Bull City (11-6) 118 The Ballbusters (10-7) 89 For the second consecutive year, the Modano championship came down a single Week 17 game. While the round robin format has its opponents, there are few more exciting things than two teams putting it all on the line with everything at stake. Buster Owner Rich Joseph was skeptical even playing on Week 17 prior to the game and he is now heading picket lines to make sure this type of debacle never happens again. Word is he believes the season should end in Week 10 when everyone is still playing. That will likely be scoffed at by league elders, who believe if they didn�t want to play on Week 17, the Busters should have won more games earlier in the season. One guy who definitely did not want to play was head Buster Peyton Manning (15/277). Manning did play one drive and managed to score a decent nine points, but it was his mentoring of Seneca Wallace that nearly saved the day. Manning used every trick in his book to push Wallace into his first ever all-pro performance with 20 points and Joseph gave him the gameball, �what more could I ask from a sub for Peyton,� said Joseph. The problem wasn�t Wallace, it was that the Bull City team was playing like it was Week 10. QB Drew Brees (15/315) was going for a passing record and was overruling running plays sent in from the sidelines. For once, the unticklish Owner Randy Chambers didn�t mind being ignored. Brees hurled his way to 36 points and was given one of �two big hairy gameballs� for being the second QB to break the 5000-yard barrier. The other �big hairy gameball� was given to the City�s �other MVP candidate� Michael Turner (16/203) who ran solidly for another 16 points. To further make his point, Chambers said, � To further make his MVP point, Chambers said, �any fool who doesn't vote for Brees or Turner for MVP is just that. One led the league in scoring whilst the other led league RBs in scoring (at least I think so, assuming DeAngelo sat once or twice). (Note that Duck had the third-highest points among QBs, had we ever played him).� That last note will be ignored. As we�ve noted before zero times infinity is still zero and that�s all the Duck is Modano land at this point. Chambers, is �not sure about the whole love thing, but if you replaced love with winning, then yes [it is better to have won and lost than to have never played the game],� was also buoyed by Mushin Muhammed who had 11 points and the pride of University of Louisiana at Lafayette Charles �Peanut� Tillman who had 13 points. For his part, Joseph blamed the loss on Thomas Jones; �, I really expected more afdter a tremendous season. Still a keeper.� Jones had one point � a total matched by Wes Welker. Joseph, who ranks in 90th percentile of being ticklish, wasn�t down for long and commended his troops on their fine season: �What a great battle from everyone this year. I was just happy to be in it at the end and wish it would have been a better fight! See you next year!� For the last words, we bow to the champs who scored over the century mark for the sixth time this season (but only second since Week 6) and said, �Not to say 'I told you so', but... I told you we'd win this week, in spite of Seneca Wallace's Peyton-like performance. There was simply no way that T.O. and Witten could continue to co-exist when the chips were down. Quitters. It was nice to see the lads rise to the occasion on consecutive weeks when it mattered most. Though I enjoyed the other three titles, it's pretty sweet to win in the post-Daunte-Moss-Alexander era and eliminate any memories of the so-called tie of yesteryear.�
Brentless Brents (9-8) 115 Peaks Island Wookies (8-9) 42 Being a graduate of Oshkosh West High School and the University of Minnesota, Owner Steve Johnson is used to being in a losing environment. Yet over the past few seasons, he has been able to shuck that woe-is-me attitude on the backs of three running backs and stake a claim in Modano glory. In that light, the 2008 season was a trying one for Johnson who saw his beloved trio of running back underperform. Prior to Week 17, Johnson laid into LaDainian Tomlinson (16/162), Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai with a speech so impassioned that Addai popped a hamstring just listening to it. For Tomlinson and Jackson, however, the speech worked and the two players ran like it was 2006 again, combining for 49 points. Would it surprise you that Johnson gave them the gameball? No, it wouldn�t? Well, would it surprise you if Johnson commented, �Nice for you guys to finally show up for a game.� I knew that would surprise you � maybe as much as Johnson saying he rated a 5 on the scale of tickleability. For the opposing team, the Wookies, the season that started with such gems as Up in Smoke and Still Smoking ended with a Corsican Brothers like dud. Only one Wookie was able to break free of the stinking cloud spell (third level magic user) � Calvin Johnson (15/142), who had yet another 19 points, despite playing for the Lions. Randy Moss, Darren McFadden, and James Harrison (16/163) officially checked out of the season prior to Week 17. Also checking out was Owner Will Mitchell, but he did supply the media with some taped comments: �We're a team to be reckoned with. We took some tough losses this year - take week 1 where we fell to bull with a fairly strong 84 point showing. Then losing week 2 with 96. and then worst of all losing week 8 to the bretts with a 107 and a 5 point squeaker to the envy in week 14. now it is true that we were horribly inconsistent and have ourselves to blame for the mediocrity at the end of the day. Stupid trades (M Forte) and poor drafting (D Anderson) were just the beginning. We righted things nicely under the surprising leadership of Cassell (10/183). Matt stepped up and outscored everybody in the second half. He really played himself into keeper status for us, but we will have some tough decisions to make.� Mitchell then started giggling uncontrollably while the tape was allowed to run out 45 minutes later. Yes, he sent the league offices a 50 minute tape which was mostly giggling. Word around the league is that stricter enforcement of the drug policy may be on the docket for the offseason meetings. What that would mean to the higher than thou Wookies is anybody�s guess. The straitlaced Johnson was in favor of peepee testing every other week. However, maybe his peepee should be tested after nominated Leon Washington for the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player. Johnson noted, �He had more points then most of the well known backs.� We guess that means backs like Joseph Addai. Johnson also nominated �any three of my keepers� for Most Disappointing Player and DeMarcus Ware (16/172) for Defensive Player of the Year. The Brents did finish with an above .500 record, but Johnson could only lament, �NOW you guys score in a Week 17 game. What could have been.� The Brents did win five of their last seven to forge their eighth consecutive winning season. They scored over 100 for the sixth time and the 73-point win was the largest since 2006, their championship season. For the Wookies, the 42 points was their lowest total since 2006 and the beat down was also the worst since that season. The Wookies finished below .500 for the second consecutive year and one can only hope the loss will not affect the good vibes created by winning five of six prior to the last week of the season.
P-Miss Envy (9-8) 70 Weaselicious Cookies (9-8) 55 If one didn�t look too closely at the wins and losses columns, he might think this has been the usual Cookies season. Owner Dan Weitz�s team scored the fewest points in the league and had a QB reportedly named Yancey Thigpen (who scored ten points). Maybe it is Yancey�s cousin � we�re not sure. In any case, Weitz willed his team to wins. Despite not scoring many points, he would use his evil eye perfected on raising three daughters. When one of the Weitz brood does something Dan doesn�t like or doesn�t approve of, out comes one of the most deadly and fear inducing evil eyes in the business. Dan used that power against his opponents this year and they refused to score points. Unfortunately for Weitz, opposing Owner Perry Missner is immune to all type of intimidation and/or hideousness and much like his team did in Week Nine, they took care of the Cookies, who finished the season with four losses in their last five games. The Envy relied on the running back class of the 2006 draft to most of the team�s damage. While Ronnie Brown was not on the team (despite many trade offers from his owner), the Envy got 33 points out of Cadillac Williams and Cedric Benson to push the team to victory. Missner gave the former Envy-keeper Benson the gameball �what a late season run for the former Bear runner. I always liked him but I think he has limited vision to find a hole if the offensive line doesn�t create the one designed by the play. He has put himself into keeper contention.� Related to Benson, Missner noted, �Oh, way better to love and lost. Life is about experiencing things and if you�ve never loved, you�ve never lived.� How true, how profound. Somewhat less profound was Missner�s playing of Vince Young. He commented, �We unearth Vince Young from cryostasis and it looked like he should have stayed there. To imagine someone once kept that guy.� Hey, that�s not nice. One demerit for you, Missner. And plenty of demerits go to the media unfriendly Weitz who refused to open the lockerroom to the media even once. The league�s answer to J.D. Salinger had his share of poor performances as his team scored a season low 55 points. Kevin Boss didn�t bother to suit up and Marion Barber was even worse with -2. Amazingly, Barber has been visited by his �monthly friend� for the last six weeks. Barber was reportedly bloated and cranky, and it was made even worse when Weitz sentenced him to play. It will be interesting to see if Weitz brings the perpetually PMS�ing Barber back for 2009. Keepers were also on Missner�s mind when he decided to pimp himself for the Modano Mi Hermano award: �Forte (15/155) deserves some Weinrich consideration. He�s basically the only solid keeper I have. And in that light, not to toot my own horn (well, actually to toot my own horn), I think I did a solid job this season of keeping my team in contention despite below average talent. I plugged holes where they needed to be plugged and didn�t have any superstars. I also didn�t have my bevy of stats to give me an upperhand (or maybe that helped). Now, gimme some Modano loving.� Whether he gets that loving or not, Missner � whose team notched its 90th win and second consecutive winning season - summed up Week 17 by saying, �I love sweeps. And to sweep the undeserving Cookies makes things even sweeter. It was the usual oddball Week 17 affair, but 55 points was all Dan and his fellows could muster? Sheesh. They were obviously dispirited by not being in contention, but have some pride for golly sakes.�
Syracuse 44�s (8-9) 80 San Francisco Cubists (8-9) 68 For years and years, it seemed like the media had a hard on to bust the balls of one player: inbred hillbilly moron Brent Farf. Now that Farf has shrunk into senility (and he didn�t have that far to go), the media has gone out of its way to make life hard for Cubist QB Tony Rhomo (and please sound out the �H� when pronouncing his name � it�s the way he prefers it). Perhaps it is the way Rhomo fades every December, the way he sucks his thumb, or his penchant for banging one big breasted bimbo to the next, but the media hates this guy. In Week 17 against the 44�s, the media corps was openly taunting Rhomo to do something to help the Cubists win. Rhomo could not. He let the words of the media prove that the pen is mightier than the sword (a stance advocated by 44�s Owner John Stoer who said, �Just ask Gandhi, but having a pen and a sword is the best of all.� When reached for comment, Ghandi � who has been dead for 50 years � said nothing. Rhomo cost his team a point and set the tone for silent Owner Jason Moore�s final week of 2008. Moore who had uncharacteristically been playing the broken Reggie Bush for a couple of weeks was also let down by Chris Johnson (15/131) and Rod Bironas, who like the Titans were shut out in Week 17. Just to make the point even clearer, Stoer gave his gameball to Rhomo and said, �Good God, you suck!� Rhomo instantly began to whine, then blamed Terrell Owens for having hands of stone. The Cubists had just their second losing season in franchise history (8-9 in 2003) and suffered three consecutive losses for the first time since that ill-fated season. Meanwhile, Larry Fitzgerald (20 points for (16/163)) and DeAngelo Williams (11 points for 9/170)) made their points about coming back to the only franchise to win five Modano championships. They showed their pride � Moore? Less so Fitzgerald looks like he�ll continue to be a fine Cubist, but even he was outdone by what looks like a future 44 keeper � WR Andre Johnson (16/146). While Stoer has mentioned his disaffection for the U many times before, he has made an exception for the talented Johnson who led the team with 21 points. Adrian Peterson (16/169) will also continue to play for the only Modano franchise he has ever known. He finished the season with 12 points and bruising back Le�Ron McClain smashed his way to 16. Of course, it wasn�t all tinkerbells and creamsicles, for the 44�s who were provided a single point by Larry Johnson, Jason Taylor and McClain�s brother LaRon Landry. On the bright side, Jay Cutler (12/208) finished a nice season with 14 and Donovan McNabb (13/185) had 25 from the bench. Something named Tatum Bell also had 19 from the bench, but because the media is not sure what it is, we prefer not to comment. Stoer was noncommittal about his team�s chances at post season awards, �I have no one who deserves consideration this year. No good rookies, no surprise players, no one who was too too disappointing-though the triumverate of LJ, Plax, and Kellen as a group certainly cost me wins. The 44's were essentially irrelevant this season.� The 44�s did win four of their last five games, but still surrendered the most points for the second straight year. Stoer is going to have to work on that.
Red Herrings (5-12) County Coroners (8-9) 76 Because Owner Charlie Mitchell has only been in the league for two years, the media generally treats him with kid gloves. Of course, it helps that big brother Will is always in Charlie�s corner when it comes to league disputes, but there wasn�t much Will could do for his bro during this most ruinous of seasons. Losses mounted upon losses for the Herrings who had some back luck and shouldered the curse of Orton. You see, any team that tries to win with Kyle Orton as its quarterback is cursed to be a nonfactor. He simply is not that good. Even in Week 17, Orton showed how not valuable he is by having his biggest game of the season (27 points) from the Herring bench. That did not stop the Herrings from notching their fifth win of the season (and first by less than ten points) and perhaps using it is as a springboard into to 2009. The Herrings managed to win two of their last four games to stay away from an East Bay Brother type of season. Mitchell gave �Schauber� the gameball. QB Matt Schaub did have 25 points and was successful when healthy. The Herrings also received good performances from Steve Slaton (11 points for (14/137)) and Steve Breaston (12 points), but the cause was not helped by Brian Westbrook and Matt Prater who each went scoreless. Fortunately for both of them, Mitchell had bigger potatoes to fry when looking for someone to heap scorn upon. Mitchell noted that he wasn�t too happy with �Farf� who helped keep his beloved Patriots out of the Playoffs. Why rely on an inbred hillbilly moron? For the Coroners, the loss was devastating because Owner Chad Nuss always sets the team�s limit at nine wins. Nuss, who believes that the pen is not mightier than the sword because �half of America can�t read anyway,� was let down by his starters. Justin Fargas got Michael Bushed and Jerry Porter let his mouth do the talking while his points went walking away. Nuss did praise his bench, which included Darren Sproles (24 points), JaMarcus Russell (15 points), and Johnnie Lee Higgins (11 points). The Coroner talent evaluation crew did a nice job in 2008. They unearthed Philip Rivers (20 points) who was a definite MVP candidate according to Nuss: �Philip Rivers (16/320) has to be the MVP, and I hate him, and love him.� It is that duality that makes Nuss interesting. Coroner veteran Willie Parker also had 13 points and Nuss, who believes that �love is the answer� will have some tough keeper choices. Much tougher than last year. Yet the Coroners failed to have their second above .500 season in franchise history (they went 9-8 in 2004) and lost their first Week 17 game since 2003. As for Mitchell, he didn�t think his players deserved any awards and just reiterated the point, �I can't make a case for anyone on my team for any awards. We're hoping to stay out of the limelight and focus on rebuilding in relative anonymity.� [Tell me about it.]
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