12 May 2003 - 22:56
my uncle Armi's in the hospital again...
he's having chest pains again. this doesn't get any easier. it's been a while since we've gotten one of those calls though. seemed like maybe his diet and lifestyle reformatting was working out. but Susan just called to tell us he was back in the hospital.
it doesn't get easier, because it's not really something you can get used to. i mean, maybe we can prepare ourselves, but isn't that a little bit morbid... not like i'm one to shy from doom, but still... you want to keep up hope. but then the call comes again. and you wonder... is this THE call?
in some ways, it gets harder... because it's frustrating... it's like, what can we do? you can't do anything except hope, and if you're the religious type i spose "and pray" would finish that sentence off just fine...
well, one thing we should do is not take time for granted.
after the first time he Armi went to the hospital, i forgave him. whatever i had against him, i had to put aside. mortality can have that effect. i mean, it's just life. and when life reminds you that it ends, you realize that there's really no reason for bickering.
i guess maybe that's one of the reasons i've been itching to get back in touch with people like gard and violet... to mend bridges while the possibility still exists. but why? they're not in my life. why should i bother to try to bring them back in? well, i guess in their cases, because i loved them and i feel wronged by what happened.
and with Armi, well, i don't need to be laying shit on him that's passed. or maybe i should just to get it out and dealt with while we still have the chance... i don't know... i probably should.
anyway. i just hate that people die. heh. i'm fine with dying myself. i was ready to die when i lay bleeding on that doorstep a couple years ago. i know my life will end someday and i've faced my own demons and made peace with myself. it's the living part that's hard. and when it comes to other people dying, well shit, i'm just not cool with that :P