Weaselicious Cookies (6-3) 72 County Coroners (5-4) 67 Every team needs a Go-To Guy. It doesn�t matter the arena- business, politics, sports, whatever- every group of individuals needs a leader, one man who will make the tough call or the tough play when everyone is looking at him to come through. For Dan Weitz Cookies, that man is clearly WR Anquan Boldin (6/61). The Cookies recent two game losing skid occurred while Boldin was home watching reruns of �24�, but that losing streak was snapped this week as Boldin made a triumphant return to the playing field and the Cookies edged the hard-charging Coroners in the week 9 prime time game of the week. Boldin snagged 11 key points through the air, while RB MoJo Drew (8/68) pinballed his way to another 11. In this low scoring, hard-fought battle between two teams scrapping to stay near the top of the Modano standings, every point gained was all the more important. DB Antoine Winfield had his second good game of the season with 10 points, while K Matt Bryant, in his second week with the Cookies, added another clutch 10 points. Responding to a post game question regarding his return and what looked to be a fired-up Cookie team, a weary but jubilant Boldin took to the microphone after the game and said, �I�ve learned some things these last couple of weeks, and I just came in and told the guys, I said, listen, we�ve only got one chance at this but we�re running out of time, so we just need to focus and get the job done, no matter the consequences because, really, we don�t have any time left and we�ll only get one shot at this, and one of the guys asked if we could get more time, and I yelled back, No, there�s no time, and then another guy asked if we would get multiple chances and I said, No, we�ve only got this one chance and the clock is ticking down and what are we going to do, be a bunch of all-talk bureaucratic pussies, or are we going to act like men? Then I took out my gun and fired a bullet through the head of a poster we had hanging up of Coroner QB Chad Pennington, and said, one shot guys, we�ve got one shot. So to answer the question, yeah, we were fired up I guess.� The win, which broke the Cookies losing streak, also ended the Coroner three game win streak. The Coroners were once again led on the ground by the ManBeast Brandon Jacobs (8/84) who added 13 more points to his impressive season total. Willie Parker (5/46) returned from his extensive time-off with a 10 point game, but the Coroners were without their MVP QB Philip Rivers, and his absence was sorely felt. His replacement was thought to be Raider JaMarcus Russell, but even die-hard loyalist Chad Nuss couldn�t bring himself to insert the struggling young QB into his starting lineup as he instead went with the aforementioned grandma-armed Chad Pennington. Pennington didn�t have a bad game as totaled 8 points in his �08 debut, but his always questionable leadership skills once again failed him as he couldn�t rally any of his other Coroner team mates (other than LB Kirk Morrison with 9) to best his middling performance. The Coroner 67 point total was their lowest of the season and came directly on the heels of their highest total a week ago. The return of Rivers next week will certainly help Nuss and his Coroners who are still firmly in this tight Modano race this season, but for Dan Weitz and his Cookies, it was the return of an American patriot, Anquan Boldin, which delivered the win this week and perhaps saved the entire Cookie season, just in the nick of time.
P-Miss Envy (5-4) 83 Bull in the City (6-3) 62 How is it possible that in the lone meeting between these two friendly rivals in 2008, City owner Randy Chambers was forced to choose between the current Packer QB and the ex-Packer QB to face off against Perry Missner�s Envy? Well, whatever twist of fate or hand of God produced the match-up, it was a one sided affair as the Envy smoked the league leading City to climb just a game back in the standings at the end of the first half of the season. And really, the outcome of this game was sealed when Chambers unlocked the door to the City dungeon and brought out the bedraggled and crusty Brett Favre to stand behind center one more time. The dungeon has not been kind to the decrepit Favre, so much so, that his always questionable mental faculties are now matched by a limited physical ability, and his diet of week-old bread and Drew Brees� urine has left him looking like an emaciated Steve Buscemi. He managed a modest 5 points in �08 Modano debut, but his inability to communicate in the huddle dragged the usually potent City offense down with him. While Clinton Portis (9/110) continued his dominating run with 11 points, no one else on the City squad managed to score in double digits. RB Michael Turner (8/84) came close with 9 and new LB London Fletcher (7/45) added 8, but the exceptional Envy defense stifled Favre and the rest of the City players to their lowest output of the season so far. An obviously delusional Favre was given the opportunity to address the media prior to his return to the depths of the City facilities, and he said, �Help me. Dear God, somebody please help me. I�ve been great and I can be great again. I just need some jerky and a six-pack. Doesn�t somebody need an old�oh god, here they come�help me�get me out of here�wait�� Favre�s cries fell on deaf ears as the media was far more interested to hear from Envy owner Perry Missner. The Envy have now won 3 in a row and 4 of their last 5. And with the exception of their week 6 loss, they have averaged giving up a miniscule 61ppg in that stretch. That kind of defense will win you a lot of games, and it eases the pressure on Hall-of-Fame QB Donovan McNabb (8/133). McNabb had his usual outstanding effort this week as he scored 22 points, his 4th all-pro outing of the season. The remainder of the Envy Scoring came from their outstanding defense as the trio of Lance Briggs, D�Qwell Jackson, and DeAngelo Hall totaled 37 points between them. A proud Missner commented, �There were two differences in this game: Donovan and the defense led by Lance Briggs. Great job!� McNabb and the D earned game balls. Missner then continued, �We clearly did not see the best of the City. Randy made a terrible decision to start the inbred hillbilly moron against us. It showed by our defensive performance. We had some problems getting active players on the field, but nevermind � [a game] behind the lead and some momentum!� Missner went on to insinuate that Favre was somehow embezzling from his City employers, but clearly his imprisonment makes that a highly unlikely occurrence. What is likely though is that Missner and his players will party like its October 18th- the birthday of two great human beings, Devy, Missner�s wife, and Coach Mike Ditka, Missner�s coaching idol. And while that celebration will overshadow the dissolution of the heralded Envy Wonder Twins- the post game release of keeper Edgerrin James and the burgeoning uterus of Willis McGahee saw to that- Missner is also likely to try and keep his squad level-headed. He remembers all too clearly the 2nd half collapse of his �07 squad and he will be doing everything in his power to prevent a recurrence. As for City, they remain tied for first place in the Modano standings and will welcome back Drew Brees next week, but Randy Chambers must be feeling a little bit nervous about his teams recent drop in performance. Though after the results of this past Tuesday and the all the champagne that must have been flowing at City headquarters, one wonders if Chambers is even sober enough to care.
The Ballbusters (5-4) 111 Wookies (3-6) 75 Another owner who is probably having sobriety issues this week is Wookie owner Will Mitchell, and it may not have anything to do with the results of Tuesday�s election, though that doubtfully couldn�t have helped. After his 5th blowout loss of the season, and the 4th time the Wookies have allowed 100+ points (compare that to the Envy who haven�t allowed 100 points since week one), the reeling Wookies are staring at yet another lost season after their Chowdah Bowl loss to their northeast rival Ballbusters. Unfortunately for Mitchell, it will be hard for him to blame his defense for the loss. Sure they allowed 111 points, but they also scored an amazing 42 points behind an all-pro 15 point performance from Justin Tuck, a 14 point day from surging DL Jared Allen (8/63), and a 13 point afternoon from defensive MVP candidate James Harrison (8/79). But on this day, the Wookie offense and special teams combined to score less that the d-flex and Mitchell was once again left searching for answers. The inconsistent play of the Mayor of Bongtown, WR Randy Moss (8/52), is certainly driving Mitchell crazy as Moss tallied his 4th 1 point performance of the season this week. Sadly his Mini-Me, Santana Moss, found a way to score even less as he toked his way to big fat zero, which was matched by substitute TE Greg Olsen. New QB Marc Bulger, the Wookies 4th this year, provided a stabilizing 12 points, but RB Marshawn Lynch (8/74) has been a disappointment since his week 4 trade. After accumulating 40 points for the Envy in three weeks, he�s provided the Wookies with just 34 more in the six weeks since. Almost every member of the Wookie organization was unavailable to speak to the media following the game, but we did catch up with TE Antonio Gates (8/50) who was spending his bye week in Aruba and he commented, �We lost? There�s a shocker. I�ll be back next week, but right now I�m just enjoying the coconut shrimp. It�s nice down here away from that smoke-filled locker room. Hey, I�m not telling anyone how to live, but we need to find a better way of being a cohesive football team, that�s for sure.� Is it possible that drugs and football don�t mix? Perhaps it depends on the drug. Regardless, the Busters were more than happy to pounce on their hippie-freak neighbors. With the win, the Busters notched their 50th win in franchise history and they now lead the Chowdah Bowl series 7-4. They were led as always by their pink-lunged, virginal QB Peyton Manning (8/129) who amassed an all-pro 24 points in between live commercial shoots during the game. But the game ball went to sack master John Abraham (6/52) for his 20 point beat down of the Wookie O-line. He was given free reign to rob any bank in the greater Portland, Maine area, and if this week was any indication, its doubtful anyone there would be able to stop him. RB Thomas Jones (8/74) had a solid 12 point afternoon while WR Eddie Royal (5/27) contributed mightily to the Buster campaign with 17 all-pro points. Capping the day off, even WR Braylon Edwards (7/48) was able to hold on to a ball as he scored 11 points. About the only disappointment was trade-bait WR Terrell Owens (9/61) who caught a TD pass and still managed to only score 5 points. A relieved Rich Joseph briefly commented on his team�s snapping their two game losing streak, saying on the way to a Red Sox off-season strategy dinner with Theo Epstein, �Nice comeback week; maybe not better than Opening Day of Bow season, but we�ll take it.� At 5-4 the Busters have once again positioned themselves nicely for a second half run at the title, while at 3-6, the Wookies are once again near the bottom and looking up at the rest of the league.
SF Cubists (5-4) 98 Red Herrings (2-7) 67 The third all-time meeting between the defending champion Cubists and the tadpole-esque Herrings went much the same as the first two as the Cubists used their vast experience and formidable roster to overwhelm the upstart Herrings. It was the 2nd win in a row for the Cubists and the 7th time in 9 weeks that they have scored more than 90 points. For Jason Moore�s Cubists, they were playing without their infant QB Tony Rhomo (6/126) for the third straight week while he is off getting lessons from Angelina Jolie�s nanny on how to drink from a big boy cup without a straw. But while Matt Schaub has filled in extremely well for the Cubists, the prescient Moore decided not to play him in week nine in favor of bag boy Kurt Warner. Warner made his �08 Modano debut a success with 25 all-pro points while leading the Cubists to victory. The Cubists were also without superstar RB Reggie Bush (7/89) for the second week in a row, but once again, Moore was able to find a capable replacement as rookie Chris Johnson (7/73) romped to his 3rd all-pro day of the year with a solid 15 points. WR Bernard Berrian (3/38) continued his impressive play with 12 points while new Cubist kicker Rob Bironas, the Cubists 6th kicker in 9 weeks, punched home an impressive 13 points. Owner Jason Moore was away this week on urgent political business, but we were able to catch up with his star QB Tony Rhomo who talked to us from Angelina Jolie�s nanny�s trailer, and he said, �Oh boy, we are sooo good. We keep winning with me and Reg out, and wow, how good are we going to be when we both come back? I�ll say it, right here, right now, we�re going to win the title again. I don�t know where the 6th ring goes if 5 is one for the thumb, but, wait, 5 plus 1 is 6, right? Yeah, I think so. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I like chocolate milk better than regular milk.� While talk of another Cubist title is premature at best, like the Busters and Envy, they have positioned themselves nicely to make a 2nd half run if they can string together a few wins. As for the Herrings, well, what is there left to say. Charlie Mitchell has abandoned his team, or at least left it in the meaty paws of Mike Singletary, and it has done nothing to break the losing streak that now stretches back all the way to week 3. This week Kyle Orton gave the team 10 points and Terrell Suggs notched 12, but once again, the rest of the team failed to produce a professional effort. It�s gotten so bad that Singletary fired the entire staff and brought in his family to run the team. His wife and seven children now run the Herring organization. Mike�s son Matt Singletary spoke to the media following the loss, �What the heck was that? My Dad gives more effort punching out a bowel movement than these guys showed on the field this week. My Mom and Dad and my brothers and sisters and I are committed to turning this franchise around in Mr. Mitchell�s absence. I, for one, am going to crack some skulls this week, I crap you not, and my sister has vowed to play the Super Bowl Shuffle over and over again until someone breaks down and cries. We are going to tear this team down so that we can build it back up. My Dad is Samurai Mike and you don�t want to see him get all ninja on your ass. Not that samurai and ninja�s are the same thing, I know, but you get what I mean, right? He�ll get ninja on your ass.� So while Charlie Mitchell continues to practice for his upcoming bowling season, his Modano franchise is quickly deteriorating into a near Apocalypse Now kind of mess. As for the Cubists, even with an injury-depleted roster, they continue to win and show why they are the class franchise of the Modano world.
Syracuse 44�s (4-5) 90 Big Bad Bretts (4-5) 66 In the 4th and final non-competitive week 9 game, the 44�s broke their two game losing streak by getting some solid play up and down their roster to overcome a very lackluster Brett squad that looks to be in some trouble. For John Stoer and his 44�s, this was pretty much a mid-season do-or-die game and his team responded by playing their best game in nearly a month. QB Jay Cutler (7/123) and RB Adrian Peterson (8/82) both returned from vacation to post matching 15 point all-pro performances and they both received an enthusiastic game ball from Stoer who said, �Cutler and AP are the core of my team and Jamo was just plain lucky not to face them both last week. If they can stay healthy and productive, I think we can make people uncomfortable in the second half.� Stoer also received three more double digit performances from WR Andre Johnson (8/67), RB Ronnie Brown (5/40), and the newest member of the 44�s, Tim Hightower, who exploded on to the Syracuse scene with 13 points. The imposing Hightower was given permission by Stoer to make Justice Clarence Thomas �an offer he can�t refuse.� Stoer then continued, �This was a clutch win. If we had lost this week, the season would have been over, but we got our guys back- other than the useless Larry Johnson- and we came through. Now we have to build on it.� For Stoer this wasn�t as good as baseball�s Opening Day, but it was a fine win nonetheless with only K Kris Brown singled out for ridicule. But it was a week to forget for the Bretts who, in the words of their owner Steve Johnson, said, �Pretty much nothing went right this week. Bad play and more injuries. We have good matchups coming, but it might be too little, too late.� Yes, with ex-MVP RB LaDanian Tomlinson on the bye, the Bretts were forced to rely on keeper RB�s Joe Addai (6/38) and Steven Jackson (7/69). Both nicked-up RB�s showed that they are complimentary pieces at best this year as they ran for 2 points and one point respectively. They both have also only broken the 10 point barrier twice this season. That statistic goes a long way to explaining the Bretts 4-5 record so far this season, but this week, almost everyone on the offense was a disappointment. QB Ben Roethlisberger (4/53) was injured in his 5 point effort while RB Michael Pittman (3/14) was lost for the season following his 1 point day, a number matched by tiny magician WR Donnie Avery. The Brett D stood tall with 13 points from stud DE DeMarcus Ware and an all-pro 15 from ex-44 Barrett Ruud, but their effort wasn�t enough without any sort of positive result coming from the Brett offense. If the Bretts had been bank robbers on this day, they would be sitting in jail now with orange fluorescent dye pack sprayed all over their faces. It was just one of those weeks for the �06 champs. For the 44�s, their season may still have promise after this win. Typically a .500 club, they are playing to their historical record, but maybe this year will be their time for a change. An exhausted and still inebriated Stoer said finally, �We won? Really? All right then. Let the Good Times Roll.�
Week 10 previews - Due to a massive breakdown in league polling this week, something that government officials will be quick to take a look at once they, you know, actually start working again, the week 10 prime time game of the week is between the Singletary�s 2-7 Herrings and Steve Johnson�s 4-5 Bretts. It�s a game of massive importance to the Bretts if they want to remain in the hunt for the �08 Modano crown. Because of some injury and bye week issues, they have added two new defenders, Chris Gamble and Yeremiah Bell. Big Ben Roethlisberger is also out along with RB Joe Addai. For the- if it wasn�t for bad luck there would be no luck at all- Herrings, their new �Hero� at QB will be Brady Quinn. Rookie Ray Rice will also make his debut on a roster dominated by rookies. Brett owner Steve Johnson said, �The Herrings haven�t had the best year, but they are no pushover. We have to stay focused if we want to salvage this year.� Salvaging the year is not what will be on the mind of Jason Moore, owner of the 5-4 Cubists, nor Dan Weitz, owner of the 6-3 Cookies. The Cubists lead the series 11-8. The Cookies finally welcome back WR Chris Chambers back to their line-up while the addition of the insubordinate LB Mike Peterson has raised some eyebrows. Remember Peterson played in a wheelchair at the end of last season for the Cookies and he doesn�t seem too pleased to be back. As for the Cubists, DeAngelo Williams is in at RB and some sneeze-named TE is in for one week to replace Chris Cooley. The lead 1pm game may be the best game of the week as the 5-4 Envy take on the 5-4 Coroners. The Coroners own a 10-9 series lead. The Coroners will be far more dangerous this week with the return of QB Philip Rivers and WR Steve Smith, while the Envy add RB Jamaal Charles to the offense and return LB Jon Vilma to the stout Envy D-flex. Missner said of the upcoming game, �We have some vengeance on our minds from that tough Week One loss. We've made some roster changes - out with the old (Edge) and in with the new. We just want to surround Donovan with some weapons and hope for the best.� Also hoping for the best will be the 4-5 44�s and the 5-4 Ballbusters. The 44�s will be looking to buck a 7-3 Buster series edge by returning defensive MVP-candidate Patrick Willis and bringing in K David Akers. 44 owner John Stoer said, �I love playing the Busters. They are generally better than we are and if we can�t beat them, then we have no shot at the title.� Rich Joseph countered by saying, �We can�t lose anymore.� His only substitution is the addition of Jerious Norwood for the on-the-bye Terrell Owens. Finally, the co-league leading Bull City franchise will resume their always democratic rivalry with Will Mitchell�s Wookies. Both owners this week are in a euphoric fuzzy blue-stated haze, and while there are noteworthy statistics to mention and both owners have changed their lineups, neither owner cares right about now. The map is blue my friends, the map is blue. (City leads the series 12-5).
----------------------------------Give Me Something to Believe Press------------------------