2001-06-18 - 10:00 a.m.

i always chide mel about how her family celebrates all these fabricated holidays...

but ya know... it's not all that bad. it's hard to be political about things all the time. on the one hand, you're trying to promote the human condition by steering away from consumeristic consciousness, but on the other hand, since the true meanings of most holidays aren't celebrated, you're left often ranting to yourself while everyone else revels... despite consumerist fashions, the human condition is still elevated in celebration... that someone is making a profit off of our jubilence is simply bonus for the capitalists.

god, even talking about something that i started out feeling sentimental about, i've gotten political... this wasn't the case before i went to college... probably a factor in why my poetry has suffered the past several years... i went to college thinking i'd major in english, or maybe even get into the art program usf had in tandem with the academy of art... but then i had a politics course with a professor who would later become one of my advisors and mentors... probably THE most leftist member of usf's faculty... he awakened that which had laid buried beneath romantic ideologies and fantastic dreams... the activist stripped his hippy clothing and raised his fist in the air... openned up the window and screamed to the world "i'm mad as hell, and i'm not going to take it anymore!"

and i haven't gone back since.

but dammit, i wish sometimes that i could just be blind to the world like everyone else... that i could buy flowers for mothers' day without having to remind people that it was originally a day for mothers to celebrate that their children weren't off dying in some godawful war, not some holiday coopted by the american flower industry to boost sales... christmas... thanksgiving... etc... but i'm not jaded enough yet that i can walk away from the struggles or put down the banners or lower my fist or close the window... in fact, i hope that i have the strength in me to live a righteous life until the day i die... it's just hard to do when the rest of the world IS consumerist... when the revel in capitalistic celebration of things that should simply be celebrated and should be done so every day of the year... on father's day, I'M going to be the one paying for dinner... I'M going to be the one celebrating... celebrating the lives of my children, honoring a bringing into the world that which is most precious above all: the experience of being...

heh... i didn't mean to get off on this tangent when i started typing... what i was going to say was...

i miss my dad.

after reading Netdiva's journal entry today, i got all mushy and sentimental. i didn't call my dad or anything yesterday. but i never have. in my family, we never celbrated mothers or fathers day. then again, i was raised by a single mother for the most part. who would've paid for dinner or reminded us kids to buy mom a present? and mom's sure as hell not gonna tell the kids to buy something for a father she wanted out of her life. ok, that's unfair. i don't know how my parents felt or why i can't remember celebrating those days... the fact is, mel's family celebrates everything. and it makes me feel sometimes like i was left out of something in life. i know that's not true, but it gets to me. i'm human. it would probably get to me more if they didn't do so in such a consumerist fashion... ok, not so much they, but her mom. she's so materialistic that it partially drives me to continue to rant on. she expects to get stuff, and if she doesn't, you're in for a guilt trip from hell until next year and you better go overboard then or you still won't hear the last of it... sickening really, but i'm not going to keep on about that... i've gone off on another tangent... am i trying to avoid the topic?

i miss my dad.

i've always missed my dad. he was my beacon growing up. i loved him to no end. if there was one person in my life who i considered a hero, it would be him. ack, too bad he's dropped his lofty ideals and become a born again christian. whatever. maybe one of these days he'll see the light again. i really need to take a trip out to see him. and i need to get my license and a car. i would love to be able to take a road trip with mel out to the desert to see pops. hopefully soon. hopefully.

and i really want to move to new mexico.

how's the activist/union/non-profit job market out there?