2001-07-05 - 9:32 a.m.

i'm jaded...

reading hardrain's entry today about her turmoil (mostly inner now) with jenn, i was touched by just how much she sounded like and reminded me of me... of the me i used to be... of how deeply and completely i could love someone... of how many times as a teenager that i would utterly throw myself into the person whose affection i desired...

and i wonder what happened to that passion that drove me... where the romantic in me went... where my muse was hiding... and once more, i am reminded and have come to realize a little bit more just how deeply Temple has damaged me.

when i think of love, i feel a sour pull deep inside my chest... you know how your face puckers when you taste something really sour? that's what i feel like inside... that's what i call the sour pull... it's something that i used to feel inside as a teenager because i thought sometimes that i'd never know true love... and i feel it now thinking what ever happened to that amazing romantic... where did that soulful boy run off to?

i give all the love i have inside of me, at least all that i can possibly well up to give, to mel. and it hurts to think that somewhere buried deep inside there is SO much MORE...

oh how i wish to strip my soul of its burdens... to tear away my insecurities and raze the fears... to let loose my inhibitions once more... i should be secure in my life... i should be able to love as deeply and completely as i did... at least to be able to show it on the outside... i know that i still love as i did, but i've a great wall blocking me from showing it...

i don't ever EVER want to be hurt again as Temple hurt me... and i know that Mel would NEVER hurt me... but it's a fear i can't overcome... akin to that which keeps me from being able to be comepletely open and honest with men...

still, i hope... i haven't given up completely on myself.