Weaselicious Cookies (8-4) 102 Ballbusters (7-5) 76 Holy crap! It�s week 12 and the Cookies are still very much in contention for their first Modano league crown after their solid win over a very good Buster team. Led by Tyler �It�s Pat!� Thigpen and his all-pro 19 points, the Cookies used a balanced attack to overwhelm the Busters. Six Cookies reached double digits as RB Warrick Dunn and DB Antoine Winfield each piled on 14 points, while MoJo Drew, crack-whore Neil Rackers, and team captain Anquan Boldin each added 11. While sipping his customary post-game hot tea with lemon, Boldin said, �Jack is back, baby! Did you see 24: Redemption? Man that was good. Jack is a bad man. Did you see that scene�oh wait, you want me to talk about the game, right, ok, well, we kicked their ass. How you like them apples, Mr. Peyton Manning? Kicked. Your. Ass.� The win gave the Cookies the season sweep of the Busters and with their 8th win of the season, the Cookies have now won more games this year than in any season since 2003. The only real disappointment for the Cookies was the goose-egg that TE Greg Olsen laid, but Olsen gets little respect in the Cookie locker room anyway so no one really paid all that much attention to it. On the other hand, Buster TE Jason Witten also managed to get shut out, and the Buster players handled his incompetence a little differently. After the game, a disgruntled Terrell Owens, who managed to cheat his way to an all-pro 20 points, sent a couple of his boys over to the Witten household and kidnapped Jason�s wife, Michelle. Owens was overheard telling Witten, �You ain�t getting the bitch back till you start scorin� some damn points.� Peyton Manning, who had 19 points, attempted to diffuse the situation, as any good boy scout would, but Owens turned on him and said, �Don�t you start with me Peyton. If I didn�t need you to throw me the damn ball, I�d shoot you in the kneecap right now. So sit down pretty boy. This here between me and Jason Witten and it ain�t got nothing to do with you.� Manning then backed away slowly, aware that he has suddenly lost control of his own locker room. This is the third time in the past six games that the Busters have allowed 100 points or more and owner Rich Joseph is wisely sitting at his courtside Celtics seats rather than entering the chaos that is the Busters clubhouse right now.
Bull in the City (9-3) 105 Syracuse 44�s (4-8) 58 You didn�t need to be Nostradamus to see this one coming. City beat the 44�s 125-79 back in week 3 and they did that 46 point butt stomping one better in week 12 with a 47 point drubbing of the hapless 44�s. In fact it appears as if the 44�s have already given up on their season as their owner, John Stoer, confirmed after the loss. He said, �I�m not giving out any gameball�s or calling anyone out for their poor play. The 44�s make my head feel like a parade of people puked into a pot of oatmeal and I don�t even know what the heck that means. I�m just tired of them all. So while they have to finish out the season, I�m bringing Donovan McNabb back home to run things while I go on a spiritual journey to Fiji. See ya in �09.� Since Stoer was the mastermind behind the recent additions of Darelle Revis and Sammy Morris, perhaps the 44�s will be better off with the clueless McNabb running the show. As for City, their run to a 4th Modano title continues. With their ninth win of the season, City eclipsed their win total from last season, and the biggest difference between last year�s club and this current one is the addition of mercurial RB Michael Turner. Turner was on his game this week, earning a gameball from City owner Randy Chambers for his 31 point shredding of the 44 defense. All-world QB Drew Brees added 36 on Monday night and those two players alone would have been enough to defeat the 44�s. Of course, other than 10 points from the steady Clinton Portis, Turner and Brees were just about all the City scoring. A pleased Chambers said, �After two opponents with no QB, it was nice to win without needing ours. Nonetheless, we'll take Drew's MNF burst in case we need total points for a future tie-breaker.� He was then asked to comment on the state of the diseased 44 franchise and he colorfully said, �It�s never easy to know which orifice should face Bemis.� Sage wisdom from the league leader. And with his destiny in his own hands, Chambers is dreaming of a victory parade in the streets of Durham that will outshine anything those losers in New York can produce. Firing a shot over the New York bow, he said, �I thought the whole thing was cancelled twenty years ago. Does anybody still watch it? Isn't Macy's bankrupt like every other retailer in America? Inquiring minds want to know!� Still dreams of a parade in Durham may remain unrealized unless LenDale �Big Mac� White starts producing more points than burgers eaten. Chambers was quite unhappy with his week 12 ratio of 8 Big Mac�s to 0 points. Still, White could have eaten every Big Mac in Durham this week and City would not have lost to the 44�s.
County Coroners (6-6) 73 SF Cubists (6-6) 69 Half-full or half-empty? After the Coroners week 12 revenge win over their Bay Area rival Cubists, both teams were left with identical 6-6 records. For the Coroners, the 6 wins are more than they had all of last season. For the defending champion Cubists, their 6 losses are more than they had all of last year. So perhaps Chad Nuss sees the optimism in a 6-6 record, while Jason Moore is pretty much resigned to not getting a new T-shirt in �08 with his 6-6 record. As for the actual game, both teams played like .500 clubs with the Coroners getting the difference winning edge from their QB Philip Rivers. He rebounded from his worst week of the season to blister the Cubists with 21 all-pro points. On a day when scoring was at a premium due to the howling winds and rolling fog in the Bay Area, those 21 points led all scorers. WR Steve Smith sashayed for a becoming 11 points while LB Thomas Howard matched him with 11 pile-driving points of his own. The Cubists did a fine psych job on the ManBeast though as Jacobs was too scared to face the defending champs. While Jacobs suited up and appeared ready to face his fears and play, Willie �Game Time Decision� Parker told Jacobs that he would play for him if Jacobs was too scared to play. The ManBeast gladly accepted Parker�s gesture, turned in his helmet for a megaphone, and joined the cheerleaders on the sidelines. Parker ended with 2 points in Jacobs place. The Voice of the Coroners, Joey Porter, said after the game, �It weren�t pretty, and half the time I couldn�t even see who to hit out there, but we got the job done. And since we be getting ready for Thanksgiving soon, in the spirit of the holiday, let me just give thanks to Cubist owner Jason Moore. Thank you for leaving your big-armed baby on the sidelines all game and letting that old rust-bucket Kurt Warner play instead. I got no problems smashing an old rust-bucket, but even I don�t like hittin� no babies. So thank you Mr. Moore.� As for Moore and his Cubists, it appears as if a repeat title will not be in the cards this season and part of the problem has been the inconsistent play of his rookie RB�s, Chris Johnson and Jonathan Stewart. While they have shown flashes of brilliance this year, all too often they have weeks like this where they score 1 point each. Surprising RB DeAngelo Williams earned a game ball for his all-pro 15 points and QB Kurt Warner finished with a respectable 14, but the Cubists were getting it done early in the season with their keeper power and the only keeper to play in the last month has been WR Larry Fitzgerald. QB Tony Rhomo was active and could have played, but Warner has had a hot hand of late and got the nod instead. Also, Warner doesn�t need a pacifier to help him go to sleep like Rhomo does. The Lord is Warner�s pacifier. Moore compared his team�s performance to �a grey-green loogie in the shower in the morning, with a little blood in it,� and summed up his feeling with one word, �Weak.� When asked if he could put his finger on exactly why the Cubists had lost, he said, �No idea,� but then TE Chris Cooley came up to him, put his arm around Moore�s shoulder and said, �Well I�ve been unexpectedly lousy this year and I was again today too. I�ll be the reason we lost, coach. I�ll be the reason.� And with that a lone tear slipped from his eye.
Wookies Big Bad Bretts (6-6) 88 P-Miss Envy (6-6) 85 So, Perry Missner, your team just got swept by the Bretts. How do you feel? �It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks in Envyland. After many gameball winning performances, Donovan decided that he needed to go home. Being the hardliner that I am, I refused to trade him and made him play. When I signed Joe Flacco as a backup over the weekend, Donovan went ballistic. He accosted Flacco, kicked him in the nuts, and made the Raven QB generally unable. After a year's worth of pestering, I begrudgingly accepted John Stoer's offer of Eli Manning and $20,000 for McNabb. Swept by the Brents? This is basically a lost season. [But] Pierre Thomas gave it all he had. We picked up old captain Brian Urlacher prior to Monday night's game. While 54 wasn't in uniform, he gave a rousing speech to the team and Thomas took it to heart. [Still, I hate] Sean Payton. Dude, you are up 17 points and you are still throwing? C'mon - I realize beating the Packers by an increasing margin is important, but think about me! Had the Saints just ground out the fourth quarter and fed Pierre (and maybe a little Deuce) the ball, that's a mark in the W column for the Envy. As it was, a 70-yard TD to Colston (who I wasn't even sure if he was playing before that) made it an early night for me.� Missner wouldn�t have even had to worry about Monday night if McNabb had taken care of business on Sunday. Instead he sabotaged his now former club to the tune of -7 points, a season low in Modano this year. It�s a testament to the resilience of the Envy players that they managed to only lose by three points with their QB basically throwing the game. McNabb would have better served the Envy cause if he had stayed home, been unproductive, and watched the people walking by from his window. As it was, he simply drove Missner bananas. Missner�s sanity was not helped by the opposing QB either. Big Ben Roethlisberger garnered a game ball for his 21 point day. His main targets, WR�s Greg Jennings, Marques Colston, and Dwayne Bowe, were all beneficiaries and earned game balls themselves for their 12, 10, and 9 point efforts respectively. Unable to enjoy his victory, Brett owner Steve Johnson said, �It�s sad when you barely scrape by against the efforts of a powerhouse like Pierre Thomas.� Thomas outplayed the once-dynamic duo of RB�s LaDanian Tomlinson and Joseph Addai. LT and Addai are firmly in Johnson�s doghouse now, and when asked whey they aren�t playing to their past levels, Johnson responded, �I HAVE NO IDEA!� John Madden seems to think it�s all due to LT�s injured toe, but he�s a senile old fool, as clearly it�s due to LT�s tinted visor. The man can�t see where to run! As for young puppy Joseph Addai, it�s well known that he�ll emulate whatever LT does, so he�s taken to running into defenders as well. As with the Cubist-Coroner game, these two teams both sit at 6-6 now with little to play for outside of a spoiler�s role. One gets the sense that is a role that Johnson would rather not be in, while Missner seems to salivate at the idea.
Wookies (5-7) 119 Red Herrings (3-9) 60 Lookie, lookie, here come the Wookies. Winners of two in a row, by a margin of 119 points, Will Mitchell�s Wookies stomped all over Charlie Mitchell�s Herrings in week 12. Will then proceeded to spit in his little brother�s hair, give him a wedgie, and tell on him to their mother. A fired up Will said, �I gave Cassel 3 gameball�s last week so I heard I have not been allocated any more to give out�but I brought my own damn gameball�s and am giving 3 more to Matt and 3 to Randy. Nice job boys.� Yes, Matt Cassel continued to crap thunder and piss lightning as he followed up last week�s 40 point performance with a 37 point extravaganza this week. Matt Cassel?!?! The abundantly high Randy Moss just giggles at the thought of Matt Cassel playing so well. Moss, who just loves �giant, floating blow up dolls�, harnessed the power of his Super Bong 2000 and scored 27 points of his own. While those two game ball earning potheads led the Wookie charge, you don�t score 119 points without a team effort. RB Marshawn Lynch rolled a 12 point joint and shared it with K G-ski while WR Calvin Johnson was forced to enjoy his smaller 11 point joint. Sadly though, once again, TE Antonio Gates stood by himself in the corner and puffed tentatively on his 1 point hitter, coughing and retching and feeling very nauseous as the other Wookies just laughed at him. Poor Antonio. An unconcerned Mitchell was more intent on mollifying his brother as he said, �Kicked little bro�s ass- but he�ll have the last laugh come next year�s draft I guess.� Yes, at the moment the downtrodden Herrings would be selecting first at the �09 Modano Entry Draft due to their 3-9 record. Kyle Orton continues to soldier on gamely, but honestly, he�s just not that good, though his 11 point afternoon was one of the high scorers for the Herrings. TE Tony Gonzalez, freed from his 44�s prison earlier this year, is now paying dividends to Charlie Mitchell as he led all Herrings with 13 points. After that though, WR Lee Evans was next on the list with an unspectacular 7 points. When your high scorers have 13, 11, and 7 points, you are writing a blueprint for how to score 60 points overall. An exasperated Brian Westbrook took to the mike after the game and said, �Man, don�t I do enough around here, I gotta deal with the press conference too? Ok, fine. We stink. We stink on toast. We stink on French toast, Melba toast, burnt toast, any kind of toast you can think of, we stink on it. So get out of my face; I need to go get some hard, hard liquor.� Perhaps Westbrook has the right idea, as liquor appears to be Charlie Mitchell�s only salvation when dealing with the Herrings right now, though no amount of hooch will wipe away the humiliation of a 59 point loss to your brother. There isn�t enough booze in the world.
Week 13 previews - The week 13 Prime Time Game features two old foes as City looks to avenge one of their three defeats this year, a week 4 loss to the Cubists. City owner Randy Chambers summed it up nicely saying, �Time for some payback from week 4 for his cowardly sell-out of playing Rhomo against the Skins. We're committed to knocking the champs out of the repeat race and hope to keep the other wolves at bay.� In fact, infantile QB Tony Rhomo will be in the Cubist Turkey Day lineup as will RB Reggie Bush, reuniting the Cubist keeper trio for the first time in over a month. WR Santonio Holmes also joins the lineup. A realistic Jason Moore tempered his comments a bit as he said of the upcoming game, �I don't see a repeat championship, but we need to at least challenge Bull City a little. Come on, TB D!� In true City fashion, they have not altered their lineup for this big game as Chambers is a big fan of the old Gibbs� truism of dancing with one�s who brought you. The 4pm game is a monster game as the scorching Wookies tangle with their alliterative partner Cookies. The Wookies destroyed the Cookies back in week 4 100-43, so the Cookies will be looking for some revenge as well as trying to stay within striking distance of City. To that end, the Cookies will deploy suddenly viable WR Lance Moore while the Wookies will counter by returning Mini-Moss to partner with the bigger, herbal version. Will Mitchell commented, �We�re on a tear- thinking back to delicious week 4 romp and I want some more COOKIES!� The lead 1pm game is the battle for the bottom as the pathetic 3-9 Herrings attempted to stink less than the irrelevant 44�s. These two played a barnburner in week 4 with the 44�s flying high with a 130-93 win. The 44�s have added two Syracuse alum this week in LB Keith Bulluck and QB Donovan McNabb. Due to the stringent and rigorous Modano policies regarding trades, it�s unclear whether McNabb will be able to suit up in time for Thursday action, but as he is now running the club, expect to see him in the lineup if league rules allow. As for the Herrings, WR Steve Breaston will see some action but otherwise they remain the same. A battle of 6-6 clubs sees the Bretts take on the Coroners. The Bretts nipped the Coroners in week 4 and a confident Steve Johnson foresees more of the same this week. He said, �Coroners aren�t a pushover, but I�m expecting a win.� He�ll trot out the same lineup that edged the Envy this past week and hope that his RB�s improve. As for Chad Nuss and his Coroners, Justin Fargas is going to get some run in place of Game Time Willie and the ManBeast is due to return as well. Finally, the 7-5 Ballbusters take on the 6-6 Envy. For Rich Joseph, this is now a do or die situation and he will attempt to complete the season sweep of his long time fantasy enemy Perry Missner. RB Kevin Smith joins the Busters active roster this week and TE Jason Witten will be playing for his wife�s freedom. Attempting to keep the poor woman captive, Missner welcomes the return of longtime captain LB Brian Urlacher. An energized Missner commented, �That Week Four loss to the Peyton-less Busters still sticks in my craw. Of course, Eli has told me every move that Peyton will make this weekend and we are going to chicken dance him right to the emergency room. This may be Willis McGahee's last stand - produce or get out.� Missner will have to insert McGahee into his lineup if indeed it is his last stand. Currently Mewelde Moore is in McGahee�s place.
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