2001-04-23 - 10:57 a.m.

my grandmother died of cancer in february.

she was cremated, and since then we've been waiting to hear more on any memorial service. my wife and i aren't religious in any traditional sense, but we wanted this... prehaps needed it. yesterday, when we were at my mom's house watching my brother frolick in some foreign land on his new PS2, she said there was going to be a mass at st. ignatius dedicated to grandma that evening.

that set off an odd feeling... ok, mass tonight... why didn't you tell us, we ask... oh, it's no big deal, i just thought i'd mention it since you guys are over here, armi's picking me up at 4:30, you guys can go if you want, but it's not a big thing, just mass, let me know if you guys are going out to get a bite to eat, i'm up for that... um... ok...

then we asked what plans were on the memorial front... oh, there's not going to be one, armi and susan were wanting to do that, but i thought that what we went through with your grandma the day she died was enough, don't you...

bluntly, no.

but we didn't know what to say. my mother is usually the most rational person. how could we not have been included in these discussions? not that i'd feel any more closure if we had a memorial, but still... it hurts. yes, the day grandma passed was quite an ordeal. and saying goodbye was a relief... and crying when they wheeled her away... placing flowers and pictures of the virgen and grandpa around her... yes, it was all in some odd thrown together ritualistic way some sort of memorial and letting go... but it didn't seem real... still doesn't quite. little things still remind me of her life, and i forget that she's gone for split seconds here and again...

for me, i put a little bit of my grieving on hold, because i thought there was going to be a memorial. my mom had said we were going to have the services of the jesuits private chapel on lone mountain. it was going to be something very private and special and precious. so i held back a little bit so i'd have something to bring to the service. i wanted to remember grandma in that way.

but, now it seems we won't have the chance. we didn't end up going to mass yesterday... but even if we did, we'd have missed it. it was at 4, not 5 as my mother had thought.

i'm not angry at my mom. in fact, i feel bad for her. i know how much grandma meant to her. she was her rock. she kept her sane in the hardest of hard times. yeah, she was tough like leather, but my mom needed that in her life... and now it's gone forever. i can't imagine how she feels, but i know that this must be that hardest thing she's ever had to deal with in the 26 years i've called her "mom." i honestly don't know what i'd do if my mother passed away... and she and i are very much alike...

i understand her decision. i just wish it wasn't so hard on me. but it's what she needs, and i can only hope that my kids will respect my wishes when the time comes. i'll finish my grieving then. as i type this now, i've tears running down my face and i'm in serious need of a tissue...

goodbye, grandma. i love you. i cherish your memory and am grateful for all you did for me... and i'm glad i had the chance to know you as family in this life. i'm sorry i wasn't there as much as i could've been. i know how proud you were of me and how much you loved me. i still see the smile on your face when mel and i were married. i can still feel the tears of joy as you pressed your face against mine and told me how happy you were that day. i'd never seen you smile like that. i'd never seen you cry. and it pains me that i never will again.

hasta siempre mi abuelita.