SF Cubists (8-6) 98 Big Bad Bretts (7-7) 70 In the final week of the 2007 season, the Cubists and Bretts played a game to determine the Modano champion. The Cubists won that game and their fifth Modano title at the expense of Steve Johnson and his Bretts. This year, a pair of 7-6 teams squared off in the week 14 Prime Time game, with thoughts of survival paramount in their minds. But while the circumstances of their battle may have changed, the song remained the same in the outcome as once again Jason Moore effectively ended Steve Johnson�s season. The win completed the season sweep for the Cubists and also snapped the Bretts three game win streak. The Cubists are also now a remarkable 10-1 in week 14�s, which prompted Cubist fan Mr. T to say, �I pity the fool who has to play the Cubists in week 14 next year.� That�s for next season, but this season the Cubists showed a remarkable lack of pity as they pounded in 199 points in their two matchups with the Bretts. This week the Cubists were led in scoring once again by one of the surprise stories of the year, RB DeAngelo Williams. Williams jogged for a leisurely 24 Monday night points after the result was well in hand, so Moore gave his gameball to rookie RB Chris Johnson for his strong all-pro 17 point effort. Johnson and Williams are making strong cases to remain with the talent-laden Cubists in 2009 as they have both played well while two Cubist keepers, QB Tony Rhomo and RB Reggie Bush, picked splinters out of their butts all evening long. The erudite Bush spent his free time reading the New Yorker, specifically their review of the soon-to-be Oscar nominated film �Zach and Miri Make a Porno�, while Rhomo, once he learned the meaning of the word �porno�, reportedly is now seriously considering a career change. That wouldn�t seem to bother Moore one bit since his starting QB appears to be the red-hot signal caller for the Lord, Kurt Warner. Warner just missed an all-pro day with 14 points though he hooked up with WR Larry Fitzgerald for 11. A respectful Moore said after the game, �We were fortunate that the Bretts didn't play up to their usual standards. It was a tight battle until DeAngelo Williams blew up on Monday night.� While Williams continues to blow up, Cubist TE Chris Cooley seems to have imploded. His big, fat, stinky goose egg is another in a long line of disappointing performances this year and one wonders why he isn�t getting the ball thrown to him more often. Still, when you run the ball as well as the Cubists do, perhaps the focus should be on Cooley�s fine blocking skills rather than his lack of receptions. Certainly Steve Johnson could use a good blocking TE for his Bretts as their ground game has not produced as he hoped they would this season. This week his impotent trio of LaDanian Tomlinson, Joseph Addai, and Steven Jackson ran for a combined 18 points, one more than Cubist rookie Chris Johnson. Steve Johnson refused to single anyone out for praise or scorn as, in his words, �no one showed up.� QB Ben Roethlisberger and LT each had 12 points, but no other Brett scored in double digits. New RB Peyton Hillis attempted to, but he discovered that all the cool Brett RB�s are getting hurt this year, so he snapped his groin at halftime and finished the game and his season with 9 points which will leave him plenty of time to catch up on all the back issues of IT magazines that he�s missed. And unlike his enjoyment of �people in authority making asses of themselves�, Johnson couldn�t laugh at his team�s 2007 demise. He said, �There was a glimmer of hope. If I had won out- I could have pulled out an amazing comeback league championship. Now- Not happening.� No, it won�t. But while the Bretts are now focusing on playing the spoiler, the defending champion Cubists are a mere one game back and are firmly in the 2008 Modano title conversation.
County Coroners (7-7) 106 The Ballbusters (8-6) 99 The best game of week 14 was the 4pm game between Rich Joseph�s steady Ballbusters and Chad Nuss� fading Coroners. The Ballbusters needed a win to keep pace with the league leaders but fell just short thanks to the resurgent play of a couple of Coroner stars. The win tied the Coroners for their most franchise wins since 2004 and while the Modano title seems improbable, with a strong finish, this could possibly be the finest season in Coroner team history. For that, praise has to go the depth of Coroner talent. On a day when the ManBeast scored only 3 points and #1 pick Ryan Grant sat on the bench updating his resume, the Coroners QB Philip Rivers and WR Brandon Marshall turned back the clock and played like it was week one en route to all-pro 27 and 18 point games respectively. Four other Coroners scored in double digits, led by matching 13 point afternoons from WR Steve Smith and LB/DE Joey Porter. Porter, who would talk into a spice rack if he thought someone was listening, said after the game, �That�s right, that there is Coroner football. I kicked that nancy-boy QB�s ass up and down the field and if he wants to confront me after the game, let him come, �cause I�m packin� man. I�ll whip out my 9 mil. Heck yeah I�m packin, that�s what a man does. It�s called conflict resolution, and I�ll resolute him back to Stonehenge if he wants to start something with Joey Porter.� No one wants to start anything with Joey Porter because he�s not insane like Star Trek conventioneers are insane, he�s break out the serious drugs and remove his shoelaces insane. Still, 13 points are 13 points and Chad Nuss isn�t giving them back after a seven point victory. Plus, it wasn�t like the defeat can be blamed on Buster QB Peyton Manning. Manning more than held his own against the psychotic Coroner defense posting a team high all-pro 29 points. No other Buster had more than the 12 that DL Julius Peppers tallied. WR Roddy White continued his fine season with 11 and new LB Bradie James overcame his obvious lack of skill to match that with 11 surprising points of his own. WR Terrell Owens, fresh off criminal conspiracy charges for his role in the kidnapping of Jason Witten�s wife, scored nine points as did RB Thomas Jones. But the difference in the game came down to the kicking game where Coroner K Nate Kaeding out-booted Buster K John Carney to the tune of 10-2. Busters spokesman/QB Peyton Manning said after the bitter defeat, �Hey, we scored a lot of points, put ourselves in a position to win, but hats off to the Coroners, they did just enough to win the game. We�re a good team, we believe in each other, and we�ll be ready to go next week. If I could focus on anything, it�s the fact that we�ve given up 100+ points in three of the past five weeks and if we want a Modano championship, we�ll need to do better about that. Oh, and I hope everybody gets a Mastercard for Christmas; they�re sweeet!� At 8-6, the Busters are certainly right in the Modano title conversation as well, while the 7-7 Coroners still can hope that if they can win out with their easy remaining schedule and that if the leaders continue to stumble, maybe, just maybe the best Coroner season could be a magical one.
Syracuse 44�s (6-8) 90 Weaselicious Cookies (8-6) 78 One of the reasons why the 2008 Modano title conversation still contains so many teams is the fact that Dan Weitz Cookies have lost two in a row and have come back to the Modano pack. In week 14, the Cookies fell to the schizophrenic 44�s. In their defense, the Cookies were without their star running back Marion Barber who missed the game due to what Cookie team medical officials called, �You know, female issues.� Yes, it was that time of the month for Barber who sat out a crucial December game with massive playoff implications because, well, who knows, perhaps he felt faint and thought he might swoon. Regardless, Weitz was forced to start an o-flex comprised of RB Warrick Dunn and WR�s Amani Toomer and Lance Moore. They scored a combined 6 points. QB Tyler �It�s Pat� Thigpen did score an all-pro 15 points after lending Barber his copy of Cosmo and RB MoJo Drew added 14 strong points, but they were simply not enough on this day. WR Anquan Boldin, who managed a paltry 4 himself, spoke after the game, �You guys know as much as I do. I don�t know why Marion didn�t play. He got his hair and nails done earlier in the week so I know that wasn�t it. Maybe he�s having relationship trouble? I just don�t know. What I do know is that the Modano championship is so close I can smell it, but we have lost two in a row and we have guys here who clearly don�t want to play when it counts. Hopefully ownership can do something about this.� Dan Weitz had this same team scoring 100+ points a game a month ago so perhaps Boldin ought to concentrate more on his own play than what ownership should do. On the other hand, the removal of ownership has paid great dividends in Syracuse as the Donovan McNabb era has opened with two straight victories. McNabb has remained on the sidelines calling the shots, but clearly he has rallied his Syracuse teammates to his cause. Though it can�t have hurt that McNabb brought with him DL Robert Mathis, another ex-44, who has scored 19 and 18 points in back-to-back weeks from his DE position. His 18 this week were good enough for a gameball as McNabb said, �I don�t know why Stoer didn�t have Robert here all year, but I�m glad he�s back. I�m also giving him my copy of 30 Rock: Season 2.� The 44�s have now won two in a row for the first time this season and the victory was the franchise�s 90th. Other than Mathis, the 44�s high scorers were QB Jay Cutler, who had 21 points, and WR Andre Johnson who accrued a solid 11. A happy yet somber Donovan McNabb spoke after the win, �It was a great win for the season and a historic win for the franchise, but I just finished reading a New Yorker article about the fall out from the Mumbai attacks and I don�t think I need to remind anyone that this is just a game we are playing. There are far more important issues in the world and if I am to be the 2nd African-American President, then I need to begin to devote my attention to these issues. I will finish out the season, but after that, my football future is up in the air.� Passed out on a Fiji beach, 44�s owner John Stoer was unavailable to comment, but were he aware of his surroundings, much less the state of the 44�s, he surely would be pleased with the effort his team is playing with to close out the season. As for the Cookies, they need to get back to their winning ways as soon as possible no matter if it�s the sorcery of Dan Weitz or the estrogen-fueled running of Marion Barber. They just need a win.
Red Herrings (4-10) 106 Bull in the City (9-5) 72 The Cookies aren�t the only team choking like Scott Norwood this year as the front-running City franchise has now lost two games in a row for the first time this season and what is more distressing to City owner Randy Chambers; they have been blown out two weeks in a row. In week 14, City hit rock bottom as the bottom feeding Herrings handled them as if their records were reversed. New Herring QB, Matt Schaub, who has bounced around Modano this season, stayed healthy long enough to tally 27 all-pro points and earn a gameball from Herring owner Charlie Mitchell who said, �It�s amazing what we can do when we have a QB.� The Herrings have now scored over 100 points in two straight weeks and lead the series over City 3-1. But, of course, any Herring victory coincides with a big game from their team MVP Brian Westbrook who delivered this week in a big way as he scooted and jitterbugged his way to 24 all-pro points. TE Tony Gonzalez capped the Herring double digit scorers with a solid 10 points of his own and he has been a fine addition since coming over from the 44�s earlier this season. The other big part of that trade, WR Reggie Wayne, continues to disappoint as he had only 4 points this week. His play has Charlie Mitchell looking to the future as he said in his post game comments, �Slaton and Westbrook are looking for a 2009 teammate and waiting for someone to show up. Schaub? Mayo? Wayne? Still plenty to play for, and glad we could tighten the race for the title.� For a man who likes to read about the Peloponnesian War and specifically the Athenian decision for war, Mitchell clearly is looking to learn from history to influence his future decisions, though his roster is littered with a few too many Cal Bears and clearly not enough USC Trojans. That isn�t the case for the still league leading City who had Big Mac White rumble for another 9 points this week while earning a gameball. RB Michael Turner had 10 and QB Drew Brees had 21, but the gameball going to White was a clear shot by City owner at star RB Clinton Portis. Portis scored zero points as Chambers benched the RB for most of the game for his failure to be able to practice during the week. After hearing that the gameball went to White for his nine points, Portis did his best Allen Iverson impression and said, �Practice? We�re talking about practice? Practice. Sure, coach is a genius and all. I just go do what he tells me to do. He wants me to sit, I sit. Are you kidding me? Practice?� Chambers attempted to distance himself from any sort of controversy and fire up his team at the same time when he said, ��Tis better to lose when your nearest challengers lose than to have never won at all� or some such crap that excuses the putrescence of losing to the last place team in the league when a win all but ensures us of the championship.� Chambers may not want to hear excuses, but something is wrong when Portis and Captain Hiney both post zeroes in a meaningful December game. It certainly doesn�t have Chambers laughing like listening to �Robin Williams standup comedy from when he was still totally drugged out. Two danishes come to mind�� In fact, this downturn has Chambers reading the Bloomberg Markets magazine just to make sure his City financial empire is still holding firm. While his net worth is sound, his lead in the standings remains amazingly sound as well. With a one game lead with three games to play, City controls its own destiny. Their back-to-back losses though have opened the doors to a few more teams including the defending champion Cubists, who swept City convincingly this year. The City schedule doesn�t get any easier either and they may look back at this loss as the one that kept them from a title if they fail to win. Charlie Mitchell and his 4-10 Herrings will probably take that as a job well done then.
P-Miss Envy (7-7) 93 Wookies (6-8) 87 Carl Sagan once wrote that mathematics is the universe�s only true language. Envy owner Perry Missner is a big believer in that theory as virtually every member of the media has attempted to write off the Envy at various times this season, and yet, here they remain, mathematically alive to win a Modano crown after their tight victory over Diplomacy rival Will Mitchell and his Wookies. The win gave the Envy a sweep of the Wookies for the season and snapped their three game losing streak. A relieved Missner commented, �I actually thought we had a lead heading into Monday, but that Wookie D-flex is impressive. They brought the pain against Eli, but our young Manning stood up the rush and did what he needed to do to get us a win. Many thanks go to Jon Beason for overcoming the six-point deficit on Monday. Still alive!� While the Killer J�s were impressive for the Wookies, no defender was better than Envy LB, and the pride of Maryland, D�Qwell Jackson who had an all-pro 21 run-stuffing points. That 21 was matched by RB Pierre Thomas who must be the pride of somewhere, but no one really knows. He seems to have burst on to the Modano scene from out of nowhere. The duo earned gameball�s from Missner who said, �Pierre Thomas and D'Qwell Jackson share the honors this week. They sound like a pair of football players, don't they - Pierre and D'Qwell. Nice games for both of them.� Sadly for Missner, this week also sounded the death knell to his 2008 keepers as RB Willis McGahee scored -1 points and is now headed towards the obscurity that Pierre Thomas just sprung from. An elegiac Missner said, �Willis had his last chance. He could neither hold onto the ball nor stay on the field. We've had some good times, Willis, but you're done and out of here.� With McGahee�s post-game release, the Envy have now traded or cut all three of their season-opening keepers. They will now rely on rookie RB Matt Forte who managed a mediocre 6 points against the Wookies., while new QB Eli Manning had a manageable 10 as the new Envy QB. Still, Forte�s 6 points were 4 more than Wookie RB Marshawn Lynch was able to score against his old team. In fact the Wookie futility on offense made Missner laugh like when he read, �Barbara Walters biography is a laugh riot, but that causes problems when I am on the throne. Damn, Barbara, why you have to be so funny? [You are] the literary equivalent of a bran muffin.� Fortunately for Missner, Wookie WR�s Randy and Santana Moss were so high during the game that they found a copy of Walter�s biography on the Envy sideline during one of their typical mid-first quarter strolls and they were so preoccupied by it for the rest of the day that only managed to score three points each. QB Matt Cassel did his best to keep a straight face with an all-pro 18 points and the aforementioned Killer J�s added to their gaudy stats with 39 more combined points. But TE Antonio Gates has completely given up on his dazed and confused teammates and he was satisfied with his goose egg on the afternoon. Randy Moss was too hungry after the game to speak to the media so K G-ski, who had a solid 12 points stepped up and said, �Uhm, I�m just the kicker. Uh, I guess we could have played better, but I thought we did okay. Yes, the team is a little divided, but what team doesn�t have its little cliques, you know, like in high school. We�re kind of like that, if you know what I mean.� Then as he walked off the stage and thought the microphones were off, he was overheard saying, �Jesus H. Christ when will this &*$@ season end? And why am I talking to the press? Where�s Moss? There�s even pizza in here and he�s nowhere�� It�s been that kind of season, once again, for Will Mitchell�s Wookies. Hope came and left sometime in early October. But for Perry Missner�s Envy, they continue to cling to hope as if it is the only thing keeping them alive. Mathematically, it is.
Week 15 previews - The week 15 Prime Time game sees the 8-6 Cubists take on the 8-6 Ballbusters in what amounts to a do-or-die showdown. For the Cubists, this is their second straight Prime Time game and their second straight must-win game. Rookie RB Jonathan Stewart joins the powerful backfield as does RB Reggie Bush. The Busters lead the brief series 6-4 and won their week 6 matchup 103-98. Look for another tight game between these two burgeoning rivals. Cubist owner Jason Moore said, �Yet another tough matchup... but this is the time of year when we need to try to focus and execute and let everything else take care of itself.� Zzzzzzzzzz. The Buster hope that WR Donald Driver has a little left in the tank to take down the Cubists. The 4pm game has the reeling league champs taking on a dispirited but angry Brett squad. City crunched the Bretts 124-62 back in week 6 so revenge might be a motivating factor as well. But mostly, a rowdy Brett fan base is livid at the tactics that City owner Randy Chambers has been taking with their name sake QB. Don�t look for Farve to play in the game, he�ll be back in his dungeon, but expect this game to have the atmosphere of an Italian soccer match. RB Tashard Choice looks to get injured for the Bretts while City replaces Captain Hiney with Hall-of-Fame WR Marvin Harrison. City owner Randy Chambers said, �Holy cow, there�s no more dodging bullets. With Cubists-Busters in primetime, there�s no way we can lose and continue backing in to first place. Brent and Erin should smoke screen Steve with enough yellow and green to throw his timing off.� Johnson, downplaying his team�s chances countered, �I play the big guns, right when all my players are braking down and running out of gas. Uhhhggg! I play to win, but me thinks this will not be pretty.� The lead 1pm game has the desperate 8-6 Cookies face off against the giant-killing 4-10 Herrings. The Cookies won in week 6 and likely need to win again to keep pace in the standings. Cookie RB Marion Barber remains out with his �female issues� and WR Kevin Walter takes his place. Meanwhile QB Kyle Orton is back to continue his losing ways for the Herrings. Neither owner commented as this game is far too important to play out in a war of words in the media. Two teams that have no problem airing their war of words in the media are the 44�s and Envy who renew their Pizza rivalry. 44 GM Donovan McNabb said, �I�m putting myself in for this game. I spent time with the Envy, I know their ways and their methods, and I think with the proper strategy, we can defeat them rather easily.� The 44�s defeated the Envy back in week 6 without McNabb and have replaced RB Tim Hightower with another ex-Envy player, RB Le� Ron McClain. The Envy counter with RB Derrick Ward and some WR named Davone Bess, who makes his Modano debut. Missner said, �We are putting Beason the Beast on personal AP duty. It's like KP duty, but worse. We know pretty much all there is to know about Donovan and I actually watched the Brominski video over the weekend. McNabb is going to be throwing up all over the place again. Meanwhile, Eli will calmly lead the troops to another win. We hope to forge an early lead against the Saints defense on Thursday. Mathematics!� The 44�s own an 11-9 series edge. The final game of the week is yet another meaningless December game pitting the 7-7 Coroners against the 6-8 Wookies. While the Wookies haven�t altered their lineup, the Coroners have added RB�s Darren Sproles and Ryan Grant for the �game time decision� duo of ManBeast and Fast Willie Parker. The Coroners won back in week 6 and they need to win this week to keep any hope of their mathematical chances alive as well.
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