THE SOUND OF SILENCE
I learned so much in the years of silence. I think I can relate to how God must feel sometimes. Since I did not speak much to anyone, I realized that I was learning so much more by always listening.
All my young life, I had such a good memory. I believe it was because I always listened. I see people more clearly than most people do. But there was a downside to it also. I knew so much about others, but no one knew anything about me.
One good example, is the church that I have belong to for about 28 years and have been going to for about 36 years. As a child, I remember many of the old members that are no longer there or who are now older and have no idea who I am. I see someone I know from when I was a child, and I smile and say "hello," but they look at me at a glance as they know not who I am. I think about how God must feel since he knows each of us so well and yet many don't know Him. It saddens me think that He is always glad to see us and yet we don't acknowledge that He is there.
I never realize how easy it is to see people every Sunday and get to know them, although you have never had a conversation with them.
I remember their names, lot about their families, birthdays, and so much more.
I remember the first time I saw Cynthia Kay again. It was like seeing an old friend, but she did not know who I was. To her I was just a stranger. I felt so brokenhearted that day. Only a few Sundays ago, she sat on the opposite side of a small desk from me in Sunday School. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me as a child and how she made my life a bit brighter, but I just sat there remembering those long gone years.
My fear of speaking is still my biggest problem. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot get myself to talk to anyone. I find myself back in the past with others laughing and pointing at me. I don't know how to get pass the hurt.
There are only a few people that I speak to, and sometimes I find it much easier to talk to them on the phone. I can speak to two of my sisters with no problem, but with my oldest sister I feel so uncomfortable with. I can speak the best to only one of my brothers. And I only have 2 friends whom I can really talk to.
Even now I find it hard to talk to Doctors. Some doctors make me feel like I am two years old. Some don't want to take the time to hear me and just hurry through the exam. I have had 2 or 3 good doctors that I was able to really communicate with. One moved their office way out of town and the others moved their offices to other cities. I realized now that doctors are just people. Some know how to treat people with disabilities and others don't. I just recently started to write down my problems when I have a doctor's appointment or else I may leave there not getting any of my questions out or answered.
So I continue to live in a world of silence and my greatest fear is that I will never be able to break from it. I feel the Internet has given me the tools to communicate to the outside world. And until I can feel comfortable talking to others, it may always be my main source of communication.