Ironically, the priest said in the sermon the other day, “If you’re in a relationship with someone you fear, get your running shoes on and get the hell out.” He went on to ask, how can you fear someone you claim to love? And I thought I have been fortunate to never have been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. I definitely know that abuse is tied to control and self-worth and I love myself too much to know that I would not stand for losing myself for the sake of love or being loved.
I have dated guys when at some point at getting to know them if I ask myself, “what am I doing here?” I recognize my uncertainty as a clear sign for me to call it quits. While we are all looking for an ideal mate, we have to keep in mind that we may not be all that to the person we’re dating and they may beat us to the punch. Getting to know someone is all a part of dating and this crazy little thing called love. Some of us have to toss a lot of fish back before we get the big one (no pun intended).
10/17/2002
Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend to be a saint. I have more often than not succumbed to the flesh; I am after-all only human. I also know that dating is all about getting to know a person and that a part of getting to know someone includes finding out whether or not you’re sexually compatible. Yes in addition to the complexities of dating, gay men have to endure the sexual compatibility hurdle. We have to find out that we won’t be sword fighting or bumping uglies. But how well can you get to know a person when all you do is gettin’ freaky.
I have seen on some people’s online profiles things like “Do people still date?” I would hope that the answer to that is a resounding “yes” otherwise I’ll end up single and bitter. I hope that there are [gay] guys out there that still believe in dating and courtship. I also hope that when I find someone that the romance endures throughout the relationship. I know I’m willing to do my part, I can only hope that someday I’ll meet a guy that feels the same; that some day the endless search for the one will result in one.
09/08/2002
As an adult I have to admit that I like romantic movies. Maybe seeing these have made me believe that there are people out there that are romantic. Perhaps it is in the way I would see my dad lovingly dote on my mom. Whatever the case may be when I thought I was straight I always dreamt of taking my girl on picnics, cuddling on the sofa, drawing a warm bath for the two of us. As a gay man I have found this quality is seldom found in a man. I won’t say it’s the be-all end-all with me, but I do admit that it is a very important aspect of what I look for in my mate.
The one guy I did fall madly in love with was romantic. I guess that’s why I fell hard for him. That’s why when I was not looking for a relationship he came and swept me off my feet. He would greet me at the door with a kiss. We would lie in each others arms on his couch to watch a movie. We would slow dance in his living room. Looking back I realize that he brought out the romantic in me. The morning after we spent our first night together I went to the store to get some bottled water (they had shut the water off at his apartment complex). Along with the bottled water I bought him some flowers. So while I know it’s hard to find a guy that’s romantic, I know it’s not entirely impossible. I just have to be patient and do my part in being romantic. Just because I want to be romanced doesn’t mean that I can’t do the romancing either. A relationship, gay or straight should be 50/50. After all, you reap what you sow. 09/08/2002
I'm always amazed when someone introduces me as a friend. It humbles me and makes me feel honored that someone would consider me a friend. I’ve often asked some of these friends as to why they consider me a friend. The answers have varied from “just because” to “you take the time to call and say hi.” I think that the word “friend” comes with a lot of responsibility. Unfortunately, people throw the word around and use it to define just about anyone that they spend time with. To me a friend is more than just someone to have fun with. A friend is someone you can count on to share your most intimate ideas and beliefs and who may disagree but loves you and respects your ideas nonetheless.
I’ve seen a chain E-mail online numerous times that in essence defines friendship as putting your friend before you. There are many definitions and aspects as to what a friend is and not a one individually is either right or wrong. But to me a friendship, any relationship, cannot exist without three basic elements: trust, communication, and perhaps most importantly respect. I pride myself on the friends I have. They are true friend because I respect them and in the end, that is all I ask in return. I know that friends may come and go, I just hope that I was a good friend, that I made some sort of indelible impression that has a positive impact in their life.
06/15/2002
Like I said I have been checking out guys since high school, how was it that I didn’t know then? I always dismissed the admiration of guys as being just that – admiration. Yeah, yeah, I know girls can say another girl is pretty but heaven forbid that another guy should find a guy attractive. Another reason was my perception of gay men. I didn’t know any homosexuals, the only thing I knew was from what I saw on TV or what I heard from the adults in my life. All I knew was that being gay was not a good thing. In my mind gay=flamers.
It was in college that I discovered the World Wide Web, E-mail and every gay man’s best friend – chat rooms. I still admired the hotties in class and on campus, but the Web gave me the outlet to actually meet gay men, even if only online. One thing led to another and I eventually met a gay man. Over a period of about four months I met several other gay men. In this time I had my first sexual experience, my first date and my first kiss (regrettably in that order) with a man.
While I had done more with a man than with any woman, in my mind I still held on to the bisexual label. After my mom died I was confused. In my mind I knew it's ok to be gay (makes for a good slogan), but in my heart I was confused. I had the fortune of befriending a couple of guys. They were your average Joe - twenty and thirty something professionals. To them being gay was simply a part of who they were and not a definition of who they were. They were my support system even as I held on to the bisexual label and continued to be my support system when I started coming out. So while I guess I always knew I was gay, I accepted I was gay when I understood that being gay is not a definition of what I am, rather a part of who I am.
01/31/2002
When he decided to call it quits, one of the reasons he gave me, was that he wasn't happy. He said he had to find himself; he had to be happy on his own before he could be happy with anyone. Yup, he watched Oprah. It's truly sad that people waste so much of their lives in search of nirvana. People get so lost in the search of perfection that they forget what it means to live. I almost fell into that trap myself.
Two weeks before the case of the ex, I got really down because I felt I was missing things in my life. I'm twenty-seven, still single and I still live at home. And then out of nowhere as I was going to lunch it hit me! Life is what you make of it. I can chose to continue to be down about what I'm "missing" or actually enjoy and make the most of all that is good in my life. My friends, a job, a roof over my head, three meals a day, and a sweet car. Back to the ex, the irony was totally lost on him, of course. I did stop to think, "why didn't it work with me?" But like many of life's questions, there is no answer nor do I require an answer. I can say that while I did have a good time, I am happy now.
12/20/2001
The weekend before last, I was talking to a friend who told me he wants to find "the one." He tends to date (or ogle) guys who look flawless and have the body of Greek gods. Mind you, my friend is not bad looking, but he wants one of these guys to just fawn over him and fall in love. He admits he wants so much to be in a relationship. It seems as if he can't be happy unless he is with someone. I suppose I have issues with gay men looking for the perfect man to make them happy. One: I am by no means perfect. I think, in general, depsite my finanacial problems I have my life in order. Two: I'm not thrilled with the idea of being with someone who's idea of happiness depends on someone else.
While I was dealing with a financial crisis, I stopped and thought, "I have way too many things to worry about to be thinking about men and relationships. Surely, I'm better off alone." I was at work so I stepped away for a moment to be by myself and then it hit me. I know "he" won't have the solution to my problems or the answer to life's questions, but he will have a smile to let me know I'm not in it on my own. He will tell me everything will be okay. This is all the happily-ever-after I want.
08/31/2001
Needless to say it hurt. I know there are legal ramifications, but can't help but wonder, why only gay men? I don't think we're all ignorant enough to go around having unprotected sex. Who's to say that straights can't and won't have unprotected sex? I walked out of the mobile as quietly as possible and with as much dignity as I could muster. I had been singled out. According to the blood bank, I was a risk and would never be able to donate blood. It was then I realized, that not everyone will accept the fact that I'm gay. Never the less, no one can change who I am.
08/15/2001
This wild bunch made up the afternoon crew, and in between our research we talked about movies, music, relationships, food, anything and everything was a potential topic for conversation. Slowly but surely, one by one they have started leaving the office and town. Even though we promised each other E-mails and visits, I can't help but think of promises made by friends before. The promise of being "friends forever." From childhood friends to high school friends, we promimse to stay in touch. But time, distance and life become obstacles and we loose friends along the way. Regardless of who happens to come into our lives, they come for a specific reason. People come into our lives to give us something unique, and we should be grateful for having them be a part of our lives. Only time can tell whether or not a friendship will endure. While friends may not be at our side forever, the memories we make will forever be in our heart.
08/01/2001
Update: I called my kiddos on their first day of classes. I'm glad to say they're doing well. I'm also pleased to report we are keeping in touch via E-mails and phone calls.
[08/23/2001]