whitenoise

i am sitting here and i have too much time or whatever on my hands and i am getting so restless. i don't know what is going on at times. most times i am just navigating through foreign waters. things around me are different now. things in me are different now. i am living a different life now. i do not know what i am doing now, but i am doing it anyway. the girl tells me to relax and the family tells me to relax and the friends tell me to relax but maybe i am not a relaxed person, maybe i am just this way - maybe somewhere inside too intense for some of the people closest to me but i have found repression only leads to frustration so i must continue in my own accord.

who is to say what is and is not the right way to go about the day. the man with something in his moustache has just explained to me his finer points of finessing the human spirit out of other people but he hasn't moved me except maybe back and away to avoid flying crumbs but he hasn't finessed me or brought me any closer to the light and away from my comfortable shell where i dwell so safely until i am drawn out by some enticing proposition i cannot fully comprehend but find attractive nonetheless.

i am now with my shell peeled back and subject to my instincts although i feel so vulnerable and naked today and doubting occasionally when the phone doesn't ring but i still haven't the answers i wish i had... .