The Addison Column

+++++

My public apology for having a life outside of the internet: To all those daring enough to call themselves loyal followers of Addison The Vigilant, I apologize for having left you directionless for a period of time, as was necessary. The required formality has been put forth and therefore dispensed with, and we may now proceed with direction and purpose.
So, today, in Biology (pronounced: BI-oh-LODGE-ee), we were discussing hemophilia and that people with said disease are being cratered to and therefore living and having children without taking precautions to stop their children from being born contaminated: By catering to the individual, we destroy the group.
If, however, we allowed nature to take it’s course and eliminate populants with hemophilia, then we would no longer have to worry about contaminants to society, as you cannot “catch” hemophilia. But that leaves no room for personal freedom or morality. We would all become a monstrous elite: By catering to the group, we destroy the individual.
So, with this in mind, there is simply no way to win with genetic diseases. They are more of a plaque to the soul and heart than one to the body. Man. The Musketeers were full of it.

The One, The Only
— []Addison The Vigilant[]—

1-9-03

The Addison Column

I think today promises to be a very unique time with a good window for learning and growth. I am learning to write, reach for things, block, strike and be dominant all with my left hand/arm. My right arm, you see, is crippled. I cannot contract my right arm at the elbow without considerable pain. Not the kind of pain as if I had hit something with my arm but the kind of pain as if a ligament or something has been removed in my sleep. Those who have had such injuries understand, I’m sure. So, anyhow, that’s what’s up with me.
So, everyone has heard me talk about this person calling himself King Ruepert, right? The same is Demosthenes who seems to fan a burning hatred for me while trying to write something discouraging in Ray’s guest book. His name is Jason and he is my best friend (but for the record I am Mercutio, if he tried to tell you different) and in the summer he is having a huge old-world hand-to-hand combat thing in his grandmothers HUGE hollow (I’ve been there, it is huge) and he needs lots o’ people to fight for his army (It’s a MOCK battle, if any law enforcement officials are wondering). I am planning on going if you were wondering just how bad of a Samurai I am.
So link up to his site (it is one of Ray’s links) and I’ll tell him to post the rules and a sign up sheet/page (computers: who knows?) and then you can...you know...sign up.

The Cruel and Benevolent
—[]Addison[]—

Post Script: We ask for only guys to apply. Sorry ladies, but that would be a logistical nightmare.

12-19-02

The Addison Column
-By me, for me, count yourselves fortunate-

Well, it has really come down to it this time. I never actually thought about employing Daes Dae'mar in my day to day life, but here I am. You see, I am caught in a rather comical tangle that (I am told) came about because of something I have done. You know, one of those situations where you don't know quite how they happened and everyone else around you is panicking, crying and just all out being hysterical, and you just can't help but laugh.
Yes, indeed my faceless compatriots! I almost wish that I were Cairheinin so that I could play the game of houses all the better...but being Scottish works about the same to. So, if Ray hasn't already put up the ‘responce to the Addison Column' function yet(I haven't been to the site for a little while) than when he does (we talked about that) please start responding.*

Wryly,
---[]Addison[]---

12-10-02

The Addison Column
- —[] []— -

Addison’s best joke:

So this business man who had a really bad day walks into an *AHEM* drinking establishment and starts drinking (milk, naturally). By and by a pirate comes and sits next to him.
“Oh, hello”, the business man says.
“Aye.” replies the pirate.
So the businessman looks at the pirate and decides to ask him an ice-breakin’ sort of question.
“Uh...how’d ya’ get the...ya’ know...” he stutters
“Me pegged-leg?” asks the pirate.
“Um...yeah,” the businessman replies,” that.”
“Well,”says the pirate,”I was in the heat o’ battle and I had me cutless drawn an’ I was right about to slit the throat of the enemy captain when I got me leg sliced half way to the knee an’ had t’get me peg.”
“Oh...” he said.
So by and by the businessman got a bit more friendly.
“So tell me, Short-Bob-Golden,” for this was the pirates name, “how does one acquire such a handsome hook as your’s?”
“Well,” Short-Bob says,” It was in the heat o’ battle and I was about to cleave the enemy mast in twain when I was shot right in the wrist...”
“Shot?”, the businessman interrupted
“Yes,” the pirate said,” with one o’ them trumpety guns. Anyhow so I was shot and us pirates with our terrible medical technology, I had to get me’ hook.”
“Well then,” asked the businessman (for he was a rather inquisitive fellow), “where did your patch-eye come from?”
“T’was a beautiful day!” Short-Bob exclaimed, “I was a the bow o’ me’ ship feelin’ the wind in me’ hair and the bugs in me’ teeth, when I heard a seagull! I looked up and he caught me right in the eye!”
“Wow!” the businessman replied, “I didn’t know a seagull could do that to ya’.”
“Well,” the pirate said, “normally he couldn’t, but it was me’ first day me’ new hook.”

-Addison-

11-13-02

The Addison Column
-On my mark-

Today is another one of those instructional Addison Columns. Today we are talking about how to deal with smugness. As we are going to be talking about specific groups of people, I would like to tell you to deal with it in advance.
The easiest group to deal with by far is girls. Girls have the hardest time dealing with secrets...I know not why, nor do I make any statement pertaining to inferiority, but the fact remains. I think the biggest part of their Secrets issue is this ditzy image created by society...but this isn’t a society flaming column, so let’s continue.
The biggest problem girls have is that they always try to drop subtle hints, but usually this subtly is not syncronized. With 15 dropped informatives, one can easily puzzle-out the desired information. This is not singular to girls, but happens most often in their circles.

(Wince),
-Addison-

11-11-02

The Addison Column
-Ca Va?-

The following material is a french joke. It will only make sense to those who speak french:

Today, my french teacher was teaching about how everything french has a gender. For example, a male student would be referred to as un etudiant. A female student would be referred to as une etudiante. When she got done with this she asked my friend Bethany if it all made sense. "Yes, madame." she said, "but is that referring to the desks or the chairs?"
(This really happened)

Okay. Down to business.

I need to help of all loyal Columnairs (devout readers of the teachings of the Addison Column) to pull all the strings and pick all the bones available to them. We need to spread the enlightenment around, you know? By this, I can start taking suggestions on what to write about.

Ummm...me,
-yup-

10-30-02
The Addison Column
-HMMMM!-

Today, we are going to discuss the REAL way to survive school. All you really need to know is how to act like a wolf. No. How to BE a wolf.
The first thing you need to know about school-wolfery is who is the worst. Debate. The Debate classes, clubs, and teams just get worse and worse, in that order. You may suppose that they are friendly because of smiling faces and alluring words: not so. They can be diplomatic as a group, but never is Debate collectively friendly. Sure, as individuals they can be totally cool and friendly, but as soon as they get together and become the A.O.H. (Army of Hostility) than you basically have three options:
1. You can be silent and just have to live with a weakling reputation.
2. You can turn things into a fist fight.
3. You can turn around and say you need to go read (or in my case write) the Addison Column. I suggest option three.
Trust me, I've seen it.

Ya' know what. This is going to be the first Addison Column series.
"Tune in next time for `The notes of a Drama-freak-insider.'"

That's all for today,
-The Me in You-

10-29-02

The Addison Column
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

In my very professional profession it has become apparent to me how cruel people are. People are always trying to trap you in your own words. Like debate students. Here is the Addison Column official address to Debate students:

To the wielders of silver tongues,
Congratulations for finding something you are proud of and passionate about. We fully support and endorse you sharpening you blade-tipped-tongues on the appropriate people at the appropriate times. On occasion, some times it is appropriate to meet opposition with a fiery disposition and heated words...fighting fire with fire, so to speak. All we ask of you is that you do not always try to practice on us, the pacifists. We do not feel comfortable in an environment where the people we thought we could count on are trying to show us how wrong we always are and trying to "force us back on the deadly spikes of our own arguments." This is not because we are afraid of being wrong or fear being made to look foolish, but because we do not seek tension and wish for all things to be in harmony. And if you do, by some pivotal thought of yours, take it into opinion that some of our thoughts, opinions or beliefs are incorrect (contradictory to yours)
than by the sheer nature of error we should fail or fall by these thoughts, and thus revert to the right and natural way of things.
Once again, do not practice debate with us. No matter how much you deny it, it is the nature of people to want to practice a thing they enjoy.

The only 15-year-old without all the answers,
Addison, a Taoist

10-25-02
The Addison Column
-By mandate of King Ruepert (snicker)-

Well, it has started. I have seen more Addison-Column-mimicry than I ever expected to. So many of them like "Ray's Stories" at www.geocities.com/poafnoggin. Or "Advice with King Ruepert at www.geocities.com/KingRuepert. If these are hyperlinks than you can, in theory, check them out. You have my official permission.
So, onto real business. Have you noticed yet how immune the world is getting to exclusive praise? Example: today, I was walking with one of my friends in the hallways, let's call her...Duke. So she said that she was feeling bad.
"You shouldn't feel bad," I sais," because you are the coolest person in the world."
"A 'B' is taking down my GPA and it's really bugging be because..."
Can you believe that? The coolest person, I said! That's an exclusive statement! Perhaps I am just to freakin' nice...wait, nice isn't the right word...Ah! Cool! That's it!

The epitome of orange belts,
-Addison Stuart-

10-24-02
The Addison Column
-Show me the way to the next whiskey bar...-

Today, I was told that I am to social. My English (Honors, actually) told me that I'm not getting my work done because I am to focused on social matters and not those of the world of Academia, she thinks. She did not say these things hurtfully and I did not take them to be so: I hold no resentment. She even asked me if she had hurt my feelings.
The real reason I am struggling in class, though, is a far different matter. As some of my *ahem* dedicated readers already know, I have terrible hand writing. That is why we type the Addison Column. And the reason why I am not getting my work done in English(H) is I am trying to write legibly and it is taking a little while to learn.
The big reason for all of this (and this is all hypothetical) is that my mother died when I was in second grade (the age when parents (mothers) teach their children to print) so this never happened and I form most of my letters "backwards" according to the rest of the Confucianistic world. But hey.
So the real message is this: all those of you who are skeptical and are in a judging position (judges, for instance) you MUST not take it into your own hands to decide the motive and cause for a happening.

(The above statement includes all of the teachers that ray invites to view his *ahem* page.

The ever-pondering oak tree of the ages,
-Addison, destroyer of worlds.

10-23-02
The Addison Column
-The Universe, ECT.-

Today a friend of mine said that it's okay and meant to be that a person can be a great performer and not be able to teach the art...and that's okay. This, is wrong. She said that if a person is a great angler, they can catch many fish for their families and not have to teach anyone to fish and this is acceptable. What an invitation. I resisted my impulsive response (give a man a fish...) And explained that if the family was all taught to fish that there would be less work and they could eat dinner before eleven every night.
But such is the way of complex people. For I...am a simple columnist and do not understand the ways of the complicated or the implied. But so I do know the ways of the simple and how do I know? By the this.

The yin to your yang,
-Addison-

Post Script: when Ray gets an I-pod, I'll get some pics up maybe.

10-22-02
The Addison Column
-FRESH FISH!-

Brim-fill the bowl,
It'll spill over.
Keep sharpening the blade,
You'll soon blunt it.

-Tao Te Ching, chapter 9-

So, I've heard reports of a war with China. Well of course! They will attack us just as soon as they have had enough of our inspecting the nuclear weapons of all of their subordinate countries. It was President bushes fault that this is going to happen. He had to keep sharpening the blade. For now we should stick with killing Al qieda.

Have you heard about this sniper fellow? He calls himself God because he drives around and shoots people. So, this is my formal address to you, the "sniper" :

If you ever put down the gun and learn to read, this is the first thing that you should. God is one of wisdom and love. Killing does not make you a god. It makes you a killer. If you ever do manage to ascend to the literature of the Addison Column, I personally challenge you to write me back concerning your thoughts on my message.

Dear policeman, I am writer,

-Addison the columnist-

10-18-02
The Addison Column
-Happy Boss Day!-

Today, Addison is going to reveal some of the massive secrets of the universe. *ahem*

Basic Rules:
1. Avoid all unnecessary conflict and confrontation. This includes arguments, debates,
fist-fights, outbursts, etc. Do not assume this means to only avoid people who are notorious for this kind of activity: Avoid these things within your self.
2.Seek balance in every aspect of your life. With equal priority for all activities, you are in harmony with your environment and the things and people around you.
3. YOU NEED FRIENDS!!! Companionship is just as important than food, water or (this is kind of a stretch) reading The Addison Column. Don’t let anyone tell you other wise.
4. You are not the only person around you. If you have not already noticed, there are more people (plural) than you (singular). You need to do things to interact with these people. Maybe it’s just saying hi to some one in the hall...but do something!
5. Develop some thing...some talent that you are good at. Being successful is almost as important as the friend thing. I recommend Dan Zan Ryu Jujitsu, but then I’m biased.

-The Poster Childe of individuality-
Kanji Otoko IV

10-9-02
The Addison Column
-0110001111001001-

In one of my school classes the other day, we were talking about the Roman Empire. The essay question for the quiz went as follows: "Was the Romans killing animals any worse than the deer hunt today?" end quote. Can you believe that?!? Not only was awkward sentence structure present (such things are important to me as I am an Internet Columnist (refer to above title)) but the question was also preposterous. My answer was as follows : The staring differences should be obvious to a prestigious college goer, not unlike your self. The Deer Hunt is for food and family, while the Animal kill is for the pleasure of the carnal (Roman) man.

-for Katie
-Addison the Valiant-

Post script: did ya' see my new icon?

10-7-02
The Addison Column
-HOOAH!-

Today, I vindictively write to stop C.A.S. : Cheer-Abuse-Syndrome. You see, the general consensus is that cheer-leaders are uppity, Immoral, stupid and overall blonde (my apologies to all of Ray's *ahem* acquaintances). This is not the case. Some of my best friends are cheer-leaders and they all are VERY concerned about their academic welfare.
Cheer-leading, you see, is not only very expensive. Oh, no. but along with all the money and physique it takes, cheer-leading also takes a 3.5 grade-point average. Many a-time has Addison seen Cheer-leaders scrambling around the class-room, trying to do something to raise their grade. Not because they are stupid or lazy, but because they always feel that they aren't good enough.
Cheerleaders have massive inferiority complex. Anorexia, Depression, Poor self-esteem and the like are not the causes, but the results. The results of a general consensus of hatred. Hatred of cheerleaders by peers, teachers, athletes...and even themselves. So with all of that, do they really need your hate...too?

For Alicia-
-Addison-

10-4-02
[]The Addison Column[]
-(O..o)-

Today was kinda' depressing. I take French, right? ( for reasons other than popularly speculated) and there was this girl in my class who didn't know how to -get this!- TELL TIME ON A FACE CLOCK!!!! I mean come on! What kind of state is America in if we don't know the very basics of...of...LIFE! Oh! And guess what her excuse was: "my parents only have digital clocks, so I don't know." end quote. I was upset.

The eloquent and masterful,
-Dude with the stuff-

10-3-02
-The Addison Column-
-Huh?-
Well my (*ahem*) loyal fans, I should think this is going to be the most provocative Column yet. As I am writing from the darkest, most unused corner of my demented and stipulated mind. You see, I have been abusing Zen today. Yes, that's right, abusing Zen. Please allow for a definition.

Zen Abuse: The over usage of Zen abilities without proper instruction of the use thereof.

I have discovered that human capacity is relatively limitless, but comes with a costly catch .22 for over-driven action. You see, I have noticed that I am very capable of writing A-worthy, 5-paragraph essays in under five minutes. But in this way, I have exhausted my mental and physical capacities, as the spell checker is my one true friend right now.

The physical embodiment of all of Ray's psycho-freaky pictures,
Addison The Omnipresent

10-2-02
The Addison Column
-brought to you by the letter E-

So, has anyone else noticed the glaring lack of responsibility in the world? It seems a certain anonymous group (women, cough, cough) are using their inborn super powers for their own amusement. Example: you know when your talking to a girl, right? And she has the worst, emptiest and pathetic arguments you've ever heard. So you go in for the kill, and strike the finishing blow. "Well" you think, "I guess I've won..." When she drops her head and looks a the floor. You almost start to smile as she raises her head with that one-eyebrow-raised half smirk on her face...and BAM!...your blown out of the water.
That is how it is supposed to be used, but (as I am sure you have noticed) it is being used irresponsibly and childishly. So, with this in mind, I have composed a few basic safety tips:

1. Box a tiger ; and win
2. Swim to China
3. Demolish a brick wall with your forehead
4. Attempt flight by jumping off your house (we've all tried)
5. Remember to bring a #2 pencil to school on a test day
6. Read Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter

And once you've attempted all of that, you'll have gained an appreciation for the futility that inevitably is linked to arguing with women.
And remember...YOU JUST CAN'T WIN!!!

I'm Addison Nosidda, good night

9-30-02
The Addison Column
-Addison International-

So, among the most akward social issues today, it appears that fighting is the worst. Why, do you ask? I've decided to blame it on society. You see, when Europe caved & Hitler took over, The Nazis (pronounced Nah-Zees) instated a uniform, one-size-fits-all utopia. Among their most draconian laws was a no violence policy(no comic books, combat training, movies, etc.). Sounds pretty Jim-perfect then, mmm? But then the Nazis (remember the pronunciation) noticed that there was a whole ton o' acts of public violence....
MORE TO COME. BE PATIENT!

9-27-02
The Addison Column
-by someone else-

So, it appears that the federal bureau of investigation has released a statement that they think that Sadam Hussein is an alledged official.
...mm...so? It seems that the formerly known FBI should now be called the FBISQ (Federal Bureau of Investegating Stupid Questions!) For instance: once youve seen one Middle-East-Zealot-Terrorist... HAVE you seen them all?


Click on a date below to read the Addison Column written on that date:
2002		2003	2004	2005
9-27-02 9-30-02 10-2-02 10-3-02 10-4-02 10-7-02 10-9-02 10-18-02 10-22-02	10-23-02 10-24-02 10-25-02 10-29-02 10-30-02 11-11-02 11-13-02 12-10-02 12-19-02	1-9-03 2-28-03	no columns written due to author sabbatical	7-7-05
Columns separated with a . 7-7-05 The Internet: Public Enemy Number One One of the most valuable human analytical skills is the ability to think linear thoughts. The prime example of this is a mathematic model. Two plus two, for instance, is equal to four. This kind of thinking only works when a person has the ability to think from the beginning of a problem to the end-- left to right. Reading books and performing mathematic equations aided society in this for a time. When you read a book, you read from the start to the finish-- logically and sequentially. When you perform a math equation, there are rules of order with which to function-- also linear. This time of linear thought draws near an end, however. Now, there is an easier, faster way to accumulate information. The internet literally puts the entire world at our finger tips. But is this a bad thing? History books put the world at our finger tips as well. The difference, though, is in the construction. Beginning as far back as is recorded, a history book is made sequentially. Conversely, the internet is constructed mosaiclly. It has no guiding theme nor a followable blueprint. You could not write a table of contents for the internet, because it thrives on chaos and spontaneity. The prime example of this is the search engine. Providing a manifold of information based on a few aural cues, the search engine makes important skills obsolete. If I were in a library, for instance, and I were looking into the malefactor that the internet is on society, I would look under the nonfiction section. Search engines and the internet deprive me of needing to develop these logical thinking skills. But the internet is an amazing research tool, isn’t it? Many have said so. The immediate benefits are obvious. It is a convenient substitute for purusing published works. The internet is definitely fast, and you don’t have to travel to a library to use-- it can be accessed from your own home. But since when are we a society that values ease over value? The advantage that a library has over the internet is having scholarly journals. To be published in one such, one needs to have credentials and legitimate support for one’s opinion. Anyone, however, can get web-space and claim to be a Ph. D. at a prestigious university. The internet will never be as credible or reliable as a library. But it is convenient, ergo society will continue to use it. The internet will cease being a substitute for linear thinking and replace it entirely. That is the true threat of the world wide web-- a change in the way society thinks. If our thoughts resemble a book, we will think constructively and sequentially. If our thoughts resemble the internet, we will think spasmodically and mosaically, which could hardly be called thinking at all. 2-28-03 +++++ My public apology for having a life outside of the internet: To all those daring enough to call themselves loyal followers of Addison The Vigilant, I apologize for having left you directionless for a period of time, as was necessary. The required formality has been put forth and therefore dispensed with, and we may now proceed with direction and purpose. So, today, in Biology (pronounced: BI-oh-LODGE-ee), we were discussing hemophilia and that people with said disease are being cratered to and therefore living and having children without taking precautions to stop their children from being born contaminated: By catering to the individual, we destroy the group. If, however, we allowed nature to take it’s course and eliminate populants with hemophilia, then we would no longer have to worry about contaminants to society, as you cannot “catch” hemophilia. But that leaves no room for personal freedom or morality. We would all become a monstrous elite: By catering to the group, we destroy the individual. So, with this in mind, there is simply no way to win with genetic diseases. They are more of a plaque to the soul and heart than one to the body. Man. The Musketeers were full of it. The One, The Only — []Addison The Vigilant[]— 1-9-03 The Addison Column I think today promises to be a very unique time with a good window for learning and growth. I am learning to write, reach for things, block, strike and be dominant all with my left hand/arm. My right arm, you see, is crippled. I cannot contract my right arm at the elbow without considerable pain. Not the kind of pain as if I had hit something with my arm but the kind of pain as if a ligament or something has been removed in my sleep. Those who have had such injuries understand, I’m sure. So, anyhow, that’s what’s up with me. So, everyone has heard me talk about this person calling himself King Ruepert, right? The same is Demosthenes who seems to fan a burning hatred for me while trying to write something discouraging in Ray’s guest book. His name is Jason and he is my best friend (but for the record I am Mercutio, if he tried to tell you different) and in the summer he is having a huge old-world hand-to-hand combat thing in his grandmothers HUGE hollow (I’ve been there, it is huge) and he needs lots o’ people to fight for his army (It’s a MOCK battle, if any law enforcement officials are wondering). I am planning on going if you were wondering just how bad of a Samurai I am. So link up to his site (it is one of Ray’s links) and I’ll tell him to post the rules and a sign up sheet/page (computers: who knows?) and then you can...you know...sign up. The Cruel and Benevolent —[]Addison[]— Post Script: We ask for only guys to apply. Sorry ladies, but that would be a logistical nightmare. 12-19-02 The Addison Column -By me, for me, count yourselves fortunate- Well, it has really come down to it this time. I never actually thought about employing Daes Dae'mar in my day to day life, but here I am. You see, I am caught in a rather comical tangle that (I am told) came about because of something I have done. You know, one of those situations where you don't know quite how they happened and everyone else around you is panicking, crying and just all out being hysterical, and you just can't help but laugh. Yes, indeed my faceless compatriots! I almost wish that I were Cairheinin so that I could play the game of houses all the better...but being Scottish works about the same to. So, if Ray hasn't already put up the ‘responce to the Addison Column' function yet(I haven't been to the site for a little while) than when he does (we talked about that) please start responding.* Wryly, ---[]Addison[]--- 12-10-02 The Addison Column - —[] []— - Addison’s best joke: So this business man who had a really bad day walks into an AHEM drinking establishment and starts drinking (milk, naturally). By and by a pirate comes and sits next to him. “Oh, hello”, the business man says. “Aye.” replies the pirate. So the businessman looks at the pirate and decides to ask him an ice-breakin’ sort of question. “Uh...how’d ya’ get the...ya’ know...” he stutters “Me pegged-leg?” asks the pirate. “Um...yeah,” the businessman replies,” that.” “Well,”says the pirate,”I was in the heat o’ battle and I had me cutless drawn an’ I was right about to slit the throat of the enemy captain when I got me leg sliced half way to the knee an’ had t’get me peg.” “Oh...” he said. So by and by the businessman got a bit more friendly. “So tell me, Short-Bob-Golden,” for this was the pirates name, “how does one acquire such a handsome hook as your’s?” “Well,” Short-Bob says,” It was in the heat o’ battle and I was about to cleave the enemy mast in twain when I was shot right in the wrist...” “Shot?”, the businessman interrupted “Yes,” the pirate said,” with one o’ them trumpety guns. Anyhow so I was shot and us pirates with our terrible medical technology, I had to get me’ hook.” “Well then,” asked the businessman (for he was a rather inquisitive fellow), “where did your patch-eye come from?” “T’was a beautiful day!” Short-Bob exclaimed, “I was a the bow o’ me’ ship feelin’ the wind in me’ hair and the bugs in me’ teeth, when I heard a seagull! I looked up and he caught me right in the eye!” “Wow!” the businessman replied, “I didn’t know a seagull could do that to ya’.” “Well,” the pirate said, “normally he couldn’t, but it was me’ first day me’ new hook.” -Addison- 11-13-02 The Addison Column -On my mark- Today is another one of those instructional Addison Columns. Today we are talking about how to deal with smugness. As we are going to be talking about specific groups of people, I would like to tell you to deal with it in advance. The easiest group to deal with by far is girls. Girls have the hardest time dealing with secrets...I know not why, nor do I make any statement pertaining to inferiority, but the fact remains. I think the biggest part of their Secrets issue is this ditzy image created by society...but this isn’t a society flaming column, so let’s continue. The biggest problem girls have is that they always try to drop subtle hints, but usually this subtly is not syncronized. With 15 dropped informatives, one can easily puzzle-out the desired information. This is not singular to girls, but happens most often in their circles. (Wince), -Addison- 11-11-02 The Addison Column -Ca Va?- The following material is a french joke. It will only make sense to those who speak french: Today, my french teacher was teaching about how everything french has a gender. For example, a male student would be referred to as un etudiant. A female student would be referred to as une etudiante. When she got done with this she asked my friend Bethany if it all made sense. "Yes, madame." she said, "but is that referring to the desks or the chairs?" (This really happened) Okay. Down to business. I need to help of all loyal Columnairs (devout readers of the teachings of the Addison Column) to pull all the strings and pick all the bones available to them. We need to spread the enlightenment around, you know? By this, I can start taking suggestions on what to write about. Ummm...me, -yup- 10-30-02 The Addison Column -HMMMM!- Today, we are going to discuss the REAL way to survive school. All you really need to know is how to act like a wolf. No. How to BE a wolf. The first thing you need to know about school-wolfery is who is the worst. Debate. The Debate classes, clubs, and teams just get worse and worse, in that order. You may suppose that they are friendly because of smiling faces and alluring words: not so. They can be diplomatic as a group, but never is Debate collectively friendly. Sure, as individuals they can be totally cool and friendly, but as soon as they get together and become the A.O.H. (Army of Hostility) than you basically have three options: 1. You can be silent and just have to live with a weakling reputation. 2. You can turn things into a fist fight. 3. You can turn around and say you need to go read (or in my case write) the Addison Column. I suggest option three. Trust me, I've seen it. Ya' know what. This is going to be the first Addison Column series. "Tune in next time for `The notes of a Drama-freak-insider.'" That's all for today, -The Me in You- 10-29-02 The Addison Column -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- In my very professional profession it has become apparent to me how cruel people are. People are always trying to trap you in your own words. Like debate students. Here is the Addison Column official address to Debate students: To the wielders of silver tongues, Congratulations for finding something you are proud of and passionate about. We fully support and endorse you sharpening you blade-tipped-tongues on the appropriate people at the appropriate times. On occasion, some times it is appropriate to meet opposition with a fiery disposition and heated words...fighting fire with fire, so to speak. All we ask of you is that you do not always try to practice on us, the pacifists. We do not feel comfortable in an environment where the people we thought we could count on are trying to show us how wrong we always are and trying to "force us back on the deadly spikes of our own arguments." This is not because we are afraid of being wrong or fear being made to look foolish, but because we do not seek tension and wish for all things to be in harmony. And if you do, by some pivotal thought of yours, take it into opinion that some of our thoughts, opinions or beliefs are incorrect (contradictory to yours) than by the sheer nature of error we should fail or fall by these thoughts, and thus revert to the right and natural way of things. Once again, do not practice debate with us. No matter how much you deny it, it is the nature of people to want to practice a thing they enjoy. The only 15-year-old without all the answers, Addison, a Taoist 10-25-02 The Addison Column -By mandate of King Ruepert (snicker)- Well, it has started. I have seen more Addison-Column-mimicry than I ever expected to. So many of them like "Ray's Stories" at www.geocities.com/poafnoggin. Or "Advice with King Ruepert at www.geocities.com/KingRuepert. If these are hyperlinks than you can, in theory, check them out. You have my official permission. So, onto real business. Have you noticed yet how immune the world is getting to exclusive praise? Example: today, I was walking with one of my friends in the hallways, let's call her...Duke. So she said that she was feeling bad. "You shouldn't feel bad," I sais," because you are the coolest person in the world." "A 'B' is taking down my GPA and it's really bugging be because..." Can you believe that? The coolest person, I said! That's an exclusive statement! Perhaps I am just to freakin' nice...wait, nice isn't the right word...Ah! Cool! That's it! The epitome of orange belts, -Addison Stuart- 10-24-02 The Addison Column -Show me the way to the next whiskey bar...- Today, I was told that I am to social. My English (Honors, actually) told me that I'm not getting my work done because I am to focused on social matters and not those of the world of Academia, she thinks. She did not say these things hurtfully and I did not take them to be so: I hold no resentment. She even asked me if she had hurt my feelings. The real reason I am struggling in class, though, is a far different matter. As some of my ahem dedicated readers already know, I have terrible hand writing. That is why we type the Addison Column. And the reason why I am not getting my work done in English(H) is I am trying to write legibly and it is taking a little while to learn. The big reason for all of this (and this is all hypothetical) is that my mother died when I was in second grade (the age when parents (mothers) teach their children to print) so this never happened and I form most of my letters "backwards" according to the rest of the Confucianistic world. But hey. So the real message is this: all those of you who are skeptical and are in a judging position (judges, for instance) you MUST not take it into your own hands to decide the motive and cause for a happening. (The above statement includes all of the teachers that ray invites to view his ahem page. The ever-pondering oak tree of the ages, -Addison, destroyer of worlds. 10-23-02 The Addison Column -The Universe, ECT.- Today a friend of mine said that it's okay and meant to be that a person can be a great performer and not be able to teach the art...and that's okay. This, is wrong. She said that if a person is a great angler, they can catch many fish for their families and not have to teach anyone to fish and this is acceptable. What an invitation. I resisted my impulsive response (give a man a fish...) And explained that if the family was all taught to fish that there would be less work and they could eat dinner before eleven every night. But such is the way of complex people. For I...am a simple columnist and do not understand the ways of the complicated or the implied. But so I do know the ways of the simple and how do I know? By the this. The yin to your yang, -Addison- Post Script: when Ray gets an I-pod, I'll get some pics up maybe. 10-22-02 The Addison Column -FRESH FISH!- Brim-fill the bowl, It'll spill over. Keep sharpening the blade, You'll soon blunt it. -Tao Te Ching, chapter 9- So, I've heard reports of a war with China. Well of course! They will attack us just as soon as they have had enough of our inspecting the nuclear weapons of all of their subordinate countries. It was President bushes fault that this is going to happen. He had to keep sharpening the blade. For now we should stick with killing Al qieda. Have you heard about this sniper fellow? He calls himself God because he drives around and shoots people. So, this is my formal address to you, the "sniper" : If you ever put down the gun and learn to read, this is the first thing that you should. God is one of wisdom and love. Killing does not make you a god. It makes you a killer. If you ever do manage to ascend to the literature of the Addison Column, I personally challenge you to write me back concerning your thoughts on my message. Dear policeman, I am writer, -Addison the columnist- 10-18-02 The Addison Column -Happy Boss Day!- Today, Addison is going to reveal some of the massive secrets of the universe. ahem Basic Rules: 1. Avoid all unnecessary conflict and confrontation. This includes arguments, debates, fist-fights, outbursts, etc. Do not assume this means to only avoid people who are notorious for this kind of activity: Avoid these things within your self. 2.Seek balance in every aspect of your life. With equal priority for all activities, you are in harmony with your environment and the things and people around you. 3. YOU NEED FRIENDS!!! Companionship is just as important than food, water or (this is kind of a stretch) reading The Addison Column. Don’t let anyone tell you other wise. 4. You are not the only person around you. If you have not already noticed, there are more people (plural) than you (singular). You need to do things to interact with these people. Maybe it’s just saying hi to some one in the hall...but do something! 5. Develop some thing...some talent that you are good at. Being successful is almost as important as the friend thing. I recommend Dan Zan Ryu Jujitsu, but then I’m biased. -The Poster Childe of individuality- Kanji Otoko IV 10-9-02 The Addison Column -0110001111001001- In one of my school classes the other day, we were talking about the Roman Empire. The essay question for the quiz went as follows: "Was the Romans killing animals any worse than the deer hunt today?" end quote. Can you believe that?!? Not only was awkward sentence structure present (such things are important to me as I am an Internet Columnist (refer to above title)) but the question was also preposterous. My answer was as follows : The staring differences should be obvious to a prestigious college goer, not unlike your self. The Deer Hunt is for food and family, while the Animal kill is for the pleasure of the carnal (Roman) man. -for Katie -Addison the Valiant- Post script: did ya' see my new icon? 10-7-02 The Addison Column -HOOAH!- Today, I vindictively write to stop C.A.S. : Cheer-Abuse-Syndrome. You see, the general consensus is that cheer-leaders are uppity, Immoral, stupid and overall blonde (my apologies to all of Ray's ahem acquaintances). This is not the case. Some of my best friends are cheer-leaders and they all are VERY concerned about their academic welfare. Cheer-leading, you see, is not only very expensive. Oh, no. but along with all the money and physique it takes, cheer-leading also takes a 3.5 grade-point average. Many a-time has Addison seen Cheer-leaders scrambling around the class-room, trying to do something to raise their grade. Not because they are stupid or lazy, but because they always feel that they aren't good enough. Cheerleaders have massive inferiority complex. Anorexia, Depression, Poor self-esteem and the like are not the causes, but the results. The results of a general consensus of hatred. Hatred of cheerleaders by peers, teachers, athletes...and even themselves. So with all of that, do they really need your hate...too? For Alicia- -Addison- 10-4-02 []The Addison Column[] -(O..o)- Today was kinda' depressing. I take French, right? ( for reasons other than popularly speculated) and there was this girl in my class who didn't know how to -get this!- TELL TIME ON A FACE CLOCK!!!! I mean come on! What kind of state is America in if we don't know the very basics of...of...LIFE! Oh! And guess what her excuse was: "my parents only have digital clocks, so I don't know." end quote. I was upset. The eloquent and masterful, -Dude with the stuff- 10-3-02 -The Addison Column- -Huh?- Well my (ahem) loyal fans, I should think this is going to be the most provocative Column yet. As I am writing from the darkest, most unused corner of my demented and stipulated mind. You see, I have been abusing Zen today. Yes, that's right, abusing Zen. Please allow for a definition. Zen Abuse: The over usage of Zen abilities without proper instruction of the use thereof. I have discovered that human capacity is relatively limitless, but comes with a costly catch .22 for over-driven action. You see, I have noticed that I am very capable of writing A-worthy, 5-paragraph essays in under five minutes. But in this way, I have exhausted my mental and physical capacities, as the spell checker is my one true friend right now. The physical embodiment of all of Ray's psycho-freaky pictures, Addison The Omnipresent 10-2-02 The Addison Column -brought to you by the letter E- So, has anyone else noticed the glaring lack of responsibility in the world? It seems a certain anonymous group (women, cough, cough) are using their inborn super powers for their own amusement. Example: you know when your talking to a girl, right? And she has the worst, emptiest and pathetic arguments you've ever heard. So you go in for the kill, and strike the finishing blow. "Well" you think, "I guess I've won..." When she drops her head and looks a the floor. You almost start to smile as she raises her head with that one-eyebrow-raised half smirk on her face...and BAM!...your blown out of the water. That is how it is supposed to be used, but (as I am sure you have noticed) it is being used irresponsibly and childishly. So, with this in mind, I have composed a few basic safety tips: 1. Box a tiger ; and win 2. Swim to China 3. Demolish a brick wall with your forehead 4. Attempt flight by jumping off your house (we've all tried) 5. Remember to bring a #2 pencil to school on a test day 6. Read Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter And once you've attempted all of that, you'll have gained an appreciation for the futility that inevitably is linked to arguing with women. And remember...YOU JUST CAN'T WIN!!! I'm Addison Nosidda, good night 9-30-02 The Addison Column -Addison International- So, among the most akward social issues today, it appears that fighting is the worst. Why, do you ask? I've decided to blame it on society. You see, when Europe caved & Hitler took over, The Nazis (pronounced Nah-Zees) instated a uniform, one-size-fits-all utopia. Among their most draconian laws was a no violence policy(no comic books, combat training, movies, etc.). Sounds pretty Jim-perfect then, mmm? But then the Nazis (remember the pronunciation) noticed that there was a whole ton o' acts of public violence.... MORE TO COME. BE PATIENT! 9-27-02 The Addison Column -by someone else- So, it appears that the federal bureau of investigation has released a statement that they think that Sadam Hussein is an alledged official. ...mm...so? It seems that the formerly known FBI should now be called the FBISQ (Federal Bureau of Investegating Stupid Questions!) For instance: once youve seen one Middle-East-Zealot-Terrorist... HAVE you seen them all?