Bull in the City (5-2) 67 Weaselicious Cookies (5-2) 58 In a week filled with blowouts, the prime time battle for first place between Bull City and the Cookies was tightest game of the week. Those unfortunate few in the stadium saw a poorly played, horribly executed, abomination of a football game, and while neither team deserved to win, the Cookies did just a little more to lose than Bull City. The win moved City into a first place tie with the Cookies and prompted many in the press box to recall the sage words of Cher who quipped, �It�s better to be lucky than good.� Bull City had five separate players score three points or less, including star running back Frank Gore. The City wide receiver play was especially poor as Hall-of-Famer Marvin Harrison and Obama-fave Jerricho Cotchery were each blanked on the night. Remember, this was a City team that came in to the game as the highest scoring team in the league, a team that was averaging more points than City owner Randy Chamber�s last bowling outing in the spring of �ought eight� which was unfortunately sub-100. It�s been the stellar play of QB Drew Brees which has led City so far this year, but with a sorry six points, even Brees had a difficult time getting on track as he was repeatedly distracted by the bound and gagged Brett Favre struggling for freedom under the City bench. RB Clinton Portis earned the gameball from Chambers for his 14 point game, but even that came with a qualification as Portis also was singled out for scorn due to his costly 4th quarter fumble. (Chambers is pleased though that his long time star back Shaun Alexander is now in DC giving tips to his current star back.) The unlikely leader of this most unlikely victory was LB LaMarr Woodley- a midweek replacement for the injured Peanut Tillman- who scored an all-pro 16 points in his first game of the year. City owner wisely acknowledged that his team did not play especially well, but he is doing a fine job of keeping his team�s eye on the big picture by braking out the old Crash Davis chestnut, �It's always better to win than to lose, esp. when you play ugly. That said, what matters is who's in first in ten weeks, not now.� While that is undoubtedly true, Dan Weitz� Cookies were very happy to have first place all to themselves, and Weitz can not happy with the performance his team turned out in this battle for the top. Using his 6th different QB in seven weeks, the Cookies took strength from the play of Trent Edwards, who like Woodley, scored 16 points in his debut. RB Marion Barber continued his stellar season with 11 more points, but after that, the Coroners could find no one to step up to the challenge. WR Lance Moore was in the lineup and played, but just as easily could have been home with Anquan Boldin watching �24� reruns. Six other players scored three points or less, including two defensive stalwarts in Antoine Winfield, who is clearly still living off his 25 point game a couple of weeks ago, and Super Mario Williams, who opened the season well but hasn�t been getting to the QB in recent weeks. LB DJ Williams had a chance to bring the Cookies back on Monday night, a night loathed by the opposition who doesn�t get ESPN and therefore can�t watch the games, and while Williams continued his streak of great play with 12 points, it wasn�t enough to complete the comeback. So while City continues to be the league�s highest scoring team, and while they have run their winning streak to three games, owner Randy Chambers can�t be too pleased with his team�s performance. As for Dan Weitz, his scrappy Cookies, the lowest scoring team in the league, almost derailed the City express, and he has to think that some better health and matchups from his players will keep him from utilizing the likes of Lance Moore and Johnnie Lee Higgins in the future.
Big Bad Bretts (3-4) 121 Ballbusters (4-3) 56 After his week 6 victory, Ballbusters owner Rich Joseph said to the media, �Time to pick on the 2-4 Bretts.� Six parades in nine years in his hometown of Boston (plus one Modano co-championship) have obviously left Rich a little deaf to the voices of the Modano gods. It was Cher who first said, �You don�t tug on Superman�s cape, you don�t spit into the wind, and in the name of Jesus, Mary, and JoJo the carpenter, you never taunt an angry ex-Modano champion.� So in a week when his beloved Red Sox fell to a young, cocky, and more talented Rays team, Joseph also saw his beloved Ballbusters get the snot knocked out of them by the resurgent Bretts. Even if the Busters had been on their game, they would not have been the equal of a violently upset Bretts squad. How bad was it? Wes Welker earned a game ball for his 12 points- a total bettered by four Bretts players. RB Thomas Jones was the only other Buster to reach double digits with 10 points. After that, the usually reliable duo of Peyton Manning and Terrell Owens scored three and two points respectively, earning each of them a tongue lashing after the game. Peyton Manning responded in his usual manner, �Coach is right, we just didn�t play great as a team, and I didn�t play great as an individual. We�ll work hard in practice and try to get better for next week.� Owens also responded as usual, �We woulda won the game if Peyton had thrown to me every damn time. There ain�t a player on the planet that can cover me. There ain�t even a player on Mars that can cover T.O. Do I gotta spell it out for you? Throw. Me. The. Ass-lickin�. Ball!!� Owens has whined so much that instead of two manly balls, he now his 93 small balls and the truth of the matter is that other than new defender Ray Lewis who had nine points, no other Buster had more than five. No team can win like that and Joseph commented simply, �Terrible display.� The team will not be looking forward to the Monday film study. Half of this ridiculous blow out could be blamed on the awful effort of the Ballbusters, but the other half has to go to the awe-inspiring offensive firepower of the dormant Bretts. Put simply, RB LaDanian Tomlinson, and WR�s (Welcome Back) Marques Colston and (Still Underappreciated) Greg Jennings totaled five points between the three of them- Tomlinson 3, Jennings 2, and Colston 0. And the Bretts still scored 121 points. The star of the day was RB Steven Jackson who�s three touchdown performance netted him 29 strong points, easily his best output of the season. Big Ben Roethlisberger started for the first time since week 2 and added 20 points of his own. Stud DL DeMarcus Ware had his second straight double digit game in a row with an all-pro 19 points and TE Owen Daniels doubled his season output with an all-pro 16 points. New LB Barrett Ruud and K Mason Crosby rounded out the double digit scorers with 10 points each. Roethlisberger spoke up on behalf of the team, �I knew as soon as Johnson put me back in, we�d win, but I didn�t realize the kind of support I had on this team. Everyone was great. This is still LT�s team, but I think if we all start to pull together, we can easily get back in this thing� This was a big win for Johnson�s Bretts. Now at 3-4, they are only two games back of the leaders and perhaps are starting to play together. For Joseph�s Busters, this loss kept him out of a share of first place, but knowing Joseph, the Sox loss on Sunday may have been more painful than this mid-season Modano affair.
County Coroners (4-3) 94 Syracuse 44�s (3-4) 83 Neither the Coroners nor the 44�s treated this week 7 game as a casual mid-season game. Both teams are more than friendly with the bottom half of the standings and this was a crucial game to see who would be rise above .500 and who would plummet below. A point in the Coroners favor was that the 44�s have alternated wins and losses through the first six weeks of the seasons, and after a week six win, a week seven loss would keep the yo-yo on track. That is exactly what took place as the Coroners were the superior team, matching their best ever season start, in their quiet demolition of the 44�s. There was great joy at the Coroner team complex and when Coroner owner Chad Nuss addressed the media on Monday, his sunglasses were surely hiding the bloodshot eyes of a man who had had too many following a Sunday home team victory. This week it was a balanced Coroner effort as only ManBeast Brandon Jacobs reached an all-pro 16 points, his third straight double digit day, while four others scored more than 10. WR Steve Smith trotted in for an easy 14, while RB Ryan Grant took time off from shearing the topiary on the Nuss estate to punish the 44 defenders for 13 points. All that gardening has clearly helped Grant with his upper body strength. Consistent QB Philip Rivers had 11 points, continuing his improbable season. While Nuss was clear with his gameball earning praise of the ManBeast, he was a bit more Jekyll and Hyde when it came to his star QB. Nuss said, �I hate Philip Rivers. I love Philip Rivers. (What a prick.)� Nuss then continued, �Ryan Grant better keep improving after his bye week.� Grant has improved three weeks in a row and if he can return to his late �07 form, he may yet validate his high draft status. One tactic that did bring a smile to Nuss was the play of his all-Raider defense which scored 26 points. The 44 defense also scored 26 points, led by league leader, and gameball earner, Patrick Willis and his 11 points, but the only other 44 to reach double digits was RB Adrian Peterson who notched only his second all-pro week with 20 points. The 44�s did receive solo TD�s from old WR Plaxico Burress and new WR Chad Johnson while QB Jay Cutler had by far his worst day as a 44 with 7 points after getting a 1st quarter owwie on his throwing hand. A disappointed John Stoer said, �Mama mia!! We win, we lose, we win, we lose. I�ve had it. I don�t need my emotions toyed with like this. I feel like a ping-pong ball in that god-awful Forrest Gump movie- back and forth, back and forth. Screw it. Is there fantasy bowling? I don�t think I�ve ever been bowling. Maybe I should take that up instead.� Maybe he ought to coach his players up a little bit. RB Ronnie Brown wildcatted his way to a lone point while new TE Heath Miller was permanently escorted from the premises following his �big, fat, rotten, stinky goose egg.� Perhaps the 44�s are simply reflecting Stoer�s mood swings in their performances because scoring 83 points in a losing effort isn�t a sign of a bad day, it�s just that on this day the Coroners were simply a little bit better. The Coroners have now won two in a row, as they did to open the season, while the 44�s are currently on schedule for an 8-9 season.
Wookies (3-4) 131 SF Cubists (3-4) 84 Whatever Randy Moss has been smoking, he made sure to pass it around to all of his teammates in week 7 as eight separate Wookies scored more than 10 points and two of the remaining three scored nine. The lone holdout, with three points, was TE Antonio Gates- a longtime enemy of Moss and his cheeba posse. Speaking during his usual Tuesday press conference, Wookie owner Will Mitchell had a difficult time singling out any one player for a gameball as so many played so well, instead he went a different route saying �One for every guy on the team who scored a TD. This was an all around TEAM win.� He continued, �There�s still life in these Wookies. If only we had a QB set. I am liking the D and give another gameball to Justin Tuck with a 22 pt bench performance.� That Wookie D-flex, led by the all-pro 17 points of Jared Allen and another 12 point day of LB James Harrison, dominated the Cubist D-flex which managed only 15 points. A very high Randy Moss, still celebrating after his 16 point performance said, �I think it came down to, you know, like unity, like real team unity. If we live together in our communal purple haze, we�ll all be better, you know?� That reference prompted Mitchell to retake the microphone as he said he hadn�t been this happy since, �Sept 27 on my sons 10th birthday. But last winter brother Charlie started a bowling LEAGUE. My nom-du-bowl is �The Dude�. I rolled every Tuesday during the winter with my team Purple Haze, who made the semifinals. I won the award for most splits for the league. And Charlie would know exactly but I do know I broke 200 one night and won bowler of the week.� Jimi Hendrix and The Big Lebowski- there is a party going on in Maine, and after this resounding victory, it doesn�t sound as if their spirits can get much higher. The same can not be said for Jason Moore and his Cubists who have now allowed 100+ points in back-to-back games. To be fair, the Cubists put up a strong performance even missing two of their big three keepers. WR Larry Fitzgerald was on the bye and QB Tony Rhomo is out for a couple weeks after falling off his tricycle and scratching his hand. A Dora the Explorer band-aid wasn�t enough to cover the scratch so Tony bawled for his mommy to kiss it and make it better. Without his compatriots, third super keeper Reggie Bush developed a sympathy pain sometime in the second quarter and he too is now likely out for a couple weeks. Bush did manage 3 points before leaving, one point more than disappointing TE Chris Cooley and two more than some kicker named Taylor Mehlhaff. At his usual Monday press conference, Moore commented on the loss, �Wow. 10 of 11 players scored 9 or more points for the Wookies? That is obscene. Our 4th string QB played well, and the O-flex went triflexa, but we weren't even close... and losing Reggie added injury to insult.� The 4th string QB was Matt Schaub who did go all-pro with 19 points, and the o-flex was led by the rookie running duo of Chris Johnson and Jonathan Stewart who had 17 and 10 respectively. But even with their efforts, there wasn�t much the Cubists could have done on this day, other than score something like 193 points. It�s also hard to believe that after seven weeks these two teams share identical 3-4 records. The Wookies will surely hope to keep the party rolling, while the Cubists can do little more than hope to retain the services of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
P-Miss Envy (3-4) 121 Red Herrings (2-5) 69 The third blowout of the day was a historic one. For Perry Missner�s Envy, it was their biggest blowout win in three years and for Charlie Mitchell�s Herrings, it was their biggest blowout loss in team history. Mitchell has vowed not to speak to the press until his team breaks their current five game losing streak, but he was overheard in his teams post game locker room saying, �We just gave up 42 points to Mewelde Moore and Dominic Rhodes? F@$% it dudes, let�s go bowling.� In the spirit of that assessment, let�s just note that Herring QB Kyle Orton did throw for 21 points against the conflicted Envy, but that other than that, the Herrings were a total bummer dude on this day. Though, much like with the other blowout losers this week, there wasn�t much to be done against the steam-rolling Envy. As mentioned by the Herrings owner, new Envy arrivals Moore and Rhodes had massive days for their new club. Moore and Rhodes, each starting for the first time this season, scored an all-pro 26 and 18 respectively. Add new QB Jeff Garcia, in for the resting Hall-of-Fame QB Donovan McNabb, and his game changing 18 points, and those three players alone scored enough points to defeat both the Cookies and Ballbusters each this week. A contented Missner commented, �The Herrings never had a chance this week. Charlie ran into a bulldozer that shows itself once or twice a season. Even my bench players played well in the absence of our ultimate leader. We had a lot of nice matchups this week and dare I say that our pieced together backfield looked monstrous.� Gone unmentioned so far were the 13 point day of Willis McGahee and the 10 point afternoon of Matt Forte. Missner continued, �There basically wasn't an option that went wrong. Every button I pressed led to a solid result, so gameball�s all around.� The only player singled out for ridicule was WR Vern Coles of whom Missner said, �Vern - I had my doubts about you coming into the season - you and your associates. It appears that inbred moron hillbilliness may be contagious.� When pressed for comment on the margin of victory and why perhaps the Envy didn�t take it easier on the Herrings, Missner explained at his Wednesday afternoon press conference a formative philosophy of his that he has passed on to his team, �I went bowling was in Korea - there was a bowling alley in the building in which our school was housed. The lanes were shorter there, but I think my high game might be a 120 or something like that. I just like to throw the ball hard. Finesse is for babies.� Finesse is for babies. Hear that Tony R.? Whether it�s bowling, pool, or football, the Missner mantra is �Just hit it Hard�. It�s a philosophy which will stand the Envy in good stead if they can keep it up. At 3-4 and firmly in the middle of the Modano pack this season, all of Missner�s opponents now know that they better strap it on when they face the Envy because the Envy will surely be bringing the fight to them. As for the Herrings, at 2-5 and in last place, we hope the bowling is good because the future of this team does not look so bright at the moment.
Week Eight previews - In a near unanimous vote, Bull City will play its second straight prime time game, this time against arch nemesis Rich Joseph and the Ballbusters. City owns a 6-4 series edge and the teams have split each of the past three seasons. Both teams return virtually the entire week 7 lineups with the notable exception of powerful RB LenDale White into the already potent City backfield. City owner Chambers commented in anticipation of the rivalry, �There's nothing like beating the so-called former co-champs, so you can be assured that the City will be ready come this weekend. We've incented the Titan defense to provide Peyton with some unexpected promotional opportunities as distractions.� Joseph countered with his Braveheart inspired, �Please not another terrible display.� While there is lots of depth on both teams, this game will be decided by either the dynamic rush offense of City or the flourishing aerial attack of the Busters. A couple of high scoring 3-4 teams meet in the 4pm game as the suddenly resurgent Wookies look to rip the arm off of Ben Roethlisberger and the Bretts. This series is tied at 8 apiece, though the Bretts have won four of the last five. The Bretts hope Marques Colston returns to form while the Wookies return Marshawn Lynch and Ernest Graham to their Moss-infested lineup. Wookie owner Will Mitchell said, �We�re going to focus on neutralizing big ben roth and hope the bretts are rattled by having their kicker on a bye.� The Bretts don�t rattle that easily as veteran Jason Elam will handle the kicking chores. Jared Allen remains in the Wookie lineup due more out of respect for his fine recent play rather than the fact he is on the bye. Our lead 1pm game sees old high school buddies Jason Moore and the Cubists versus John Stoer and the 44�s. The Cubists lead this series 11-6-1, though they were swept by the 44�s during their championship run last season. Their other high school bud, Randy Chambers, chimed in from NC on this game saying he was very much looking forward to this battle of 3-4 teams as he put it, �It�s wheat-chaff time!� That it is. The Cubists will likely be without Rhomo and Reggie Bush, but return Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes. Matt Schaub returns as the Cubist QB. As Cubist owner Jason Moore said, �The #2 and #3 scoring teams in the league... both with losing records. Patrick Willis is the best defensive player in the game. Good luck with Ocho Cinco--anyone with a Cubists ring will always have SF fans.� Ocho Cinco will be starting for the 44�s, though the rest of their lineup is a little suspect as commented by John Stoer, �No Cutler and Peterson, and no LJ or Winslow. Hopefully mother nature can whip up a natural disaster of some kind to postpone this one because I�m not liking our chances against the defending champs.� Another awe-inspiring pep talk from a Modano owner. Eli Manning will take the reigns for the 44�s and new LB Gary Brackett will try to help the best defender in the game Patrick Willis tackle those rookie Cubist RB�s. Another friendly rivalry sees the co-leading 5-2 Cookies take on the 3-4 Envy. Dan Weitz and Perry Missner have long traded friendly jibes at one another and this week should be no different. The Envy own a slight 10-9 series edge, though the Cookies have dominated recently winning 3 of the past 4. Still, a fired-up Missner said, �From what I remember, we've been playing the Cookies equally of late. Not good. Well, the bloom is off that rose and I doubt we'll become the next Cookie opponent to score 60 points and give them an easy win. What? They couldn't even beat a team in the 60's this past week. I pity the Cookies.� The Envy return Donovan McNabb and hope that Cedric Benson can duplicate the magic of last week�s RB pickups. Julius Peppers looks to get into Cookie QB Trent Edwards face. The Cookies counter by bringing back MoJo Drew and potentially �24� devotee Anquan Boldin. Finally, the red hot 4-3 Coroners look to hang with the big boys a little longer when they face the disconsolate 2-5 Herrings. A happy Nuss commented, �Oh baby, 3rd place! Too bad the season has another ten weeks.� Confidence is evidently in short supply in many Modano locker rooms. Week 8 sees the return of Fast Willie Parker to the Coroner lineup while Pete Weber wannabe Charlie Mitchell will bring back Jason Campbell to hopefully throw some strikes against the tough Coroner defense. There isn�t much history between these two teams, so history will have to be made on the field this week.
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