| A small child of 6 and afraid to speak. Afraid of what people would think when they heard you. Not understanding why I was told that I did not speak right. Not knowing why others laughed when they heard you speak. I decided that not speaking was easier, then no one would know how you sounded. I did not know why people thought I spoke funny. Whenever I was at home, I understood myself and I sounded perfectly normal to myself. But people and time made me change my mind. I watched as Teachers took Janie, my bestfriend, out to the hall and talk to her. She always told me what they talked to her about for it was aways about me. They would question her over and over about why I would only talk to her and no one else. She would get annoyed at times and tell them to ask me for she could not answer their questions. Sometimes when we were in line for lunch, teachers would get close in order to see if they would catch something I would say to Janie. But I did not liked being spied on and I knew very well what they were always trying to do. I told Janie many times that I did not see why they keep wasting their time. I knew they could not force me to speak. I remember once in the 2nd grad, someone from Easter seals came to take me out of class. They took me to a room that had mics and speakers. A lady sat me at a table and opened a book and asked me if I could read a page. I just sat there staring at the page, reading it to myself over and over. She asked me if I knew how to read. I just nodded my head. She said that she was going to leave me alone in the room for awhile and come back after awhile, but I knew it was just a way of getting me to speak. I knew there were mics in the room and that they would be listening to see if I said anything. I read the book to myself and then put my head down on the table and waited. After about 30 minutes she returned and said she was taking me back to my class. So they struck out again. "Oh sorry, I don't like being rude", I thought of saying to them. "I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone." But I could not even say that to them, so back to class I went. I told Janie what they had done and she could not believe what length they were going to, just to get me to speak. I think many times she just wished they would leave me alone. But that never happened. I think with each new year they would come to school to see who I was going to talk to first and when. It was almost like a game now. Each teacher and worker would talk to me and tell me that I really needed to start talking. I did not see any reason to speak. I did my school work and passed each test. I did all that was required except for reading out loud and I still did better than some of those who read outloud. So I figured what difference would it make. Sometimes when we had subtitude teachers, they would call on me to read. The class would go into a sing song of she doesn't read. The teacher would think that I was mute so, she would call on someone else. Some of them would apologize and say they did not know. Janie was outspoken and would say, "she is not mute, she can talk, she is just shy." It was always a problem with subs. When I was in the 6th grade, I talked to Janie and Pearl. To other students, I would say an occassional, hi and bye. But I never really had any conversations with any other students beside Janie and Pearl. But in December that year, our teacher gave us an assignment to read and memorize the verses in the bible of the birth of Christ (Luke 2:1-20). I loved memorizing things and I always had such a great memory. Although I was the first to memorize it, I did not want to recite it even though the teacher was going to give us a prize for memorizing it. I knew it all, but I just sat there. The next day, Pearl had it memorized. She recited it in class and was given a hand by the teacher and students. The teacher asked me if I wanted to recite it and I shook my head no. Pearl and I helped Janie in trying to memorize it also. She finally did and was able to recite it in class also. So the teacher was going to take Janie and Pearl shopping and they were going to be able to pick out a gift. I really did not care about the gift as much as I cared about going with them shopping. They wanted me to go also for we always had fun together. We were like the 3 muskateers. So one day, our teacher said that if I would recite it only to her and not the whole class, that she would still take me. I finally said ok, but was terrified afterwards. She came to my locker before lunch and as I stood there, trembling, I started to recite the bible verses. I know I was nervous as I was sweating like the dickens. I thought I would pass out before I got to the end. But I finally finished and was able to go to lunch and tell Janie and Pearl that I would be going with them Saturday shopping. It was a fun day and Janie, Pearl and I had a great time together. |
| Breaking my Silence |
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