Wookies (1-2) 64 Red Herrings (2-1) 54 The week 3 prime time game was billed as a blood feud between brother�s Charlie and Will Mitchell. What it turned into though was a blood bath with the very sport of football as the big loser. Combined, there were five players who scored in double digits while a whopping twelve scored 2 points or less. Yee-uck. For Charlie Mitchell, his hopes at seeing his Herrings remain undefeated were dashed when his pro bowl RB Brian Westbrook (3/42) went down early in the game with an apparent knee injury. It�s unclear how long Westbrook will be sidelined, but by his team�s performance in his absence, Herrings fans better hope it�s not long, though rookie RB Felix Jones (2/27) once again played well with 12 points and is looking to be potentially better than many anticipated. New QB Jason Campbell, the third different QB starter in first three weeks, performed better than the previous tenants. His 20 point effort earned him a gameball and a second start. Said Charlie Mitchell after the game, �Well, it was obvious before, without Westbrook we have no chance. The good news is we may have a QB, and Slaton looked great on the bench. For the first week, I won't bring any new QB's to town.� That optimism was a direct counterpoint to the angry Charlie Mitchell cameras caught during the game. At one point WR Andre Johnson (2/9) and TE Kellen Winslow (3/12) were seen laughing and giggling on the sidelines, even as the team continued to struggle. When confronted, it looked as if Winslow said something to the effect of, �Chill out man, go with the flow. Whatcha so worked up about anyhow?� Mitchell then threw a football into Winslow�s groin, felling the upstart TE. And in Springfield, we can be sure that Homer Simpson was laughing. (�Football in the groin; Football in the groin!!�) The Herring defense deserved a kick in the ass as well, as the trio combined for 6 lousy points. Sadly, that was only three points less than the Wookie defense scored. In fact, there seems to be a large amount of disarray in the Wookie house even though the team was victorious. New QB JT O�Sullivan was amazing in his Modano debut scoring 21 points, roughly 1/3 of the Wookie total output. Rookie RB Matt Forte (2/22) scored 15 and then was promptly traded to the P-Miss Envy for 2nd year superstar Marshawn Lynch (3/40). Meanwhile, dope fiend WR Randy Moss (3/14) continued to try to drag his teammates down with a second straight one point performance. Naturally, he blamed his performance on his lack of drugs. He said, �Man, how am I supposed to perform if I can�t get high? I don�t care about the team, this is about me. M-E. You didn�t see Michael Irvin pushin� off and scorin� touchdowns without all of his Columbian White, did ya? Naw, he was higher than that Russian space station every week, and every week, there he was, pushin� off for his touchdowns. Somebody get me high, is that too much to ask? Soon as I get my weed on, ya�ll see me back in the end zone.� Hopefully Marshawn Lynch will be bringing some when he arrives this week, otherwise who knows what kind of tantrum Moss will throw next week. Still, a win is a win, and a win over your brother is even better. Will Mitchell will be hoping that Lynch and rookie RB Darren McFadden (2/17) can team with Moss and WR Calvin Johnson (3/30) to provide some more Wookie W�s in the coming weeks. Charlie Mitchell will be looking to even the score with his brother later in the season as they play part two of the Family Feud. As for part 1, the number one answer on the board, show me� stinker!
Bull in the City (2-1) 125 Syracuse 44�s (1-2) 79 By week 9 of the 2006 season, both the 44 and BC franchises were muddling though mediocre seasons, so they reached an agreement that they both hoped would turn around their struggling teams. Randy Chambers sent reigning MVP Shaun Alexander and RB Warrick Dunn to John Stoer�s 44�s in exchange for RB Clinton Portis and a young fumbler named Frank Gore. The 44�s haven�t defeated BC once since then. In week 3 of the 2008 season, both Portis (3/34) and Gore (3/40) were instrumental in BC�s 5th straight win over the troubled 44�s, while Alexander is out of the league and Dunn is currently hoping to get picked up. Portis had 11 points and Gore had 16, but both were overshadowed by young Michael Turner (3/52) who had 24 points and is currently the leading rusher in all of Modano. If that wasn�t enough, brilliant new QB Aaron Rodgers (2/46) produced his second all-pro week in a row with 17 points, and new defensive star Antonio Cromartie added 23 on Monday night to complete the 44�s humiliation. Yet none of those players received the coveted gameball from Chambers. Instead he gave the gameball to �Greg Robinson, who brought in the kind of ball hawkin' defense that wins championships, and inspired Marvin to hit pay dirt agin' the 44s. Most importantly, he opened Chuck's a few hours early for the locals, and it looks like they lost their way to the game.� Fortunately for the inebriated hobos who make up the 44�s fan base, they were too besotted to see Chambers give the gameball to their Matt Millen-esque college coach otherwise they would have puked all over their shoes. Chambers continued, �Another game against the 44s, another win. It was great to see that our shake-up on defense finished the onslaught. Balanced attack, with TD�s from QB, RB, WR, TE and D was great to see.� Yes, BC owns a 15-4 series edge over the 44�s, something 44�s owner Stoer commented on, �Well RC kicked my ass yet again. It�s a fall ritual. Have a good draft, get psyched for some football, then wham, get blown out by BC. So how do I feel about getting annihilated by BC again? As the great Barney Gumbel said in his classic short film Pukahontas, Don�t cry for me, I�m already dead.� Sad, so sad. About the only thing these two have in common when it comes to football is watching the �75 Super Bowl, though Chambers missed all the glorious commercials as his father, in the Mesozoic pre-remote days, actually got up and walked to the TV to mute the commercials at the beginning and end of every commercial break. That would be almost as painful as watching the 44�s on this day. RB Larry Johnson (3/19) had his first good day with 14 points and new star QB Jay Cutler (2/56) had an all-pro 19. The only decent performances after that though were the gameball earning K John Carney with an off-the waiver wire/back-to-the waiver wire 14, and new �Swagger Man� Brian Urlacher with 10. Stoer was disgusted with �everyone else, but especially Plaxico, so I�m suspending him for two games, just because I�m mad with power and I can.� OK. The 44�s are now 6-5 in week 3 games and are allowing over 100 ppg for the second year in a row, while the BC train appears to be back on its title track, thanks in no small part to good QB play and the league�s most potent rushing attack. The 125 point outburst silenced, for one week at least, the growing number of Brett Favre fans in the BC area who believe that he is the only QB on the roster who can lead this current BC squad back to Titletown.
SF Cubists (1-2) 107 County Coroners (2-1) 91 This first Battle of the Bay in �08 saw a very different twist to it then past meetings. Never had an undefeated Coroner team faced a winless Cubist team this late in the season- admittedly only two games, but still. The Cubists had not lost three games in a row since way back in Bush�s first term, and after a spirited week of practice and a fiery pep talk from their owner Jason Moore, the defending champs put together a phenomenal team effort to beat the still strong Coroners. Unlike our prime time game where 5 players total scored in double digits, the Cubists in week three had 7 players on their own team who scored ten or more. Led by a healthy Reggie Bush (3/48) and a high-scoring defense that scored 37 points combined, the Cubists managed to outscore a Coroner squad which came in as the highest scoring team in the league. Moore gave Bush a gameball for his efforts and added, �The O-flex got called out, but the D-flex stepped up. We needed this one.� WR Larry Fitzgerald (3/31) added a potent 13, rookie RB Jonathan Stewart scored his first Modano points with a strong 12, while pre-natal QB Tony Rhomo (3/52) still scored 13 points even though by his own admission he was still hung over from� �all the, like, parties, and chicks, and this week, I had this one chick put beer in a baby�s bottle, and I like, drank it while she held me in her lap. Then she burped me. It was cool.� Moore doesn�t seem to mind his shenanigans as long as he puts up the points on game day. One player he isn�t putting up with much longer is WR Santonio Holmes (3/9) who scored two points on the day and has been a disappointment in his return to SF. And even larger disappointment is WR Chad Johnson (2/3) who was benched this week and force-fed piles of both spinach noodles and egg noodles over and over again until he swore that they both tasted the same. By the end, he looked like that dude from the movie �Seven� and he has since been hospitalized. His status for week 4 is uncertain. Something that is not uncertain though is the strong play of Coroner QB Philip Rivers (3/83) who added 25 more points to his league leading total. Apparently an entire off-season devoted to training, eating right, and listening to nothing but Joe Jackson�s �I�m the Man,� has worked for Rivers, who has transformed not only himself, but perhaps even the Coroner franchise as well. His favorite target continues to be WR Brandon Marshall (2/33) but once WR Steve Smith (1/4) gets back into game shape after his own two-week suspension, is it possible to expect even more out of Rivers? A little more consistent production out of the running game wouldn�t hurt as Fast Willie Parker (3/36) ground to a halt with 1 point and a knee injury, Darren Sproles managed only 5 points in his debut, and #1 overall pick Ryan Grant was benched. Said Grant of his early season difficulties, �I could have played, but Mr. Nuss has a big yard and there are still a lot of leaves I need to be raking for him, and those hedges desperately need some attention, so I felt like it was in both our best interests for me to get my chores done first before I get back to concentrating on football.� While it�s only been three weeks, spending the number one pick on a gardener probably won�t work out in the long run. Though if Grant needs an assistant to help at the Nuss estate, either of the Coroner TE�s could help since they seem to take Sunday�s off as well. Still, Rivers is the top QB in Modano and K Nate Kaeding (3/31) is the top kicker; Nuss is doing something right as the Coroners have scored over 300 points in three weeks. For the Cubists, this victory kept them from a 0-3 start, and with the Modano landscape littered with mediocrity so far in this young season, the always powerful Cubists are right back in the thick of things.
Big Bad Bretts (1-2) 89 P-Miss Envy (1-2) 76 Like the defending champion Cubists, Steve Johnson�s runner-up Bretts needed a win in week three over a long standing rival to avoid a 0-3 start. And just like the Cubists, the Bretts came through when needed. They now own an 11-6 series edge over Perry Missner�s Envy and have won three straight week three match-ups. The flip side of that coin is the Envy who have now dropped three straight week three match-ups. And as noted earlier, Missner wasted no time in making a change to his squad by bringing in rookie RB Matt Forte for keeper RB Marshawn Lynch. Lynch, aware of the trade before kick-off, but still a member of the Envy due to the Paleozoic length of time it takes trades to go through, gracefully exited the Envy with an all-pro 19 point day. Missner, ever the gentleman himself, gave the gameball to Lynch, who was also ably supported by RB Pierre Thomas (2/24) who had an all-pro day with 15 points. Defensive captain Lance Briggs (3/30) added 12 and superstar QB Donovan McNabb (3/57) had 10 before having to leave the game late after a vicious and unwarranted cheap shot by the Brett defense. Missner singled out RB and �Clerks� director Kevin Smith (3/14), who was too busy writing a sequel to �Dogma� to score any points on Sunday, though he does still firmly believe that Alanis Morrisette is in fact God. Missner could have singled out the pathetic Envy WR�s if he had wanted. For this week, Envy brought in ex-Coroner WR Vincent Jackson (2/13) who managed 4 points which doubled any effort any WR had given Missner yet. For the season, Envy WR�s have a total of 10 points. So while TJ �Hush�manzadeh remains silent, the true hole in the Missner offense remains the absence of Wonder-twin power. They were thought to make their �08 debut in week three, but it didn�t come to pass and Missner talked about the situation after the game saying, �I had a bad feeling about this,� when all of a sudden he was interrupted by Kevin Smith who said, �Huh!?� When Missner attempted to start up again, Smith repeated, �Huh!?� This went on for several minutes until Missner lost it and screamed, �That�s annoying. Nobody interrupts Perry A. Missner!� At which point the esteemed director and part-time running back burst into tears and ran away. Finally free to say what he wanted, Missner could only let out a quick, �The Bretts are just too good,� before chasing after Smith. The Bretts are quite good when they get production from their keeper running backs, and against the Envy, they came up big. Both LaDanian Tomlinson (3/25) and Joseph Addai (3/26) had all-pro 17 point days and the third member, Steven Jackson (3/17), pounded out a tough 8. But with starting QB Ben Roethlisberger (2/28) on the bench, Johnson moved to retread QB Jake Delhomme who stunk up the joint with 1 point. He was helpful to the team in other ways though as, after the game, he walked up to TE Jeremy Shockey (3/6), patted his back in congratulations after the win, and then rifled a football into Shockey�s groin. In Springfield, Homer doubled over in laughter saying, �Football in the groin; Football in the groin!� Shockey will now be out for a month while his twig and berries heal. With Big Ben also nursing an injury, Johnson hopes that Delhomme can improve on his performance, otherwise, expect the phone to be ringing in BC land where a certain someone is sitting by the phone like a teenage girl just hoping that Johnson calls.
Weaselicious Cookies (3-0) 84 The Ballbusters (1-2) 73 In what was surely a good game between two strong teams, one of whom is the leader in the Modano standings and the only team left undefeated, reports have surfaced that Dan Weitz� Cookies defeated Rich Joseph�s Busters, but those reports can not be confirmed as all press credentials were cancelled an hour before kick-off. A press release issued by a Cookie spokesman after the game said, �While owner Dan Weitz has no official comment at this time, we can say that the Cookies did in fact win the game. Maurice Jones-Drew (3/24) scored as did Marion Barber (3/51). Mark Bulger was our week 3 QB, though we do not, I repeat do not, expect him to play in week 4. As to the question of why the media was locked out of the game, I am unable to say anything at this time and Mr. Weitz would prefer not to answer any questions at this time either. We look forward to having our games viewed in the future, but, although unfortunate to you, to our many fans, and to our community, we were just not able to have that happen today.� No further explanation was forthcoming from the Cookie organization. When Buster owner Rich Joseph was asked to comment on the game and the blackout, his press department issued this press release, �Mr. Joseph would like nothing more than to comment on today�s proceedings, but he was unfortunately unable to attend the game today as he had prior commitments with some of his other sports franchises. He asked Peyton Manning to comment on the loss and Mr. Manning did confirm that the Cookies had won the game. He also confirmed that the Busters did not, in fact, play to the best of their abilities, but he wished to convey that they would be attempting to do so in the very near future. Also, finally, just a quick personnel note; DL Travis LaBoy has left the team for an undisclosed amount of time while he undertakes what he calls a �spiritual journey� of some kind, though we have no specifics on the nature of the spirituality or the length of said journey.� So the Cookies, now 7-4 in week 3 tussles, now also own outright the best record in Modano as they remain undefeated. Allowing a league low 72 ppg is certainly helping their cause. The Busters drop to 1-2 and will probably continue to have half of their owner�s attention for one final week as the baseball season draws to a close.
Week Four previews - In a unanimous vote, the week 4 primetime game will feature the two winningest teams in Modano history as the Cubists and Bull City franchises square off once again. The Cubists own a slight 10-9 series edge and a 5-4 title edge. The defending champion Cubists, taking a page from rival City coach Chambers, have benched Tony Rhomo in favor of Kurt Warner. LB Will Witherspoon rejoins the team after a brief stop in Syracuse- the same journey he took in �07, and bloated WR Chad Johnson returns as well. Jason Moore had this to say in anticipation of the game, �Everything is clicking for Bull City. We'll try to keep the ball away from Cromartie and hope that Brees hands off to Bush for TD�s.� City owner Randy Chambers has added the new Jerome Bettis, LenDale White to his already potent backfield, and returns Drew Brees to helm the City ship. Chambers commented, �This is always Armageddon for us. We have too much respect for he who has not the One Ring, but Five. Hopefully, Jamo will get so drunk at the "seminar" in New Mexico that he'll only start people who are on the bye, but somehow, I doubt it. If he sells his soul and plays Rhomo against the Skins, we'll break him (Rhomo, not Jamo).� As these two teams are almost always near the top of the leaderboard at the end of the season, this week 4 game could be crucial when it comes down to the end. Vegas opens with the Cubists as -8 favorites, but point spreads are meaningless in rivalry games like this one. Our 4pm game provides another installment in the always whimsical Cookie-Wookie match-up. The Cookies have earned a late game by their excellent play so far this season, while the Wookies will just be hoping that the addition of Marshawn Lynch spurs the team to victory. Will Mitchell has taken the extraordinary step of benching malcontent WR Randy Moss, instead going with his mini-me Santana Moss. Darren McFadden returns to the lineup as well. For the Cookies, our old friend Kerry Collins makes his Modano �08 debut, and unbelievably, WR Brandon Lloyd has earned a starting spot in a lineup. Vegas has the Wookies installed as an -11 favorite, but look for that tough Cookie D to keep matters close. Our lead 1pm game sees the surprising Coroners taking on the dangerous Bretts. The Bretts have won 10 straight in this series dating back to �02 and own a 14-2 series edge. Bye week casualty Joseph Addai is out, replaced by RB Chris Perry. Also new to the Bretts this week is tenacious LB AJ Hawk. The Coroners have reinserted gardener extraordinaire Ryan Grant and are hoping that the punishing RB Michael Bush can run over AJ Hawk to get a couple scores. The key to this game though is the intriguing Tomlinson-Sproles heads-up matchup. The winner of that matchup probably takes the game. Accordingly, Vegas has the Bretts as -13 favorites. Also at 1pm, baseball rivals Perry Missner and Rich Joseph renew their fledgling football rivalry. They have split their previous eight games. Missner welcomes Matt Forte to the squad and will surround the talented rook with �Hush� and apparently the unveiling of the Wondertwins. Missner said, in some mid-week gamesmanship, �I have a good feeling about this. No Peyton, No Eli - I don't see a QB on the other side. Of course, we have Donovan against the beloved - who he usually does well against. It's all good.� New Buster QB David Garrard (1/5) takes over for the �bye brothers� and Fred Taylor is looking to stretch his creaky legs for the first time this season. Vegas see the Busters as a one TD favorite. Finally, the Herrings face off against the 44�s. Charlie Mitchell is offering a 5% stake in the franchise to any orthopedist that can get star RB Brian Westbrook ready by Sunday in the hopes that his team can play the �the Fridge and the Bears as they crushed the Pats.� Ever the trickster, 44�s owner John Stoer has inserted Westbrook�s replacement, Correll Buckhalter into his starting lineup. Other changes to the bye-riddled 44�s include WR Bryant Johnson, K Super Joe Nedney and LB Barrett Ruud. Stoer commented, �I can�t say I�ll be totally focused on football this weekend, but hopefully my guys can play OK and get into the end zone more than Charlie�s boys.� Mitchell keeps Jason Campbell at QB as promised and inserts RB Steve Slaton and two new defenders, DB�s Cortland Finnegan (sure to be mocked next week) and the long-haired wonder Troy Polamalu. Vegas has the 44�s as a touchdown favorite, but this game could break either way.
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