2001-04-03 - 11:53 a.m.

hrm... i start my diary talking about honesty and openness and end up blubberin' on about the ball game last night... well, here's a bit of both...

i was thinking about it last night, while watching the game... most of my memories of going to ball games are with "uncle" ed... the same fucker who mollested me. i saw a therapist about him when my memories resurfaced. he masked what he was doing as fun and games... as tickling.

(i'm sorry if my thoughts seem jumbled, but there are just so many feelings that bundle up in my brain when i think of ed and what he did to me. hard to sort out much sense. so excuse me while i ramble.)

there's no connection to my pain and baseball games, but there is him. even at the games, he would hold me next to him or put his hand on my shoulder... but nothing anyone would think weird of, they probably thought he was my dad or something.

if only i knew. if only anyone knew. i'm a very peaceful and forgiving person... but i can't forgive ed... and he's dead now... so i can't reconcile what happened in any way other than with myself. that's why i wish that someone knew what he did when it was going on... i just want him to know what he did. i want him to know my pain. i want to take away from his life whatever fucked up equivalent of stealing a young child's innocence and joy could be. i wish that we could stomp on him unconsequentially. i wish that all the impure thoughts i had growing up that stemmed from his abuse of me could be concentrated and actualized on him. all my rage. all my discomfort with myself. all the feelings of alination and freakishness i felt growing up that inevitably stemmed from my abuse... no one can know... but i wish he was alive and that i had the power to make him understand and feel what he did to me... and what he did to my brother... and god i hope there weren't any others.

damn that son of a bitch to hell. straight to fucking hell.

i've never had a good relationship with anyone of the male persuasion since that shit happened. i've never trusted anyone since, not men especially. not even my dad. part of me probably blames him in part. if he hadn't been living with the guy, this probably never would've happened... then again, i can trace that to my mom too and say "if they never got divorced..." but i hate the blame game. what happened was fucked up, and i have a face to attach to the pain. no games to play here. it's just that i have to deal with this all on my own. there is no ed anymore. just a memory of a man... if you can call him that.

my wife is till hurt by him to this day. sometimes when she touches me i get weird and uncomfortable. i can't stand being touched on my stomach... that's where ed usually started his tickling game. he'd sit next to me (or us if my little brother was there) and start tickling me on my stomach... which would progress from there. he never penetrated me or did anything physically painful... always just touching and tickling... and he never exposed himself, was always clothed... probably how the memories managed to hide so well in my subconscious for so long...

well, if you've read this far, thanks. you didn't have to. i just felt i had to rant and let out some steam.

take care.