09 April 2003 - 00:10
debating whether or not to add entries going back to my split with mel and repeat here what i've been through for the sake of completion...
don't think i will at the moment. what will that serve me? i'll just be rehashing the same thing i've told so many times over now, dredging up pains i know well enough. don't really need to keep reliving the moments.
guess for now i'll just deal with the emotions. the story will work itself out on its own well enough i'm sure.
...
ok. so for maybe the past couple of months now i've been on a downer. my mental and emotional state seems to fluctuate... and i like to think that each down isn't quite as low as the last, and each high is just a bit higher... and maybe one of these days the distance between the two won't be so great and my life might have some semblance of... well, not normality... stability i suppose...
you know Pearl Jam's song, "Black"? well whenever that's been on the radio lately, i've fallen to pieces. that song has always had an impact on me. i dwelled over Temple to that song. when mel and i broke up early in our relationship, Black was there for me. well, now it totally wrecks me. not that that's bad. god, vedder's voice on that song just hits all the right notes and tones... that song what my heart would be singing if it could... "i know some day you'll have a beautiful life. i know you'll be the sun... in somebody else's sky... but why... WHY... can't it be... can't it be mine?" fuck, man, that's it. that's it right there. for all the creative juice in me, for all my eloquence, i can never match the potency and relavence of those words for what i feel.
melanie was my world. where am i now? exactly where i've always been: alone. but now i don't have anyone to distract me from that, and it's been so long that i just can't fuckin deal sometimes. ya know.
sometimes, i get on my feet, and i get out and about, and i write, and the juices flow, my guts spill from pen to page, and the world is going to be fine... but slowly the darkness creeps in, the shadows slowly overwhelm, and i'm back under the sheets cowering like a child, scared and alone and i don't have a clue as to where to begin... but slowly the darkness fades to grey, the hint that somewhere there is light, and bit by bit i come back to the world... but for how long?
when i'm down, it just seems like i might fall forever... and not the good kind of falling, like in love... this is that sour pull again, that sucking deep inside the chest, that heart ache and soul moan...
and when you want to spill the most, you just can't. you just can't do anything but cower and wait and wait and wait and hope... and usually just when it seems you can't hope any longer, there it is, not a lot, but just enough to keep you going.
that's where i'm at. it's not really a place. it's hard to describe. but i'll do the best i can. and maybe in the end i'll be able to lead myself out of here.