Bull City (10-6) 95 Weaselicious Cookies (9-7) 84 In his day, Owner Dan Weitz has been called many things: the Weasel, Mr. Weitz, Daddy, the Weaze, and a few unmentionables. The one thing he has never been called is lazy. Yet, it was members of the media who were clamoring for Weitz to get off his lazy duff and give them some comments on his near miraculous season. He would not. They tried every approach possible, but they had no better results than they did when they egged J.D. Salinger�s house. Nothing. To their dismay, the Cookies kept winning and becoming more and more of a national story. Weitz was ably pulling strings behind the curtain, but he did not deign to talk to media members. For a brief while, he allowed 24-obsessed Anquan Boldin to be his figurehead. A few weeks ago, he decided to cut Boldin off, but the mercurial receiver kept sneaking the good stuff to the media. When Weitz heard about his receiver�s misdoings, he blew a gasket. The two men had words (and more) and let�s just say that although Boldin outweighs the rail thin Weitz but about150 pounds, Boldin came out the worse for wear. Nevertheless, Weitz had Boldin in his lineup � possibly to teach him a lesson � and Boldin was so injured (yes, both physically and spiritually) that he was unable to score. We should point out at this point that the opponent was the Bull City and the Modano Mi Hermano championship was on the line. Perhaps teaching Boldin a lesson wasn�t the best idea in Week 16. Weitz�s mind works in curious ways that we the media are simply not privy to. We are privy to the thoughts of one Owner F. Randy Chambers who has championship experience and knows when to teach a lesson and when to give the ball to Drew Brees and let him do what he does. Brees was back in All-Pro form with 26 points and earned a gameball for outpointing �Yancey Thigpen� by a point. Brees main target on the day was Hines Ward who had 13 and earned a gameball for �for setting the tone with his rousing terrible towel wave in the locker room before the game.� Is it just me or are the more intimidating things than waving a white hankie around? Perhaps the biggest reason the City was able to snap their losing streak was Chambers treatment of third string QB Brent Farf. The lodestone of the season, Farf had proved a detriment all season long (especially in the team�s loss to the P-Miss Envy in Week 9). Things came to a head when Farf offered Chambers the world�s worst Christmas gift: a Brent Farf action doll that spits Vicodin and retires and unretires every five minutes. Chambers was doubly offended because he prefers Hanukkah and that the gift was so crappy. He did what he should have done the day after the draft, cutting Farf and sending one-point TE Bo Scaife along with him. Farf blamed Chambers for the poor treatment during the season, but even the NAACP said that Farf deserved much worse. Chambers only has one more Duck to cut before he can call his season �It�s a Wonderful Life� directed by the best, Frank Capra. Chambers summed the season up thusly: �We did a great job of bating the league in the last month. Now, it's winning time.� As for Weitz, he was holed up in the Cookie compound with Marion Barber. While the media was unable to get a word from the nutty Weitz, the unmistakable sound of Lifetime network was heard and there was also the unmistakable odor of Massengill.
Ballbusters (10-6) 120 Brentless Brents (8-8) 97 When it comes to the details, Owner Rich Joseph and his QB Peyton Manning have a lot in common. Both are fanatical about getting everything exactly right. For Joseph, he spends up to 20 hours a day on his lineup during the week � both sleeping and eating in front of his computer. For Manning, it is both practicing passes as well as that smile that has so beguiled advertisers. In 2008, it may that practice makes perfect for the long standing odd couple of the Modano world. Joseph and Manning�s minds were aligned for almost every play call in their dismantling of the Brentless Brents. Manning threw for 32 points to give the Busters a nearly insurmountable lead on Thursday and helped knock off another pretender to the throne. This has been a disappointing season for Owner Steve Johnson. His three-headed monster of LaDainian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai have been anything but monstrous. Johnson was particularly disappointed by Addai in Week 16. After assuring Johnson that he was ready to unleash a torrent of points on the Busters, �he suited up, was ready to go, and then sat on his ass. Booo-urns!� Yes, I was saying Boo-urns. Making matters worse was that Tashard Choice sat uselessly on the bench with his 14 points going for naught. Choice, by the way, was the correct answer to the question of the best running back without a dominating offensive line, but Johnson opined, �Sanders, maybe. I really don't think any are. A good O Line makes an ok RB good, a good one great. Look at LT without a line or Lorenzo Neal blocking up front.� Joseph offered up, �Payton, Sanders, Jim Brown, Sam Bam Cunnigham!� Which one of those names doesn�t belong? Back to the other Payton, Manning�s mastery of the playbook was such that he was able to dole out big points to Jason Witten (11 points) and Terrell Owens (ten). Of course, Owens had another hissy fit when Witten outpointed him and told the media that he thinks Manning and Witten are as gay as Jeff Garcia. Manning told Joseph that he was unsure how long he would be able to be on the same team as T.O., but Joseph reassured everyone that he would take care of Owens after the season. Just you wait. The Busters have won three of their last four and haven�t scored less than 92 points in a month. The surprise of the day came from Josh Wilson who scored 19 points for the Buster D-flex. Wilson was almost negated by game ball earning Brent Marcus Colston, who had 18 to complement Ben Roethlisberger�s 13. Johnson was not happy, however, with Seven. �Ben, come here. These turnovers. Lets ...ahh... stop them ok? We kind of needed everyone on their A game this week... and it didn't really happen.� After the game, Johnson had an embarrassing moment when he gave a baby shower gift to a female co-worker. Only to find out that she wasn�t pregnant. Johnson stammered, "Oh.. I just thought.. You seem....Ahhh." Adding to the embarrassment was Johnson who tried to make up for the booties to his employee when he re-gifted Joseph�s secret Santa gift: �a chia dick.� All in all, Joseph thought the game was a �great battle,� while a forlorn Johnson glumly said, �We can still get a winning season out of this disaster of a year.�
Peaks Island Wookies (8-8) 104 San Francisco Cubists (8-8) 78 To his great pleasure, Owner Jason Moore has never had to get used to playing out the string. Upon being eliminated for all extents and purposes after last week, Moore didn�t know what to do with himself. Generally, he spends the offseason soaking up praises from fantasy football pundits or hitting the lecture tour with his Grammy award winning lecture, �24 Steps to Success: the Cubist Way.� This year there will be no praises and no lectures. The one thing he may need to work on is how to get a broken Reggie Bush out of his lineup. One of the few remaining college supplemental players who is still with his original team, Bush is sticking in office almost as well as his president (who can�t wait to get to his Texas ranch full time so he can start �shooting stuff.�) Against the Wookies, Moore was so confident that he left Bush in the lineup and the ploy did not work. Owner Will Mitchell has his team on a tear since healing the rift that once separated the team into pro- and anti-ganja forces. After a Week 10 loss to City, Mitchell gave an impassioned speech that is just reaching the media now about how the world would be a better place if people just consented to smoke up once in awhile. Even old relented Antonio Gates had to take a hit. Sure, it messed him up for awhile, but by Week 16, even Gates had found his footing while high. He seemed to jump through the sky to snag two TD balls and reclaim his place as the rightful heir to Ben Coates with 14 points. Master of ceremonies, frizzy-haired Matt Cassel doled out TD passes like they were munchies. He led the team with 32 points and was able to offset Cubist MVP DeAngelo Williams who had 31. Cassell hit his supplier, Randy Moss, for a TD and turned around to give Polish hashish to Steven Gostkowski, who split the uprights with 17. The only Wookies to be left out of the party were Anti-mini Moss, who despite going to the U never got a taste for pot (the Hurricanes prefer speedballs), and Jared Allen, who admittedly is a recovery program. The next guy to be headed for a recovery program might be Cubist QB Kurt Warner. Jesus ain�t getting it done for my man in the second half of the season and Warner stumbled to just one point in a direct outing against Cassel. While Warner was looking for guidance from the heaven above, infantile QB Tony Rhomo whined and cried because he scored 16 points only to have them not count. Said Rhomo, �Me want playee. Ga-ga googoo.� It will be interesting to see if Moore brings Rhomo back to San Francisco for a third year. Mitchell will also have some interesting choice in the offseason. Although his D-flex went for just 12 points, they have been excellent all season long. He also has some top young players in Marshawn Lynch, Darren McFadden, and Calvin Johnson. Moss (aka The Supplier) will likely return, but what about Gates who has now bonded again with Mitchell and the two are nigh inseparable. Whatever the case, Mitchell would like to bottle whatever has gotten into his team to help them win five of their last six down the stretch. For Moore, it is back to the drawing board, but he also has plenty of young running talent (like Williams and Chris Johnson � who had ten points) to start another Cubist dynasty.
County Coroners (8-8) 110 Syracuse 44�s (7-9) 67 One can always tell what kind of season Owner Chad Nuss and his County Coroners have had by their near season�s end Christmas party. If the party is conducted in a conference room with a cheese tray from Wal-Mart, you can probably guess that it has been just another losing season for the County. This year, Nuss has gone all out. He booked a ballroom at the Ritz Carlton, ordered a deejay to spin record, and had an actual sit down meal with linen napkins. Classy! The party set the team in the right mood: they went out and whipped the 44�s by a 43-point margin. Owner John Stoer decided to return from a self-imposed exile on Tahiti to run his team. He found QB Donovan McNabb had been on the sidelines for so long that he had become somewhat flabby. The flabby McNabb went for just six points and wasn�t the Hall of Famer that Stoer had come to rely on. Nevertheless, Stoer excuse McNabb from scorn and placed the marque on �Jeremy Shockey. I don't know what I was thinking since he probably has more anti-gameballs than anyone in Modano history, but desperation breeds recklessness I guess.� Well, Shockey is remarkably charismatic, but he just has not got it done in his first year in the Big Easy. No touchdowns. Shockey made the double mistake of giving Stoer the complete Laura Ingles Wilder collection for Christmas. A shocked and confused Stoer replied, �Laura Ingles Wilder! All right, but I am glad that you didn�t get me any of Laura Ingraham's books, and if she charges more than $10 for any of them, she can add extortion to her list of charges against humanity.� The 44�s did get twin 13�s from Larry Johnson and Le�Ron �Goodnight Texas Stadium� McClain. McClain took a gameball home to add to his collection. Stoer said that McClain reminded him of former-44 Barry Sanders and future-44 Curtis Brinkley. Brinkley can only hope to be a future Brandon Jacobs, who mauled the 44�s for 23 points. His manly running allowed Philip Rivers to have plenty of time in the pocket after play action fakes, and Rivers amassed 35 points. The Coroner defense had a poor day in what could have been an even worse route. Crazy Joey Porter went for one and Toni Morrison scored just one point for every Nobel Prize for Literature she has won. Still, it was Christmas spirit all over the place for the usually stodgy Coroners. Nuss couldn�t really have gone wrong with any of his options as the vaunted combo of JaMarcus Russell and Johnny Lee Higgins combined for 36 bench points and Chad Pennington went for another 24. Nuss decided to throw another party for the team after the game, but all the budget allowed was a cheese tray from Wal-Mart in a team conference room. There was also red punch, but Nate Kaeding (12 points) said it was too sweet. The always quotable Stoer answered many questions, including, �The answer to your question is probably David Lean, but my favorite is John Sayles.� When reminded that the media had asked about the just finished game and not the world�s greatest tic-tac-toe players, Stoer responded, �Well, that was fun watching Rivers and the ManBeast carve us up like a Christmas ham. I told the team to focus on them; I didn't mean to sit and watch them. To quote the lovable Charlie Brown, �Good Grief!��
P-Miss Envy (8-8) 84 Red Herrings (4-12) 76 If there is one thing Owner Perry Missner knows about, it is playing in games with absolutely no bearing on the Modano championship. After 11 years of trying, his team � the P-Miss Envy � have yet to sip from the Modano cup. Of course, only four and a half people in the world can make that claim. Nevertheless, no one soldiers on like Missner and if the Red Herring rate of success keeps up, Missner may need to teach Owner Charlie Mitchell a thing or two about irrelevant games. That being said, there was a game to play and both owners had their teams ready to fight. Each team fired a nice opening salvo as Dallas Clark matched the Herrings Reggie Wayne with 13 points. Although a slight advantage could have been conferred to the Envy in a tightend equaling a wide receiver, it did not stand up on Sunday. Tony Gonzalez rallied the Herrings with ten and Matt Prater had 12 from the kicker�s spot. Even though the Envy were buoyed by 14 from Shaun Hill, nine from Pierre Thomas, and nine from game-ball earning Cedric Benson, they found themselves in a 20-point deficit mainly because T.J. Houshmandzadeh went scoreless. On Benson, Missner said, �I felt a bit foolish for picking him up, but his results made me feel wise. 173 yards!� On the greatest director of all time, Missner said, �While I don't care for the film, the director of Pauley Shore's Biodome did things on screen that I didn't think were even possible. I am too lazy to look up his name, but he is a master of his universe.� And on the best running backs who prospered behind sub par offensive lines, Missner said, �Only two - Walter Payton and Barry Sanders. Adrian Peterson is the closest thing currently, but his offensive line if pretty good too.� The 20-point deficit would not have come into play if Missner had substituted Derrick Ward (14 points) for Houshmandzadeh, but it wasn�t to be. Fearing that QB Kyle Orton would turn traitor, Mitchell put Matt Schaub in his place and Schauby scored seven. Orton, by the way, scored six. Heading into Monday, Missner felt confident (unlike the feeling as if someone had given him deodorant for their secret Santa gift). He had four Bears playing and they were against the lifeless and dreaded Packers. Although the Packers put up a good fight and looked like the better team for most of the game, their sheer stupidity allowed the Bears to win. Stupidity always causes losses, something the Packers never, ever will learn. Matt Forte led the Envy with 11, but poor old Brian Urlacher only had two and Missner announced, �We had to put him down after the game.� The now 8-8 Envy could be headed to their first winning season since 2007. Missner said, �Much like the Bears, this was our Super Bowl. We have nothing against the Herrings, per se - other than they were standing in our way to an above .500 record and Charlie was too weak to start Kyle Orton against us. If four players couldn't overcome a 20-point deficit on Monday, then we didn't deserve to win. While our 84 points were the low to win, that does not mean that we deserved to lose.� Huh? 20-point deficit � is that a big deal? Meanwhile, Mitchell said that he would once again leave his team to continue scouting colleges for �talent.�
Week 17 previews - For the second consecutive year, the Modano Mi Hermano championship will be decided in a Week 17 battle. The co-champions of 2003, Bull City and the Ballbusters will do battle with everything on the line. Owner Randy Chambers said, �There will be no ties under the Xmas tree for Rich this year. Nothing but a serious ball-busting Bull run in the City as we stomp to the outright title. while Peyton is off on his annual back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back holiday commercial recording run. Seriously, pretty incredible that we are tied in the standings and points again, albeit before week 17 this time.� It�s true � there will be no co-championship. Even if the two teams tie � and wouldn�t that be amazing � the tie breaker goes to the City due to their 92-83 Week 8 win. Joseph said, �I wish it weren't week 17 when the starters of very casual, especially Peyton but let's do it boys!!!!� Hasn�t Tony Dungy learned anything? He should get Peyton Manning out there and let him play. Because he won�t Joseph is forced to go with something called Seneca Wallace at QB, prompting Chambers to question, �What�s a Seneca Wallace?� Which Tim Conway answered, �About 220 pounds.� The Busters are also going with Mathias Kiwanuka in the D-flex. City answers with Eric Weddle, Jerricho Cotchery, and Visanthe Shiancoe. Of note, City QB Drew Brees need 402 yards to break Dan Marino�s all-time passing record. If he gets it, the City will win. The undercard for this week is much removed from the top battle. There are draft rights and bragging rights at stake. For example, former-Sidwell friends Owners Jason Moore and John Stoer meet. In Week 8, the Cubists romped to a 39-point victory when the 44�s did not play a tightend. Stoer commented, �Playing the Cubists is always fun, but if Jamo is going to leave Reggie Bush in his lineup again, I may just be forced to bring Plaxico back into the fold. On the professional side, the Skins finish in the Bay Area this weekend, so Merry Christmas you lucky bastard!� Yes, Bush is still in the lineup. In honor of his hometown, Stoer has inserted an all-Skin D-flex including DeAngelo Hall, Jason Taylor, and LaRon Landry. That makes two La/Le�Ron�s in his lineup. We�ll have our staff check to see if that is a record (or a LaRecord). The Cookies could finish anywhere from second to eighth. They have lowest point total among the ten teams and were squashed by the Envy in their previous meeting. An angry Perry Missner said, �Ah, playing our the string - something I know all too much about. Of course, we always get up for the Cookies who have not deserved to be among the top teams in the league. They have the lowest scoring average and if memory serves me correctly, we whomped them by nearly 40 points in our last meeting. We look forward to passing them in the final standings.� Like so much female incontinent product, Weitz has reinserted Marion Barber into the lineup along with Kevin Walter. The Envy have signed up Cadillac Williams and brought in Danieal Manning for extra vowels. The Coroners go for an above .500 record against the Herrings. Should the Coroners win, Owner Chad Nuss is going throw another shindig in a conference room. The Coroners won by a 115-97 margin in the teams� earlier meeting and Nuss hopes Justin Fargas and Gibril Wilson can help them to a sweep and nine wins. Charlie Mitchell and staff are placing their last shred of hope on Willis McGahee � good luck with that one. Steve Breaston, and Jerod Mayo are also in the lineup. Last but not least, we have the other Mitchell Brother, Will, whose team would be championship contention if the season were a month longer. The Wookies take on the Brents in a battle of 8-8�s. Owner Steve Johnson said, �We can still get a winning season out of this disaster of a year.� Yes, he is repeating himself from earlier. So what? It was a good quote and I think using it twice gives it its proper due. Johnson showed that he was not really that serious about winning by placing Clank Crosby in the lineup as his kicker. Barrett Ruud and Rashard Choice also return while the pride of Breaux Bridge, Jake Delhomme hopes to make gumbo out of poorly mixed ingredients. Mitchell, whose key to success has been to keep saying �time to whoop the bro� is giving his young�uns Calvin Johnson and Darren McFadden some reps with the first team. The team is smoking � literally and figuratively.
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