Life is so hard without being ill, so when you get ill and you don't know what is wrong; it can be pretty frightening. Many people are diagnosed today as having so many different types of disorders. As a child, I had seizures and was on medication. It was so hard for me to enjoy life not knowing if I would have a siezure. It could happen at any place or time. Although I knew when I was going to have one; I would always be afraid of that oncoming feeling. As I got older, I remember that something was different. I guess I must of been 14 or 15 years old. I was still on medication for seizures, but I was not having any seizures. But I was having the oncoming feeling of a seizure. What was happening? I didn't understand why I was having these feelings, but I was not having a siezure. When I told the doctor what I was feeling; I remember him saying that I was probably having pedi-mild siezures. In other words they were so small that I would just feel the uncomfortableness. That made sense to me, at the time. I went through most of my teen years on that assumption. I began to experience it more and more. As I think back, I realized that it was an overwelming fear. And in order to make it go away, I would have to lie down or be alone for a while. I never remember being able to control my seizures this way, but who was I to question the doctor. At age 18, I got married. I still had the same uncontrollable fear that I had before, but it was not as often. And I seemed to be able to control them more. The doctor still labeled it as a pedi-mild seizures that I was experiencing. When I became pregnant with my first child; the doctor adviced me to get off the medication that I was taking for seizures. So through all my pregnancy, I went without medication. I don't remember getting those feeling very much then. It only seem to be occassionally. And on October of 1977, my son was born. The doctor decided to keep me off the medication since I hadn't had any grand mild seizures in a long time. I was happy because I had taken them so long. I began my life as a wife and mother. I don't know how often I got these attacks, but I know most of the time they came and went. Sometimes it lasted a little while and other times it lasted a long time. I sometimes just needed to be alone a few minutes and then I would feel okay again. Other times I need to go the bathroom and just pray. Then I became pregnant with my second child. During most of my pregnacy things went along pretty well. But I remember that I was beginning to have trouble eating. And most of the time was during a celebrating occassion: a birthday party, mother's day, Easter, and other holidays. I recall becoming thin in the face. But I didn't think it was anything to worry about since the doctors already new about these pedi mild seizures. Then in March of 1980, my daughter was born. My first week back home and I remember that I could not get out of bed. These feelings were getting alot stronger. I always thought that I would go into a grand mild seizure and die. That was always my worse fear, and I was more afraid than ever. Well it got so bad that I could not eat a thing. Nor could I even drink anything, so all I did was cry. I remember telling my husband that I needed to go to the hospital; something was just not right. But even riding on the car gave me this horrifying feeling. Eventually, I made it to the hospital one day. The doctor asked me many questions and I tried to answered them the best I could. I tried to explain the symptoms to her. She was very patient and understanding. That was the first time I heard about panic disorders. I had never heard of that before and did not know what they were or what caused them. All I knew was that I was having them now and may have been having them all along. The doctor prescribed valium for me and I began to feel better. I went to see her every so often to see how I was doing. But one day I had a new doctor and so I had to start all over. I guess you can say it was becoming a repititous agony. This doctor told me that he wanted me off of valium due to the fact that it was an addictive medication, so he prescribed a fairly new drug then, ativan. So I was starting a new medication. The years went by and I was still having these panic attacks, but not as often as before. I remember thinking that I was just not going to ever live a so-called normal life. I still had problems going to certain places or doing certain things that seemed to setoff one of these attacks. So more and more I began to avoid anything that would trigger an attack. But it didn't end there. I was switched from doctor to doctor, and each doctor had a plan or a medicine that they thought would work better. I remember trying medicine after medicine, and going from one doctor to another. Some medications didn't do anything for me, others had a short term effect, and still others just made me sleep all day. Appointments, test, and medications, had become a regular routine in my life. I was becoming so tired of it all. My hospital folder by now was thicker than two inches. I even had a part one and part 2 folder. They held all the names of the doctors that had seen me, all the test that I had taken and all the medications that I had tried. By this time I had almost given up. But I finally got a doctor, who was so persistant in finding an answer. He kept up with all my medications and saw me on a regular basis. I thought at first that I was just going to be put through more test and more medicines again.
But this doctor became my friend. He always had a cheery or encouraging word for me. He listened to me and he was determined to help me the best he could. So he began with one medication and we went on from there. We had a long road ahead but we were working together to find that answer. It was then that I wrote the poem below. I wanted to feel better. I was getting tired and I felt that maybe I was going crazy. The poem I wrote help me see where I was and where I wanted to be. So to make this story short, I finally got the medication that helped me do some of the things that some people take for granted. I have also learned alot more about this disorder, so even though I still have some anxiety; it is more controlled now. I think the hardest part was the not knowing what was wrong with me. And even when I was told what it was, I didn't want anyone else to know. I feared that people would think of me as odd or crazy. I was not ready to face people's reactions. So only my husband and I knew. Now I have been able to tell a few friends and some of my family, but it is still hard to know how they will re-act or how they will treat me, once they know. I have met many people online with the same struggles and it has been a blessing to know that there are people in this world with caring hearts. I hope that this will help others to see that sometimes a person's action may not be his or her own. And that sometimes if a person seems cold and unfriendly; down deep within them, they are struggling a battle that no one else seems to understand. May you always find a place in your heart to give someone a friendly touch, a hug, or just a smile...God bless you all.
DOCTOR CAN YOU HELP ME?
HERE I, AM TODAY
AND STILL I FEEL SO ILL,
DOCTOR CAN YOU HELP ME?
I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING DOWN HILL.
I HAVE TAKEN MANY MEDICINES
AND STILL THERE IS NO CURE.
WILL THERE EVER BE SOME ANSWERS
THAT I CAN SOMEHOW ENDURE.
I AM TIRED OF ALL THE TEST
AND I AM TIRED OF THE PAIN.
AND ALL THE DRUGS I'VE TAKEN,
JUST MAKE ME FEEL INSANE.
I KNOW THERE IS AN ANSWER
TO WHAT THE PROBLEM IS..
SO DOCTOR CAN YOU HELP ME,
IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU'VE MISSED.
I OFTEN PRAY TO GOD ABOVE
THAT YOU WILL FIND OUT WHAT IS WRONG.
AND WHATEVER I MAY HAVE TO FACE,
I KNOW HE WILL MAKE ME STRONG.
FOR HE HAS BROUGHT ME SAFE THIS FAR
AND IF IT BE HIS WILL.
HE WILL GIVE YOU AN ANSWER SOON,
AS TO WHY I AM SO ILL.
IF THERE IS AN ANSWER SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
I PRAY THAT IT IS FOUND.
FOR DOCTOR, YOU MUST BE TIRED
OF SEEING ME AROUND.
I LIKE YOU, DOC, DON'T GET ME WRONG
BUT THIS PROBLEM HAS TO GO
SO DOCTOR CAN YOU HELP ME?
I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW.
- BY DIANE
Answers to Questions About Panic Disorder
Panic/Anxiety Disorder
FamilyDoctor.org
