10 May 2003 - 16:19

hm... 9 days since last entry... but for once it's not necessarily a bad thing.

i've had some ups and downs, but generally i'm doing fine. i don't want to get ahead of myself or jinx things, but i think perhaps that i'm finally on track and things are going to work out just fine. i've been keepin my shit together and on track. just makin sure to keep my eating in check, exercising every day, and kicking my ass to stay focused if i find myself starting to dwell on shit again.

had a job interview last week that i thought went well, but i guess not well enough. ah well, no worries. i was just glad for the interview. first one since i've been recovering. there'll be others.

had a date last week too. a hapa chick i met online. i thought it went well... but i guess not well enough ;) haha... chalk it up to learning experiences. hell, i've never really dated before. i can be a randy bastard online, but in person i'm an awkward shy little thing. funny that.

nevertheless, despite having those opportunities to fall back down, i've managed to trudge along. one foot after the other. one breath at a time. just trying to remain living in the moment.

got a new tattoo this week as well. felt the need for some joy and pain, and it's something i've been wanting to get for a long time. my third tat. all designed by me so far. this one is Earl the Satanic Mouse... a little doodle i've done since like my junior year in high school. it's an inversed pentagram with the star turned into a comical mouse face. most people who've known me a while have seen him in some form or another. he's always meant something to me. i guess you could look at it as finding something to smile about in dark times. so anyway, i finally got him tattooed. on my left shoulder/upper arm area. and around the outside of the pentagram, i got tori's lyrics "give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" from little earthquakes. that album especially has always helped me through hard times, and i've found myself singing those words in particular a lot. it felt right and fitting to get that now.

yeah, it was money i could use to buy food, but fuck it. this was more important to me right now. and i can always eat beans and rice. not like mel :P haha. man, she had a tough time eating the same thing two days in a row. hell, even the same kind of food more than a couple days in a row and she got fussy. guess that's one of the benefits of having gone through hard times as a kid. i could eat beans and rice forever :P

got a card from shannon in the mail today! woot! god, i love that chick. you know, if i hadn't been with mel when we met, i might've moved to florida to be with her. not that that would've turned out any better considering she eventually came out of the closet :P but who knows. we can always dream.

that's another thing. i've been getting back in touch with the dream. and keeping the dream seperate from reality. it's been a big help typing up all my old work. reliving old feelings. rehashing old ideas. seeing how my mind has developed over the years. and also being able to see what parts of my mind i've lost over the years as well.

anyhoo. things are looking just fine. everything is ok.

i'm alive. that's all that matters.

cheers!