15 April 2003 - 21:31

well, whatever i'm feeling, we're still gonna go on saturday and get my stuff from mel's.

i don't even know anymore. it's her life. i just need to let go and forget about it. who cares how long she's been seeing this person. who cares whether or not it had anything to do with our split. what matters is that i work on reclaiming my self and my life and forging ahead into the future without her.

sometimes it's hard being a dreamer.

it's frustrating more than saddening or angering. i haven't cried. i haven't screamed. i sat shaking for a while, and it took me a long time to get to sleep last night. drank a lot of coke though, so that's no surprise. it's just deadening. there's nothing mel can do to hurt me further than she already has. i just wish that she would either:

a.) be completely open and honest with me and just get everything out... or

b.) fucking keep the shit to herself if that's what she wants to do.

i'm pissed off more that she didn't tell me, than about whatever the heck is going on. i mean come on, i knew something was up. i knew she was keeping something from me. either she was having a way harder time dealing with the split than it would seem... or she was afraid to let me in on her new livings and lovings. i figured it wasn't the former because if she was really having such a hard time, then why split up in the first place? and why do everything to avoid me and keep me out of her life? no shit she's seeing someone. big friggen deal. whatever.

what's done is done. what's left is how to handle it.