14 April 2003 - 21:02

i'm numb...

that's about all i can think of to describe it... kinda angry, kinda sad, i don't really know how else to describe it other than just numb...

talked to mel tonight because we're planning on moving my stuff out of her place and back home... and she told me at the end of our conversation that she's been seeing someone and i might see some things when i'm over. she said she's been seeing this person for a while. she also said that she never cheated on me. she wouldn't say how long she's been seeing this person.

we're still married. is that cheating? or is it from when i moved out? or maybe when she stopped loving me? whatever. fuck you. that's all it is. another broomstick up the ass of love.

not like it really fucking matters. we're still going to be divorced. she's going to live her life. and one of these days i'm going to get around to living mine.

i just wish that she wouldn't hold back shit like this until the last minute. her excuse is always that she doesn't want to make things harder for me. fuck, man! i've lost the love of my life. i've gone through all kinds of total complete utter shit. getting knocked nearly unconscious and suffering from concussion side effects. falling ill and having god awful ulcerated sores on my legs. wanting to kill myself because the pain was so severe. yeah. and finding out that she's been seeing someone else is bad how?

sure it just digs the nails in deeper. it twists the spine and steals the soul and chills my spirit. it says oh sorry about that whole until forever thing, and by the way fuck you. yeah.

why the fuck isn't anyone ever fucking honest with me?

just fucking get it all out and give me a reason to hate you. don't spread out the pain over months and years. don't wait for the break to heal before you apply some shattering force to it again. fucking wreck me all at once god dammit! if i've got healing to do, i need to know how fucking much. i don't need all these god damned "oh, by the way..."s

GAH!

numb.

fucking numb.

and sick of it all.

desperately in need of a beer.

i'm gonna get one now.

sorry about the profanity.

just needed to vent.

still here?

thanks :)