2001-04-12 - 8:57 a.m.

why do we (men) tend to be such assholes when it comes to women?

no matter how anti-patriarchal i try to be, i can't escape my twenty-some-odd years of masculine programming... but at least i try dammit.

last night, mel came home late from rowing. i knew she was gonna be late. she had called me from her mom's house saing that she had an incident in the boat and that she was going to dinner with mom and she'd call me later... so there i was, almost 11 o'clock, pondering what could've happened...

i figured it was an offspring of the argument she and jill had with my pa-in-law about the men's team unilaterally deciding on when to move the boat across the bay for a weigh-in etc...

nope. it was a totally different asshole. mind you, i'm not saying that pappy's an asshole or even that this guy is, but at the time that's what he was.

last night, the wind was kickin' it up something fierce... there were white caps just outside of the ramp where they launch. when the coxswain showed up (perfect name for his postition in this instance... often shorted to just "cox"), mel voiced concerns about wanting to stay close to the docks so they don't get blown too far out. the cox just blew her off... noted her concern, and said it was his business as the cox and he'd take it into consideration... also his business as cox is knowing whether or not there are small craft advisories... jill asked him if he knew, and he said no he didn't. without checking, he took the gals out. within a few minutes, they were already stuggling to keep the boat steady and were being blown out into the bay. later in the row, mel voiced her concerns again as one of the most experienced rowers in the boat that she did not feel safe in that water. the cox blew her off with major attitude and he asked if anyone else felt the same. one other woman spoke up, but other than that, there was silence... the confrontation continued and escalated... the cox said that if mel wanted to go back, they would, but if she stepped off the boat, then she was off the team... what a fuck... she has given her soul to that boat. when the women need someone to get them going, it's mel. when a man challenges them to row harder, who leads them? mel. all throughout this incident, it was only mel who spoke out, but the general consensus when they finally did get back to the docks was that the women were behind her...

in silence. why is it that men get into that domineering mode with women? the guy who was cox that night... outside of the boat, he's the nicest fuckin' guy in the world... as a rower, he's a cool mellow guy... but get that sweep oar in his hands, and it's as if his dick just grew ten feet longer and he's got to whip it out and show it off... and it's only with the women's team that he gets so arrogant and controlling.

i can't do justice to the rage and disappointment and frustration mel felt last night (and still did when she got up this morning)... but she's considering what to do about this, and leaving the team has not been ruled out.

for her sake, and for the team's sake... heck, even for the coxswain's sake... i hope she finds a way not only to stick it out, but to actualize some sort of positive change in the boat and assert herself to overcome this patriarchal bullshit. i think the hardest part for her is that as a union steward, she has to deal with this shit every day and fight for her fellow workers... she shouldn't have to deal with it in a recreational sport she loves and enjoys... especially not during the racing season when she's got to head straight out from work and jump in the boat.

i SO want to email the dude and jump all over what he did last night... and what he does in general as a cox... but mel's asked that i stay out of it... so i will. i'll only speak of it here.

heh there's another thing for another diary entry one of these days... why men always feel the need to DO something... "what? he did what? well that's it! i'm gonna..."

gah! damn engendered society!