2001-05-23 - 9:10 a.m.

all this talk lately has gotten me down...

i thought that starting up this diary would help to heal wounds... but it seems i'm pulling off scabs more than anything else, and lately i've just been staring at my bleeding soul in the mirror. i haven't talked about temple in a long time... heck, i've never really been able to talk about her much at all, at least not with mel. that's one tabu area between us: too much pain... and ed, well, we all know about ed... i saw a therapist for a little while to deal with ed a few years back. that didn't help. he didn't help me to deal with whatever was going on inside me. all he did was tell me i was normal and not to be ashamed... well, that was all fine and dandy, but what the fuck am i supposed to do with myself? how do i DEAL with what's inside of me? he never told me that.

this diary is a good thing though... insomuch as i am at least fingering old wounds, acknowledging them, talking about them, and not just applying the cosmetic "i'm ok, you're ok" to situations... even though, ultimately that is the truth... the one big truth in life: "Everything is ok." no matter how bad it gets with me or the world, no matter how bleak it may seem, everything is ok... why? beacause good or bad, happy or sad, pleasure or pain, from birth to death, it's all good because it's all life and all life is good... kinda like in the movie "Impromptu" when looking at a painting of a tiger with a maiden in its jaws, a woman looking at the painting muses that she must be thinking "better to feel something than nothing"... and that's exactly it.

i just wish it weren't so hard sometimes to get out of bed eh. but then, it wouldn't be depression if i wasn't depressed now would it? ;)