2001-05-07 - 12:40 p.m.

i forgot what i was going to write about this morning...

i got to work, and i wasn't alone... usually, no one is down here in the basement but me and the aborted leftovers in biohazard... but today i came in and one of the office folks was down here with the executive director moving stuff around and organizing the back room... so i had to work... of all things =)

anyhoo... just when i think they're gonna leave and give me some time alone with my tunes and the computer, my "boss"/co-manager comes in early because his home life is fucked these days... oh well, i'm gonna write anyway... i need to write... even if it's about nothing.

i don't remember what i was going to write about when i came in this morning, but i remember that there was something i wanted to write about...

oh, yeah... that's probably it...

:::puts on his serious face:::

mel figured out why certain types of people frighten her for "no" reason... and talking about it with her friday night, i realized i have the same problem... there was this Turkish guy i worked with at my last job who i just could not stand... for "no" reason... just seeing him would totally ruin my day. i tried not to let it happen, but for some reason, i couldn't avoid feeling like total shit whenever he was near... then i realized... he reminded me of Ed... and that pissed me off... Ed... that fucking child molesting fuck, Ed... this Turk's attitude, movements, vocal tone, etc just totally hit some bad nerves in my brain... and worst of all, he had the habit of standing so close to you that you could smell what he had to eat for the past week... and he would touch you... nothing to fuss over really, and in many cultures totally natural and even expected, but added to his demeanor, it just mindfucked me... here was a man like Ed... and i treated him ilke shit for it. i felt bad about it and still do, but i couldn't help it. all i wanted all day long whenever we worked together was to be able to crawl into a hole, to be deprived of my senses out of harm's way... and whenever he came near, i sneared and lashed out in my mind, and if he needed help i told him to use his head, walked away, and mumbled about his stupidity and incompetence, wishing him away...

for what it's worth, i'm sorry...

thinking about it now, i had the same problem with my stepfather. christ... that's fucked. i never liked my stepfather... and i never gave him a chance... from the day he moved in to the day i pulled a knife on him and had to move back to oakland to live with my dad... there was nothing he ever did to deserve the hatred i showed him for so many years... but again, i couldn't help it... i'm glad that i was able to resolve any conflict with him in my head before i moved back in with him... it's too bad that he fucked my mom over and perhaps deserved what i gave him... we might've been able to get along. i did admire him. he was a writer and a teacher... two things i aspired to be... but he was a drunk and a womanizer... and i couldn't be happier that my mom left his ass...

and there's josh... my "boss" i mentioned at the top of this entry... i'm his oldest friend in the bay area... we met shortly after he moved here from new york in '93 and have been friends ever since... but it's a strange friendship... we'd do anything for eachother... but i can't stand him. i clocked him good once for no reason... and on the other hand, when he was at rock bottom last year, i took him into my home and helped him start to get on his feet again... and here i am. he's on his feet, and he hired me on at the clinic here. i'm not sure what exactly it is about josh that i despise. he's brash and annoying and loud and he get on your nerves really quick-style... but that's not it... his conspiracy theories get real old real fast no matter how much truth with which they ring, and many of his beliefs are misplaced, but that's not it either... all i know is that sometimes, he reminds me of my stepdad... and my stepdad reminded me of Ed... and sometimes, i just want to run away from him... or clean his clock...

damn... fuckin Ed man... what a bastard...

well, there's semi-good news at least... mel and i both realized that we are past the point in our lives of being victims and now we're just angry =)... maybe that's not entirely a good thing, but we're at a stage where we are beginning to realize the actual damage done and maybe... maybe we'll be able to get some real healing done =)