IC (In Character)
Kai: I remember capping someone, but it wasn’t no little Chinese guy.
Kai: Are you guys playing one of them creepy role-playing games?
Melba: Will, what do you see?
Will: …She’s got a tail.
Arie: All I know is, these two canisters popped out of the little fat cartoon character guy, and then he ran through the wall, and that he had some glowy light over his head just like you. (pause) Perhaps I should explain myself…
Chet, after Arie returns home covered in Coke, popcorn, and Milk Duds: What happened?
Arie: Basically, Darla wants me.
Arie: Marta’s not here, so now I can kill anyone I want.
Arie: Dude, that doesn’t sound like a very good idea at all. Sure, let’s do it.
Chet: You know what happens when you assume, right?
Arie: You get ugly chicks.
Will: You’re nothing! You’re a hunter!
Will, about Mr. Saigow: I mean, if you think about it, he’s not that much of a bastard!
Melba: I turned on my second sight, and they were not human!
Paladin: They’re cats! Of course they’re not human!
Melba: Hey, guys. How’s it going?
Will: Well, Marta claims to have gone back in time.
Marta: It just seems that since we’ve known each other for so long, we can be honest with one another.
Arie: No kidding. I’ve known you for, what, four days now?
Will: [cocks gun] We’re going to Target.
Arie: Man, your brother seems like a really nice black guy. I’d totally chill with him. [long, awkward pause as Melba stares at him in disgust] This is good turkey.
Will, to Arie: You know, you’re not a very good Martyr. You’re a great hunter, but you suck at being a martyr.
Melba: No! We’re 41 floors underground! Don’t use napalm, don’t use phosphorus, and don’t use a grenade!
Will: Good point. I’ll use the C-4.
Arie, the Martyr: What?! I’m not gonna get myself killed! I mean…unless it’s necessary.
Arie: I used to have friends. Then I started hanging out with these guys.
Charlie: I suppose not everyone is born with the gift.
Arie: The gift of what?
Charlie: The gift of art.
Arie: I work in a record store. Does that count?
Chet: Oh, he didn’t like the prairie oyster, huh?
Randy: No, I think some of it got in his eye.
Randy: Sometimes I just get lost.
Charlie: Yeah, I’m the same way about art.
Randy: So my roommate blew up our apartment…
Paladin: Well, it’s not like every monster you meet you have to take home.
Randy: What if they’re hot?
Randy: He didn’t try to kiss your hand or anything, did he?
Charlotte: No.
Randy: Good, ‘cause I bet he was huuuuuuun-gry!
Melba: At least Lisa already has some respect for you because you lost your arm.
Charlotte: I didn’t lose it. It was taken from me.
Arie: One of the nurses here wants me. No, seriously. She touched my penis.
Randy: That’s because she was removing the device that had a death grip on it.
Paladin: You sure get beat up a lot, Arie. Do you just roll around on top of nasty things, or what?
Arie: Well…sometimes.
Arie: I don’t think Charlie should take care of the babies.
Randy: Why?
Arie: What if he tries to suck their blood?
Randy: He doesn’t suck blood.
Arie: Dude, he’s a vampire.
Randy: Oh yeah. Then I guess he does.
Shirley: Hello?
Arie: Hi, this is Arie.
Shirley: I don’t know anyone named Arie.
Arie: Um…may I speak to Shirley, please?
Shirley: This is.
Arie: Hi, Shirley. This is Arie.
Shirley, to Arie: Oh, I remember you now. You’re the funny one with the piercings and the big guns.
Arie: This isn’t a little puppy dog. Trust me. I just shit my pants.
Randy: Haji drawing a smiley face is not a good sign.
Charlotte: So I slept with Charlie, okay?
[Long, horrified pause. Paladin drops everything he was working on.]
Melba: Oh…my…God.
Paladin: Isn’t he dead? I mean, how does that work?
Charlotte: Actually, not very differently.
Melba: Isn’t he cold?
Charlotte: Only at first.
Melba: Randy, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re going to die a horrible death someday.
Melba: Do you want any of us to stay with you?”
Charlotte: Charlie will be here.
Randy: What?! Charlie’s not even a speed bump!
Hakim: I also heard stories about all of the strange lovers that Charlotte has.
Melba: No, I think she’s pretty monogamous.
Ryan, OOC: Yeah, she’s only screwing one vampire.
Arie: Well, we’re fucked. Better start partying.
Melba, in response to Randy trying to redeem Haji: If a cow came up to you and said, “I want to try to convince you to become a vegetarian,” would you say, “Sure,” or would you say, “Mmm, hamburger?”
Arie: No, I have a really good explanation for all this: I’m retarded.
Arie: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Melba’s mom is dating Haji. Or something like that.
Arie: So when we go to this house and start shooting…I mean, infiltrating…
Randy, to Arie: You’re the blackest white guy this world has ever seen.
Arie, trying to talk Randy out of redeeming Haji: You’re gonna show up and be like, “Blah blah blah, you’re a good guy,” and he’ll be like, “No, I’m not,” and then shoot you in the head. Or rip your arms off. Or both.
Charlotte: Why is it necessary for you to cut my hair?
Arie: You heard Steve! These are low-lifes! You can’t blend in without a bad haircut.
Charlotte: You’re not cutting my hair.
Arie: At least let me dye it.
Charlotte: There’s no time for hair dye.
Arie: There’s always time for hair dye!
Randy: Apparently there’s some sort of vampire war going on in the city.
Beth, imitating Melba OOC: You took me away from bingo for this?!
Charlie: Someone should teach Arie a lesson.
Charlotte: I’m not sure I like the sound of that.
Charlie: Well, we don’t have to be Shakespearean about it.
Charlotte: Get back to the
apartment building right now. We’re
doing something incredibly stupid and we don’t want you to get involved.
Randy: We’re in Edina. Bring things that kill werewolves.
Arie: Melba, Paladin,
let’s go. We’ll prove to the world that
black people can snowboard.
[Stunned pause.]
Randy: Arie, what color is
your skin?
Arie: [looks] White.
Randy: What color is
Melba’s skin?
Arie: [looks] Black.
Hey, this is a fun game. Get
ready, I’m going to ask you next.
Paladin: I was trying to ski
yesterday, and it wasn’t going so well.
Arie: It’s not because
you’re black. I swear.
Arie: I got all the
guns! The SWAT team busted down the
door on top of me. It was great.
Charlotte: You crashed a
helicopter into the roof of our apartment building?
Randy: Well…no. I miscalculated…and crashed a helicopter
into the roof of our apartment building.
Bergs: So the answer is
yes!
Randy: Leslie’s going to
go talk to some of the living-impaired.
Melba: I just handled
Kurt’s rotting corpses. I’m sure I can
handle his underwear.
Arie: Oh my God it doesn’t
matter! Just get rid of the fucking
corpses! They’re not even ours!
Chet: Well, do you want to
deal with the bees one at a time, or do you want to shake the whole hive loose?
Arie: Hive! Hive!
Hive!
Paladin: So what are you going
to do now? Eavesdrop on the guy?
Charlotte: It seems like
that would be a good idea. Well, maybe “good
idea” is a strong word, but we have to do it.
Melba: Hey! Hey!
LET ME DO IT! Sorry,
Charlotte. You only have one arm.
* * *
OOC (Out Of Character)
Iain: You’re not very good with refrigerators.
Noel: But I’m an electrician!
Iain: Well, there’s just something about them…
Iain: Turkey is cheap, which is good, because turkey is good.
Nikki: Why is Will’s difficulty lower?
Beth: Because he’s WHITE!
Beth: I’m Mexican, not stupid.
Beth: If he uses the phrase “bust a cap” one more time, I swear, I’m going into “cutesy berserker rage mode.”
Nikki: Is it human?
Iain: No.
Noel: Is it Asian?
Beth: Okay, the theme of our Hunter chronicle has just become the evils of racism.
Noel, on why he’s raising Will’s Intelligence: My character is just too dumb for his own good.
Everyone, at one point or another: Fuck! I turn on second sight!
Noel: From now on, no more trusting anyone!
Ryan: I don’t think she’d call me a dork. I’m really hot.
Ryan, about Paladin: Woohoo! He’s like a guardian angel who kills us if we suck!
Beth: I have a Library. That’s like an Arsenal of knowledge, bizzatch.
Nikki: Wait a minute. How does “fuck you” clarify anything?
Noel: What’s a good in-character way to tell her I have a Manipulation of 1?
Beth: I love how when we say “I’m not stupid” we really mean “I’m not Arie.”
Ryan, after being pulled over by the cops with a pound of ‘shrooms and an Uzi in his car: The Uzi’s legal, isn’t it?
Iain: Um…no.
Nikki: Hopefully I won’t die, because then you’d be fucked.
Ryan: No, you’d be fucked.
Noel: That’s because Arie’s a necrophiliac.
Ryan: This plot seems to be taking me away from my chick.
Beth: He got laid, she saw a werebear, he got drunk, and I got a pet monster! This is the best session ever!
Beth: So do I get experience or not?
Iain: No, you’re Mexican.
Beth: I’ve magically traveled to a strange world, and I’m wearing a school uniform! At last, I have become a shoujo anime heroine.
Beth: Damn it! This is no improvement. I’ve gone from being Mexican to being disabled.
Iain: Aren’t they the same thing? [laughs hysterically] Okay, that’s enough. Stop it, everyone.
Ryan, about Charlotte: Man, if she was, like, born missing an arm, then we won’t make fun of her, ‘cause that’s mean. But if she just lost her arm because of something she did, then she better watch out, ‘cause it’s her own damn fault.
Beth: I don’t like the looks of them there circles.
Beth: Chainsaws make baby Jesus cry!
Ryan: Did we bring any healing potions? Oops, wrong game.
Noel: Every time I think, “Oh, man, I’m gonna miss Marta,” then I remember what she’s like.
Beth: I’m kicking twice as much ass as anyone in this group, and I only have half as many arms! So shut the hell up!
Iain: Quiet, or I’ll make him rip off your other arm.
Beth: Sounds to me like a classic case of Melba’s problem.
Nikki: Randy doesn’t wear pants?
Noel: Well, he does have one point in Continued Exposure…
Nikki: Did somebody fart?
Beth: It wasn’t me.
Noel: I don’t think it was me.
Iain: Maybe it’s the impending Ryan.
Noel: It’s crazy Mexican girl Sanskrit. It was done in finger paint and sneezes.
Noel: I challenge whoever looks like the toughest subject to a drinking contest.
Iain: That would probably be Chet. Although Charlotte only has one arm.
Beth: What does that have to do with anything?
Noel: Well, if I ever saw you with both arms, then I’d think, hey, she might have a hollow arm.
Iain: Either that or you’d know you were losing.
Noel: Is Jonas married?
Ryan: Dude, you’re a guy.
Noel: What?
Ryan: Are you gay?
Ryan: No, I picture Jonas as doing whatever she wants because he’s madly in love with her. Iain, make him be that way.
Noel: …And God gives me new underwear every four days, so deal with it!
Noel: Randy doesn’t really go on “the hunt” that much. Except when it comes to women!
Noel, on why Randy is pursuing Leslie: Not a bitch, two arms, hunter, Innocent, and cute. Basically, she’s everything that you’re not.
Iain, on sending stupid drunk Arie to tell the vampires about hunters: It’s like selling someone a chocolate chip cookie with no chocolate chips in it. And doing it on purpose, you bastards.
Ryan: I’m kind of embarrassed about being friends with a vampire.
Iain: Why? You don’t seem to have any problem with being friends with a mutant were-lobster of the gods.
Noel: If only these people had known Marta. She would have destroyed them. [pause] In an intellectual sense, of course.
Iain: You can still get on the Judge. You just can’t have the Judge as your peeps.
Beth: Just because I only have one arm and have trouble applauding and opening car doors does not mean I’m less of a person!
Nikki: Well, actually, there is less person there…
Iain: The nurse takes you into the bathroom and removes your catheter.
Ryan: Sweet! Is she hot?
Ryan: Do I have any people yet?
Iain: No, you were in the hospital.
Ryan: Oh yeah. That’s right. That hurt. I think.
Ryan: I say to him, “Dude, you’re one nosy little fuck.”
Iain: Okay. Are you going to dodge?
Nikki: Charlie could sleep in the bathroom on the plane!
Beth: Yeah, you’d open the door and he’d be like “Goooood eeeeeevening.”
Noel: Is one of Charlotte’s short-term goals to get Charlie to blow blood points?
Beth: No!
Iain: What are you talking about? That’s what it says right here.
Beth: You’re putting words in my mouth again.
Noel: Along with cold vampire wee-wee!
Noel, about an Innocent: This guy has the Marta disease!
Beth: Everyone’s making fun of me again.
Noel: Yeah, but you’re getting more action than anyone else.
Beth: No, I’m not! I didn’t have a tickle fight and roll around on the floor and make out with Paladin.
Nikki: And if you did, you’d be in big trouble.
Beth: Sweet! I got Conviction for making out with a vampire!
Ryan: No, you didn’t. You just got weird points.
Beth, after Charlotte gets Haji’s letter: This never would’ve happened to Marta. Lucky Marta. She gets to be dead.
Nikki: Is Temple Asian?
Beth: No, I already asked that.
Noel: Besides, if he was then his name would be Tera. That’s Asian for Temple.
Jake: You auto-botched to kiss the vampire. Why can’t you auto-botch to kill the vampire?
Nikki: So do they have “I’m-terribly-scared” sex?
Beth: I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Iain: But you have to ask yourself, won’t he be needing those blood points?
Beth: I don’t know about that in character.
Noel: You’ll figure out eventually that you’re not the one doing all the work.
Nikki: And that his warm-up exercises are literally warm-up exercises.
Beth: You guys are disgusting.
Ryan: What? You’re the one having sex with a vampire.
Beth: You didn’t do it yet?
Noel: No.
Nikki: Do you mean with Leslie, or with Haji?
Beth: With Haji?
Ryan: You did Haji?
Noel: Um…no.
Iain: You’re fired. Fired from Hunter.
Ryan: Where’d I put my $6,000? Oh yeah, right next to the cat vomit.
Beth: Why is it that in World of Darkness games, you always end up wearing a trenchcoat?
Ryan: Can I see the gun book?
Beth: Which gun book?
Ryan: The one with all the guns in it.
Beth: Way to go, Arie. Your stupid costume for Charlotte has actually saved a life.
Ryan: You should’ve let me cut your hair. I can only imagine what that would’ve done.
Noel: Vengeance is mine!
Beth: Says the Redeemer!
Ryan, imitating Charlie: Out! Out, damned spot! I’m an artist.
Noel: As long as you pour blood on it, it keeps ticking! Even after it stops ticking!
Ryan: Dude, we can totally make Hakim talk. Remember, I have two ounces of C-4.
Noel, imitating an uber-powerful and uber-paranoid Melba: What’s that in the corner? Aah! My shoes are brown!
Beth: Mommy, where do hunters come from?
Ryan: Screw weapons! I found my new weapon.
Iain: This is where duty and intelligence go their separate ways.
Beth: I don’t think Jesus ever went around kicking ravers in the balls.
Nikki: Are you going to break up with Charlie?
Beth: No!
Noel: You know, I’m sorry, Charlie, but I met this zombie…
Nikki: He’s given me a piece of his heart.
Iain: You didn’t bring your sword, Charlotte?
Beth: No, I’m not armed.
Iain: Damn straight you’re not!
Iain: In my cosmology, Hermits are even more deranged than usual because one-third of the voices in their head are Twitcher.
Iain: Babysitting for you guys is like working for the Mafia: no explanations, lots of money.
Beth: This would be the
most ignominious death you could possibly have for a character—killed by a
toilet monster.
Jake: No kidding. “How did you die? Oh, poop killed me.”
Iain: So Melba lays there
in Manuel’s tender grasp…
Noel and Beth: THE POOP
DEMON HAS A NAME?!
Noel: Poor Melba…sucked on
by a poop demon.
Noel: …And it all would’ve
been fine if not for the fucking snipers.
Beth: Ah, the story of a
hunter’s life.
Iain: Ha ha. You have a +2 difficulty to swim in the
pool.
Beth: That’s why I’m not
swimming. I’m sitting in the hot tub.
Iain: You have a +2
difficulty to sit in the hot tub. So
there.
Iain: Arie! You came at just the right time. You’re touring a microbrewery.
Ryan: Really? I kill everyone.
Ryan: Dude, Charlotte,
you’re a college professor. Everyone
hates college classes. So no one will
care if you don’t come.
Beth: Well, maybe I care
if I don’t come.
Iain: Maybe Charlie cares
if you don’t come.
Nikki and Noel: QUOTE!
Beth: Just one moment
while I resist the urge to strangle our GM.
Iain, about being bitten by
Charlie during sex: It’s like a G-spot you never knew existed.
Iain: Well, when a vampire
with Fortitude 4 gets hit by a helicopter blade, it’s kind of like, one of them
has to give.
Beth: I start to cry. Crying girls will always slow down a SWAT
team.
Nikki: It’s a perfect day
in Arie’s life: Conviction, being drunk, and pretending he’s black.
Beth, after Charlotte’s
students start complaining about how she’s never available for office hours:
Yeah, yeah. I’m making the world safe
for your keggers, so you can all just go to hell.
Iain: All the worst ideas
are mine. That’s why I’m in charge.
Noel: Charlie, will you
Embrace my ex-girlfriend so I have an excuse to kill her?
Noel: Can I buy two points
in Demolitions?
Iain: Why?
Noel: To redeem things!
Noel: You know you’re a
gamer geek when your characters rank among your best friends.
Noel: Do we have another
tape recorder?
Iain: I’m sure Charlotte
would have one in her briefcase.
Noel: She can’t carry a
briefcase, dude. If she does, she can’t
open doors.
Beth: You know, it could
have an over-the-shoulder strap.
Nikki: Wait. Does she really have a shoulder?
Iain: Now the modem wires
are coming out of the wizards’ pants!
That’s how they plan their experiments on little old ladies! They’re gonna turn your friends into solar
power cells!
Nikki: I write his name on
my hand. With permanent marker. Take that, Arcane!
Ryan: Man, that does’t
sound fair. Their powers are way cooler
than ours. Well, I can pick up a car,
but…
Noel: I can just imagine
what the Minneapolis tabloids will say about this. “A giant were-lobster-scorpion of the gods was seen yesterday
clinging to the hull of a private jet.
He rode it all the way to Maine.
The pilot has no comment. Red
Lobster has no comment.”
Beth: Do you mean the
restaurant, or the character?
Iain: Roll Strength +
Athletics to avoid the suction from the jet engine. What a way to go, huh?
Beth: On the bright side, it
would definitely stop the plane from taking off if a scrawny black woman got
sucked into the engine.
Noel: That’s what we
should have done! Just hucked something
into the engine. Like Arie’s body.
Noel: Would you please
tell us at this point who else is horribly, horribly maimed?
Iain, about a spirit that
takes advantage of your flaws and mental weaknesses and uses them to drain your
permanent Willpower: I like this thing.
It made me happy.
Nikki: Well, whoever he
is, I hope he’s ready to get shot.
Nikki: I’m going to hold
my action and shoot him if I think he needs to be shot.