My Story-� page 2

School was where I felt safe.� Although it was not the best place to be, I had a place to get away from the teasing and pointing.� Although some of the older students still would tease some of the kids and that made me angry.� Everyone had a disability and yet we were all different.� We came from different parts of town.� Some of us had parents who supported us, help out at parties and school activities.� Other parents never came to the school for one reason or other.� My parents never came to the school.� They were not only busy or working, but neither one of them could drive so everywhere we went was by city bus or they would have to get a ride from someone..

So many things happened, in my life, growing up.� Too much to write about.� But as time went on, I felt a sense of worthlessness.� I prayed to God and talk to him almost every day.� I was searching for answers.� I asked God why I was born with CP. I asked him why I had lived and why had my little sister had died.� I felt guilty that she had died and I thought that maybe she could have done so much more than I had done so far.� She was born after me and was about 4 months old when she died All I know is that she was ill and had been in the hospital.� I couldn't understand why she was taken at such an early age.� And here I was alive, but with so many problems.� Life to me was not easy at all. But I prayed and prayed that things would get better.

� My dad was very quiet and pretty much kept to himself. My oldest brother always mimic me (like brothers sometimes tease). If I tried to talk to him, he would mumble back at me and would ask, "Why don't you talk right?" I would feel so bad when he would do this as I did not understand then; that maybe he did not know much about my disability either.  I became afraid to ask or tell him anything. Now my oldest brother is special to me. I talk to him even if he doesn't understand me sometimes.
� My oldest sister would just tell me constantly that I went to a school for the retarded and that I would be taking medicines for the rest of my life. She really never stopped teasing me or feeling that way about me . When I was young she did not want me going with her and my sisters anywhere cause she was afraid that I would have a seizure.� So I was left at home when they went out somewhere.� By this time, I had two younger brothers.� I spent most of the time with them.� Being younger than me, they made me feel like I could do almost anything.� They did not see me differently at that age.� But the daily and constant words of my sister and neighborhood kids kept playing over and over in my mind.� I even heard it in my sleep, and I  began to withdrawal from others even more.

The Teen Years

In the 7th grade, we had a new girl come to our school. Her name was Catherine Cortez. She was quiet at first and I think she was sent to our school only because she had cancer and had lost a leg to the disease. Janie and I were still friends, but she was becoming more closure to other people and was spending less time with me. So Cathy and I become bestfriends in the 8th grade. She was such a great friend.� I felt I had someone to talk to and someone to share with about fears and life in general.� We talked about boys, although most of the ones at school were like brothers to me since I had know them for so long.� But there was a young boy whom I did liked.

He had come to school because a car accident had left him and his brother paralyzed and had killed both of their parents.� I wanted him to like me, but I was too shy to speak to him.� At school everyone called me shy.� I was not popular at all. I wanted so much for people to like me, but no one really knew me.� All they knew was that I did not talk to anyone (for fear of being taunted).
Then I came up with an idea.� If I brought candy and gum to school, I would make more friends.� So I started to bring a bag of candy and gum to school.� I would keep it in my locker and would give some to Cathy and this boy I liked, named James. Before the day would be over I would be asked if I had anymore candy and gum and I would start giving it out.� I thought I was making lot of friends.� But as I look back, I realized that I was trying to buy friendships.� I recalled that when I had no candy, no one talked to me.� But at that time, I just wanted anyone to talk to me.� So I continued bringing candy to school and for a time became known as the "candy girl."� But even though I knew no one really cared about me as a friend, at least I was noticed.

�
Married at 18

By age 18, I had been dating a boy for 2 years and had known him 4.� I was never sure if he loved me, since he was friendly to everyone.� I did not really feel special although I kept telling myself maybe I was wrong.� I think I wanted assurance that he would always stay with me.� I wanted a guarantee. But in life, I had learn not to expect anyone to like you without having some motive behind it.� No one just liked you for who you were is what I had learned all my life..

I know now I made a mistakes while dating.� I tried to keep him from leaving me.� But he liked another girl in our school also and had actually flipped a penny to see whom he wanted to go with, me or her. I lost the coin toss. We were at the school carnival at the time and I did not know how to react. I wanted to cry and I wanted to walk away, but I just stood there like an idiot. After what seemed like eternity I heard him say that the coin was wrong and threw the coin away. I did not know what to think as I stood there wondering what I should do. He came to me and gave me a hug. I don't remember much of what happened after that, but I know that ever since that day, I was always wondering if he really wanted to be with the other girl rather than with me. And whenever I was absent, I would be told that he had hung around her all day.So anytime I saw them talking, I would get so upset. She was always taking the guys that I liked and then would toss them like leftovers. I was so very insecure with myself and I figured she would get her way as always. I was always afraid that he would find someone else and I would be alone again.  I was tired of being alone.
We dated a long time, but we often argued over him talking to someone else, or me talking to someone else, so we broke up many times. I don't know how we even stayed together while dating, but we did and we did have some happy times together. It was just the insecurity that kept getting in the way. He was an extravert so he talked to everyone he came in contact with. I was still shy and would not speak much to anyone. He told me he did not mind me being shy and quiet and that he prefered girls that way. He also hated makeup on girls so he liked that I did not wear any. We did lot of fun things together out of school, but we always had arguments when it came to him talking to other girls around me. I always felt left out. After 4 years of dating off and on, I decided that maybe if we got married that would solve many problems. I had given him 4 years of my young life and I wanted to be sure that this was going to be forever.�I was tired of people leaving me whether it was in death or in moving away. Who else would even want me. I did not believe anyone would. So I wanted to get married and not wait."
I always thought he was my answer to my prayers.� I had always prayed that I would meet someone who would love me and care about me for who I was.
I was 18 when we got married and still in school.� We had no money, so we lived with his parents for a while.� I was still going to school, but I quit in December my Senior year.� At that time I hated getting up and going to school.� I thought I would be happier staying home. But I was not happy, so I decided to go back to school in March. I made up all the work I had missed and was told that I would be able to graduate with my classmates.�

I remember at our wedding dinner, we had relatives there and friends from my school.� I think this was the first time that my family saw some of the different disabilities my friends had.� Cathy came by to leave us a gift and wish us well.� She was happy for me and she told Joe that if he ever mistreated me that she would come and get him.� It was funny, but deep inside I knew she meant it.�
Then life threw me another curve as I lost my bestfriend, Cathy, to cancer.� She died one week before her prom and 2 weeks before graduation.� Janie had called me to let me know. All I remember was breaking down into tears.� My mom tried to calm me down for I was expecting a baby and she was afraid I would make myself sick. I felt that I was alone now. I would not have anyone I could call.� I would not have anyone who could cheer me up when I did not feel too happy.� I had lost my bestfriend.

Life went on and I never made another friend.� I was married and now I was going to be a mother.� My husband and I had 4 children, but life was not what most people thought.� We did not get along very well.� I had my problems and he had his. Jelously was a big part of my problem. When we first got married things went well. We spent lot of time together and he did not seem to care if he had other friends or not. And I did not have any friends except for Janie and we hardly ever talked anymore.

We both did bad things in our marriage. We both had our bad habits. But no matter what I did wrong in our marriage, I would always tell him about it and I would apologized. He would never tell me anything and many times I had to find out on my own or someone else would tell me something. And even then he would deny everything. So I never knew if I could trust him.� We went through so many arguments, so many hurtful words.�We were total opposites.� We had nothing in common .� We even argued about what we thought was the best way to raise  a child. Pretty soon it got to where we argued all the time.

When we argued he could easily pretend it was over and just talk as though nothing was wrong. He had a habit and saying things loud so the kids would hear and and so they would think that I must really be crazy. . I don't know how he wanted me to just put the argument aside.� Many times I did although in the back of my mind I always felt that he never had given me a fair answer.
When we had my daughter, he became so involved with co-workers and he always would listen to them about how marriages should be. That is when he brought up the idea that I should go to college in case something ever happened to him. I did not want to go to college. I wanted to raised my daughter, but he just kept on bugging me, so I gave in and decided to go to college. So my mother in law would babysit and it was hard for me since I had to catch the city bus. After going to college a few years, I began to get ill. At the time I did not know what it was, but I was experiencing anxiety attacks. At the last semester I went, I had to drop out of some of my classes. Many times I had to walk out of class and go to the bathroom until the panic attack would pass. I tried to make friends as I got older, but I could not find anyone who understood me or my disability.� So I gave up on meeting people.� I was a Mom, with 4 children, and I had God.� What more did I need. I did not know it then, but I needed someone who loved me for just being me.

Sometimes he would say things to make me feel guilty about not being a good wife.� He always made me feel that what I believed was totally wrong and that what he believed was right. He did not believe I was ill even though I was seeing a doctor and was on medication. He would constantly tell the kids that I did not want to go anywhere with them because I did not want to be part of the family. That really torn my heart in two. I wanted so much to go places. I did not like staying home. But my panic disorder took over my life. The doctors tried one medication after another and still I had some days that I could not even get out of bed.

As the years went by, I realized that life was not fair.� I found myself constantly in tears and many times I did not even know why.� I tried to stay in church and took my kids as much as I could.� The oldest were involved with the youth group a lot and I would try to make sure they did all they wanted to do involving trips, parties, camps and missions.� I was building a foundation for them to fall back on.� I always prayed for my children.� I ask God to keep them walking in the way He wants them to go.� I prayed that someday I would come to see why I was going through the things I went through in my life.� I knew there had to be some reason, but I just never could understand why things were going the way they were.

Desperation

When I got online in 1998, I knew nothing about the Internet.� I was very unhappy at the time and was really on the verge of ending all my pain.� So much had happen and I cannot write about it all, but my life had come to a point where I felt so alone.� Although I continued to go to church, I still felt like I had no friends.� I don't think I could find a group of people who had anything in common with me.� My classroom in Sunday school consist mostly of couples who worked and lived in a middle class neighborhood.� With my disability, no one really knew how to treat me.� I felt that many just did not think I had the capability of understanding in their level. Some thought because I was Hispanic that maybe I did not know English to well.� I was going through the same treatments I went through all my life, but now I did not understand how Christians could be so unfriendly to someone who was not in their so called circle.�

I was running out of places to be accepted.� School was no longer a place I could run and hide from the rest of the world.� There had to be people in this world that would like me for just being me.� I was searching for friends.� I wanted to belong somewhere in this world.�

As I began to learn more about the Internet, I began to explore Christian chatrooms on AOL.� I found a couple that I would go to daily.� I talked to a few people in there and made a few friends.� Wow, I was someone finally.� I had friends who thought I was a nice person and who really seemed to like me.� I thought I had found what I was searching for.�

But sadly to say, people have come and gone out of my life many times.� Although we got along well and we could chat about anything.� But like everything else, some people changed email addresses, some lost their computers or jobs where they used the computer. Only a few stayed close and never lost contact with me.� And of those, only a couple knew I had Cerebral Palsy.� Some had stopped contacting me when they found out I had Cerebral Palsy. I guess they decided they did not need me for a friend.� What could I do for them if I was disable and maybe did not understand their situations?� What kind of friend can a person who has CP make?

Conclusion

Each day is difficult for me.� I find myself always having to shield myself from being hurt.� I can't find much trust in people.� I feel trapped in the past.� I have never spoken of my disability to anyone.� In my mind, I felt that maybe it wouldn't exist if I did not talk about it.� But I realized that it will always be a part of me and I cannot change that.� For many who have mistreated me, or others with disabilities, I cannot say the same for them.� People can change their attitudes towards people who are different.� So many times we are quick to judge.� Because I have been judged, not only cause of my CP, but because of my race and my social status, I have learned not to judge others.� I know God sees all and knows all and He is the judge.�

Although this concludes my story, it only touches the surface of what my life has been like.� I will be adding links of some of the things I endured in my life.� And I know I will probably go through many more before I leave this earthly life.�

I will also be adding pictures of my school days and my friends who I grew up with and who I lost to death or to distance.� I am not seeking pity in writing my story.� I just want to be treated as a person.� I have feeling just like anyone else.� I might get hurt easier because of my past, but I still cry and laugh like anyone else.�

I hope to educate people about others who are different.� I think people should learn all they can about others before they are quick to judge.� Love is blind they say....Love is seeing someone for who they are in mind and spirit.