
"I don't know. Let's experiment on Birgitta."

"I've been having that dream for a long, long time."
"Yeah, but for us it isn't an erotic fantasy, Luke."
"At least I don't pick up just any clown on a street corner."

"What you are looking at here is some major brain surgery, and I don't remember giving anyone brain surgery."
"But then, you were drunk."

"You're so lucky I have no unarmed combat skill, right now."

"Doc, I think you've done enough crazy things that I just wouldn't sweat this one so much."

"Actually, Quinn would find it far more believable for someone to seduce Osiris than to seduce Siqin, because Siqin's a frigid bitch."

"We've got a killer robot over here in sector 4...and by that I mean over here."

"So you'll always have your knight in shining drunkeness?"
"Nah, he's just drunk in the lab coat."

"Now I'm picturing a tank chicken laying a tank."

"Someone put extra genitals on the back of her head."
"Gives new meaning to the term headbanging."

"So, all of you are putting your heads together over a muffin."

"Shed the outer layer of your skin and escape."

"You break it, you bought it."
"It's scrap!"

"The last time we got a robot, didn't you..."
"Squirrel it away in your room really fast to do who knows what with it?"

To Birgitta: "The burns are only on the front."
"Don't tell her that, you twit!"

"All 12 Syndicate families are offering a bounty for me."
"How much?"
"A lot."
"So, like tens of thousands of credits?"
"Yes."
"So not as much as the Cat."
"Well, actually..."

"We're on the run from 12 Syndicate families, but you're welcome to get on our ship."

"I totally told the toilet that you all were fired like a year ago. Hey, wanna job?"

"Woman, get a wig or something!"

"I don't remember getting brain surgery."
"Neither do I."
"It explains some things."

"Someone blind my inner eye please."

"Stop. Grammar time."

"I'm just the doctor."
"Why are you wearing 4 guns?"

"We've only been flying for about a year now, but it's been..."
"A train wreck."

"I'm not sure what the blackmail etiquette."

"Money is worthless here."
"Says *you*!"

"That'll solve your problems. Turn Siqin in. Collect one million dollars. Life is good."
"For two and a half weeks."

"The Alliance can't help. It isn't big enough."

"I'd rather have my head cut open than spend any of my own money."

About Gore: "Now he's fish food."
"Actually, I think he's fish poop by now."

"The memory of sex without the STDs?"
"No, that's what wet dreams are for."

"Take 8 wound."
"8 wound?!
"...You've just had exploratory, elective, invasive brain surgery."

Cast of Characters:
Luke Kano, face, played by Iain.
Birgitta Makar, mechanic, played by Eric O.
Mu Siqin, hacker and organized crime guru, played by Nick.
Nicolas Navarra, captain, played by Noel.
Quinn Navarra, pilot, played by Nikki.
Azriel Yovnah (Osiris), doctor, played by Eric Z.
GM: Beth.

Departed Comrades:
Jaya Singh, disguise and impersonation expert, played by Sarah. Currently working as a recruiter for the Companions.

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