2001-04-19 - 10:13 a.m.

ah fuck.

i just lost a half hour's worth of typing. god i hate dial up connections! especially crappy ones that drop you every few minutes... bah! i wanna go home. but i can't. i need money. gots bills to pay. crap. oh well. i could just sit here and type for the next three or four hours until someone else comes in to work.

but i won't. i'm a good little worker bee. fuck.

oh well. in short, my erased posting was:

i'm tired.

not so much physically as "god i just want to lie down and watch the world drift by slowly."

...

i get like this sometimes. i know it's not good. i know i should be back in therapy. i want to be back in therapy. there's nothing stopping me. just me. so, i guess i don't want to be or else i would be.

i'm addicted to sadness.

have been since i was a kid... but now that i'm all growed up, it's dangerous. i let myself slip before. ended up dropping out of college, and i got addicted to an online game. REALLY let myself go. fought with mel almost daily. sometimes wouldn't eat. wouldn't bathe for several days on end... but i was too tired to care. i didn't want to live. i just wanted to exist... without doing. without being.

i'm not that tired now. but i've been there, and i know how easy it is to let go...

i can't afford that again. i've dug myself out of the dredges. actually have something resembling a life again... something resembling sanity.

bah. i'm too tired to type. i just want to sit here and watch the little blinking text cursor. ***sigh***

i'm gonna stop before i get too babbly.