The Ballbusters (8-5) 96 P-Miss Envy (6-7) 71 Week 13 in Modano turned out to be �Break-out-the-Broom� week as every team that won completed the season sweep of their opponent. And no win was more important in the league than the Cubists Prime Time annihilation of league leading City. The 131 points were a season high for the Cubists and the week 13 blowout echoed the 2007 season when the Cubists blew out the same City franchise 118-88. This year the Cubists were led by 5 amazing all-pro performances, 4 of them occurring on Thanksgiving Day which surely couldn�t have made City owner Randy Chambers very thankful. But for Cubist owner Jason Moore, the day got off to a great start as RB Chris Johnson and K Rob Bironas feasted early and often on their way to 20 and 17 points respectively. QB Tony Rhomo was more than just a second helping of yummy goodness as he returned to his early season form with an outstanding 28 point performance. As a reward, Moore gave the infantile one a new Cowboys helmet straight from the local grocery store gumball machine. Rhomo was initially very pleased with his gift, but after struggling for hours to put it on his head with no success, he grew frustrated, threw the helmet to the ground, and burst into tears. The final Turkey Day all-pro game came from WR Larry Fitzgerald whose 16 points were sweeter to Moore than any piece of pumpkin pie. That�s 81 Thursday points from four players, and yet the best was still to come. RB DeAngelo Williams, this year�s Ryan Grant, managed four one yard touchdown runs on his way to a remarkable 28 points, earning a gameball from a very satisfied Moore. He commented after the game, �Four all-pro performances on Thanksgiving was pretty sweet. If this team came to play every week like we do against Bull City, we would be in first place.� It�s difficult to find fault when your team scores 131 points, but a few Cubists deserved to go to bed hungry, including a pair of underwhelming linebackers in Julian Peterson and Leroy �But I Got a Stinger, coach� Hill. Peterson was simply forced to watch more film, whereas the excuse-ridden Hill was escorted off team premises. The Cubist win was so convincing in fact that opposing owner Randy Chambers even gave his gameball to Jason Moore saying, �What can I say? Not sure if Jamo's set any all-time records, but we didn't just get squared, we got cubed (groan). I've never done an interview on Sunday afternoon, but like John McCain, I don't need to see the West Coast returns to determine this one.� RB Big Mac White had a nice Thanksgiving game for City with an all-pro 19 points, but his would be the lone all-pro performance from a City player. QB Drew Brees had a solid 14 points, but that is far off his average this season, and it once again prompted speculation about the viability of back up QB�s Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre who were once again left to squirm uselessly on the City bench. It�s almost as if another unnamed Modano owner were in charge of this team, leaving the current and ex-Packer QB�s to rot on the Modano sidelines all season. So with no City member truly deserving of a gameball, Chambers gave it to K �Matt Bryant. Solid kicking is under-rated. Though Bironas did out-do him. I've asked Kurt Warner, who Jamo benched in order to torture me, to present Matt with his own autographed bible for thumpin'.� The bible presentations continued as Chambers was most displeased with a 0 point effort from his TE �Bo Scaife. You play against the Lions, your team almost puts up 50 and you�re useless! I've asked Sarah Palin to present Bo with two autographed bibles and a world map.� The win left the faint Cubist hopes alive for another week, while the loss didn�t affect City�s one game lead in the standings at all because his closest competitor, the Cookies, played just about their worst game of the year right when they most needed to play well.
Wookies (6-7) 62 Weaselicious Cookies (8-5) 55 If you like defense, good hard-nosed, snot-busting defense, then the 4pm game between the Cookies and Wookies was just to your taste. The only players to score in double digits were defenders as neither offense could muster up any oh let�s say, talent, skill or professional ability whatsoever. So the Wookies extended their win streak to three, and their series lead to 11-8, behind their new �J� defense- DL�s James Harrison, Justin Tuck, and Jared Allen. The killer J�s scored 48 of the Wookie 62 points, and were led once again by all-pro James Harrison and his 21 points. J Tuck had 14 and J Allen added 13 QB-crunching points. As for the Wookie offense, which has proved so potent in consecutive weeks leading up to this crucial matchup, they seemed to be just as happy to go three-and-out as they were to actually try and gain yards. As WR Randy Moss explained, �Man, I was so high on like Tuesday, and I thought, man, why don�t we just have our Thanksgiving on the sideline during the game? Brilliant, right? I couldn�t believe I was the first guy to think of it. So I called this catering guy I have on speed-dial and he set us up with everything man. Turkey, mashed and sweet potatoes, gravy, rolls, and some seriously good wine, so after I passed around the pre-game joints, we just dug in man. Did it negatively affect our performance on the field? Check the scoreboard baby. That�s a W. So, sure Cassel can�t drink and throw worth a crap and G-ski said he saw like 8 goalposts when he was lining up for field goals, but I refer you back to the scoreboard. A win is a win is a win is a win, so light up, be happy man. Wookies!!!� Yes, the drunk, stoned, and over-fed Wookies won with 62 points and mostly it was because they stole the smoke that Dan Weitz has been using to craft his smoke-and-mirrors strategy. Left with nothing but mirrors, the Cookies were forced to look at themselves and they couldn�t have liked what they saw. QB Tyler �It�s Pat� Thigpen was so befuddled by his reflection that he managed only 6 points, though that 6 point effort was the third best Cookie performance on the day. RB Marion Barber tripped over himself on his way to 8 points, while only LB Jon Vilma played like a real man with 20 all-pro points. WR/Team Spokesman Anquan Boldin, who only scored 1 point in protest for having to play on Thanksgiving night on the NFL Network, commented on the Cookies poor play, �We had a chance to tie for the Modano lead, we held the high-scoring Wookies to 62 points and we lost? How is that possible? Matt Cassel actually threw the ball the wrong way one time and Santana Moss started laughing so hard I think he pulled his groin. And we lost to those guys? You know, we�d put up 100+ points two weeks in a row also, so to fall this flat is really disappointing. There�s still 4 weeks to go, but if we lose by a game, we�ll know which game to look back on right here.�
Syracuse 44�s (5-8) 121 Red Herrings (3-10) 116 Modano football is nothing if not unpredictable. While the Cookies and Wookies managed 117 combined points after two straight weeks of scoring over 100 points each, the two worst teams in Modano once again managed to light up the scoreboard like a pinball machine. Syracuse took the week 4 meeting 130-93, and after this week 13 battle, they ended up scoring over 250 points on the Herrings this season. What must be infuriating for Herring owner Charlie Mitchell though is that the 116 points his team scored was a season high, and yet they still couldn�t find a way to win. They gave up 100+ points for the 5th time this season, a number only exceeded by the 44�s who have allowed 100+ 6 times this year including this week. He got exceptional games from RB Brian Westbrook who had 32 Thursday points and RB Steve Slaton who had 23 Monday night points. In between, only K Matt Prater scored in double digits with 11. Mitchell closed his locker room after the game so he could console his beleaguered franchise, but new 44�s GM/QB Donovan McNabb commented, �I feel for those guys. There�s nothing worse than knowing your score would have beat more than half the league and you still lose. It�s rough. Still, I hope Mr. Mitchell handles the loss with more dignity than my owner, Mr. Stoer, who brought me back home to run the team so he could fly off to Fiji to drink his Modano troubles away.� A change has indeed been made in Syracuse, and by the looks of this week�s result, it�s a positive change. Hall-of-Fame QB Donovan McNabb is back in Syracuse, and while he was all set to make his 44 debut this week, the league powers that be needlessly held up his arrival so that he would not be able to make the game. An angry McNabb said, �What the [expletive]?! These morons at the Yahoo offices might be dumber and more obtuse than the [expletive] at the NCAA. How long does it take to process a [expletive] trade that�s [expletive] been agreed upon and cleared by the league members? Matt Ryan played great and we won, but if my 35 [expletive] points had been left on the bench for some [expletive] bureaucratic nonsense, and we had lost, then I would have just [expletive] lost it. [Expletive] you Yahoo!� Rookie QB Matt Ryan did start, scored 20 points, and earned a gameball from McNabb. New pick-up DE Robert Mathis earned season tickets to the undefeated Syracuse basketball team for his TD-scoring 19 all-pro points and five other players, including RB�s Adrian Peterson and Larry Johnson, scored in double digits to balance the 44 attack. And, other than Yahoo, McNabb was really only disappointed by RB Tim Hightower who was forced by McNabb to watch �Desperate Housewives� after the game. For the 44�s, this was their first win by less than 10 points, and while they are playing for draft position now, they have showed that they can be dangerous on any given week. For Charlie Mitchell�s Herrings, while they haven�t locked up the #1 pick in the �09 Modano Entry Draft just yet, they should certainly be getting their scouts ready.
Big Bad Bretts (7-6) 94 County Coroners (6-7) 60 Just like the �07 champion Cubists, the �06 champion Bretts salvaged whatever flickering hope they have remaining this year with a clutch week 13 win over a dispirited Coroner team that once had grand hopes this season. The Bretts have now won three in a row and stand only two games back with four games left. Stat of the Week: The Bretts have now defeated the Coroners 13 straight times and own a 16-2 series edge. Do the math, figure out the years that streak entails, and it�s no wonder the Coroners lacked confidence going into the week. A concise Bretts owner Steve Johnson said, �I needed a win and the Coroners were kind enough to oblige.� While the Coroners were certainly a lackluster bunch, the Bretts did enough on their own to procure the victory. The game ball once again went to motorcycling QB Ben Roethlisberger for his all-pro 16 point afternoon. He hit his favorite WR Greg Jennings for a touchdown and shout-out from Johnson. K Mason Crosby�s aim was true for 12 points and the Bretts D, long a source of disappointment for Johnson this year, stepped up big time and were led by LB/DE DeMarcus Ware and his all-pro 16 points. But while WR Dwayne Bowe and TE Owen Daniels each only scored one point, Johnson was once again very displeased by the play of his RB�s. Coming into the year, the great trio of LaDanian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai were expected to lead the Bretts back to Modano glory. Instead, Tomlinson looks prematurely old, while Jackson and Addai have been troubled with injuries and a lack of running room. After the victory, Johnson warned that one or more of the three may not be kept for next season if he doesn�t see some improvement in the remaining month. As for the Coroners, well, they are now realistically out of the title chase this season after this loss. Chad Nuss simply can not get a consistent effort from his talented group of players. This week the ManBeast rumbled for 10 more points, but was the lone Coroner to score in double digits. QB Philip Rivers, who has been so brilliant this season, scored a mere 6 points to continue his poor second half. Ever the southern gentleman, he was prepared to speak and take the blame for the loss, but he shoved out of the way by the muscle-headed Joey Porter, who took to the microphone and said, �We got our butts handed to us today but I can tell you flat out that it was not my fault. I�m Joey Porter. And, OK, I didn�t have a great game statistically, but I keep this team together in ways that don�t show up on any stat sheet. This is my team. My team! And we�ll come back harder and stronger next week, and if we don�t, that won�t be fault either, �cause I�m here right now telling you that we will. You see anyone else here man enough to write checks that his butt can�t cash? I thought not.� The troubled Porter stormed off after that, trailed by a couple guys in white coats. Porter scored 1 point in week 13. So while Chad Nuss continues to hole up at the Nuss Estate watching his team lose 4 of their past 5 to fall into irrelevancy once again, Steve Johnson continues, for this week at least, to hold on to his dream of another Modano crown.
The Ballbusters (8-5) 96 P-Miss Envy (6-7) 71 The Busters won in week 13 by 25 points with all-everything QB Peyton Manning negatively impacting the team with a -1 point stinker of a game. Anyone predict that? Somehow, some way, the Busters kept their title aspirations very much alive as their victory over the pesky Envy now leaves them in a tie for second place, a mere one game back of league leading City. And not that we in the media ever look ahead, but a possible week 17 City-Busters game does loom as a potential championship tussle in a couple weeks if both teams can stay strong. That�s because the Busters did more than enough to compensate for their star QB�s unfathomably poor play to run their current winning streak to three. The main reason for the Buster resurgence has been the play of RB Thomas Jones who yet again led his team, this time to the tune of 22 all-pro points. Five other players scored in double figures, including troubled TE Jason Witten, who earned his wife�s freedom with his 13 Thanksgiving points. Unfortunately, WR Terrell Owens, who had 12 points, is now up on criminal conspiracy charges due to his involvement in the kidnapping. Owens� lawyer said briefly, �This unfortunate incident just shows how much my client cares about winning. No actual harm was done, and I�m sure this will all amount to nothing, especially if the Busters can win a Modano crown.� Surprisingly, K John Carney was singled out for his 11 points by owner Rich Joseph, who was willing to do anything to change the subject from T.O. Joseph gave Carney a necklace with gold field goal posts for �coming off the bench with authority.� A taken-aback Carney responded, �Who the heck do you think I am, Tyler Thigpen? I appreciate the gift, but what am I supposed to do with it? I get mocked enough as the kicker, you want me to wear a necklace now with gold field goal posts? Maybe I�ll give it to Peyton. He does a fine job holding for me.� One player who will not be receiving a necklace from Joseph anytime soon is RB Kevin Smith who was forced to eat a �rotten turkey� following his 1 point Thanksgiving stinker. And while Joseph was succinct with his post game comments, �Good battle with P-Miss,� a more expansive Missner was quite critical of his team following their third straight loss. He said, �We won the battle but lost the war. Peyton Manning has never looked so discombobulated. He didn't know if we were blitzing or going back in zone. It was like Week One all over again. Eli also had some nice family secret that we told our fan base. Herpes in college, Peyton? Why, I never. The Busters took a nice Thanksgiving lead and never relinquished it. Thanks, Thomas Jones - you ingrate.� Eli Manning was available for Missner to use, but he instead with some guy named Shaun Hill, who even apparently attended the University of Maryland and yet still failed to leave any sort of mark on the media�s radar. Hill had a pedestrian 12 points in his debut, but with the Envy no essentially out of the title race, expect Hill to learn from the bench for the rest of the season. But Missner isn�t writing off his teams chances just yet as he praised Cubist RB �DeAngelo Williams. Great game! First, it was against the Packers and it helped us remain mathematically alive. Hooray for mathematics as well.� Perhaps Missner enjoyed a Wookie Thanksgiving? Either way, RB Matt Forte will have to be the Envy savior if they wish to remain alive. His 13 point afternoon led the Envy in week 13 and earned him a gameball from Missner, who said, �I like the way he runs. Unlike Cedric Benson, Forte has vision and he seems to blast through the cracks that the Bear offensive line gives him. I was nervous about trading away Marshawn Lynch, but it has turned out very well.� Lynch was one of the Envy keepers, along with the Wondertwins Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee. Only McGahee remains on the Envy roster and Missner presaged his demise as well when he commented, �He clearly isn't going to play but he is the last keeper on board. I'll cut him eventually even if his coach says he is going to play in December. I've heard that one before.� Look for three new keepers for the Envy this season. And not that he is a current member of the Envy, but don�t look for Missner to make any moves for �Kyle Orton. You should have taken your four weeks off and recovered from your high ankle sprain, stupid. As it is you are back to vintage 2005 Kyle Orton and he stunk.� In week 13, stunk would be defined as WR Vincent Jackson�s goose-egg or TE Dallas Clark�s one point lame effort in the Envy loss. So, yes, hooray for mathematics! The Envy are still alive. But more realistically, their best bet is to be a spoiler down the stretch. For Rich Joseph and his Busters, their first outright Modano is within reach with some more solid weeks like this and a little nod from the Modano gods.
Week 14 previews - Week 14 will end with the Prime Time Do-or-Die Duel between the past two Modano champs as the 7-6 Cubists square off with the 7-6 Bretts. The Cubists won the first matchup back in week 5 and will continue their QB roulette by returning Holy Roller Kurt Warner. He�ll be handing off to evil Sammy Morris and throwing to Bernard Berrian while LB Eric Barton takes over for the ousted Leroy Hill. A mathematical Jason Moore said, �Tomlinson vs. Oakland + Addai vs. Cinci + Jennings vs. Houston = trouble.� Uhm, sure. Steve Johnson returns his trio of potent RB keepers and adds the upstart Peyton Hillis to the Bretts backfield. Aware of his team�s situation, Johnson said, �I have to win out to have a chance and this is another tough one.� History favors the Cubists though as they are a remarkable 9-1 in week 14�s. No team has ever gone 10-1 as both the 44�s and City failed earlier this season to achieve that remarkable feat. The 4pm game sees the rising Ballbusters face off against the fading Coroners. The Busters have won their last three against the Coroners and own a 7-3 series edge. Both teams are riding their usual starters and expect a QB shootout as both Philip Rivers and Peyton Manning are coming off of very down weeks for them. An invigorated Rich Joseph said from his Bruins rink-side seats, �No More Losing!� Winners of three in a row, they are catching fire at just the right time while the Coroners have lost 4 of their last 5. The lead 1 pm game is a crucial battle between the 8-5 Cookies and the 5-8 44�s. The 44�s have outscored the Cookies on the season, and lead the series 12-8, but lost to them in week 5 behind DB Antoine Winfield�s 25 point gem for the Cookies. For the Cookies, WR Amani Toomer makes a welcome return to Modano football as does TE Todd Heap. Both may be formidable. The 44�s have altered their WR and TE positions as well as Plaxico Buress and Kellen Winslow were both released this week by new GM Donovan McNabb. QB Jay Cutler returns for the 44�s and new DB Chris Gamble will attempt to liven up Monday Night for a team without much to play for other than spoiling the Cookies hopes and dreams. McNabb said, �We did so well without me last week, I may just stick to play-calling this week. Since we don�t get another shot at City this year, the least we can do is screw the Cookies.� Another 1pm game sees league leading City take on the bottom-dwelling Herrings. Stat of the week II: In the final four weeks of the season, City is a mortal 21-19 compared to a heavenly 115-65-1 otherwise. This shouldn�t be much of a game as the potent City rush attack has some nice matchups and Drew Brees will look to improve on what was an off game for him this past week. Neither team has altered their lineup, but City owner Randy Chambers commented, �Once we've finished lickin' our wounds and counting our toes to make sure they are all still there from this week, we'll be ready to run in December. As Sarah Palin might say "it sure is a-time for some a-winnin'." You can never have enough Sarah Palin references. Finally, in a game that has �mathematical� playoff implications, the 6-7 Envy take on their longtime friendly rival, the 6-7 Wookies. The Envy won in week 5, but trail the series 10-7. While the Wookies return their starting lineup, including the Killer J�s, the Envy have made a few changes. Eli Manning takes the Envy helm for the first time, while RB Pierre Thomas and WR Domenik Dixon look to help the younger Manning. And RB Willis McGahee is currently in the lineup but it is almost certain he will be pulled prior to the game as his Wondertwin powers are entirely dependent on the quality of the crummy �U� football team. A quietly optimistic Missner said, �We get the hottest team in the league and have to depend on the Seahawks to defend the Patriots? Eli will find a way to lead us to the win.� Best of luck to the Envy for relying on Eli and the Seahawks, but even a blind and dead Ray Charles doesn�t see this ending well for them.
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