The Ballbusters (4-2) 103 SF Cubists (3-3) 98 JM: My friends, we have a lot to cover here and not much time to do it, so let�s get started, OK? First off, let me say that Peyton Manning is a truly great American. Like me, he is a great leader, one the American people can trust, and he proved it this week against the defending champion Cubists by throwing three touchdown passes and scoring an impressive all-pro 28 points. Also, as I learned from my years at the Naval Academy, a fine aerial assault is all well and good, but an unyielding ground attack is vital to achieving victory and the Busters were led by Thomas Jones and his 22 points- a total which more than doubled his season output so far. Still, while it seemed like everything was clicking offensively for the Busters, they still found themselves down thirteen points going into the Monday night contest with only Braylon Edwards left to play. Now, Mr. Edwards had only scored ten points all season, but was he going to be denied? Was he going to let his team down? Of course not, my friends. That�s not what America is all about. We�re winners. We come through when times are tough, and that is just what Mr. Edwards did. He scored eighteen points to lift the Busters to victory, their third in a row. He earned a game ball from his owner, Mr. Rich Joseph, a fine man from the fine city of Boston. While Mr. Joseph was elated with what he described as a �great comeback�, he was a little disappointed with the effort put forth from wide receiver Terrell Owens. Owens only scored two points and, like any good liberal, had an excuse at the ready. He said that instead of studying game film all week, he�d been watching the movie Blades of Glory instead. Now I�ve never heard of that movie personally, but I�m sure that�s not what he is getting paid to do. He needs to get back on track, and if Peyton Manning can�t get him back on track, then I will be more than happy to do it. I promise you this; unlike my opponent, I have the skill and the experience to get Terrell Owens back on track. Thank you. BO: Well, I think it�s obvious that this has been a very hard week for the city of San Francisco and its football team the Cubists. First, their tremendous quarterback, Tony Romo, as consistent a quarterback as anyone in the league, throws three touchdown passes and scores 27 points. But it doing so, it seems like maybe he has broken one of his fingers. And we�ve all been there, right? Everything is going great, you think everything is fine, and then all of a sudden, something happens, and, you�re left wondering, what do I do now? I mean how could Cubist owner Jason Moore know that Thomas Jones and Braylon Edwards were going to outscore his own duo of Reggie Bush and Larry Fitzgerald? And let me tell you, Bush and Fitzgerald played well. Darn well. They had 15 and 11 points respectively. But, even with the hard-fought efforts of players like Bernard Berrian (14 points) and Julian Peterson (14 points), it wasn�t enough. And why? I�ll tell you, because his team didn�t get what Moore called �consistent contributions� from the entire squad. Six of Moore�s players scored less than four points including one young man, Chris Cooley, who managed only one point. One point. So I can see why Moore would curse at Thomas Jones and Braylon Edwards. I understand why he�d want to lock himself in a room and watch Adam Sandler�s The Longest Yard over and over again to numb the pain. We�ve all been there. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? These are tough questions that we all have to face at one point or another. And the answer, of course, lies in what Mr. Moore described as �consistent contributions.� That�s how we make it through the tough times. We all give, as much as we can, every single day, and with that kind of effort, with those �consistent contributions,� we will succeed. I guarantee it.
Bull in the City (4-2) 124 Big Bad Bretts (2-4) 62 BO: I guess I get to go first this time, and I�m glad I do, because I get to recap a game that had to put a smile on the face of my close friend and loyal supporter, Mr. Randy Chambers. And I�ll be frank here; I�ve known and respected Randy for many years now, enough so that our families, along with our good friend Bill Ayers, bought a little skiing place in a remote alpine village together. So when I tell you that he is as happy with his current quarterback Drew Brees as he has ever been with any quarterback he has ever had, I remember, first hand, his championship runs with Daunte Culpepper. And he is understandably happy with Brees because he scored 30 points this week. He is also elated with the play of Clinton Portis, who had 20, and Frank Gore, who had 14. Those three young men were his keepers, his core guys, and I know, when you get those kinds of performances from your core guys, good things will follow. One of those good things was the return of legendary receiver Marvin Harrison. Like many of us, Marvin has been struggling a little bit this year. But Marvin caught two TD�s this week and bounced back with 17 amazing points. It wasn�t quite enough to earn him a gameball but he was promoted to the WR slot from the o-flex. And while my friend had every right to take the gameball for himself to reward his personnel maneuvering, Randy isn�t that type of man. No, instead he gave the gameball to �rent-a-TE� Mercedes Lewis for his 10 points. And that is the type of man Randy is. He rewards excellence on the field over good fortune off it. That�s good leadership. That�s the type of leadership I�ve learned from my relationship with Randy. It�s the type of leadership that has been missing in Washington for the past eight years, and it�s the type of leadership I will return to Washington. Finally, I�d like to add that Randy started Jerricho Cotchery this week, and there�s nothing more to that, I just like to say his name. JM: See, my friends, once again my opponent just doesn�t get it. He spouts a lot of nonsense about friendships and leadership, but when it gets down to it, at the end of the day, he just doesn�t have the real world experience that a leader really needs. He�s never been south of our border before! Heck, I used to play pinochle with Manuel Noriega every Tuesday back in the late �70�s. No, I want to talk about a real leader now, a leader by the name of Brett Favre. Randy Chambers, the elitist that he is, doesn�t want to see Brett Favre play. He�s happy to let one of the great quarterbacks in the history of the league, the namesake of Steve Johnson�s franchise, rot on the bench rather than use his years of knowledge and expertise. Johnson could use Favre. His quarterback, Jake Delhomme, didn�t score a point in the blowout loss. And according to my vice-presidential nominee who saw the game, Chambers exploded one of his trusty old pipe bombs right next to Brett running back Joseph Addai, who is now injured for a month. I ask you, is that right? Is that the type of leadership you want in Washington? Even when the score was out of reach, Chambers continued to pile on the points, further embarrassing the Brett�s proud owner. But I�ll say this, my friends; I say Chambers only embarrassed himself. And he continues to embarrass himself every day with his treatment of great veteran like Brett Favre. Pardon me, I need a sec. You see, I know the veterans. I sit with them every day. And I can empathize with Mr. Favre because I too have spent time in captivity. I know what it�s like. So sure, the Bretts lost a football game. Sure, other than Greg Jennings, the entire team was a complete let-down. But I�ll take Steve Johnson and Brett Favre over Randy Chambers and his �Washington elite� pals any day. And I think most of you good Americans out there would agree with me.
Syracuse 44�s (3-3) 93 P-Miss Envy (2-4) 67 JM: My opponent earlier was talking about the notion of �consistent contributions� and that idea is one of the few things that my opponent and I can agree on. See, my friends, take the 44�s for example. Their owner, John Stoer, has always been one of the most wildly inconsistent owners in Modano history. He likes to make a lot of moves and most of them, let�s be honest here, tend not to work out for him. But he�s a maverick, like myself, and he�s not afraid to take chances or to make the tough calls. The �media-elite� call him a trickster, but really he�s just an average joe like you or me, trying to do what he thinks is best for his team. So it�s nice to see him rewarded once in a while like he was this past week when he got his �consistent contributions.� No one player was outstanding, but the gameball went to quarterback Jay Cutler for his 15 points. He was also given a nice trip to Cairo by his owner. Cairo is a wonderful city, my friends, and I�ve been there, on the ground, and to this day, I still have lunch with Anwar Sadat�s widow, Jehan, once a month at a little diner near the University of Maryland. She�s a wonderful woman. But, back to the game, Stoer also got significant performances from Andre Johnson, Ronnie Brown, and new safety Eric Weddle. More importantly though, he had five other players score seven or more points, and while that may not seem like a lot, those are the kind of points that add up, that give you that comfortable winning margin that everyone is seeking. It was maverick Stoer at his best as the two players he signed late in the week, LJ Smith and Brandon Stokley, both came through. Really the only player who played below his level was running back Adrian Peterson who managed a mere one point against a truly awful defense because he lost a couple of fumbles. Stoer made him watch Rocky IV as penance, though I�m not sure why, as that movie is as solid a piece of American cinema as those �Hollywood-elites� out there in California can produce. And listen, friends, I know it�s a free country and freedom of speech is great and all, but I don�t think any self-respecting hard-working Americans, like I know most of you are, will go see Oliver Stone�s new movie �W.� He�s the sitting President for jiminy-sakes, and though he is a soulless, corrupt imbecile who has watched with drooling befuddlement while others have governed us into the crisis we face today, his office at least deserves our respect. BO: I agree with my opponent that the office of the Presidency deserves respect, but don�t let his little diatribe against George Bush sway you from the fact that my opponent has agreed with George Bush and his failed policies 90% of the time. But really, we don�t need to get into that again. What we should be talking about, what the American people want to hear us talking about I suspect, is what�s going on with Perry Missner and his Envy. They are now 2-4 after this week�s loss and the despair in Louisiana is as thick as the gumbo these days. Missner was even quoted as saying that this may be another lost season. What can be done to help? Well, let�s start with the good news first. His quarterback, Donovan McNabb, continues to play at a Hall-of-Fame level and he did score 20 points this week, earning a gameball. New running back Matt Forte continues to impress since coming over in a trade and he scored 13 points while defenders Jon Beason and Jon Vilma added eight points each. That�s the good. Now for the bad news. His pair of University of Miami running backs, Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee, combined for a worthless three points. His star WR, TJ Houshmanzadeh, continued to disappoint and added three points also. All in all, the Envy had seven of their eleven players score four points or less. That�s as bad as the movie Little Giants. Still, even with all of that, there is hope. As long as Missner doesn�t look to the past, to fondly remember his BluePerry Pancake days, and as long as he, unlike our current President, takes some accountability for his failed policies, his failed keeper selections, then there is hope for the future, and the future of the Envy franchise. Because if there is one idea I believe in as much as any other, it�s that change- a positive change- can occur if you want it, work for it, and will it to happen. And I believe, that as the great Aretha Franklin once sang, A Change is Gonna Come.
County Coroners (3-3) 87 Wookies (2-4) 61 BO: While my opponent likes to put down the citizens of the great state of California, I think a great many of them are the smart, dedicated type of Americans you see in every state in our great country. Take, for example Chad Nuss, owner of the Coroners. This is a man who very easily could have packed it up and called it a day years ago. His franchise, long a resident of the Modano basement and the butt of late night jokes, has clearly not been the great American success story. It hasn�t helped that his team has been living in the shadow of his cross-town rival Cubists, a team that has enjoyed a great deal of success. But Nuss likes to think of his franchise as his business. And like most small business owners in America, he has put years worth of sweat equity into his business, and he would rather lose his right arm than see it fail. So when a little bit of success comes his way, he�s not the type to let it go to his head. Too many years of being beaten down has seen to that. But success is what the Coroners are seeing this year, limited as it may be. It starts with their quarterback, the top player in all of Modano this season, Philip Rivers. Rivers scored 30 points this week, the fourth time he has scored over 25 in six short weeks. It continues with Brandon Jacobs, a powerful runner, who added 10 more points to his total this week. And it ends with the often overlooked special teams and kicker Nate Kaeding, who padded his league leading total with 12 points. Now my opponent would probably point to the Coroners 3-3 record and expect �more of the same�, but I see the Coroners as representative of so many Americans out there who don�t want more of the same. Chad Nuss, a man who embodies the qualities of hard work, dedication, and perseverance, expects more from his team than �more of the same.� And if he, like so many of you, expects it from his business, why shouldn�t he expect it from his government as well. Like Chad, I don�t believe that �more of the same� works. Like Chad, I�ve seen the past, lived through it, and I know there is more. Like Chad, I know to expect more. Small steps. That�s what it takes, my fellow Americans. But if Chad can find success, even one small step at a time, then I know that all of us, all Americans, can find success too. JM: Okay, okay, I can�t just sit here while my opponent continues to overstate the truth and misrepresent reality. My friends, the fact of the matter is simply that the Coroners played a game against a lawless, hippie bunch of drug dependent lunatics. I saw those kinds of people when I was �in country� and I know what kind of internally destructive force they can be. They have no values, no morals, or if they do it�s not like the values and morals that so many Americans I meet have. I mean Randy Moss? The guy is out to lunch. He should be criminally indicted. He only scored one point against the Coroners and, you know what, he didn�t even care. And while I dearly love the city of Cleveland and all the wonderful people in the great state of Ohio, this guy should be shipped straight to some drug rehab facility there where he can watch the river burn. And Santana Moss? He�s so clearly in Randy Moss� pocket, that he scored one point as well in a show of lock-step unity not seen since the days of Stalin. And I don�t know Wookies owner Will Mitchell. I�m sure he�s a fine man who has simply lost his way a little bit, but when he makes comments like �we suck ass,� you have to realize that the apple doesn�t fall far from the tree. Thinking of the Wookies, I was struck by a line from the movie Tin Cup, where the little Hispanic marijuana-user, I forget his name, says something like, �You don�t got the game, la cabeza, the mental game.� That�s what drugs do to you; they mess with your mind and lead you down the path of ruin. Trust me, I�ve seen it. Jared Allen doesn�t do drugs and he scored 12 points, the only Wookie to reach double digits and the gameball earner. He�s a shining example of what a strong, drug-free American can achieve. And listen, I know the score. I�ve heard of Family Guy. But what do we want to teach our children, and more importantly, who do we want to teach our children? I say not Bill Ayers, and not Randy Moss, and not the little Hispanic marijuana-user. And I believe that the majority of decent, honest Americans would agree with me on that.
Weaselicious Cookies (5-1) 80 Red Herrings (2-4) 65 JM: For the final recap of the evening, let me just say that it comes as no surprise to me that the �media elite� have decided to bury a great American story like Dan Weitz and his first place Cookies on the back page. If anyone should be front and center in the Modano world this year, it should be Weitz. He finished his 2007 season as the third worst team even though he had Tom Brady, who had the best season ever recorded in Modano history. And we can talk frankly here my friends. His first round draft pick was Rudi Johnson, a player who has been a non-factor in the league this season. In week one, Brady gets injured and is lost for the season. After week five, his best receiver, Anquan Boldin, decides to take a break to watch �24� reruns. And, as an aside, that�s a great show. If Jack Bauer was real, I�d have him as my VP in a second. As it is, I tried to get Kiefer Sutherland, but I was told he�s Canadian. Anyway, here is Dan Weitz, the quintessential down-on-his-luck American, having to field a team that is without Brady, without Boldin, and without Johnson. And what does he do? He found a way to win. He brought in David Garrard to be his quarterback and he scored 14 points. His keeper running backs, Marion Barber and Maurice Jones-Drew scored an amazing 17 and 21 respectively. But most importantly, and because I�m behind in the polls, I think the only logical conclusion to draw, after the Cookies won their fifth game of the season, is that the victory had to be because of his strong pro-life stance, his unbreakable ties with the NRA, and his firm belief that evolution is a theory created by the �Hollywood-Washington-Media elite�. Is there another rational explanation? I�m sure my opponent would like to explain it away with talk of luck or being in the right place at the right time. But, my friends, we know better don�t we? We know that our faith is what gets us through the day. We know that sometimes miracles do happen. The �media elite� doesn�t want to acknowledge it, but they happen anyway. And if I can leave you with anything, it�s this: Look at the Cookies. They are 5-1 and leading the Modano standings. They have no quarterback, no wide receiver, and a bust of a first round pick, and you know what, they are winning. They are winning, my friends, because they have faith. Faith is what got me through my hellish years in Southeast Asia. Faith is what gets you through your day, through these difficult times, and it�s faith, nothing more, which will see us all be like the Cookies someday. Thank you and good night. BO: My opponent makes a good, if slightly psychotic, point. Faith is important. It�s an essential part of who I am and how I raise my children. And if I am to be your next President, I believe it�s the ineffable currency with which our country will build our children�s future. What that means is, simply, that we have to have faith in each other. Charlie Mitchell, the owner of the Herrings, is trying to build that same model within his own franchise. It�s a young franchise and so it will take time, but his players know that they have an owner who is searching for positive results. He has already made one trade this season, and that trade brought him dividends this week. Running back Correll Buckhalter, subbing for the injured Brian Westbrook, worked his way to seventeen strong points. Another player from that deal, wide receiver Reggie Wayne, added thirteen, though he also had a seventy yard TD called back because of a penalty. And those are the kind of mistakes that are hurting the Herrings right now. Sure, his detractors will say he is playing too many rookies. Sure, his detractors will say he doesn�t have a top quarterback. Sure, his detractors will say he doesn�t have a defensive star. Charlie Mitchell doesn�t care. He has faith. And so while he calmly decided to avoid the media until his team wins a game, he also forced his team to watch the games of the Boston Red Sox. If ever there was a team fueled on faith, if ever there was a team driven by destiny, it would be that baseball team. And Charlie Mitchell knows that. That�s why he wants his football team to be like them, to play hard, to believe in each other, and most of all, to believe in themselves. We should all be so lucky. And like my colleague in the Senate, let me too finish by saying it�s been an honor to do be here, to do this, and I hope that when you put your head on your pillow after an exhausting day of work, something pretty much all of us do every night, I hope that you ask yourself this: who do you have more faith in to change these past eight years of the Bush administrations failed policies- Barack Obama or John McCain? Good night and God Bless America.
Week Seven previews - It�s unanimous. The prime time week 7 game will see the 5-1 Cookies square off against the high-scoring 4-2 Bull City squad. Bull City has owned this series, winning 16 of the 20 times these two teams have squared off. While the Cookies are off to their best start in franchise history, they will be hard pressed to stop a Bull City squad that is averaging over 103 points a game this year. Randy Chambers has returned TE Bo Scaife to the lineup as well as adding new defender LaMarr Woodley. An ever hopeful Chambers said, �The fellas are rounding into form at the right time. Hopefully, the Cowboys will be as fumble-prone against the Rams as the Skins were, and Dan will forget to change his roster.� As of press time, that is the case, as on the bye QB David Garrard pretends to take first team reps. It would be a crying shame if this important game were not played on a level playing field. The 4pm game is a good one, as Rich Joseph takes his 4-2 Busters to the 2-4 Bretts. This is as close to an early season do-or-die game for the Bretts as can be, and they hope that the long-awaited return of Marques Colston can bolster an otherwise lethargic o-flex. Big Ben Roethlisberger also returns to take the reins of this faltering team. Steve Johnson couldn�t be interrupted from his viewing of Jenna Jameson�s Tight End 4, a movie that is weak on the football but still manages to hold a man�s interest. He did mumble something about hope before he slammed the office door in our face. The Bretts own a 6-4 series lead, but that didn�t stop a cocky Rich Joseph from saying, �Time to pick on a 2-4 Bretts!� Joseph has retained his same starting lineup with the exception being the addition of LB Ray Lewis. The lead 1pm game is a make-or-break game between the 3-3 44�s and the 3-3 Coroners. Both teams need to win this week to keep pace with the top teams. The 44�s own a solid 13-6 series edge and have added TE Heath Miller to their squad. Nuss and his Coroners keep the same starting offense, but go with an all-Raider defense that is sure to intimidate and scare young 44 QB Jay Cutler. 44�s owner John Stoer said this leading up to the game, �I�m tired of being a yo-yo. I�d rather lose ten games in a row than keep this win-lose bull-smucky going. It�s now or never gentlemen. Become who you were born to be.� Another 1pm game sees the 3-3 Cubists take on the 2-4 Wookies. Cubists owner Jason Moore will be watching the team reports closely this week to see if broken QB Tony Rhomo will start with a broken pinky finger. His week long diet of ice cream and Saved By the Bell videos will surely have done wonders. The Cubists are a remarkable 8-2 in week 7 games, while the Wookies are a doomed 1-8, and still a dispirited Moore said, �I guarantee you I have never carried 4 QB�s on my roster before. This will probably be the week Cassel and Moss hook up for 3 TD�s.� A struggling Wookies owner Will Mitchell simply said to his team, �Do or die time.� Finally, the 2-4 Envy face the 2-4 Herrings. Both teams are doing their best to put their best lineup forward, but both teams have also run into some bad luck. Jeff Garcia, Dominic Rhodes, and Mewelde Moore start for the Envy while Kyle Orton, Devin Hester and Kevin Faulk start for the Herrings. A cocky Missner taunted, �Ah, the Red Herrings. They have lost four in a row and have some bye week issues. Maybe we can eek out a win. Hopefully, he will go with the Orton-Hester combo - that'd be nice. We have new wonder twins on defense - Vilma and Beason.� Herring owner Charlie Mitchell meanwhile is standing true to his vow to avoid the media until his Herrings return to the victory column.
----------------------------------Everybody Knows that the Bird is the Word Press------------------------