18 April 2003 - 21:29

tomorrow's the day...

big day? hard day? difficult? bah i dunno... but it's a day. can't deny it that. i have no idea how i'm going to be. or mel. or the old apt. i guess i just need to focus and clear my head and try to keep it that way. these things can only get to me if i let them.

gah. i still get those shivers thinking about it. and thinking about mel and what she told me last time we talked on the phone. why's this stuff gotta be so hard? why can't we just be like

"hey, it was nice sharing my life with you, but i'm gonna go off over this way, see you 'round."

"ok, cool. likewise. you take care. don't worry 'bout me."

pfft. but of course we've got to attach all kinds of emotions and feelings and shit to it all. what's 8 years of my life anyway? grrrr. gimme gimme gimme, i want those years back dammit!

but who am i kidding? i never denied this could some day all come to an end. at least not vocally. man, was i in denial tho! if that makes sense.

of course i'm not fine with the way things are and the way they went down... but i've got to keep things in perspective. there's nothing i can do about what happened. i can only deal with where i am and where i'm going. i've got to stop dwelling and sulking and just forget about the world and how hard things might be for me. there's nothing wrong with feeling bad. i just need to stay focused and keep in mind that that's just how i feel. it's not how i am. that i can still function just fine and probably better than i think.

and tomorrow is just another day. a day that i'm going back to my old apt to get my things and bring them home. period. just performing a chore.

i can deal with the whole loss of self, closing a chapter, etc feeling that might be attatched to the activity... after it's done. when i'm home with all my stuff. if i feel i need to do that.

but for now, tomorrow is just another day. and there are only things that can hurt me if i let them.

and i'm not going to let them. right? ;)