28 August 2001 - 09:20

i've got me first office...

a little wierd for sure since it's in the old biohazard room... but we're gonna do a cleansing soon, you know, sage and all that mumbo jumbo ;) i need to bring in some plants and a calendar and maybe some posters or something if i can find...

it's nice though. nice to have a space to call my own outside of the house... well, pretty much my own... the only computer is in here, so people wanting to check their email do so, and when i'm gone they surf the web... yay.

anyhoo.

mel and i (mostly mel) really really cleaned hosue recently... ended up with five glad bags of junk and styrofoam peanuts and a large monitor box jammed full of recycling... she set up the back room as Her room, and it's really nice. you wouldn't notice at first glance now that the windows are nearly falling out, the carpet isn't laid, and the back door has no moulding around the frame... a quiet oasis in the mess that is our home... or rather the mess that was our home... can't believe how clean and organized things are now...

was a trip as usual finding a bunch of old stuff while going through boxes... i found a bunch of old diaries as well as a dream journal with one entry that totally freaked me out because i had forgotten about it but remembered the experience as if i was there while reading it...

speaking of dreams, part of my dream last night... mel, my brother, and i were driving through the streets of new orleans/disneyland when we passed an art gallery and i saw the painting my art teacher stole from me in high school... ok well he didn't exactly steal it... i stopped going to class, and he told me i could have the painting back if i finished the class to which i said screw you... well, there it was in all its unfinished glory... framed in a swirling cream and silver gilded wooden frame, the colors and images exactly as i'd remembered... on display in a gallery... with his frickin name underneath... i threw a fit in the street and wanted to break the glass window and get my painting back... can't recall what happened afterwards...

another journal i found was something my therapist had me do. this was when i was rock bottom after finding out why Temple broke off our friendship. he told me that whenever i thought about her and what happened to write it down and get it all out. i didn't date the entries, only put the time of day, so i don't know how often i was really writing... but there are several entries. he told me to keep doing this every time, and he told me that i would be ok and over it when the entries started to come weekly instead of hourly or daily... it was a painful, but really interesting read... perhaps the entry that hurt most was... well, actually it was a line in an entry... something Temple had said that i'd forgotten completely, and perhaps something that still haunts me subconciously... she had told me the making love to me would be the most beautiful thing in the world... looking back on what happened... ouch.

i wouldn't be surprised if there's not a deep gashing scar from that... something that hinders my confidence and keeps me from loving others to my potential... can you imagine? being told that making love to you would be the most beautiful thing in the world... only to have it actualized and turn your life into hell... ouch.

am i bitter? you bet i am.

damn.