SF Cubists (3-2) 101 Big Bad Bretts (2-3) 79 In a week full of blow out wins, none was more impressive than Jason Moore�s Cubists domination of Steve Johnson�s Bretts. In the week five prime time game, the Bretts were unable to avenge their heartbreaking week seventeen defeat that not only closed the 2007 season but perhaps also ended any hopes they had on building a dynasty. There is only one dynasty in Modano football and it still resides in the City by the Bay. And while there as many people who think they know how to build a dynasty as there are people who think they know how to �fix� the economy, the 2008 version of the Cubists are relying on the oldest and purest form of victory: domination by keeper. It�s a formula that was perfected by BC owner Randy Chambers back in his dream Daunte-Moss-Alexander days. These days, Moore is trotting out Modano�s #2 QB, Tony Rhomo (5/99) as well as the #1 RB Reggie Bush (5/71) and WR Larry Fitzgerald (5/54)--- keepers all. Johnson nailed it on the head in his post game comments when he said plainly, �His keepers killed mine. Enough said.� This coming from the owner who has kept the best trio of RB�s in Modano two years running. But the facts don�t lie. Stat of the week: The Cubists have 224 points from their keepers through five weeks. Other than BC, who�ve scored a more than respectable 185, the next closest total is Johnson�s Bretts with 120 points. That�s a more than 100 point margin over the third best in just five weeks. (The Herrings and Wookies bring up the rear with 68 and 67 respectively. Rhomo and Bush each have more individually.) As Johnson noted, the Cubists keepers performed beautifully again in week five. And as much as we in the media would like to deny it, Tony Rhomo may just be the best QB in all of Modano. He threw three more TD�s en route to another 20 point day and commented after the win, �Man, I may need to get a real job. This is so easy a caveman could do it. And, oh man, I love those commercials. Like the one where the caveman is playing tennis against that other less hairy dude and the score is so lopsided that he quits. Actually, I don�t really get it, but it still cracks me up, �cause the caveman is, like, so hairy. I mean why doesn�t he just get a haircut?� The Cubists now own a 12-6 series edge and are 8-3 in week 5 games. Reggie Bush had his third all-pro game of the year with an exhilarating 21 late Monday points, while Mr. Integrity, Larry Fitzgerald, enjoyed his first all-pro day with 15. TE Chris Cooley even stopped posting internet photos of �Mr. Tony� long enough to join into the fun for the first time this year with a much needed 13 points, earning him a game ball from Moore. K John Kasay (2/16) provided the final double digit day with 10 points, while the vaunted Cubist D-flex contributed a second straight 15 point week, giving Moore perhaps something to grumble about in the team meetings this week, that and the ridiculous payroll imbalances in baseball. His rookie RB�s, Chris Johnson (4/29) and Jonathan Stewart (3/24), showed why they are rookies and also had very down weeks as well with 2 and 1 points respectively. Still, the Cubists will get no sympathy from the Bretts (or anyone else in the league) after this victory, the Bretts worst loss since 2005. The baseball-hating Johnson gave his game ball to QB Jake Delhomme (3/42) for his all-pro 18 point day, and he was also generally pleased with underappreciated WR Greg Jennings (4/48) and his eleven points. While keeper RB Steven Jackson was spared any ridicule since he was on the bye, the remainder of the Brett RB�s felt their coach�s wrath after the game, specifically, RB�s LaDanian Tomlinson (5/49) and Joseph Addai (4/36). While Addai scored 10 points to LT�s 3, he�s increasingly looking like a lesser Tim Hightower these days. Still, their thirteen combined points equaled the output of Chris Cooley- a stat that Moore felt was the difference in the game. New TE Owen Daniels continued the Brett frustration at the position with a mere three points, prompting Johnson to fondly remember being able to play Marques Colston at the position during his championship �06 run. When asked who his QB was that year, he mumbled, �Ahh wait� I know this one� it�s� ahh� just on the tip of my tongue� huhhhh?� It seems the Cubists have left Johnson and the Bretts concussed and confused following their week five encounter, and while the Cubists, winners of three in a row, are starting to pick up steam, the Bretts still need to figure out how to beat the best.
Weaselicious Cookies (4-1) 105 Syracuse 44�s (2-3) 78 The week five 4pm game produced this press statement from the Syracuse 44 media relations department after the game, �Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word- life- it means forever, and that�s a mighty long time, but I�m here to tell you, there�s something else: the afterworld. A world of never-ending happiness. You can always see the sun. Day, or night. So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, doctor-everything-be-all-right, instead of asking him how much of your time is left, ask him how much of your mind, baby? �Cause in this life, things are much harder than the afterworld. This life? You�re on your own.� A confused press corps was left wondering about the state of 44�s owner John Stoer�s mind following his team�s blowout loss to Dan Weitz� Cookies. A delirious Stoer, on a stretcher and headed for the nearest hospital, was pressed for comment as he was wheeled towards the waiting ambulance, but all he could say was a rambling string of nonsense, �Consolidate the baseball divisions mental health patrick willis love patrick love love love stupid divisions stupid maroney johnson peterson maroney carlson carlson carlson carlson where garrard traitor no what wait baseball sacrifice out boldin hurt ouch no winfield winfield no winfield no no no no no no no wait no winfield bad winfield bad bad bad,� at which point he passed into a coma. There is no word yet on his status but, needless to say, our thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family. (Of course we are contractually obligated to say that even though we don�t know the man or his family. But it makes us seem sympathetic even though we�ll be laughing at the nearest steakhouse tonight, downing our Argentinean beef with some Chilean wine thanks to our corporate expense account.) While the concern for Stoer continues, he will at least be able to take some hope from his starting QB Jay Cutler (4/86) and his 16 all-pro points as well as a pair of 14 point newcomers- keeper Ronnie Brown, unbelievably getting his first action of the season in week 5, and new WR Andre Johnson (4/25). But it will not be as much satisfaction as Dan Weitz will take from this victory which leaves him alone a top the Modano standings at 4-1. This was the first time the Cookies have scored more than 100 points this year, it was their first blow out win, and they have now matched their best start ever in franchise history. Weitz has been content to let his play on the field speak for the franchise and who can argue with the strategy so far. A franchise that was once known for sideline turmoil and familial infighting has become a model franchise known for savvy player-personnel moves and unconventional game day lineups. Using their 5th QB in five weeks, Weitz hired ex-44/Buster David Garrard (3/42) who rewarded his new owner with a 14 point game. It was matched by underrated LB DJ Williams (5/47) and nearly equaled by drug seeking K Neil Rackers and his 13 points. WR Chris Chambers (5/43) produced a solid eight points, while Modano�s leading receiver heading into week five, Anquan Boldin (5/50), scored a predictable 0 points since everyone knew he was taking the next month off to catch up on �24� reruns to be ready for the new season. But no one knows his players like Weitz, so he inserted Boldin into the lineup anyway, knowing full well that �24�-a-holic, DB Antoine Winfield, would be so incensed at the special treatment, that he�d take it out on the 44�s. Winfield scored 25 explosive DB points (the second DB to do that against the 44�s in 3 weeks) and then screamed at his owner, �You know I love that show! Why, why would you let Anquan watch reruns and not me? I�ll bet you Anquan doesn�t even remember when Jack cried on the phone with his daughter before he nuked half of Nevada. Or that other time when he was half-naked and sweaty and being tortured by that other half-naked sweaty guy, or that other time he made out with that athletic black guy or, oh, uhm, well� you got your 25 points and your win. I feel so used.� Expect Winfield to try to save the day yet again in week six, though someone will have to step in for Boldin. That said, Weitz seems to have a nice read on his team this year and is pushing all the right buttons so far. There�s no reason to expect that to stop.
Bull in the City (3-2) 102 Red Herrings (2-3) 98 The only competitive game of the week saw the veteran edge of Randy Chambers Bull City squad squeak one out over rising star Charlie Mitchell and his Herrings. For the second week in a row, Mitchell�s team posted a 98 on the scoreboard, only to fall short, and if any owner has reason to scream and whine, it�s Mitchell. Still he remains remarkably upbeat, refusing to complain, and his team seems to feed off of that energy. For the third straight week, Jason Campbell (3/48) manned the helm of the Herring ship, though he had his worst day as a Herring with seven points. Broken all-pro RB Brian Westbrook (4/53) returned to the lineup, only to break himself even more on his way to 11 points, while new WR Reggie Wayne (4/40) hauled in a late TD to post a very solid 12 in his Herring debut. But the game ball was given to deserving rookie Steve Slaton (2/31) whose all-pro 18 points led the Herrings. All was not well though as another member of the Herring rook-a-trois, WR DeSean Jackson, illegally returned a punt for a TD (thanks to Mitchell�s many �contributions� to the referee pension fund, the TD stood, even against clear video evidence), while the bitch of group, RB Felix Jones, sat on the bench and cried on his iphone to his mommy. Mitchell was also highly critical of his d-flex, a patchwork unit led by chef Cortland �Bam� Finnegan and which featured two newcomers, LB�s Chad Greenway and Jerod Mayo (another rookie). Their 16 combined points led Mitchell to cut off their post game oxygen supply over and over again until they refunded their game day checks. A very calm Mitchell didn�t address his torturous practices, but did say, �We�re shaking our heads a little bit. Our offense looks sharp, but we have no answer right now on the other side of the ball. Here�s to Terrence McGee�s speedy recovery.� There�s a Modano first. The Herrings have used eight different defenders so far in �08- a league high- and are certainly looking for someone to bring the unit together, other than Terrence McGee (4/25) of course. But Bull City owner Randy Chambers knows just how potent McGee can be as McGee learned all his defensive/return tricks from special teams master Chambers during the past few seasons. If McGee had not been on the bye, would he have performed against his former master? We�ll never know. But Bull City has moved on from McGee and they have a new DB in town by the name of Charles �Peanut� Tillman (2/19). Tillman was one of two 14 point scorers for City this week, the other being Michael �Every-other-week� Turner (5/69), who was on this week. In a balanced attack, they were only two of the seven City players to score in double digits this week. RB Clinton Portis (5/57) once again did the heavy lifting with an all-pro 15 points. K Shaun Suisham added a dozen more to raise his Modano leading total to 46. Captain Hiney returned to Chambers good graces with a dozen as well, but once again, and there is no way to get around it, the story of this team was their quarterbacks. Fortunately for Chambers, a suddenly shackle-free Brett Favre was off playing touch football in the Mississippi swamps in his Wrangler jeans during his bye week, but backup QB Aaron Rodgers looked like Rain Man in an airplane as QB Drew Brees (3/68) managed a pedestrian 10 points to keep the game close. The professional Brees didn�t comment after the game but we caught up with a tweaking Aaron Rodgers after the game, who said, �Play me, I mean just play me. I�m better than he is. I think. I mean I know. Crap, wait. I mean, OK, fine, he�s good too and I�ll be a team player. I�m just tired of literally having to paint a picture of his face over the team urinals. First off, the urinals smell bad, but more than that, it�s just extremely disturbing on so many levels when the guys have to pee. It�s not right. And then of course there is Drew. I really don�t have anything against him personally; I just want to play.� Chambers clearly knows what he is doing though as his team is averaging 99 ppg this year and are now 7-3-1 in week 5 games. They are also the highest scoring team in all of Modano and have scored 100 more points than the first place Cookies, prompting dreams of another championship banner flying high over the Bull City stadium.
The Ballbusters (3-2) 93 County Coroners (2-3) 70 Buster owner Rich Joseph left for his fall home- his seats in left field at Fenway- this week, but he stuck around long enough to see his Busters jump back over the .500 mark with a convincing victory over the free falling Coroners. Golden arm QB Peyton Manning (4/54) was back in action after a restful week doing God�s work in Tennessee. All the spiritual enrichment led Manning to his best game of the year- an all-pro 18 point day. Manning said after the game, �Thank you. It just shows what faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, can do for you. He brings me such peace of mind, such happiness. Happiness is more important than any amount of money I might earn. Happiness with the Lord. Can I get an Amen?� He could not. Manning eschewed the pitiful Buster ground game and just decided to let the Lord guide his throws all day. WR Terrell Owens (5/50) was a benefactor with 10 points while team mate Jason Witten (4/40) one-upped him with 11. Game ball earner Roddy White (3/20) was resurrected with a 14 point afternoon while new disciple John Abraham (3/29) led the strong defense with 10 solid points. The victory was the Busters 50th in franchise history and they now lead the series over the Coroners 7-3. A relieved Joseph said, �We needed this one bad!� Chad Nuss felt that his Coroners needed this one bad too, but he couldn�t rally his team enough to stop them from losing their third straight game after opening the season 2-0. He was so frustrated that he slammed his locker room door closed just as the media was preparing to enter, but the flimsy door did nothing to contain the sound of Nuss� post-game tirade. ManBeast Brandon Jacobs (4/42), who had 21 points, and QB Philip Rivers (5/104), who had 12, were excused from the temper tantrum due to their fine play (Rivers continues to lead all of Modano in scoring), but the entire rest of the team was forced to listed to Nuss rant on about the abominable quality of their performance. This included RB Ryan Grant (4/10) for his 5 points, WR Brandon Marshall (4/42) for his awful one point, and a defense led by keeper LB London Fletcher (5/30) which only accumulated 11 points between the three of them. Newcomers DB Michael Lewis and DL Joey Porter provided no spark as they tallied seven points. Nuss has seen enough three game losing streaks in his Coroner tenure and his tirade was aimed at getting the Coroners to play like men in their next game not like the Pop Warner performance they showed this week. The Busters on the other hand have positioned themselves rather nicely in the Modano standings. They are right in the thick of things once again, but still sort of under the radar of opposing clubs. It�s a nice position to be in and one that Joseph will take.
WP-Miss Envy (2-3) 98 Wookies (2-3) 59 What are the poor stinky Wookies to do? After getting blown out for the third time in five games this season and for the 40th time in franchise history, where does Wookie owner turn for help? Clearly not to Matt Cassel, the ex-USC towel boy, who got his first Modano start and managed a decent 10 point effort. His production wasn�t so much the issue as it was his leadership skills which clearly came into question during the game. Cassel locked in on one player and one player only during the game, leaving the rest of the team to wonder why they were being so obviously ignored. New RB Marshawn Lynch (5/47) managed only three points, one less than backfield mate Ernest Graham (5/38). Young stud WR Calvin Johnson (4/31) slept walked his way to one point, one more than the still slumbering mini-me WR Santana Moss (2/9) or TE Antonio Gates (5/27). No, the only player that Cassel would play with was returning WR Randy Moss (4/28), who proudly proclaimed, �I�m back baby. Yep. Took a little trip to the desert to clear my head, ate some grade-A �shrooms, tripped my face off, and now I�m back. I got my 14 points. I did my job. The rest of those lazy bums need to get some desert air, start seeing purple coyotes and listening to talking turtles. Then they�ll be ready to play with me. Man I feel good. Those fools don�t know what they�re missing.� What they are missing is a sense of pride and personal responsibility. Maybe Randy Moss is the answer to the Wookie problems, but given his history, pardon us if we�re skeptical. One thing we are not skeptical about though is Envy owner Perry Missner�s passion to win. A jubilant Missner said after the victory, �Ah, there's nothing like laying the smackdown on a stinky pitted Wookie. We talked tough last week and backed it up. Lance Briggs was especially good and he was yapping all game. Meanwhile, I didn't feel like my team had enough characters, so I brought back Benson and brought in Sea Bass. Jeff Garcia is bringing the ladies. Let's get this party started!� The party had actually started hours earlier as the Envy danced all over the Wookies. They were led by �T.J. gave up the hush and put the Ooh in Houshmandzadeh. Nice game!� and his first all-pro game with 17 points. New fan fave RB Matt Forte (4/43) also went all-pro on the Wookie D with 15 points. The aforementioned Lance Briggs (5/45) was more than solid with 12 yappy points while his menacing team mate Jon Beason (5/42) added a mean 10. Everything Missner touched turned to gold as new pick up RB Le�Ron McClain hit pay dirt with 9 points and a TD. About the only sour notes for the Envy were the apparent dissolution of the Wondertwins, as Willis McGahee can�t seem to get any playing time in the crowded Envy backfield, and the waiving of veteran kicker David Akers (5/42) following his 5 point day. Missner called Akers a �bum� and flipped him a quarter to call somebody who cares saying, �My agent Drew Rosenhaus told me that money is everything, and since he has my best interest in heart, I believe him.� Missner was feeling so good that he expounded on his dream of replacing the lousy Bud Selig by saying, �I'd do three things [to change baseball], but the first one would be to put pressure on Fox to fire Tim McCarver. He's brutal. Next, I'd align both leagues with the DH. It's embarrassing to have two different games. Lastly, I'd push for all teams to lower ticket prices, thereby making me the most popular commish in baseball history.� Money and popularity. Missner wants it all. After this convincing win, he might also be on his way to something he wants more than anything: a Modano championship.
Week Six previews - Our week 6 prime time game features the only battle on the schedule this week featuring two teams with winning records, the 3-2 Cubists against the 3-2 Ballbusters. The Busters actually own a 5-4 series edge over the Cubists, but the mighty Cubists have taken the past three meetings. Rich Joseph has only altered his lineup slightly by replacing RB Thomas Jones for Jerious Norwood, and more changes to the squad will be unlikely while Joseph remains at his fall home over the weekend. Cubist owner Jason Moore has made a few changes. In this week are WR�s Ocho Cinco and Donald Driver, as well as LB Will Witherspoon and new K Ryan Longwell. Notably absent are rookie RB Chris Johnson and WR Santonio Holmes. All of the powerful Cubist keepers will start. A worried Moore noted, �The Ballbusters have always been a tough matchup for us. With a couple of flex players on the bench, we need Ocho Cinco and Driver to step up.� The late afternoon Modano game sees the high powered Bull City squad take on the always potent Brett team. The question on everyone�s mind is: will Chambers let Favre play against his namesake? At this point the answer seems to be no as Drew Brees has been taking the first team reps in practice all week. At this point uncertainty surrounds the City clubhouse as many changes will need to be made before game time, but so far, none of them have been made. Steve Johnson is too smart to fall for any game week trickeration though. He returns Steven Jackson to his running corps and will try out new WR Devery Henderson and DB Lawyer Milloy. A worried Johnson said, �Until we get some consistency going, it will be a crap shoot.� It�s a big game for the Bretts as they won�t want to fall too far behind the pack even at this early stage. BC leads this remarkably tight series 9-8. The first 1pm game sees a renewal of the famed Envy-44 Pizza Week rivalry. The 44�s own a delicious 10-9 edge in this series. Said hospitalized owner John Stoer, �If the nurses let me, I�m making a green chile and onion pizza �cause I want this win so bad I can taste it.� There is no word yet on Missner�s menu, but he did say, �There is no such thing as a down week in Modano. Every week is big, but this battle against the 44's is somewhat special. We've got their former poster boy going against the 49ers, while they have our mainstay B-Url Ives. Our offensive line is going to be chop blocking and spitting. Our defense is going to rough up AP just like the Saints did (huh?). Lastly, we hope our receivers are ready to catch Donovan bombs. Know what I mean, Vern?� The 44�s will return Plaxico Burress and Torry Holt to the lineup while the Envy will reunite the Wondertwins. Maybe. Another 1pm game sees the first place Cookies try and hold on to their slim one game lead by taking on the unlucky Herrings. There isn�t much history between the two teams, but what little there is benefits the Herrings who have never lost to the Cookies. The Cookies have removed Anquan Boldin and returned the whiny Roy Williams while the Herrings are going with the surprise move of Devin Hester and the return of journeyman DL Travis LaBoy. Finally the Wookies will look to get back on track against a stumbling Coroner team that has lost three in a row. The loser of this game will be in serious trouble. The Wookies are hoping that RB Darren McFadden will exact some revenge on the owner who passed him over in the draft while the Coroners are hoping that all the carries go to returning RB Justin Fargas. In a week full of tight series, this one is the closest as the Coroners have taken the past three meetings to even the series at 9-9.
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